My brother caressed my head while I cry on his shoulder. He kept quiet while I express all my emotions. It has always been like this since we were kids. He'd always stay quiet until I stop crying and would listen to what I am about to say. But I don't have any courage to say anything. I know that he knew why I was crying. There is no need to tell him anything so I continued crying. I kept my face on his shoulder so I don't see what was inside the casket. I wasn't prepared to look at them yet but he removed the hug and showed them to me.
I didn't want to get angry with him because he just did what he has to do. To make me see them. My knees felt weak. he held my shoulders so I don't fall. I saw my mom lying on the casket in a white dress and looked like she was just peacefully taking a nap and in the other casket was my father. I cried, even more, when I saw her.
It hurts. It hurts more than when they were criticizing my works and making me feel unloved all of my life. It hurts more seeing them in a casket with their eyes closed and I am aware that they are never going to open it again. They have tormented me all my life and seeing this scene hurts me more than I felt in those times.
I still couldn't believe that I lost them both at the same time. I have grown hatred towards both of them but I never wished for them to disappear from my life. Nor did I think about wishing them to. They are still my parents and the love I had for both of them since I was still a child is still in my heart and will never disappear.
They hurt me more by passing away than by making me feel unloved. I still want to talk to them. I still want to work on my relationship with both of them. I didn't want them to die just yet because deep down inside, I wished that someday, I could fix my relationship with both of them. They weren't the best and I never wanted them to become one. I wanted to build a relationship with them as a normal family together with my brother. I wanted us to become a normal family but it seemed like I could never do it ever again.
And the fact that the last time I talked to mom was when I was angry with her and my dad. "Mom, I'm sorry," I said and cried even more. I felt very guilty. I cannot explain the sorrow and regret that I have been feeling right now. If only I could have talked them a nice conversation then I wouldn't be regretting like this.
It wasn't my fault that I was angry that time. I was so mad because of what they did. I know I shouldn't connect it to that but the regret that we didn't have a peaceful conversation for the last time was very regretful.
All those times when they said hurtful things to me and our relationship was severed, wasn't it all my fault? Wasn't it because I became very selfish and I made my own way? Wasn't it because I disappointed both of them and I was the one to take the blame for ruining our relationship?
If only I had met all of their expectations then we could've had a proper conversation and we didn't get to part ways on these terms. "Mom, Dad, I'm sorry," I kept apologizing and apologizing until someone grabbed my hand and I looked up at him crying.
"You're not at fault. Stop apologizing," he said as he hold my hand tightly. Ali let go of my hand and let Zach hold me in his arms. The smell of the man who has always comforted me made me cry even more. It was a disaster. I cried even more. "It wasn't your fault. You are at fault for nothing. Don't take any blame. Stop apologizing," he said and continuously caressed my hair like he always does when I snuggle up to him.
A few minutes later, I was taken to a seat and was offered water. Zach never left my side even after I stopped crying. "Are you feeling better now?' He asked me after I finish a glass of water. 'Do you want to take a rest?" He asked again. I shook my head as an answer to both of his questions. We are inside the old house. Ali is nowhere to be seen and it was just me and him on a couch.
I put down the glass on the center table of our living room and laid my head on his chest. I wasn't crying. I feel like I am done crying and I cannot cry anymore. My tears just dried out and I can no longer cry for more. I went closer to him for comfort and he understands what he has to do. He sit still and welcomed me in his arms too.
"Do you want to eat anything?" he asked me as he kiss the top of my head? This is so close for the state of our relationship. It has only been a month since we were together without any feelings for each other and only married for the sake of our child. I cannot believe we have been doing things as close as this and I haven't noticed that this was supposed to be uncomfortable for me but it wasn't.
It was so good that I just want to do this all day.
But a few minutes later, Tita Leah asked me to go out and meet my parent's acquaintances and accept their condolences. I spent 2 hours roaming around the house and outside to accept people's condolences.
There was a lot. The outside of our house was full of employees and I felt like crying again when I heard what the employees were saying. My parents have been very good to them. That they can hear the employee's cries, unlike the other companies. One said that he have been working for them for 20 years because he didn't want to leave because they were the best of all the companies that he had worked in.
I have noticed that my Dad was a good businessman
A lot of people also congratulated me too when they saw my belly and all I did was smile and say thank you for their wishes for me to have a safe delivery.
