My hair wasn't always this short and colorful.
There was a time in my childhood when I just didn't know what to do with my anger towards my family and it always messed me up… I don't remember when exactly but one rare day I was all alone at home and wanted to watch TV. I couldn't find the remote control and didn't feel like looking any further so I just sat on the couch and watched whatever was on.
The movie was okay but there was a scene that stuck in my head. I instantly left the TV and went to mom and dad's room and picked the hair scissors mom always used to trim our hair and dad's electric razor.
I braided my hair, cut it all and decided I wanted to donate it. Then I picked the razor and a few minutes later, I was completely bald. Might be because of the energy that erupted through my veins doing something both scary and exciting, but I was shaking so badly I couldn't stand still.
All I wanted was a change! A whole other perspective… and when I found that I couldn't change my surroundings, I thought I'd change myself. Mom came back that day and slapped the life out of my face but I didn't care. It made me feel better.
I wish my hair didn't have to go through a change whenever I felt like I needed a brand new perspective. It used to be black and so long I would sit on it…
When I was delivered the news of granny's passing it hit me right in the heart. It was like Blue losing her grandpa, like Bliss losing her dad. The only difference is, they didn't blame it on anyone and I did. I blamed it on a person who always had an assuring answer for whatever crudeness my family had to say about me.
Bliss told me that all I ever needed to love was a beating heart, no matter the metaphorical texture my family thought mine was made of. Then when I later told her they thought I was heartless, she simply shrugged and said: "What's wrong with not having a heart to hold a grudge?"
She made sure they never had anything to hold against me. Yet there I was that morning pointing at her… blaming her for the death of my granny who was old since my dad was a baby, who went through a lot of surgeries and just wanted to die so the pain could stop.
The look Bliss gave me when she said she believed me when I said she killed my granny is engraved in my mind! I knew at the back of my head that granny was okay with this, not only that, she'd be thrilled to finally rest.
But I feared losing that one person who loved talking to me, who told me she was proud I held her name, who told me stories and repeated them a million times just to reach out to me. She was my good family member! She was the Zach to my Iris, the Juicy to my Blue and I couldn't just accept her death that easily.
We tried to find Bliss but she shut us all out and I do understand. We went to the parking building and her apartment but even thought I was hiding behind the girls, I bet my hair gave me away; she probably noticed it and didn't want to see me.
My hair is red now; I was okay with granny… after the first uncalled for shock. I didn't change my hair until the idea of me ruining having Bliss around came to my mind.