Today someone in a fancy car tipped me and wondered what would make anyone work in such a drag of a place.
What made me want to work at the parking building anyways? I did ponder about that only a couple of times when the job was dull and the uniform kept getting bigger.
All I know is, that day when I vented to the film class reading my story out loud, and came back to the bus station, I found a sign saying they had job vacancies at the parking building. My feet took me to it instantly as if it was something I always wanted to do.
But I wouldn't want to work any place else. It's only a few blocks away from home and if I get hungry, The Cafeteria's right there.
"Jack?" His car was by the barrier yet he looked like he didn't know me…
"It's Zach" he said.
"Okay! Sorry Jjjzzach" I can't say it.
I wanted to reciprocate the sudden meanness but he looked different. His eyes are dulled and tired, he looks worn out and pale.
"Knock the thing so I can leave!" He said finally looking at me and I couldn't but press the button feeling guilty I kept him waiting.
"Sorry…" I said but he didn't drive off.
"Ever since I knew you carried Iris's massive birthday cake for 2 blocks I knew you can manage through anything" he told me and all I can think of is that he just doesn't look okay, "don't let people who treat you badly or leave you or throw coffee at youget away with it."
"Okay." I said and before I could ask him if he's okay, he was already off.
The weird encounter I had with Jack was playing on a loop in my mind all the way home. I mean, he said it was okay to call him Jack but I guess he reached the point where he's sick of it.
Feeling as tired as always climbing the stairs, I sat on my armchair staring at the ceiling. I saw Blue's hand on it and suddenly felt the urge to ask her something I've always wanted to ask. I pulled my phone and texted her:
"Remember when you said romance is your favorite genre? Did you love your ex?" and waited too long my question didn't make sense to be answered anymore.
Blue's slow typing slipped my mind, there's no way I'll get a text back tonight. She lives without her phone just fine, she'd throw it in a drawer and forget about it then charge it whenever she realijed she might need it to text Jack for a donut.
When Baba passed away I was asked to assign another emergency contact. I thought of Blue and Irish but went with Miss Tea because she offered to be there. It's for the best considering Irish would've been worried and I would die before Blue's reached her phone.
To be honest, I thought of Jade at first considering he was once the only person I could talk to besides Baba. But we're not that close and I wouldn't want to burden him with that.
The moment I gave up and got up to finally turn on the TV, I heard knocks on the door. I looked at the clock on the wall and realized I should change its batteries and then I answered.
It was Blue. She smiled and walked right in and sat herself on the ground. I closed the door and sat right in front of her.
"I'll tell you another secret" Blue said and I nodded, "the guy Juicy called out wasn't my ex, he was just a friend that I thought I loved… I never told her that, I just told her he was mean to me" she bluntly said, "but I'll tell you the truth" she said defensively with a hint of blush.
"Okay."
"One day I'd reached my limit and just wanted to tell him that I loved him but I wanted to stage the moment; I didn't want my first I love you to be as bland as I said anything else" she said with her sweet rigid face, "so I called him from my room and asked, can you pick me up? He said why? And it wasn't the answer I wanted to get… so I kept calling him asking him to pick me up waiting for him to say the right answer, the answer I wanted!"
"Did you get it?" I found my head getting closer to Blue.
"Yes! And I wish I didn't. He finally said okay, where are you? And I said I'm in love! And you know what he did?" she asked and I was smiling until her face turned even more rigid.
"What?"
"He hung up on me and I never heard from him again" she said and leaned to put her head on my shoulder, all I want to do right now is punch that guy in the face!!!
"But I was blinded with that new found feeling so," Blue went on, "inspired by Iris, I took a pen and a paper and wrote all the reasons why I loved him… in an envelope, I slipped it under his door and waited. Weeks went by and he didn't even consider at least telling me that he got it. One day I saw him at the quad and said hi but he looked at me and said: Blue, the only way I could reciprocate that is if I'd loved you regardless… regardless of how lame you are, regardless of how clingy you can get, regardless of how annoying you sound to me. You're just pretty and once you spoke it stopped being good enough."
"That bitc…" I started yelling.
"Language!!!" Blue yelled louder stopping me.
"Sorry"
"But you know what eased it for me?" She placed her head back on my shoulder.
