The sound of my six-inch Chanel stiletto echoed through the busting halls of the topmost floor of the biggest and most renowned ship building company in the whole of Asia.
My black crossover halter bodycon dress clung to my body like it's my second skin as I sauntered across the long hallway.
Pinaraan ko sa maikling buhok ang mga daliri at impressed na tinitigan ang bagong renovated na lugar. Tumigil ako sa harapan ng isang portrait at hindi napigil ang paghanga.
"Wow. I never thought I could look this good in a painting," I exclaimed when I took a closer look at it.
Before me is a magnificently made painting of myself dressed in a black gown. My hair is in a loose and I had that wicked mysterious look in my eyes while looking at the apperture. The painter perfectly captured my lost self some years ago.
Dahan-dahan akong pumihit para tingnan ang isa pang portrait na nasa kabilang bahagi ng hallway.
Kumurap ako nang makailang beses at parang natunaw ang puso ko sa nakita. Matamis ang mga ngiti sa labi na tinitigan ko ang painting ng anak.
"Aww, our cutie boy is so handsome here."
Lumapit ako sa larawan at hinaplos ang nakangiting mukha ng anak na napaka-cute sa suot nitong puting barong at nakangisi pa.
Inilibot ko ang paningin sa paligid. Wala na akong nakitang ibang palamuti pa. Ang dalawang portraits lang naming dalawa ng anak ang nasa hallway at wala ng iba pa na para bang gusto lang talaga ng kung sinumang naglagay dito na masolo naming dalawa ng anak ang atensiyon ng lahat ng magdadaan dito.
"Not that I'm complaining. We both look so great here."
Nagkibit-balikat ako saka tinalunton ang pinto sa dulo ng hallway.
"Cholo Gastrell," basa ko sa gold-plated na pangalan na nakalagay sa labas nang nakapinid na pinto. I smiled at myself and traced the letters of his name.
"Cholo Gastrell... Cholo Gastrell... Now that I think about it, your name indeed sounded like a dog's name," I said with a bit of a giggle remembering how Kristine pointed it out to me.
I turned the knob and pushed the door open. Agad na tumayo ang babaeng sekretarya nito sa mesa at binigyan ako ng pormal pero gulat na ngiti.
"Good afternoon, ma'am. Mr. Gastrell is currently inside his office po," namumutla nitong saad habang hindi nawawala ang gulat sa mukha nito na para bang nakakita ito ng multo.
"Thank you what's your name, miss?"
Hindi ito nakapagsalita. Kinailangan ko pang ulitin ang tanong para sumagot ito.
"I'm Denise Fyodor ma'am," she said trying to hide the stammering.
I gave her a friendly smile. "Long time no see, Denise. Nice name."
Tinalikuran ko na ang gulat pa rin na sekretarya ni Cholo at hindi na nag-abala pang kumatok at binuksan na ang pinto.
The first thing that greeted me is the dark earth tone design of the whole room. Malamig sa mata ang buong interior na nagpapaalala sa akin sa isang art exhibit na dinaluhan ko sa South Africa. Calm, cool, and very pleasant to the eyes. Very minimalist style.
"Denise, I already told you that I don't want anyone's appointment for today. I don't care who called you. Drop it now. Tell them I wouldn't be disturbed for today. May napakahalaga akong lakad sa araw na ito," said the dark rich voice owned by the man I haven't heard for years.
Gumalaw ang mga mata ko papunta sa lalaking nasa likod ng mesa na seryosong nakatutok sa mga papeles habang hawak sa kabilang kamay ang Parker pen.
Tinitigan ko ang dating asawa. Five years had past and still he looked as handsome and as drop-dead as I left him to be. Few lines have been added to his face but instead of making him less of an attractive man, it only made him more ravishing.
Ganoon pa rin kalakas ang dating nito na parang hahatakin ka.
It's in the power he holds, the striking confidence he exudes. He is Cholo Gastrell for a reason.
Maingat na isinara ko ang pinto at hinubad ang suot na sunglasses. I walked towards him and knocked on his wooden table.
"Are you that too busy with your schedule that you can't afford to at least have a one-minute talk with your ex-wife?"
I saw his muscles got rigid. His hand stopped moving and in a split of a second, his surprised eyes were on me checking if I was really real.
Nang magtama ang mga mata namin ay parang nabalik ako sa mga panahon at alaalang ilang taon ko ring pinilit ang sariling kalimutan. Our memories flashed before my very eyes. Everything from the beginning until our very end.
Nang makabawi ay binigyan ko ng isang kaswal na ngiti ang dating asawa.
"Hello, Cholo. It's great seeing you again after all these years. How are you?"
Hindi ito sumagot. Para lang itong nabato-balaning nakatitig lang sa akin.
I laughed at his reaction and leaned over to tap his cheek.
"Hey, you alright? Para ka namang nakakita ng multo diyan. Ako lang ito. Si Karina," I softly laughed and sat on the seat in front of his desk and crossed my legs.
"You're back," he muttered after a few seconds of just staring at me without blinking.
"Yes, I do. At wala pa ring nagbago sa Pilipinas sa nakalipas na mga taon. Traffic pa rin dito. Well, maganda naman na ang infrastructure. That's a little bit better."
Inilibot ko ang tingin sa opisina nito at hindi napigilang mapahanga sa mga naka-display na art pieces.
