"Now that the baby is gone, What do you think is the reason for staying together?"
He looked at the screen. His eyes didn't move and I know he was looking at me on the screen. He paused for a bit and was taken aback by the question. "Where did that come from?" he asked me.
"I was just thinking and it came into my mind," I lied.
"Why? do you want to leave me?" he asked me. My movements stopped. He looked intently at the screen and I know he was trying to read my reaction.
No, I don't but if that's what will make you happier then I would. Because I would never stay with you even after finding out that you never really wanted me.
Answering the question is basically just confessing to him. Saying 'no' would mean something that is why I don't want to say it. "I was asking you," I said.
"What are you thinking?" he asked me. The question disappeared and now he's curious about what was going on with my mind.
"Nothing, I told you it came into my mind all of a sudden," I said and removed my eyes from the screen and pretended to look at something interesting. The call was on but no one was talking. He was glancing at me from time to time and I did the same too.
My question made the atmosphere awkward and even I, myself couldn't say anything. That is why I regretted asking that.
I couldn't talk because it was awkward but because he could never really answer the question. and his answers are empty, then there must be no reason that he could think of and that is what scares me.
I cannot live with him knowing that he cannot even answer why he still wanted to stay with me. or he never really wanted to and he's just waiting for me to notice and be the first one to say goodbye.
Is that it?
I looked back to the screen and he was also looking at me. Now I wish I should've told him personally so we could settle this once and for all. I cannot deal with this any longer. I know myself better than anybody else and if I don't deal with this earlier. I would end up hurting because of it much longer.
I've had enough pain this month and this is slowly adding up and I don't want it to be as worst as the others. I lost my parents, and my baby, and am now slowly losing my husband too. It happened so fast and in a span of 2 weeks, I am here, crying again.
I hang up the call and turned my phone off. I don't even understand why I am acting like this. Aside from the anger of not being able to know anything about the blackmail and thinking of myself as an excess burden., I am affected by the fact that I'd separate myself from Zach anytime soon.
It's like I have already made up my mind and I feel very sad about it. It's as if I didn't want to let go of him. I really want to stay with him but in this situation, I should ignore my feelings because he might not be happy about this and I can't live with him forever if he does. Because I don't want to block his happiness of being free and single. He must enjoy his life even without me.
That phase where we became a married couple should be put in the past and should never be taken back again.
I'd like to give him that freedom. Because he was just caught up with my father's crap and I also feel sorry for him for being blackmailed.
I don't want to tell him that I knew about what happened that night. I must not tell him and I need to come up with a way to separate myself from him without him knowing that I had already found it. He kept the blackmail from me and I am keeping my real reason from him. It may seem toxic, but it's not that I expect him to say 'no' to my decision. I will be talking to him about divorce and if he asks me for the reason, I cannot just say that I was hurt because he didn't tell me the truth.
Because if he did, things wouldn't come to this and I wouldn't catch any feelings from him. That is why I don't want to tell him the real reason.
The next day, I prepared myself to go back to our house. I didn't get enough time alone but I got more than enough time to decide. Or did I make up with the decision way too short? I don't mind because right now, all I am thinking is how I could tell him about it.
We left at noon. He came to our house dressed in black jeans and hoodies. He didn't look like a billionaire at all when he came to my house at one in the afternoon. He gave me a kiss when he came and he was already giving me that look.
That look that someone gives when they want to talk. Well, I thought it was perfect to turn my phone off last night so he would wonder and he'd be the first to talk to me. He didn't say anything when Ali was around. I waited for him to be the first one to talk but we came home after three hours with none of us talking.
I went straight to the bathroom when we came home and I put my hands on the marble table as I look at myself in the mirror. I can feel that it is happening right now.
Am I ready for this? I kept myself awake last night just to think and prepare for this. There's no way I would back down. I have to tell him.
I don't want my feelings to get worst. I want to stop this as soon as possible. We were still young and I know we could find someone even better than each other in the future.
I don't like to think about getting married but wasn't the main reason.
Am I too shallow? Should I just stop this and try to act normal? of course not.
"Hey," he called me when I came out of the bathroom and he was already sitting on the bed waiting for me to open the door. There's that way of calling me again. "What was last night all about?' he asked when I walked past in front of him to sit on the other side of the end of the bed.
I breathe in a lot of air before talking, "You still didn't answer my question. " I told him. It's almost night time and he still hasn't told me anything.
He moved to face me. He put his arm on the back and leaned on it. He tilted his head and looked at me sitting on the other side with my legs bent together. "Why are you asking about it suddenly?" he asked.
The conversation is calm so far. And it's just how I wanted it to be.