"What?" I leaned my head on hers.
"The moment I said I'm in love, it felt wrong. The moment I finished the letter and slipped it under his door, I felt like I wanted to take it back… I'm obviously no expert but, I feel like you know it's the right person if you say I love you and the only thing you wanna do after is repeat it."
Blue slept on my bed and I stayed up thinking about what she said. I've never told anyone that I loved them and now all I want to do is confess my love for the first time ever, twice!
Irish'sh place had been under construction the past few weeks, I thought she was getting her upper floor renovated. Until she told me yesterday she had a surprije for me and it's something about the covered construction area on the side of her house.
She'll send someone to pick me up today to go and see it. I don't know what it might be but I'm excited.
There were knocks on my door, I opened it and it was dull eyed Jack asking me if I'm ready. I guess he'll be my ride, which is nice; I haven't seen him for a week now.
"You look beautiful" he said as we were climbing down the stairs, I'm not sure he even looked at me to come up with that assumption.
"You're the only person in the world who tells me that actually." I chuckled and looked at my baggy sweater. It's just Baba inspired and I think I would've dressed a lot better if I had a feminine family member.
"Well," he opened the car door for me, I reached for his door and opened it for him, "if you wore a potato sack I'll still think you're beautiful. But it's not like you need anyone's approval; dress however you like and if people don't perceive it well, it's their problem not yours." He said as he ignited the engine and looked forward.
I didn't know if I wanted to say thank you for calling me beautiful or if I wanted to agree with his point that I don't need anyone's approval. I simply sat still looking out the window feeling weird at how overly nice he's being now.
We reached the wooden gate leading to Irish'sh house and once we drove in I saw Irish standing up looking lovely as ever with excitement showing on her face. Jack parked the car and Irish ran towards me and took me by the hand to the side of her house.
There was a huge green bow on a brand new balcony that wasn't there before and I knew egjactly what she meant. It warmed my heart she felt like I'd be the one to share this with.
"Is the green bow too weird?" Irish asked with enthusiasm and I was just standing there admiring the huge balcony. I even pictured it with a strap and laundry pins and smiled; it made the house look less lonely in my head.
"No, it's your favorite color!" I said and she hugged me.
"The lady thought a red one would make more sense!" She let go of me, "come inside we'll get on it" she pulled me inside and went up to her room. It looked lovely from inside, it made her room full of sunshine.
"I actually saved getting on it so we can do it together" Irish said.
I don't know why but I was hit with an adrenaline rush once we stepped on the balcony and looked around.
"I love this" I said looking down and saw Jack standing looking up at us with his hand on his forehead shadowing his eyes.
The girls were staying at their hostel studying for exams leaving Irish and I to stay on the balcony the whole day. When it turned completely dark Jack knocked on Irish'sh door and walked in with a pizza and orange juice for her and black tea for me.
I lied and told him I would've settled for coffee, he smiled and I noticed his eyes were still dulled and he didn't look okay. I wanted to ask but I felt shy to do so in front of Irish… he left before I summed up the courage.
"He haven't been sleeping lately" Irish said and took a bite of her pizza.
"He does look tired" I said looking at where Jack stood.
"Your birthday's in a week" Irish said and a falling mushroom stained her blouse, "can you show Zach the place you got my cake from? Mellow's recipe only works for cupcakes, honestly."
"I can bring the cake it's okay"
"Bring your own birthday cake?" Irish said and gave me a cold look, "show Zach the place"
"Sure."
"The last 2 weeks of October used to be the only time of the year mom had us over" Irish said resting her back on the little wall and looked at the sky, "now it's the time Zach stays home and eats every meal with me"
"Sounds like a good alternative."
"He wasn't always like this, Zach" Irish smiled at me, "he used to be the obnoxious kid mothers didn't want their children hanging around. He rebelled at everything and hated everyone!"
"That doesn't sound like him" I said almost defending him.
"I remember how mom and dad fought a lot and blamed it all on him…" she looked at me, something must've showed on my face "what?"
"He told me you were too young to remember that."
"I was young but I do remember because of how intense it got" she said looking at me with such suspicion, "he told you about this?"
"Yeah, just not that he was once obnoxious part" I tried to joke.
