I came back to the house after work and saw Ali already sitting in the dining area. "Am I late?" I asked him as I walk faster towards him holding my bag on my shoulder and still wearing my working clothes.
"No, " he simply answered as he put his arms on the table and clasps his hands together. Right when I sit at the dining table, I already knew that something was up with him. "How's work?" he asked me to start a conversation.
"F-fine," I answered though I remembered that new feeling that I felt about Zach when I came into his office this afternoon. But I tried to keep it all away from my mind. "There's not a lot of work today, just small tasks. I had a lot of breaks," I said.
"Hmm, I see," when he answered that way, I felt the urge to just ask what was wrong. He was looking at the plate in front of him when he answered me and that look on his face wasn't normal. I stopped myself from asking and waited for him to tell me himself because I was afraid I might end up putting pressure on him and might make him not say anything at all.
"And did I tell you? Zach," I paused shortly after mentioning his name but even his name didn't manage to take Ali's eyes off the plate. "Zach bought the GP team and a few weeks ago, I officially became one of his employees," I said. We never met each other the past week so I didn't get the chance to tell him anything. I thought this news was going to surprise him but I was wrong.
"Oh yeah?" he asked, emotionlessly. He took his eyes off the plate and looked at me and put an expression on his face but it was too late for him to convince me that it was real.
It's night time but I could clearly see how bothered he was with just a few lamps on in our dining area. He wasn't looking good since I had talked to him the other day. It was just me and him and I have no idea what it is that he couldn't seem to tell me.
"How about you? How are you doing?" I asked him. Hoping that he would reveal something.
"Fine," but he answered shortly. I expected him to answer that way so I moved to the next question.
"Do you not have problems at work?" I asked having the same hopes again.
"Not really," he answered shortly again.
I don't know what was up. I have no idea whether it was something related to work or anything. I can't figure it out with just this expression that he has on his face and his short replies. He looks like he doesn't want to tell me about it. What is it that he finds hard to talk to me about?
He told me that he was going to say something but I waited for a few minutes before mentioning what the text was all about. Everything was quiet while we were eating. Sometimes. I say something hoping that he'd have a normal conversation with me but he continued giving me short replies.
"You texted me this afternoon," I started asking as I slowly move the remaining food on my plate using the spoon that I was holding. I looked up at him and he wasn't even looking at me. He was looking straight at his food. "What was it that you want to say?"
I wanted to tell him that I knew something was up so he could tell me but I also wanted to let him tell me by himself. I don't know what it was about and I am afraid that I might put him under pressure.
"About that," he said and passed as he stare at a part of the table that has nothing to do with the conversation, "Forget it," he suddenly said.
"What do you mean?" I asked him.
"I can't tell you about it yet," he said and sighed. I don't know if I should be thankful that he said that he can't say it yet and that not saying nothing at all.
I didn't force him to tell me anything after what he said but continued saying something throughout our dinner. When we had finished eating together and were on our way to our own rooms, I looked back at him. "You know you can tell me anything, right?" I asked him. he stopped walking but didn't look back right away so I waited for him to respond as I stand beside my door.
"I don't know how to start," he said and looked up to the ceiling, "But I'll tell you whenever I think is the best time," and he continued walking to his room.
Even if he reached into his room already, I stood there as I stop myself from forcing him to tell me what it is. It doesn't seem to be good news and I now want him to tell me about it. Or even just what it is related to because I know I would be overthinking about it tonight again.
The next few days passed by but Ali still didn't tell me anything. I am glad that it slowly slipped out of my mind in the meantime and kept me away from thinking about it the whole time, especially at work.
I also didn't have any interactions with Zach this past few weeks and I realized that unlike what I thought was the worst it could be when we became closer by distance, it felt like nothing to me because we wouldn't even talk to each other. We sometimes meet but we don't interact.
It was right but it didn't feel right to me. I find myself annoying whenever I feel worried that he doesn't care about me anymore. I don't even know why I feel that way.
I looked at the papers on my table. Work is done for today and I am now inside my room wearing a tank-top and shorts as I sit at my study table while looking at these papers from a memorial park. I was planning on putting my baby's urn in a memorial park so it could get a proper display than in my room where it gets very dusty sometimes.
