"I'm sorry", my mother apologizes, "I didn't mean it to come out that way."
I wave my hands up and calmly say, "No, it's ok mom. I know you didn't mean it that way." I reach my hand towards my coffee and take a big sip of that bitter gold. "I mean the thought has floated in my head." I place my coffee back down and continue, "But now if I even wanted to, it's too late now."
My mom looks at me with sad look.
"I questioned the idea while I still had time back in high school but now, even if I finally found the answer, I am prisoner of fate, mom", I reinforce. It's true back in high school and even now, me and him are just too different types of people. We both saw that but just for some reason, we stuck like glue.
"Maybe it's better to not think about those kinds of things and just accept what life has brought to you. I mean Daniel does love you and… I mean he is handsome", my mom says to me.
I agree with her, "Yeah, he is something." But appearance wasn't enough for me to be happy I suppose. Sometimes when I lay down in bed with him, I can't sleep. All I think about is if I am truly happy in the position that I am in. Is this really the man that I wish to stay for the rest of my life? I don't know if I'm too much of a coward or too much stupid to really find that answer.
"Yeah, but I ask myself is that really what I want?", I tell her.
In a joking manner, my mom says, "I'd be pretty set if your dad treated me like a queen and was easy on the eyes." I smile but inside I only get more confused. When my mom puts it like that, it sounds like I got everything that I should need in life, but I don't know.
"Yeah maybe…Maybe I'm asking for too much in him. I should just be happy that he's nice to me", I tell her.
"Well, let me ask you this. what did you want in partner?", my mom asks me.
"What I wanted?", I ask myself, "I don't know... I guess I wanted someone like Daniel." But in reality, I can't even be sure if that answer is truthful.
"Then, what's your problem?", my mother pries an answer from me.
I think to myself the answer, "There are certain things that Daniel says to me or promises that he makes to me that I know he can't do. He checks out all the boxes as a lover, but somethings are just, a performance, it isn't really who he is."
"Selma", my mother says with conviction, "That's just how people are. The truth is that people lie to their lovers all the time. If we didn't, we wouldn't find someone who wants to be with us and you know what happens if we don't find someone by the time high school ends, right?"
"Yeah…"
"They kill you. They feed you to the fucking lions", I've never seen my mom this serious before. "Listen, Selma", my mom calms down, "We are only humans, we aren't perfect. I'm sure that you too have at least lied to or put up a performance for Daniel. Am I right?"
"Yeah", I say without thinking. When we first started dating, I stopped being a delinquent just so I can keep up the appearance of future wife material.
My mom looks at me, "The good thing is that I think that boy actually loves you. I just wish your brother found someone like how you found him, alright, so don't be too hard on him. If you two are really having problems go see a marriage counselor, that's why they have them you know."
"Ok mom, I will look into", I say before we share a long and dreadful pause.
"Selly…", my mom calls, "Talking about your brother, has Michael sent you any letters lately or have you heard any news about his whereabouts?" I stay quiet because I already know why my mom is asking this question, "Why do you ask?"
"It's been a week and he hasn't sent a letter…", my mom murmurs. I've heard this story many times before but not from my mother. Usually when a soldier stops sending letters it's two things: their dead or they went missing. Knowing this, I try to find the right words to say to her without making her upset. "Oh, I don't know, I haven't checked my mailbox. I'll check it when I get home though."
"Please do", my mom request. My mom is no fool either, she knows what is going on but the best I can do is try to cheer her up. "Yes, don't worry mom. I'm positive he just wrote the wrong address, or it's backed up in the post office", I tell her.
"Yeah ok", my mom says in a somber tone.
I tried to get my mom out of the funk and after a couple of minutes, I managed to get her out of her funk on talking about the baby. However, I know as soon as I leave, she will just begin to cry about Michael. If I'm being truthful, there were a couple times I found myself tearing up just thinking about my brother. To think that person I once saw as the ultimate badass is lying face down in the mud somewhere because of a stupid law- just boils my blood.
To my mom, although it might be stupid to think but, I am pretty sure she loved Michael more than she did me and now... well, now he's dead.
After a couple more slices of sweetbread over conversations to distract ourselves, I looked outside that window and saw the storm clouds coming through. Before it started to rain, I decided to leave.
I give my mom a goodbye hug and tell her, "I love you mom." She replies softly, "I love you too, be safe Selly."
As I walk out of the house, I immediately feel all the mix of emotions associated with death. I am filled with sadness, hatred, guilt, and melancholy. I don't know any other way to express all these negative emotions besides quietly crying to myself as I wait for the public transport.