"Of course he didn't" she made herself laugh and went on with her story, "he was problematic because our parents blamed everything on him and he thought he'd earn the title of being the reason for everything wrong in the world"
"What changed that then?"
"When our parents got divorced and mom moved out, the fighting stopped. At first I didn't notice anything except the fact that mom was missing and I didn't understand why. Then when I started to accept that it was for the better, I realized it was Zach who helped me achieve that acceptance. He fell in a quiet place and started making me breakfast, helped me with my homework, accompanied me from and to school, washed my clothes and even learned how to French braid my hair" Irish brushed her braid with her palm, "that's why I love braids so much" I looked at her braid and smiled.
"He's a good guy" I said trying to sound as formal as possible.
"The best."
When it was time for me to leave; I had to work the next day. Irish got up and called for Jack to start the car from the balcony then leaned on me.
"He's more than just a chauffeur but I won't give him the pleasure of knowing that" she said, "don't forget to show him the cake place."
It was a quiet ride home. Jack looked worn out and I felt like a burden; I'm making him drive an hour and he looks like he could use a minute of rest.
What was even more nerve wracking was having to give him directions to the cake place to burden him even more with mybirthday's cake. I kept apologijing between every 2 words I said on the way and he kept asking me to pleaje stop.
Once I got home I wished him a goodnight and went up the stairs as fast as I could as if reaching home faster would burden him less.
"Bliiiisssssss"
I opened my eyes.
"Bliiiiiisssssssss"
I got up and started looking around.
"Blissssss"
It turned from calling my name into hissing it.
"Your name is really hard to say from afar, Bliiiiiiiiisssssss"
Afar? "Jade?" I yelled into the air not knowing where he's standing.
"Come to the balconyyyyyy" I heard him.
Safe to say this is the second best thing I ever got up to besides waking up to his face at the hospital. I tripped off my bed and rushed to the balcony to see him standing on Miss Tea's.
"Ice-cream?" he shouted.
Before I could give him my approval with all the excitement in the world I saw Miss Tea poking him with her walking stick.
"Sasha says you shouldn't have ice-cream on an empty stomach" he yelled.
"oh."
"So, tea?" He smiled, "come over!"
There's this sign on the other part of town that says reducing showering time to 4 minutes, saves (130 Liters) of water each time you shower. I'm the kind of person who gets furious at movies when they show a character crying in front of the bathroom's mirror leaving the water tab running.
Like, we know you're hurting just don't let that inflect the water too! Then there's the bigger issue of people leaving water running while brushing their teeth.
My point is, ever since I read that sign I started timing my showers and couldn't yet reach the 4-minute mark. Today I finally did it! I tried to dress as nice as I could, fixed my hair, put on some perfume and was skipping my way downstairs.
"Took you long enough!" Jade said when I saw him standing by our building's entrance.
"What are you doing here? Aren't we going to Miss Tea's?"
"We are." He said ushering me to the next building as if I didn't know the way, "I just thought I'd walk up with you."
"Cool."
When Jade first told me Miss Tea was his nana I couldn't believe him because my eyes would fall on her balcony at least twice a day and I've never seen him. Jade said he was there, I just never saw him and that could be true.
I mean, I've known him before I knew the girls and Jack yet still convinced myself I had no one once Baba stopped showing up.
Jade is like that movie you postponed seeing because it was something that you wanted to see but thought there were better options to spend time on. I once had a movie like that, it was always showing on TV whenever I flipped the channels yet I kept flipping every single time.
Then came a day when the remote's batteries died and I sat on my armchair looking at the TV in despair. A movie started and I watched it from start to end and it was worth it, so much so that I thought about all the times I skipped it.
"Sasha's is filled with mint leaves yet you brought in the freshest breeze" Jade said looking at me and walked me inside an apartment. I must've been absent minded not realizing we're here.
Miss Tea welcomed me inside and took me straight to the sink to wash my hands. She made me sit on the table which had a variety of cheeses, jams and baked goods laying around. Next to her was the same tray she put her tea kittle on both times I visited.
She poured us 3 cups of tea and passed me everything I could've reached for myself. Jade came to the table after he'd made an omelet.
"Did my grandson bother your sleep? You look sleepy" Miss Tea said and I felt a little self-conscious about how I look.
