I remember the year before, in that very same hospital's ICU. Replanning and regrouping my next life if only I'd have the second chance at life.
And God was good. Though not without feeling the pain and everything, at least I got to live again.
I remember sitting at the same exactly place with the same psychiatrist the year before, pouring my heart out, my fears, my pains, my sanity, my expectations, my very on last shred of strength that was left in me at that time but, today?.
I had nothing.
"You can take your time with this, just remember to take your medications, stick to your routines..."
"Have you ever fallen in love, Dr Louisa?"
"... Yes, I have"
"And did the person loved you back?"
"That Mr Sybil, I wouldn't know because, it's something only he knows. I just get what's given to me"
"And what you got is not love?"
"Other forms of love"
"Do you know that he left me?"
"Who left you, Mr Sybil?"
"Damon"
"You too didn't see that coming, huh?"
"I'm so sorry_"
"I'm not. And that's why I came here today... Why doesn't it hurt me? Does it mean that I wasn't in love with him? Was it all part of my illusion that he ever existed in my life at all? Tell me, why!"
"It wasn't an illusion, I met the guy, remember? So, he exists"
"Then why can't I mourn for my lost love...?"
"Can you tell me anything on how he left you?"
"Funny thing is that, I only received a letter from my love rival, Regan... days after Trevor appeared. The day I got discharged from the hospital"
"I'm sorry, you mean Trevor, the person who impersonated your husband for three years?"
"Yes, he came back to finish what he had started years before. And through all that? I never blamed Damon for anything maybe, I was just bitter but, Dr Louisa, you've seen the guy... His eyes lit up the room everytime I walk in. That's not the eyes that wishes to see someone in pain, right?"
"We could say that"
"Do you know what he had written in his letter?"
"No but, you don't have to share it if you don't wish to. You're doing great"
{ Love,
How are you? I heard you're not yourself anymore.
Is it the medications or the hospital that irritates you so much? Or you just hate their pitiful gaze? Whatever it is, I'm glad that you're discharged today.
I wanted to be there when you wake up just like Antonia and her husband. I wanted to hold your hand and play with your magnificent fingers but, I can't. I couldn't for the life in me. I feel ashamed and I blame myself for what happened to you. I'm sorry.
I know the words doesn't mean much to you at the moment but, just allow me to say them to lighten my guilt. I'm sorry you got to relive your nightmare once more. Don't worry, he's gone for good right now. You'll never hear from him ever again.
I thought I could protect you from every harm that'd come your way. I'm sorry, I lied and I failed miserably.
I didn't see this one coming, not even by a mile and to think that my own brother could betray me like this? It's still mind-blowing to me. But, that's not what's important right now, is it?.
Anderson Marcel Sybil, I love you. My priceless shining gem in my darkest world. My salvation. There's not anything that I don't love about you. And walking on your body butchered like that? Nearly killed me.
Thank you for being so brave and live for another hundred years. Just like you've lived through my first mistake, I'm glad I get to see you live through this second one too. Thank you so much for staying alive. That means a lot to me.
I remember telling you that, when the day comes where my presence in your life can cause you more harm than good, I'd leave. And the day came quite sooner than I expected.
Goodbye, Love. Live your life to the fullest. Forget about me and everything that brought you pain. If you can, move on, and start your own family with someone worthy of your love. Someone normal. Stay happy and true to yourself.
Don't ever change for anyone.
Damon.}
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine.... thank you" I said hiding my face in my palms before I sniffed my emotions back inside. I shouldn't be crying.
"But, that wasn't the end of it"
"What else?"
"I got divorce papers here with me and many more shares from different organisations and companies under my name. I didn't ask for them"
"What does it all make you feel?"
"Like crap?... I thought he knew me. I thought he knew what I want in this life better than anyone... even better than myself"
"What did you want in this life?"
"To live! And I can't do that when he's miles away from me. Leaving me as a shell of the man he helped me build up once upon a time"
"Do you believe that he was the one that build you up again?"
"He was there through every step of the way. Reminding me of who I was and what was my worth every chance he gets"
"You build up yourself, for your own sake. I was here and I still am here so, I know how brave you're and how much stronger you're going to get after this one too passes"
"Thank you"
"Do you remember your goals when you first came here?"
"No, what?"
"You wanted to put yourself a priority in all situations. Do you think you've achieved that goal, Mr Sybil?"
"I don't know..."
"Andy, Can I call you that?"
"Whatever"
"I don't think that you came here because, you feel numb from the pain. Tell me why you're here and let yourself go through the process. The sooner the better"
"I miss him!" I said after some silence later on with my tears now falling freely down my cheeks.
"We can start from there" Said Dr Louisa handing me her box of tissues.
"And one of my goals? I want him to be the last human to make me question my sanity like this!" I told her annoyed making her laugh at my antics.
"It all depends on yourself, Anderson... I'm just here to guide you" Said Dr Louisa before she got comfortable in her seat.
"Then , let's get this funeral started" She said and I had to laugh at that.
Yeah, I was back at square one but, only this time?. I didn't feel used in my relationship but, sad thing is that I don't want to forget Damon.
I don't want to remember him as one of my exes but, in life one should always choose themselves wellbeing in all situations.
If it was meant to be then he'll come back to me but, it wasn't then I'd settle from him being my last husband.