I looked away and couldn't answer. I want him to say something before I say something about parting ways. We still haven't started close to that topic yet but I already feel like crying. I hate myself for feeling like this.
Silence occupied the room for a few moments. No one was talking. I saw him raising his head to the ceiling and closing his eyes. It started to make me think that he was getting where I am about to go. He already knows where this conversation is going. "We'll talk about it some other time," he said and attempted to stand up.
"No, we're talking about it right now," I said. He stopped moving and looked at me.
"Are you serious?' he asked me.
"Yes," I didn't expect him to toss the conversation some other time. He seems like he didn't want to talk about it and it's so annoying because he doesn't look like he was willing to participate in the conversation when I am doing it for the both of us. "I don't think there is any more to our relationship, Zach," I confessed.
"We'll talk about it so--"
"We have to do it sooner or we'll regret it," my voice almost broke. "That is why I asked you last night. You didn't even have an answer. Then there's nothing more in this relationship to keep striving for,"
I don't know how I could possibly talk to him about this the proper way but I am trying my best. i am trying my best to make him understand where I was coming from.
"I want to discuss it with you earlier because I don't want to regret it later. Because we both have no reason to keep being together. The baby," I paused because I feel like I am starting to break down. "she's gone,"
He wasn't looking at me. He was staring blankly at the floor but I know he was listening.
It made it harder for me to read him because he wasn't showing any emotion. Nor did he move or said anything. "I need you to speak, Zach,"
"Are you still not satisfied with how we are going right now?" he asked without looking at me.
I am. I am very happy about it. I was very satisfied that it's being hard for me to talk about this with you.
I don't know why he was doing this to me. He's making me think that he doesn't want it too. That he wants to continue just like me. "Let's end it,"
"Are you sure you have thought about it thoroughly?" he asked me. "This decision is way too sudden,"
"I have made a decision,"
"I didn't. And I'm not going to," he said and stood up from the bed. "If I were to decide, I'd just stay with you," he said and tried to walk out of the room.
"Why are you doing this?" I asked him while crying. This conversation is too short to be ended. We can't just let it stay like this and he'd just walk out of the room.
I was a burden. I am a problem he's going to be dealing it all his life. I am giving him the chance to change his decisions and make him start a new life because he never really wanted me in the first place. Then why is he acting like this?
I want him to tell me the truth, why can't he just say it on my face/ that he was forced to be with me. Doesn't he even feel regretful about it?
"I am giving you the chance, Zach,"
"What chance?" he asked and looked back.
"To re-do your life. Because you never really wanted me in the first place. Our reason for our marriage is gone. I want you to live like how you did before and these 5 months together all in the past,"
"What are you saying?"
"Just say that you agree with divorce!" I yelled. I couldn't help but raise my voice because until now, he was still pretending to be a good husband that he never really wanted to become.
"No, " he said and opened the door.
"I hate you!" I yelled at him before he could even walk past the doorway. he stopped midway but continued walking out. I was left in the room and felt the intense darkness when he left me and closed the door.
I cried inside the room alone and it is the first time he went out even after seeing me crying. Of course, he would. I yelled at him and I am already forcing him into a divorce. I tried my best but he didn't listen to me and kept on avoiding the questions saying 'no'.
I won't succeed at this rate.
My mind started telling me to stop and believe that he doesn't really want it. And that's because I am starting to think that he feels the same way that I do and that is why he isn't agreeing about anything.
I can't. I can't change my mind with just that. I shouldn't stop unless he agrees with me because the more that I think about it being a lie, the more I don't want to be with him anymore.
I walked up from the bed and started marching towards the door to find him and make him agree with me to file a divorce. But when I opened the door, I was surprised to see him walking his way closer.
I heard him sigh as he walk faster toward me. I made up my mind that I am going to tell him something but when I saw him walking towards me with a soft expression, I felt weak and I couldn't say a thing.
I thought he was going to come into the room so I moved away from the door to let him in so we could possibly talk but he stopped in front of me and pulled me in his arms. My eyes widened and I felt like something touched my heart. it felt so warm when he pinned his face on my neck.
"What are you doing?" I asked him and tried to push him away but he held on to both of my thighs instead and put me up from the ground.
"I just want to talk--" I stopped talking when he put me on the bed and he went and laid with me. I didn't know what to do. he suddenly acted weird on the verge of our conversation.
"Calm down first, we'll talk later, I promise,"
It was not long after that I started crying. For an unknown reason, I was moved and started crying. I regret that I couldn't suppress my feelings because he had to pull me into his arms again.
Even after what I said,
How much more can you lie to me?