"Did I?" Jade said with a mouthful of chewed omelet.
"Um, I just wait for the sun to come out to fall asleep" I said feeling ridiculous looking at their wall clock, "it's almost 10 in the morning, I often get up at 12-ish"
"You're afraid of the dark?" Jade asked as his nana was looking at me funny.
"No, no" I gave a weird laugh that was embarrassingly high pitch; I don't like to discuss this fear of mine, "this suits my working hours."
Fearing it might show how uncomfortable Miss Tea's making me feel, I took a piece of bread and dipped it in the plate closest to me. It was an apricot jam and I'm not a fan but I was so nervous I ate the whole thing.
"Zaid tells me you're the one who made fun of him" Miss Tea suddenly said.
"Exactly when did I say that?" Jade said refilling the apricot jam plate in front of me; he must've thought I liked it so much!
"I didn't!" I started to feel nervous again even though she looks like she's enjoying herself, "I liked his tooth, I never made fun of it"
She started laughing, "you liked his tooth?"
"Not everyone's as shallow as you, nana" Jade teased and they both laughed and for a moment I wished I had a nana that I could joke with too.
"Oh shut up Whistly Snipes!" Miss Tea said and laughed way too hard at her own joke, which I didn't get.
"That's clever, did you come up with that all by yourself?" Jade said stuffing his mouth, "would've been funny too had you thought of it before you fixed my whistle"
"It was still funny and you know it. Now eat and let me talk to Bliss" she said and looked back at me, "I wasn't talking about that"
"Then what?" I asked as I tried to recall all the times I've been with Jade.
"They made you apologize to my Zaid…"
"Oh…" Jade said and hiccoughed looking like he just realized what his nana's talking about. I'm still lost though.
"In school…" Miss Tea continued but was stopped by flustered Jade.
"Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no" he shook his head frantically.
"What is going on?" I looked at Miss Tea who was looking at Jade waiting for permission to speak, I looked at him confused and he gave in.
"Remember in school dear?" Miss Tea started again, "they made you apologize to Zaid for making fun of his asthmatic seizure."
"No," I said looking at them both, Jade buried his face in his palms, "first of all, I wasn't making fun of anybody, I promise. It's a long story… second of all, it was a girl!"
"No, it was my grandson" Miss Tea said barely keeping it together, she sounded suffocated trying not to laugh.
"No!" I yelled a whisper genuinely shocked and utterly confused.
"Zaid?" Miss Tea was looking at him, "please? I want to show her, please"
"Sure" Jade said looking at me as Miss Tea got up to bring something from her room, "and I thought the asthma thing was the embarrassing part, turns out you thought I was a girl!"
"Jade!" I said fondly realizing he was the reason they let me leave school early that day. The day when Baba took me to the manual little Ferris Wheel. "Am I losing points now?" I said looking at Jade's embarrassed face picking up plates.
"No, but remember we're even." He smiled.
Miss Tea grabbed my hand and took me to the living room to show me a photo album titled "Elementary School". I'm just glad how serious she looked when I came in wore off entirely once the talk was about Jade.
"His mom never cut his hair," Miss Tea said, "he was just too cute!!!"
"He was!" I said looking at long haired younger Jade.
Now that I see how he looked like, I remember that day better. I was at the principal's office waiting for them to bring the student whom I offended. Like I said, it wasn't intentional but I felt guilty enough to express my apology.
The girl walked in, (who was Jade, as I just found out) and I told her (him) I was sorry for belittling her (his) serious breathing problem. She (he) told me it's okay and that she (he) too uses that sometimes to prank her (his) family all the time.
It all makes sense that, that student was Jade! Everyone here goes to the same massive schools' ensemble. Not to mention that clearly was Jade talking, I can see it now. I can't believe how much he's been around…
I realized Miss Tea was going on with her conversation, "he was cute! Past tense! Then god knows what happened and we ended up with that" she pointed at Jade.
"I heard that" Jade said.
"If I said it, it was meant to be heard," Miss Tea yelled as I flipped through the photo album that's all about pictures of Jade in elementary school only. I got to the page where he looked more grown and had a long wavy hair no more.
I stopped at a picture of a younger Miss Tea sitting on a chair with Jade standing beside her. They're standing stiff and expression-less just like people in old photos.
