August's POV-
I crossed a line. I didn't mean to, but it just happened. I could taste her tears and I could hear her heart hammering. I heard the whines and I could feel her hands trembling.
I couldn't stop myself. I didn't want to stop myself. I wouldn't stop myself. How could I when I've wanted this so badly for so long? I had a mate. I had a Luna. A beautiful perfect one who I care about more then anyone else.
I never wanted to let her go. I never wanted to stop holding her or kissing her or just being with her. She silently cried through our kissing and it was awful. Awful because I could feel how badly she wanted me to stop and I didn't care. I still don't care that she didn't want it. I know I should, but I can't. Her scent gets stronger every day and I can feel small warm sparks every time I touch her now.
She was sleeping and I was still holding her. She had sobbed herself to sleep whenever I did finally get off of her. I know she wanted me to leave, but I couldn't with her crying like that. So I just held her while she screamed all her hatful words at me. She had tried to scratch me. Burn me. She even tried to head butt me. Anything to get me to go, but I just took it and held her tightly until she tired herself out.
I messed it up.
All these years searching and wondering what that moment was going to be like when I found my mate and I had just ruined it with all of my greediness for her. It wasn't entirely my fault though, with the blue moon almost here and being forced to keep a distance from her is becoming painful.
Physically it feels like my chest is being shredded open whenever I have to keep myself from touching her or if her scent is too far away. Whenever she's out of my sight though it makes me feel like I'm falling into this deep dark abyss with nothing to catch me.
There was nothing that I could do really to make up for what I had done. There wasn't anything I could do to make her feel better about being my mate. I thought maybe at first she'd be hesitant, but I just rushed and couldn't stop myself from kissing her.
I wanted her to feel what I feel.
'Mark her and she will.' Zeb said to me in a dull voice.
'She doesn't want to be marked. I forced enough on her as it is.' I argued back.
'Wether it's today or not it's going to happen. Either you mark her or I will.' He said back to me, but I didn't respond.
I took in her scent again and kissed her cheek as I trailed my fingers up and and down her arm lightly to help wake her up. Her eyes started to flutter open and when she saw I was still there her eyes immediately brimmed over with fresh tears.
"Sshhh don't cry. I can't stand to see you cry anymore." I said softly to her and swiped a small tear from her cheek with my thumb.
She closed her eyes and pulled back from me.
"Please get out." She said to me in a cracked voice.
"Emer.."
"GET THE FUCK OUT!" She screamed at me and suddenly her entire head of hair was on fire with green flames and I scrambled out of the bed and landed on the floor.
I got to my feet and quickly left the room and shut the door behind me, but I didn't go downstairs. I stayed sitting on the floor with my back to her door just listening to her sob.
I pushed my silver hair back and leaned my head against the door listening to her.
Every sob. Every whimper. Every sniffle.
It just brought on this wave of regret and guilt over me. My chest hurt hearing it and my stomach started to knot up. I hated myself for being the reason behind all of those tears.
'Mark her and she'll stop.'
"ENOUGH!" I screamed out loud in my Alpha voice. It was meant for Zeb, but it made Emerald's cries stop.
I ran my hands through my hair over and over, but it didn't bring the same comfort it usually does. I wanted her. I needed her so bad. Just having this door alone between us is killing me.
I felt stuck.
I didn't know what to do or what the right answer was anymore. Tip toeing around it was no longer an option and I was terrified that she'd run the first chance she gets. Not that I thought I couldn't catch her or anything. I just didn't want it to go this way.
I could hear her moving around in her room until I heard her bathroom door shut and the shower come on. I forced myself to get up and walk down the stairs and painfully put more distance between us. Before I could even get to the kitchen there was a knock at the door, so I went to answer it.
"Hello Alpha."
"What do you want Jody?"
"Is this a bad time? I can come back later." He said and took a step back from the door.
"No." I said to stop him and ran my hand through my hair.
"It's fine. The moon.. has me on edge right now sorry." I said and walked back from the door and leaving it open for him to come inside.
He did and closed the door behind him and followed me into the kitchen. I started making coffee and kept my back to Jody. I wasn't threatened by his friendship with Emerald, but when I seen him hugging her and comforting her this morning I had to stop myself from ripping his arms off.
"How is she doing?" He asked me and that shooting pain shot through my chest again.
"Not good." I said keeping it short with him.
"And how are you doing?" He asked me and this question was enough to make me turn around to look at him.
I let out a breath and just shrugged my shoulders before running my hands through my hair. One day I'm going to rub all this grey hair away and I'll just be bald.
"That bad huh?" He asked and I shot him a look.
I figured Jody was talking about Helen, but the way he acted seemed like he was talking about something else.
"Do you know?"
"Uh duh. I knew as soon as she brought you to my work." He said as if it were obvious.
"What? How? I didn't even know until after that party."
He rolled his eyes at me in a similar way that Emerald would.
