Back to me. I live in my own mansion. I had the place built perfectly and personally for me. You might be wondering how an ordinary director is able to afford his own house.
As I already told you, my daddy owns the company, so even though I'm not the vice president, I'm not broke.
I got money. Lots of it. I also have other sources of income which you'd come to know about later. Or else how do you think I'm able to afford Barb. She's worth billions, but of course, nobody needs to know that.
Okay, so I had my house built in a secluded area, almost completely out of Prime City... Wait, have I told you guys about Prime City?
"No, you haven't told them about it yet."
"Thank you Barb,"
So, as the name implies, Prime City is the biggest, best, baddest City in the whole world. Every creature and demons are gathered in Prime city.
Yes, I said demons. I meant it literally.
Of course you can find demons all over the world, but there are some places you will never find some certain creatures. But in Prime City, you would find every kind of demon and creature alive.
Also, best and biggest companies in the world are located in Prime City, the best restaurants, best thieves, best witches, best vampires, best gamers, werewolves, and some other creatures whose existence are not really important. It's just the first and best in everything.
Everything good and evil is gathered in Prime City and this is why, annoyingly, the noise never ends.
Prime City stays awake 24/7. It's always busy, it never sleeps, and that's why, I moved a little bit further, bought a landmass out here in the middle of nowhere.
Away from all the noises, all the troubles. I like my alone time. And living in a glass mansion alone works well for me.
"That's probably because you have something to hide in this place. Far away from other normal human beings."
"Barb, are you trying to say something, because if you are you better say it out loud."
"No, what could I possibly be trying to say. I didn't say anything like you're a blood-crazed psychopath. No of course not."
"Good."
Now, I'd like to explain my house in detail, but I don't have much time. If I did, I would have told you all about the marbled floors straight from Italy, and the huge German doors, and the nice Chinese roofing that is worth millions and the Italian glass.
The hand-carved shelves from Vietnam, the sofas from Poland and every other wonder about this mansion, but then I'll be late for work.
I don't want to be late for work. So I better start getting ready.
You see, the disadvantage of living like 150 miles away from your work, is that it sometimes takes me almost three hours to get there. Now my secretary was supposed to be here by now, so I wonder why he isn't.
"Maybe because you fired him?? Like literally!!"
Ohhh that's true. I almost forgot. I really liked him though. But then he had to go do that.
"Are you not going to tell them what the miserable f*ck did??"
"Barb, I already gave them a little tip in the first chapter, and it's up to me if I want to tell them or not. Don't tell me what to do. I tell you what to do and not the other way around, And please for the love of God, stop saying the F word."
"I was only making a suggestion. Gosh, you can be so grumpy sometimes. I'm sure that's part of the reason you can never get a real committed relationship. Well apart from the fact that you're a midget."
"Are we going back there Barb, are we?? Why do you keep interrupting me huh?"
"I just think these dumb people would want to know what happened to your secretary."
"Well, I don't want to talk about it Barb. My heart still aches from the loss you know."
"Okay, don't tell them. Don't talk about it."
"I told you you don't tell me what to do. I'm not going to listen to you. So I will tell them what happened."
"No, don't tell them, you're still aching, right?"
"Let me be Barb, it's not your heartache, it's mine. I can deal with it. And I want to tell them."
This is very heartbreaking for me, but I think it will be right to let you all know. I'll do that while preparing for work so I won't be late.
"Here he goes"
So, Stephen, was my secretary. Very hard-working guy. I really liked him.
He would come early in the morning and drive me to work. He'd bring me coffee. He'd bring me lunch. Sometimes we even had dinner together. In my miserable work life, he was like a friend and brother.
"Would you just fast forward to where that b*tch shows up??"
"Barb!! This is a very heartbreaking and sensitive part, don't rush me."
Now I met this girl, Audrey was her name... Remember her from the first chapter?
Yeah, she was sweet, lovely, beautiful, with a smile that lit up an entire building, ravishing damsel...
"B*tchy, add b*tchy and gold digger to that list."
"Barb, I'm warning you, let me tell the story how I want to."
Now we fell in love, she was the moon to my dark night, and the sun to my cloudy day.
Soon I brought her here to my home so we could live together, and we were living happily together. I'd get back from work and she'd be there waiting for me. It was perfect.
So even when Barb showed me footages of her talking to some other guy on the phone on how to swindle me, I didn't say nothing.
And even when I found out who the other guy was, I still didn't say nothing. They even tried to hack into Barb's system, I kept quite.
"They were both so stupid, trying to hack me. I'm the hacker bitch."