"You're so beautiful it's intimidating" I unconsciously blurted out loud.
Miss Tea looked like I just gave her the world. She thanked me and hugged me, almost squeezed me then looked into my eyes as if trying to find something within them.
"And you're not?" She asked me.
"I don't see it." I said looking at Miss Tea's younger photo.
To be honest, my face or how I looked were never a problem until I said out loud that romance is my favorite genre.
Jade for example is a very average, common looking person but in my eyes, he's the kind face that reflects all the beauty that I need to see… and I want to look like that to someone. I know I'm not pretty but can I find one who'll appreciate my average face like I appreciate Jade's?
"I got married twice, buried them both, I'm loyal like that" Miss Tea gripped my shoulder softly, "laugh, laugh that was a joke!"
When I awkwardly laughed she went on with her story, "my first husband wasn't handsome at all, people made fun of him even at our wedding. I'm not gonna lie, men were lining up in front of me to marry me but I fell for him. At first I didn't pay him much attention, I was too self-observed and thought I deserved someone as pretty… but he won me over. He made me laugh, he made a fool of himself whenever I did something embarrassing and he wasn't afraid to tell me that he loved me." She smiled and I couldn't but reciprocate, "you know what's the best thing about beauty that isn't striking?"
"What?"
"It suddenly hits you! You suddenly see it. My husband made me laugh, shared my embarrassment, loved me and was the most beautiful human being I've ever seen, besides my Zaid, of course."
"So, my vague beauty will hit someone someday" I told myself and looked at the clock and realized I needed to leave.
Ammo asked me to cover for him so he can go to his check-up appointment. Thank god we didn't go for ice-cream even though I really want to, or I would've left Ammo hanging.
"Someday?" Miss Tea said and brought me back to reality, "what if that day already happened dear?" She smirked, "what if someone was there enough to love everything past your average face and then was hit with your outer beauty and now you're someone's favorite sight?"
Miss Tea hugged me and told me that she thought I was beautiful and that she was just playing. She also told me it's just a thing that she does, freaking people out that is.
Like, she used to scare Jade when he was a kid a lot by whispering his name when it was dark. He would turn around and ask her if she said anything and she'd say no! Then she'd do it again accompanied by some sounds inspired by Friday The 13th 's score. She would only come clean if he couldn't sleep, which wasn't often.
Basically I went from wishing I had a nana to thanking god I didn't have anything of that sort. I'm glad Jade is not as traumatized as I am. Nana says he grew up into loving their on-going ritual of scaring one another.
Throughout the day Miss Tea kept offering me plums, they were yellow and looked delicious so I took a bite from the first one and it was too bitter. But I ate the whole thing because it would be rude if I didn't. She kept offering me and asking me to eat them and I did just so I don't reject her.
By the end of the day, I managed to eat 7 bitter yellow plums that I didn't like at all. She gave me the 8th to go before she made me walk her to her room where she lied and wished me a beautiful day. Jade was standing on the balcony picking some mints stems.
"What took you so long?" I asked realizing it feels like I didn't see him at all.
"I broke something and went down to throw it away before nana finds out" he scratched his forehead, "here" he gave me the mint bouquet he just made.
"I love mints" I said smelling it, "umm I'll have to skip the ice-cream trip, I have to cover for someone at work and totally forgot about it."
"It's okay, we got time…" he said, "hey if you were free, nana and I will be having dinner to celebrate her birthday November 20th about 2 weeks from now."
"Only you 2?" I just had to make sure no one I'm not used to is there or I'll feel out of place the whole time.
"Yeah, my mom and aunt will be out of town."
"Then I'll be here"
"Cool, the door is always unlocked, you can come whenever and walk right in."
The idea of climbing another staircase seems plain horrific right now after I'd went down ours, climbed Miss Tea's then went down then back to ours, which I climbed back to put the mint bouquet Jade made in a humble vase (a glass of water); I can't make tea with it.
I brushed my teeth enough to eliminate the taste of apricot jam, washed and changed into my uniform and then went down again this time walking to the parking building.
*
Juicy, Blue and Danielle, who came around after she'd visited her family spent the next couple of days sleeping over since Irish was hanging with Jack all the time. We didn't do much the first night; each of them clung to her textbook while I watched TV on mute.
