I woke up with Zach beside me on the bed. He slept late last night, actually, he just slept this morning so I didn't want to wake him up. He had also driven 3 hours back to the house and went back again after a meeting. So I decided not to touch him and went into the shower and soaked myself for 30 minutes before going out of the room.
There are fewer people in our house who came to visit my Prents' funeral today, unlike yesterday which was the first day of the funeral. The Funeral will be for 3 days then, we are going to cremate them and put them in this house. There's not much time to look at my parents' bodies so I want to look at them more today.
I went closer to the caskets where my parents are laying into. I touched the glass and continued staring at them. It felt like forever but it stopped short when I noticed Ali walking down the stairs.
I remembered what he told me just last night. I wonder what it was. I was very busy crying last night and I couldn't even make that issue come into my mind. It's about Zach and why he doesn't like him. I wonder what it is that he doesn't like about Zach. For me, he's a very good person already.
Now I just realized that we have been together for only 2 months. I must not have known him a lot during those periods of time. And it was something that he couldn't tell me so I can assume that it is something related to me.
"Hey," I called him.
"If it's something about what I said last night, forget it," he stopped me from asking, "It was nothing," he said and looked at the caskets for a few seconds and then left without any words. He looks pissed for an unknown reason.
I continued with the day. Checked my parents from time to time and said thank yous to people. There were reporters asking for me to come out to them and give them the chance to ask something from me but Tita Leah knew that I didn't want to reveal myself to the public and that was why I was hiding all this time. I don't want to get publicized again so Tita Leah said no to the reporters.
Now that I think of it, I didn't get to check what was happening in the media. I sat on the chair in front of the caskets and opened my browser to read articles. There were a lot of articles about my parents' passing and Zach's name was included in most of them. there were pictures that they took yesterday and I noticed that my face was blurred in all of the photos.
"I asked them to blur your face," suddenly, I heard Zach's voice coming from the back. I turned my head and looked at him. He must've gone to shower because his hair was damp and he had changed clothes.
"Maybe I should release a statement to thank the people online for their condolences?" I asked him while scrolling on thousands of comments sending me and my family condolences.
"Tell me if you want to, I'll contact someone for you," he said and sat on the seat right next to me. "How are you?" he asked me again. I can feel his concern each time he asks me how I was doing.
"I'm doing quite fine today," I answered him and slipped my phone back into my pocket.
"You were crying last night,"
"I know, it's just that I couldn't help it. With everything that was happening, I felt very lonely last night,"
"I'm very sorry about that--"
"That wasn't your fault, Zach," I cut him off. He stopped and faced me. He raised his hand so it would reach my head. He touched my hair and looked at me.
"You know that I'm here right?' he asked me and I nodded.
I will never be left alone as long as he was with me. I just couldn't believe that I got so lucky to have him by my side. It made me think about the thing that Ali dislikes about him. he's such a good person. He has never let me down. Not even once. He always makes me feel like he would always be there when I need something.
After what happened to my parents, he did everything to accompany me through my darkest times after finding out what had happened to them. Since that night that Tita Leah told me, and last night when he found out I was crying, and today.
He's been such a great help going through all the stress this situation has given me.
He sat there with me until we were called to eat breakfast. I lasted the day smoothly with Zach. Whenever my chest starts to hurt, I'd snuggle up to him.
After lunch, I suddenly felt weird. but I ignored it because I was busy talking about Zach and what I was going to say to the people who noticed my Dad's greatness in the business world.
I bared with a weird feeling in my body because we had to go back downstairs because an executive came and we had to come to see him downstairs.
It was a little weird feeling at first but as time rolled by, It started to hurt and the weird feeling became pain. Zach was holding my hand when I started to feel the pain in my stomach. The executive was talking in front so I had to bear with it.
It took me minutes. Wondering what the pain was coming from and why do I feel like it was coming from my stomach. And it felt like having cramps but severe. "Are you okay?" Zach asked me when he noticed that I am pressing on his hand way too much. I didn't answer.
"I was so sad when I found out about the news. He has been a friend of mine since his kid is only 6 years--"
"Excuse me, Mr. Lim, My wife is not feeling well, I would like to excuse us," I was surprised that he cut off the executive talking in front and pulled me away from them and I didn't even get to say anything. He helped me go upstairs to my bedroom and he squatted in front of me while holding my hand. "Are you okay? you're sweating," he asked me and wiped my sweat using his palm.
The pain makes me want to cry but I don't want to.
"It hurts," I told him.
"What do you mean? You're not due yet," he said.
That's when I started to panic. I am not due yet but the pain might feel like labor. I looked at Zach and gripped tightly on his arm showing him how much I am scared of what might happen.
I can't.