"No offense, but I've known Em since we were kids and I've never seen her look at anyone the way she does you." He replied nonchalantly.
I wish what he was saying were true.
"Yeah well I doubt she'll be looking at me at all anytime soon." I grumbled more to myself.
Jody laughed and shook his head at me.
"Give her some time. She's been swearing off having a mate for as long as I can remember so I'm sure she's conflicted." He said and I couldn't explain why, but I felt a surge of jealousy run through me.
I hated that he knew Emerald better then I did and I hated even more that he knew what was going on with her emotions without even having to look at her, but I was also desperate for help at this point.
"Do you think you could talk to her?" I asked him even though it came out more as a demand then a question.
"Mmm I don't know if I should get involved." He said sounding hesitant.
"She's mad that I kissed her."
"Oooh gossip! Why didn't you just say that?" He said and hopped off the bar still he was in and started to walk up the stairs.
I didn't want him in her room alone with her, but I wanted her to stop crying more then anything else so I forced myself to stay in the kitchen and drink my coffee alone.
It was late afternoon and wether she was still upset with me or not we would have to leave soon for Helen's ceremony. I was worried about Emerald having to watch Helen's body burn. It was tradition after all and was a way to release her spirit back to the moon goddess.
I wish I could ask my aunt for advice. Instead of arguing, I should've asked questions. I sat alone at the small bar that was in the kitchen and tried to listen for just any sound at all that might come from upstairs. Ten minutes turned into twenty and then forty and when Jody had been up there for over an hour I decided that was plenty of talking.
I started going up the stairs, but I didn't get very far before I heard her door open and close. I look up to see Jody coming down the stairs to meet me. I was about to say something, but he put his finger over his lips to tell me not to and we both walked down the stairs again. Jody headed for the front door and we both stepped outside and I closed it behind me.
"What is it?" I asked him.
His spearmint smell was mixed with her smoky one making me feel angry and hurt at the same time. Jody didn't have that same humorous look in his face like he usually did and he wasn't looking me in the eye either.
"Mmm I uh.. I think I should take back what I said about you giving her some time." He said still having his eyes to the ground.
"What does that mean?"
"It means that you're just gonna have to rip it off like a bandaid before she disappears on you." He said lifting his head and looking me in the eye with a serious face.
I just muttered a thanks and when Jody left I went back up the stairs and stood in front of her door for a minute feeling nervous. Anytime I would go to knock I'd change my mind and run my hand through my hair again. She could catch the whole house on fire if I go in there.
I went to go knock again, but the door swung open and on the other side was my Emerald. Her hair wasn't as frizzy as before and she had on a black dress that stopped mid thigh and it gave a small peak of some cleavage. She had on her moon necklace, but she kept her face bare and I was glad she did.
"You look beautiful Emerald." I said immediately and tried to take her hand.
She put her hand up to stop me and kept that emotionless mask on that I hated.
"I know." She said coldly before sliding past me and going down the stairs.
I closed my eyes and took in her scent that washed over me as she passed me by. I need to touch her. I have to feel her. I want to kiss her.
I started to follow right behind her and I could tell by the way she was clenching her hands that she was very much in fact still angry with me. She went into the kitchen and I took a seat at the bar to watch her. She kept her back to me and refused to acknowledge me or even look up at me.
"I'm sorry Emerald okay? I'm so so sorry that I did that to you. I should've stopped and I'm sorry." I said pleading to her to at least speak to me.
"You're lying."
"Im n.."
"Yes you are!" She said and turned around and slammed her hand down on the counter.
"You're not sorry at all August and even if you wanted to be sorry you couldn't be, so stop trying to bullshit me okay?" She said with daggers in her eyes.
"What is it that you want me to do? You want me to just leave and go back home and act like we aren't mates? Act like I didn't find my packs Luna and just go on through life without you?" I asked raising my tone of voice.
"Yes. That's exactly what I want." She said going back to the blank face she loves to give me, but all I do is smile at her.
"You're lying."
She narrowed her eyes at me, but before she could deny it I continued.
"Stop trying to bullshit me and tell me what it is that you want." I said to her dropping my voice low like I know she likes.
She flicked her eyes away from me and I got up from my chair and walked around the counter space until I was closer to her. She just kept backing away from me until finally she had no where else to go. I put both my hands on the marble counter tops on either side of her and lean in closer.
"What do you want?" I asked her making sure to keep my voice gentle and calm.
She just kept looking down and wouldn't respond to me or look up at me. I put my fingers under her chin to make her look at me and those wild mismatched eyes found mine and I felt so calm. So at peace. Just so content with having her here with me.
"I don't know." She whispered to me and I just nodded my head showing her I understand.
"Do you trust me?"
"I used to." She said to me and I took a step back from her.
The waves of sorrow and guilt and shame crash over me one after the other. My chest stings, it's hard to breath, and it's even harder seeing the look in her eyes right now.