The next night I asked my boss if it were okay to bring some company with me to work and he said it was okay as long as I do my job. Of course, Blue did my job cracking up every time the barrier went up while Juicy, Dani and I sat back counting the amount of pumpkins we saw.
"The last bus leaves in about 15 minutes" I said looking back at Blue as Juicy and Dani we're both sleeping on my shoulders, "you better catch it."
Blue looked at her watch and finally noticed what time it is. She left the cabin and helped Dani and Juicy up but they were too lazy to make that easy for her.
"We'll see you on your birthday" Juicy sleepily said wrapping sleepy Dani with her arms.
It's usually Blue who's sleeping on everyone and everything but I noticed she almost never sleeps when she takes over my job. She hugged me and messed my hair a little with a hand and pressed the barrier button with the other giggling.
"Is it me or does the barrier look different?" she said and started skipping to the bus station.
They left 3 hours ago. I wanted to wish them best of luck on their exams but they might be sound asleep by now… and I would definitely be asleep when they wake up. Turns out I was wrong as Juicy called me.
Juicy was chewing in my ears, "what does it sound like I'm doing?"
"You're eating"
"CORRECT!!!" she said excitedly, "now seriously, you're on speaker."
"Hi guys," I said and heard them greeting back each one calling me something weird, nothing I'm not used to on the phone, "I hear Irish! Hi Irish!"
"Hello my love."
"So we've been thinking," Juicy hesitated, "of making your birthday a custom party?"
"Since your birthday is the night before Halloween and all" Irish said.
"You all want that?" I started considering my financial state; I don't have a custom. It's also 2 days away I don't know if I'll manage something that soon.
"YEAHS" I heard them all.
"As long as you all want to, yeah, okay" I said thinking that could actually be fun since I've never dressed up for Halloween.
"We've been thinking…" Irish started.
"That…" Juicy said so closely into my ears it made me shudder.
"Seriously?" Danielle said, I think to them, "Bliss we were contemplating the idea of you looking nice for once as a custom!" I felt myself laughing and she went on, "then who knows you might actually like it and start looking better on daily basis."
"What's wrong with how I look" I demanded, knowing egjactly what's wrong with how I look and tossing whatever Jack said about me being beautiful in whatever I feel comfortable in out the window.
"Honey, your hand-me-downs are from your father!" Irish said and I snorted into the phone and wiped it.
"I can't believe she even asked" I overheard Juicy.
"I heard that" I said and they all laughed.
"Just come by early to our place and I'll help you with that" Irish said as I overheard the girls counting the hours left until they had to wake up.
"Go sleep people, I'll see you" I said.
"Goodnight Bliss."
On my way home walking slower than I should, I noticed our car. It's been long since I last buckled its seatbelt around me. I took myself to it and sat in the passenger's seat feeling as heart wrenched as every time I sat on it.
How I've missed mom and sister's comforting seatbelt group hug! The hug I've never actually felt yet somehow imagined. I still can't seem to miss Baba since I haven't digested what happened to him… this fact gave me enough energy to go upstairs and turn on the dim light he always turned off when the sun shone. Maybe he'll finally come back to turn it off…
After there were no more flights of stairs to take, I fell happily tired on my armchair. The mint bouquet Jade made me filled the air with the freshest smell. I'm grateful for such a warm welcome every time I was home.
I washed and placed Jade's mints in the fridge fearing it might die then got to my room. Longing for Baba, I finally had the guts to turn on the dim light but… no light was bursting and I was standing in the dark.
I couldn't settle for that so I switched it off, waited a minute then turned the light back on… it wouldn't turn on. There was no light at all!
Without moving a single muscle, I must've stood there turning the light on and off on and off until I started laughing hysterically not knowing why. All I did was stare at the spot that's supposed light and freak out.
My steps unconsciously took me to the balcony and I went frantic calling for Jade. For Jade to come help me. Help me with what exactly? That, I don't know.
Just like Baba, I thought I'll always have that dim light he left behind! Now it's gone, it's as if I'm slowly losing everything I had with him. I couldn't carry myself and fell to the ground feeling as if I'm losing him all over again.
I heard knocks on the door and they were enough to wake me out of this sudden state of losing control over my broken body. I opened it and it was Jade running out of breath asking me what's wrong? What went wrong?