Not yet.
Not another disaster.
"I'll take you to the hospital,' he said and helped me back on my feet. I was trembling really hard and standing up was almost impossible for me. But I managed because he gripped my waist tightly helping me walk.
I kept reminding myself to keep calm and that everything was going to be alright like what happened the last time. And there wasn't heavy bleeding so it must be fine.
I was reminded of what happened in the hospital and the condition of my pregnancy. I am at high risk of miscarriage yet I let myself get swallowed up by sorrow and even push myself too hard the other day.
But it wasn't long enough for my body to react like this. Those 2 days cannot keep my baby away from me. No.
While I walk slowly out of the room, I kept making myself feel at ease by convincing myself that everything is going to be alright. I am holding Zach's hand tightly as I feel the pain slowly getting stronger.
But then, Zach stopped suddenly while looking at my back. My eyes widened and immediately wondered what he was looking to. I was too afraid to check thinking it was just like last time and I wasn't wrong.
Blood was all on the floor and on my clothes. Everywhere. My knees were sucked out of energy and I almost fell if not for Zach helping me stand. He was as panicked as I was.
I started crying.
No. Not, please. Not the baby.
Ali saw us coming out of the room and was also surprised with me covered in blood and some were dripping on the floor. "What happened?" He asked us but no one could answer.
Everything happened so quickly. It felt like the fastest moment in my entire life. I remember Zach holding me up from the floor and running me out towards the car.
I was scared. I have never been scared like this before in my entire life. I kept staring at the blood in my legs and thought that all of this could now be over. I was crying. Ali was driving the car and Zach was beside me holding my other hand and looking at me as if he knew what was about to happen.
I woke up in a white room where the lights blinded my eyesight for a few seconds. I was in a hospital. I see medical fluid inserted on my arm and the familiar pattern on the clothes I am wearing.
I didn't get to remember it at first but I cried hard after waking up. When I started crying, that was when I remembered.
Everything feels weird and I already know something wasn't right about my body. All I could feel is the pain of losing someone that I had just been currently going through.
I lost it. I lost the baby.
Not a few minutes later, I was crying so hard and then Zach came into the room. He's still under the same clothes he wore when we came to the hospital. He went to me and hugged me immediately. He didn't say anything. He didn't tell me that I lost the baby as if he already knew that I have already noticed it.
I was bawling. I was crying loudly. Tears were running down my cheek like streams making his shoulder wet. He also pinned his face on my neck and it pushes closer every time I cry loudly. The hug was tight. He wasn't crying but I know he feels the same thing.
We lost the baby and we couldn't talk about it because of how hurt we were.
Was it my fault? Was it because I didn't take care of myself enough for the baby to survive? Was I the reason that my baby died? Because I let myself get eaten by my emotions and stress? I want to know why this happened but it feels like it was too soon to know.
It would just hurt me more., all I need right now is someone to be with as I face my emotions. As I feel the pain of losing someone again. I first lost my parents, and a few days after, I lost my baby.
Why does it have to be me? Do I deserve this kind of pain? This kind of suffering? I haven't been able to move on with my parent's passing just yet and now I have to go through the same process again.
Crying and bawling my eyes out until I get to sleep.
I woke up with the voice of a woman talking. My head hurt after lots of crying earlier. When I forcefully opened my eyes, I saw Zach standing beside my bed and looking at the person that was talking about something. When I looked at a woman, it was a woman dressed in a white coat and after the first glance, I already knew who she was.
"She's awake," she noticed me looking at her. I felt Zach's hand on my head, I looked at him and looked back to the woman.
I wanted to know what happened.
"I heard you bled once already," she told me and I nodded, I don't have the energy to speak, and I only want to listen to what she was about to say. "To put it simply, the baby was already weak. The baby didn't survive and it caused the second bleeding."
The doctor told me that it wasn't my fault that my baby died. She told me that as clearly as possible because she didn't want me to feel regretful about what happened. The baby was already weak, to begin with, and it wasn't holding on quite strongly and in a little bit of stress, the baby let go. And she also told me that in that kind of case, the baby doesn't usually survive and if they did, they'll probably be born weaker than normal babies and some of them didn't even reach the age of 10 or so.
The baby was a girl. And when I heard the gender, I felt a huge sting on my chest and it felt like crazy.
Even after what the doctor said, I still blamed myself for the stress that triggered my baby's passing. It was my fault. I should've taken care of myself more for the baby to survive but I didn't. And now,
Zach came to them again. I wasn't even asking him to hug me tightly but when the doctor left, he came to them and pressed his face on my neck as I was lying on the hospital bed. I held on to him and hugged him tighter. We both shared the same feeling as we snuggle in to each other on the same bed.