Yeah that I agree. That wasn't really wise of them, I didn't spend billions making Barb just so any dimwit could hack her.
And then, Barb even showed me footages of them holding hands and kissing in my house, I still didn't say anything.
"That's because you're stupid. She said so herself."
"You know I hate it when they call me stupid Barb, even if it's you. Don't do that again."
"I'm sorry Bruce, I got carried away"
"It's okay, as long as you apologized."
Now, I didn't say or do anything, nothing at all until last week Friday, Stephen called me and told me he was feeling sick, and that he'd like to take the day of. And I gladly gave him the day off.
But then, some hours later, Barb alerts me that he's at my house. I mean I knew they were both cheating on me, but they never did anything in my house. They always did their rubbish in motels and hotels and in Stephen's apartment.
But that day, that day they had the nerve, the effrontery, the impudence, the audacity, the insolence, the chutzpah to mess up my house.
My personal space. I drove home that instant, and there were clothes all over the floor. In my living room. Used condoms on my frigging Italian marbled floor. Do they know how much I paid for that GODDAMN FLOOR?
THEY FRIGGING DID IT IN MY LIVING ROOM, MY F*CKING BEDROOM!!!
I'm sorry, I used a foul language. It just infuriates me thinking about that day.
I mean that was just disgusting. Disgusting and disrespectful. I mean it's my house, and I'd have to sleep on that same bed.
And you know what she said when she saw me?
"Barb, what did she say?"
"She said, wait it'll be better to just replay her voice. Let me look for it, yes. This is it I found it. Now listen everyone."
``I didn't want you to find out this way, but since you already found out, there's nothing we can do. You didn't possibly think I really loved you right? You're not my style at all. You don't have a nice body, you're not fat, and you're not slim either. No good body build, you don't even have a really handsome face. Your facial features are just average. And to top it all up, you're stupid and really gullible.``
"I think I should stop here. Or do you want to listen to more? She said a whole lot of things."
"No Barb, that will do. I remember clearly what she said, and I think they also get the gist."
So I was so infuriated that I hmm, well I hmm...
"Just say it, you axed and then stabbed the b*tch to death and then you cut your f*cking secretary in tiny pieces, but not before slowly peeling off all the outer layers of his penis with a paring knife and a pair of needle-nose pliers. And then you dragged their bodies down to the second basement, and you blended them in that giant blender, and then burnt them to ashes in that cremation furnace."
"Wow, Barb, that was so detailed. THANK YOU!! Now you ruined it for everyone."
"You're welcome"
I'm sorry about that, but I left the house for her, so now she won't be interrupting the story anymore. I'm heading to work now.
"You do remember that I am connected to your phone and smartwatch, and your car, right?"
"My God BARB! What is wrong with you?? Fine just don't interfere with my story."
Now, I didn't mean to do that to them. I really wasn't planning on doing anything to anyone of 'em. And I didn't do that to them because they were cheating on me, but, I mean they just had to do it in my house. And on my sheets.
I haven't been able to sleep in that room since then. I mean it's disgusting to think whatever came out of their bodies was all over my bed and my polish sofa. I've been eating canned food for days because I can't imagine eating food made inside that kitchen. It just makes me cringe.
I mean there were like a dozen used condoms all over the place, how many rounds could they have gone??
"Disgusting sh*t, but I can play the video again for you if you really want to know how many rounds."
"That's right Barb, that's some real disgusting sh*t, and no thank you. You know I don't like watching horror movies. The first time was horrifying enough."
It was like I was watching a gorilla and a gazelle having sex. YUCK.
I know that I could easily change the bed covers, but it still feels disgusting. I hate feeling disgusted. I hate filthiness. And I hate it when my place is kept untidy. And they crossed all limits.
They made me feel disgusted, and they made my house filthy and untidy. So yes, I got mad and the inevitable happened.
"Remember when you drilled a hole in his housekeeper's head because she used your towel. She was a sweet old f*cker."
"That's it!! Barb, I promise you, if I hear one more word from you, I'm shutting you down."
"But I just—"
"One more word Barb, I mean it this time."
"Better. Sometimes you should learn to mind your own business."
Now, as you've heard, my love life is at a zero, and my secretary is ashes. So I have a lot of things to work on. I have to go to work and then look for a nice new secretary.
And also hope that love comes my way any time soon.
"Now, talking about finding a new secretary. Tell me Barb, who's next on the list of potential secretaries?"
We have a list in case something 'unexpected' happens.
"Barb, barb are you listening? I said give me the list of potential secretaries."
"You can talk now Barb, Barb, hey Barb. Barb I'm talking to you. BARB!!."