He tried to hold me but I kept pushing him. My palms were on his chest and I felt his heart beating as fast as mine. It felt as if he was in this with me, he's here for me and I could talk to him, he could actually help me.
"I'm afraid of the dark."
I said feeling myself believing Baba's death, feeling myself knowing he won't return no matter how much I wait, accepting I will forever lose the privilege of calling his name or seeing his face or hear him laugh.
Crying my heart out, I kept pushing Jade as strong as I could while trembling wholly. We were outside the apartment, "I'm afraid of the dark."
Jade grabbed both my wrists and pulled me closer and embraced me. I was completely wrapped in his arms and for the first time in my lifetime, I didn't at all have the power to hate a hug yet the power to only hug back.
"It's gonna be okay." He said and although I believed him, I couldn't stop my eyes from watering his chest.
"Baba's gone for real, I can't be in denial anymore."
"I know… but it's gonna be okay."
Finally, I looked at Jade who wiped my tears with his shaky hands and saw the handkerchief I gave him folded in his chest pocket. It's ugly and colorful but it was an instant comfort knowing even with that, he still wore it.
"Wait for the sun with me?" I asked finally letting him go.
"Of course."
We went inside and pushed the armchairs together, I sat on Baba's and Jade sat on mine. I leaned towards Jade just enough to not actually lean on him and grabbed his chair's arm like my broken heart depended on it.
Feeling like I owed him some explanation, I told him about that night when darkness turned unbearable to me. How I never wanted to close my eyes in the dark ever since. How Baba installed that dim light for me to turn on and fall asleep feeling safe and then he turned it off once there was sunshine all over my window.
One Halloween night about 5 or 6 years ago, Baba was late at work and I got lonely. I went down the street at 2 something in the morning and walked the familiar paths then drifted off not knowing to where exactly.
I saw the coffee shop I always hated for getting my name wrong every single time on my cup. I never fixed it though; I'm too socially awkward for that so I simply never went back. There was a traffic light right beside it, I looked at it and the intersection was empty.
The lights turned from red, yellow to green about 3 times and no car had passed and not a single pedestrian. I thought to myself: why don't I do the Notebook thing where they lie down in the middle of the street? Only by myself.
So, I looked to my right and left, checking for one last time that the coast is clear and safe. And I sat myself in the middle of the crosswalk then slowly lowered my back to the ground and closed my eyes for a matter of seconds.
The moment I opened my eyes was the scariest thing I'd opened my eyes to: someone in a frightening mask was staring at me dead in the eyes.
Well, the mask's eyes were staring at me and was making snoring sounds that would've been funny any other day but I remember lying there feeling cold and petrified.
I slowly rolled to one side and with all my might, got to my knees then feet and started walking back home. I looked back and it was gone! That freaked me out because usually when I see a spider, I'd want to run away from it but at the same time I'd kind of want to know exactly where it is… so, I started sprinting, which was hard considering how terrified I was AND THEN it appeared again in front of me and my steps were too slow it almost felt like I stopped walking.
The figure was walking towards me coolly. I moved a step to the right and it did the same! I moved a step to my left, it did the same!
Suddenly we were only a couple of meters away and the idea of looking mad came to me so I screamed my heart out and ran all the way back home. Just as I thought I was about to smash my nose on our apartment's door my dad opened it and I was safe.
That's when I developed my fear from the dark. Today I'm a couple of decades old parking building security guard who works on the night shift and never sleeps when it's dark.
"You know why of all I went through, that night scarred me the most?" I asked Jade who looked like I'd imagine myself looking every time I smashed my nose at doors, which stopped happening.
His eyes were widening staring at one spot and nowhere else, he's slowly shaking his head and is as stiff as I've never seen him.
"Tell me." He said clearing his throat.
"The night before that happened, I saw a shooting star!" I smiled, "I don't know why but at the sight of it I felt like my luck is finally going to change! That I'm gonna be loved, that I'll stop thinking about how I ruined Baba's life, that I'll be okay! But then I saw that and I lost all hope… I went back home and cried myself to sleep thinking why of all people, this thing chose to scare me when all I needed was comfort? Why of all people, it had to be me who was born into Baba's perfect family ruining their existence? Why do I get to the ice-cream parlor when it's closed? Why do I get everything that's broken? Why do I crave what's out of stock? Why wasn't I the good thing? The original Bliss?"