A few minutes later, Zach grabbed my hand. I looked up to him because I remember leaving him in the living room earlier. "Y-yes," I said.
"Rest a little, don't exhaust yourself, you're still pregnant," he told me. I didn't get to notice the exhaustion before he told me that. I agreed and went with him up to my room. I didn't know that they were cleaning it or was it because the maids knew that I am coming?
The room was nostalgic. It's been months since I last went in. "You didn't get to eat lunch yet, I'll ask someone to get some," he said and went out of the room. He takes care of me more than everybody does. I was thankful to have him by my side during this time when I couldn't control myself from doing everything I think I have to.
Zach brought me lunch in my room and I ate it. He ate with me and finished much faster. I don't know if it was just because I eat much slower. While I was eating at the table and he was finished, he stared at me and I couldn't even tell him that he was just staring at me too much because I didn't feel like too.
A few moments later, he held my head and ran his palm down the ends of my hair. I felt a strange feeling coming from my stomach when he did that and I stopped eating. I looked back at him and noticed the worry and concern in his eyes. "Thank you," was all I could say. He already knew what I meant he smiled and caressed my head more.
Thank you for being by my side. Thank you for comforting me. Thank you for taking care of me all this time. Thank you for putting me up first. Thank you for being my husband.
I just couldn't say all those words to him but I hope he feels how thankful I am to him.
He forced me to take a rest after eating and I had no choice but to do so. I took a nap and woke up without him in my room. I immediately went to check where he was. While on my way to find him, I stopped to touch and see my parent's caskets and hold them for a while looking intently at both of them.
I continued searching for Zach and while I was on my way out, I saw Aira, Tita Amelia, and Tito Anthony coming inside. Aira immediately went and hug me. "Are you okay?" she asked me right away.
"Yeah," I answered and let go of the hug.
"Sincere condolences, to you, your brother, and your family, Xhyrah," Tito Anthony said and I saw a guy holding a huge flower stand with white roses bring the stand inside the house and put them along with the others.
"Thank you, Tito," I thanked him. I saw Tita Approach and hug me. She kissed my cheek.
"I think you should call us Mom and Dad too," she told me. "Condolences, dear," she said.
I felt a bit of awkwardness when she said that. I almost just realized that they were my in-laws because I and their son were married. And I don't think I can adjust from Tito and Tita to Mom and Dad real quick.
"Where's Zach?" Tito Anthony asked me.
"I don't know, I was also looking for him," I said.
"He left you? Oh my God, that--"
"No, I just woke up. Maybe he got bored waiting for me to wake up and went out," I said to stop Aira.
"I escorted them to my Parents' caskets and stayed with them for a while and tip-toed to look for Zach but I couldn't see him in the crowd.
I walked with Aira and his parents into the living room to make them sit in a much more comfortable place than those chairs in front of the caskets which are way too occupied by people.
There, I saw Zach sitting on the sofa in front of Ali and they seem to be talking about something serious. I went and approached them together with Zach's finally and the mood between them lightened up a bit. "Hey," he called me when I approached him and pulled my waist, and made me sit beside him. Aira and his parents sat on the sofa too, choosing different places. "Tita, Tito, this is my brother Alester," I introduced Ali to them who immediately stood up and took both of their hands.
They talked a bit and asked about Ali while I sit there and watch as they get to know each other. I felt Zach's hand crawl on my knees and he started touching it unconsciously while he listens to them. I ignored it and continued listening.
A few minutes later, Zach's phone rang up. He looked at me and gave me a look that he'd excuse himself. I nodded and he left quietly and came back a few moments after. "I need to tell you something," he whispered to me.
We left the living room quietly so that we don't disturb them talking and went back to my room. "I have to leave, I have a meeting at 8 pm and it's urgent," he said when we went in. I looked at him and he looks like he was feeling bad about leaving.
"It's fine," I told him. He went closer and sat on the bed with me.
"I don't want to leave you here," he told me using an apologetic tone.
"I'll be fine," I told him. I know he was worried. He was the one who witnessed me crying the whole time and I know he just didn't want to be absent when I break down. But if it's about work, we can't help it. He also cannot bring me back since it's a 3 hours drive and it's my parents' funeral.
I'll be fine for sure
.