She sat me down at our old, little kitchen table. "Do you want anything to drink, eat?", my mother asks with her usual calm and sweet demeanor. Whenever I would come over during the early stages of my pregnancy, my mom cooked up whatever I asked of her.
"What do you have?", I asked her. Thinking about it now, I don't think she was ever this nice to me as a kid. I guess having the prospects of having a grandchild on the way excites her.
Looking at me with a smile, she tells me, "We have a bit of everything. Do you want to drink a little coffee?"
"Um, I don't know Mom. The doctor did tell me to cut back on it", I chuckle.
"Oh, don't worry Selly… the doctors told me the same thing too and you and your brother both came out normal", my mom says as she is already pouring a big cup of warm coffee, "Anyways, I made a lot before you got here, so at least have a cup with your mother for old times' sake."
That was my mom.
"Oh, Um, thanks mom", I awkwardly say to her.
She was the type of lady that ignored certain rules, as long as they didn't hurt anybody. If someone told her not to do something, instead of not doing it, she would ask why? When pointed towards the right direction, she would simply walk the opposite way, all the while proclaiming that she knows a shortcut. I guess I was a lot like my mom when I was young: a rebel. But seeing it now, especially in an older woman, the whole attitude can be annoying.
Alongside my coffee, my mom places a small porcelain plate with a piece of sweet bread. Thinking that it is true, I haven't drunk coffee in months and that my mom does kind of know what she is talking about, I mean she did have two kids, I take a small sip. A smile instantly overcomes my face as the rich dark coffee begins to shower my tastebuds.
Acknowledging my smile, my mom tells me whilst sitting down, "You've been drinking coffee since you were little. Just because some doctor tells you not to do something, doesn't mean you should stop doing it. Especially, since it's something that doesn't hurt you."
Even though I usually stay quiet whenever my mom says something out there, I for some reason feel my lips move, "Thats a pretty bad way of thinking." While the words escape my mouth, I prepare myself for the verbal abuse my mom was about to unload on me but instead, she just laughs it off. When I was a teenager, me and my mom would constantly get into verbal fights because of things that I would say under my breathe. It would be things exactly like I just said but this time, my mom just looks at me with relief in her.
"Don't be like your dad, Selly. You can't trust these doctors. But you'll understand that when you're older", she warmly says. I don't know why but her soft smile right now made me feel at ease, almost like the past didn't happen.
She pours herself a cup of coffee and sits down from across me, "So?"
Confused I say, "So?"
"So how is it starting your own family?", she says gleefully.
"Oh. It's been ok, I thought starting a family would make me feel different but…", I awkwardly say.
"But what?"
Right next to our table, there is a window and when I was young, whenever I would sit down to have a cup of coffee- I would look out it. Our home was very close to the citadel. "Heaven's prick", we would call it out in the street. A giant structure that pierces through the heavens in the middle of the city that was supposedly pre-war but there's been myths and such that this thing wasn't even man made. Supposedly, it was the last thing that the gods threw down as a reminder of humanity's place in the world, right before they turned their backs on us or some bullshit like that. The elders have since then made that giant pillar their home.
Our window had the perfect view to see that tower, however, we can never see the tip of it. It was a constant reminder of our status of as citizens of this place, and I hated it. I think about my brother when I look at it. I think about Ashley when I see it and now, I will think about Jeremy when I look at it. However, at this moment, it just reminds me that I am alive.
"Well, I'm still me…I'm just pregnant now", I say while looking out my window. I turn to look at my mom and smile but somehow, she is able to see through it.
"Starting a family isn't like getting a haircut, Selly. You don't feel it instantly, it takes time for it to settle in. I still remember when I first got pregnant with Michael, I would lay down and watch him move around because I just couldn't believe something was inside of me. You know", she says compassionately.
"Yeah. I guess the fear hasn't set in yet", I say.
"It's not something you should fear…"
I try to read my mom's face, but I feel as if what I said really disappointed her, "That's not what I meant. I meant that I haven't grasped the reality of my situation yet", I say.
"You shouldn't fear reality either way, Selma…", She tells me. However, she didn't say it angrily or with disappointment but instead with worry in her voice. She finds the words to calm and continues, "…reality is what bridges childhood to adulthood. It's the ultimatum between success and failure… Anyways, it was bound to happen to you. You're already 17, Its your responsibility as a woman to start up a family."
"I know, I know. It's my duty as a NAC woman to birth healthy, loving children", I recite trying to stop my mom's lecture but that isn't truly worried about. I am more concerned with what kind of world am I bringing my children to. However, my mother continues, "It's my duty as an NAC parent to tell you every now and again. If I didn't, I'm not doing my job as a mother."
"Don't say that mom, I never saw it as you doing a job. I just thought you were doing it because you loved us", I say.
"You're saying that I didn't love you?", She asks me with a slight passive-aggressiveness I that know her for.
I pause before explaining to her, "Aww mom don't say that. I knew you loved us; you use to do all sorts of great stuff for us when we were kids."
"I know I did, it's nice to hear you being appreciative every once in a while", my mom says while smiling. Honestly, I don't know when my mom is joking or being serious with me. However, people have told me I am like that as well, but I don't want to continue it, so I just smile back.
"That's the smile you use to do when you were a kid, you should smile more often, Selly. It makes you look less uptight", she tells me. My smile goes away, and I feel my face go red, "Not you too!", I say, "I hate it when Daniel tells me that."
She laughs and says, "He's right you know. You have such a pretty smile…" Her telling me that makes me feel nice. My mom leans in closer to the table and says like she is telling a secret, "By the way, are you two still fighting?"
"No. I said sorry to him yesterday", I tell her.
"Thats good, Selly, but you should've waited for him to say sorry. It's only normal for the man to apologize to his significant other", she confides with me.
"Trust me. I wanted to but I just missed hearing him talk", I say.
She sits back in her chair and say, "You're so weird, Selly… Sometimes I don't know what you are thinking when it comes to that boy."
"I can't get a grasp on how I think about him too, sometimes he's the man of my dreams and he's the only thing I look forward to in the day. Other times, I can't stand the stupid look on his face or his passive attitude", I say to her.
"Hm", my mom hums while putting her finger to her chin to think.
I continued, "Beyond that, I do enjoy being with him, the problem is that I don't know how to tell him he's the most important thing in my life… well besides the baby."
"What do you mean?"
"I still… sort of… have a hard time telling him… that I love him."
My mom looks at me with a dumbfounded face and says, "Selma Are you serious… just tell him that you love him you Idiot!"
"I want it to be as simple as that, I really do… but I find myself struggling to just say a compliment to him. The more I struggle with myself, the more I get frustrated…"I can see my mom's face confusion change to worry, "… and the more I take it out on him."
We both share a moment of silence.
"Do you have any ideas as to why you feel this way?", she asks me.
I explain, "No. I don't have a clue. Still, it wouldn't give me an excuse to be a bitch to the man I love if I did find one."
My mom stays quiet and says in a quiet voice, "Have you ever thought that maybe you two… weren't meant for each other?"
I stay quiet and confused, why would my mom say something like that. I mean I do love him, but I just can't wrap around my head as to why I feel this way.