"But then you would've died when the other was born…" Jade said and I realized how much I've rambled on.
"Wouldn't that be better?" I grabbed Jade's chair's arms and kept pulling him closer to me like an idiot even though the chairs are already stuck together.
"No," Jade talked staring me in the eyes, there's something about him that suddenly changed, "not only your sister would've had to go through the same things as you… also, you're my good thing, you of all people."
Before I could wrap my head around what he just said I stopped sobbing as I realized the unusual grimace showing on Jade's face.
He looked frantic and started telling a story: "this one time I was eating a bag of Maltesers and chocked on one" Jade said and I smiled awkwardly at how this got nothing to do with what we're currently sharing.
The look on his face kept getting more terrified through telling this random Maltesers story, "it suffocated me badly enough to start gasping for air looking like I'm having a fit or something… but then with a bit of determination, I swallowed it and I was okay." He smiled finally and I smiled back, "you know what I did next?"
"What?"
"I used my inhaler, had some water and finished the remaining Maltesers" he looked at me, "you choose what you fear."
"So there was a point!" I laughed as I finally started to feel better while Jade looked ahead covering his mouth.
"I need to tell you something," he said still looking ahead, "can we stay in silence until the sun is out and I'd figured how to say it?"
"Sure" I paused, "I never had Maltesers." I said trying to release some of the sudden tension…
"What?" he looked at me, "It's my favorite," his face started to ease up now looking like the kind one I know, "I'll get you one sometime."
But before I know it, his gaze was far off and I went back to silently crying about Baba as my eyes met with my room.
Jade looked absent minded but made sure to wipe my tears and push my hair behind my ears. At one point he got up and made me a cup of mint tea, which he spilled all over the floor and refused my help to clean. He wiped the floor and made me another cup.
How glad I am that the sun took time to burst out on us. You know when you're trying so hard not to smile but the smile is stubborn and the only way you can stop it is by hiding it with your hand?
When I went to New York I got to experience a lot of firsts. Except when the plane was taking off, something about it was all too familiar. The seatbelt sign was on and I felt the ground the airplane wheeled on for takeoff.
My heart was pounding like crazy not knowing what to expect. My whole body was trembling not knowing if it's going to be safe or not. But then it happened, I felt the airplane rising from the ground and even though my tummy turned, I felt utter joy and comfort. Every time I see or think of Jade, it's an airplane taking off.
"The sun is out" Jade said from his place, I had to stretch myself to see it.
"Why did it sneak up on us?" I said looking grim at the window then I realized he heard me, I smiled but his face didn't look good staring at me.
He breathed out, "I'm trying to find the best way to do this" he said standing up moving around making me nervous.
"It's okay, you can tell me anything."
Jade nervously shook his head, "not this though, not after this." He took a deep breath and looked at me scratching his chin, "umm, I need you to consider the pure intention behind why I did this. I know I've been losing points with you and this is going to ruin the whole thing."
"Nothing would!" I said defensively.
"Um, as you've come to realize, I was in your life more than you recall." He paused and looked at the ceiling breathing, "nana always made me scary customs to wear on Halloween, it's our thing. So, one night I saw you and just wanted to finally formally introduce myself to you. The problem was, I'd forgotten that I still had my custom on… I kept an eye on you but you suddenly disappeared, you know I have asthma so I was breathing heavily looking for you. That's when I saw you lying on the street and I freaked out; I wanted to help you up before something wrong happened! When you opened your eyes and I learned you were okay I started to catch my breath but then you looked freaked out. I finally realized how I looked wasn't the best thing to wake up to when it's dark out and you're asleep in the middle of the street! So I started running after you but I scared you even more and I just couldn't take my mask off anymore because then I was afraid you'd hate me; you know? I was in your life a lot Bliss, but you never saw me and I had this gut feeling that if I took my mask to explain, you'll finally see me and you'll know just what to avoid and I couldn't risk that."
"No…" I whispered not believing it was him.
My heart banged so hard a tear fell from my eye before I'd allowed it. I tried to get up but gravity was at its best when I was at my weakest.