It was so sudden.
So overwhelming.
So deafening and a choking heavy air hanging around me.
I strongly wanted it to happen and I personally planned all of it in advance, I even went to atone for my sins in a church half an hour before that but, it still felt so sudden and that scared me shitless.
It was so different from what I usually hear from witnesses' point of view after a car crash accident.
What they don't know was how it feels like to have your body lose contact with your brain due to collision of your car and a big tree, that horrifying pain of being pierced by broken glasses into your eyes, nothing even if you close or open them, To have something unknown yet sharp tearing your stomach open, stuck bleeding legs, broken arms and a throbbing bleeding head.
Before that time, All I wanted was to disappear from this world and not feel the pain that was suffocating my heart seconds before. I wanted HIM to live in guilt, with my blood on his hands because he succeeded to kill my soul but damn! That was anger talking...
I'd go through billions of heartbreaks again and again with no break than putting myself into harm ways for a second time in the name of love, that is, if I'd survive this first time.
I didn't want to die but I was slowly losing consciousness. And my car was still rolling towards the cliff.
Death was such a slow paced and painfully felt process, giving me so much time to look back at my sorry excuse of a life, making me wish to live again.For me.
It reminded me of my social class lecturer back at university, six years before who said in one of her lectures that...
"Your life should be lived to the fullest by YOU. Don't let somebody else do it for you or you'll regret it with everything you have"
I was bored out of my mind, hungry and tired at that class so, I didn't stop to think nor understood her until that day, when I felt my breath leaving me, welcoming water into my lungs... I didn't even put up a fight because it was of no use.
I could feel myself slowly sinking into the dark blue, midnight sea, broken and bruised all over my body and even if I could've felt my hands and legs in that state I still wouldn't know how to get myself out to safety. I wasn't a swimmer, I didn't even try to learn how to swim.
I was slowly dying.
All alone in the cold, so silently and pitifully with no one to miss me.
All I could do was regret everything that went wrong in my life due to my stupidity and ignorance. All for a teeny tiny bit ray of affection from people who never even cared if I lived or died. People who forget about my existence the second I'm not there.
It was always me compromising like I didn't have my own standards, my own opinions, dreams, feelings... It was me. I killed Anderson, with my very bare hands.
I lost the carefree, smart and radiant with a bright smile boy when I changed myself according to other people's tastes and moods.
What would I say to my parents when I get to meet them later on? That sadly their priceless prince died from relentlessly fighting to become a slave?.
No. I couldn't do that to them. I needed to live so as to make them proud. I wouldn't be at peace knowing that would break their precious hearts. I can't face them like that.
I desperately needed that miraculous second chance that I always saw on dramas and read in novels.
I needed it to be true and live once again.
I needed to reincarnate.