I wanted to scatter the ashes but I didn't know where to.
It's now my third year and I think it would be better to keep it in a better place than in my room which makes it look less special. For the third anniversary, I wanted to put her in a memorial park because as the year passed by, the pain was lessened.
I wanted to keep the urn away from me as I keep moving on completely. I wanted to put her in a special place where I can still visit whenever I want to. I can't just display it in my room forever and get reminded of the past almost every day of the year. I want to put her in a memorial park for her to get a proper display and for me to move on completely.
I didn't want to forget about her. I just want to keep myself away from being reminded about it almost every day. The love and longingness didn't disappear but my urge to stop myself from remembering it every day has increased.
The day after tomorrow is my unborn child's third anniversary. Still, nobody in the office had ever found out that I had lost a child. Nor do I want them to know. I want to keep it to myself and I don't think telling it to others would bring any good to them.
I looked at my child's document. The name was blank because, at that time in the hospital, we didn't give her a name yet. I left it this way for years but I need it for the memorial display spot reservation.
I raised my head to look at the ceiling as I think of a name for the baby. Which I never even thought about thinking about while I was pregnant. It took me a while to think about a name and when I finally get to decide, I wrote it on the paper and slept for the night.
I went into the office for work and didn't expect to run across Zach who just come from the marketing department's office for I don't know what the reason is. He was walking with his hands in his pocket and he was on his way to the elevator when the door opened and I stepped out.
I lowered my head and continued walking afraid that I might get eye contact. I went into the office and finally get to breathe freely. I wasn't even sure if he was looking at me but I kept my head lowered because I thought he might. Assumptive as always but it's better than nothing.
While I was in the middle of coding on my computer, I suddenly remembered that I had come up with a name last night and didn't get to tell him. He deserves to know even though it was too late. He deserves to know that I chose to put his surname on our child's name..
But I don't know how to tell him.
"Xhyrah!" I looked up when I heard someone call and it was Lydia who had just come out of Leslie's office. "Leslie was asking you to get these to the marketing office," she said and gave me a brown folder filled with lots of documents.
I thought I would be able to come to Zach's office but I was wrong. She was just asking me to pass it on to the marketing team just on the same floor.
I went up from my seat and took the documents with me and walked my way to the marketing office.
This wasn't the first time that I had set foot in this office. their office is a lot more crowded than us and whenever I come in, I expect the people to yell and welcome me inside. I just smiled at them as I walked inside the office towards another office and knocked on the door. When I heard someone say 'come in,' from inside, I went and opened the door and saw the head of the department, Jessa at her table. "Oh hey," she smiled at me.
"Uhm, Leslie wanted to send you this one," I said and put the folder in front of her on her table.
"Oh, I see," she said.
I was hoping to see Zach in the corners of the room but I never did so I came back to our office and continued doing my work.
Before I got home, I stopped by to get a copy of my baby's documents which I just filled out online last night. The document only includes the name and the summary information from a fetal death record. I just want to send him the name. So I put it in an envelope so I could give it to him tomorrow.
TODAY is my baby's third death anniversary. I already talked to Leslie about this I am taking only half of the day at work because I have an important matter to come to which is the moving of my baby's urn to the memorial park. She didn't know the reason but she agreed.
I am only able to be in the building for a few hours and I am already worried that I might not be able to run across Zach and won't be able to give him this document.
Leslie didn't ask me to deliver documents nor did I see him when I was out of the office. It was lunchtime when I decided to just come to his office by myself.
I was very nervous when I pressed the top floor of the building. I don't know what to expect when I get there.
I don't even know what to tell him when I get there.
The elevator door opened and I saw his secretary eating with her lunch box. Her eyes widened when she saw me which I found very weird. She does it every time she sees me on this floor. "I came to give him something," I said and showed her the envelope. 'Not work-related but,' I said and paused so she could reply.
"Please come in," she said and gestured her hands to the door.
I walked towards the door holding the envelope in my right hand while I was holding my bag's strap in the right. I breathe heavily as I open the door.
I forgot to knock.
Forgetting to knock made my heart jump but I still managed to come in. I saw him on the table. I expected him to be eating right now but he was just there holding documents in his hands. "Hey," I called him.
Calling him like this would make him realize that what I came here for wasn't for work.