"Nice collection," tukoy ko sa mga miniature sculpture na nasa isang sulok.
I didn't hear any reply from him so I looked at Cholo who I caught smiling while looking at me.
"I said it's a nice collection. I think I've seen that phallic sculpture in a gallery in Australia if I'm not mistaken."
He adjusted his tie and brushed his hair aside while keeping his eyes on me. He moved his eyes repeatedly for fear that I was just a product of his imagination and I might disappear at any second. I bet he is also shocked that we're having this conversation right now.
"Yup. I got it from Adelaide. I took out a fortune just to get that one," sagot nito na parang nahimasmasan na at naniniwala na na nasa harap talaga niya ako pagkatapos ng ilang beses na pagkurap.
"Phallic figures. Hmmmm... What a nice hobby, eh?" I said trying to elicit a humor from him.
Kinagat naman nito iyon at tumawa.
"Yeah. I got into collecting stuff these years. Ikaw... What did you do during..." He didn't finish the sentence and instead asked a question. "Did you enjoy your travels?"
He removed his tie and cleared his throat after gulping the remaining half of his coffee.
I just smiled at his cute antics.
"Sobra. I think I've been into more than half of the countries in the world. It was a really good experience pero iba pa rin ang makabalik ka sa bayang sinilangan mo. Ewan ko ba. Iba pa rin kasi dito. Maybe there's something in the air here."
"Right," he concurred.
I smiled at him and he smiled back at me with subdued longing in his eyes, the kind that is overpowering it shows on his whole face but can do nothing and can act nothing about it.
"You still like black?" he said and motioned at my dress.
"Yeah and you still wear our wedding ring?" turo ko sa singsing na nasa daliri nito.
Bumaba ang tingin nito sa sariling kamay at ngumiti.
"Yeah, I still do. Malaking tulong ito lalo na kapag napapaligiran ako ng mga babaeng katawan at kagwapuhan ko lang ang habol sa akin. I just have to proudly show it to them and boom, I'm as free as a bird."
I chuckled and moved away from his gaze.
"Nice. Now, I have become a scapegoat."
He just smiled and kept on staring at me as if he still cannot believe that I'm in front of him and we're talking as if there's no years between us.
"Why are you here, Karina?"
"How are you, Cholo?"
Magkapanabay naming tanong sa isa't isa pagkalipas ng ilang sandali ng katahimikan.
"I'm good. Just good. How about you?" he briefly asked hinting that he eagerly wanted to know my answer to his previous question.
"I'm good, too. Never felt this better. As for your question, I'm here to ask you about something."
Nawala ang saya sa mukha ko at napalitan ng isang nag-aalangang ngiti. Ilang araw ko ring pinraktis ang sasabihin pero para na akong nabablangko ngayon.
"You traveled all the way here just to ask me a question? You could have just called me."
Humugot ako ng hininga.
"Hindi ko kayang sabihin sa tawag at alam mong hindi ako tumatawag sa iyo. I need to be here. I need to see you just so I could have an answer."
I paused and looked right into his eyes.
"I'm here to ask you if your promise still stands. I... I was hoping if your promise still stands."
I stopped to fill my lungs with air as he waited for me to say it.
"Are you still into me, Cholo?" I asked softly.
Parang tumigil sa pag-inog ang mundo habang hinihintay ko ang magiging sagot nito. Parang nawala ang lahat sa paligid namin. Kami na lang dalawa ang natira, tahimik, at parehong naghihintay sa mga susunod na pangyayari.
"I'm a Gastrell, Karina. I stand by my promises. The last time I didn't, the results are unforgivable and the consequences are irreconcilable. If I could have it in my way, we will not be talking now. I'd let my hands and lips do the talking," sagot nito, ang mga kamay ay mahigpit na magkasalikop sa ibabaw ng mesa habang sa mga mata ay kalungkutan ang makikita.
Napangiti ako sa sinabi nito. A blush appeared on my face.
"Then why are we still talking? We're just wasting our time. Do what you wanted with me."
"Kung hindi lang malakas ang pagpipigil ko ay baka matagal na kitang nilundag diyan," saad nito sa boses na pilit pa ring pinaglalabanan ang sinasabi ng mga mata nito.
"Then do it. No one's stopping you," I said confused about what he meant.
Ngunit umiling ito.
"No, don't tempt me, Karina. Hindi mo lang alam kung paanong ibayong pagpipigil na sa sarili ang ginagawa ko ngayon para hindi ka sunggaban. Five years... I've endured five years of not seeing and bothering you in person. I ain't gonna break the promise I made to you. I will leave you in peace. I will let you be, Karina. One touch. One touch is all it takes from you and I will be down on my knees again silently begging for you to stay. I can't do that now... now that I've seen how happy and fulfilled you are without me. Tama na sa akin ang makita ka ngayon. Okay na okay na ako dun."
Tuluyan nang nangilid ang luha sa mga mata ko. Alam kong lahat ang mga iyon, kung paano niya ako pinalaya nang walang tanong-tanong. I know he didn't let me go because he didn't love me anymore. He did it out of his own will because until now, he is still living in the guilt out of the past.
"Yes... I am happy now but I am selfish too. I know I will be happier with you, Cholo. I lied to myself when I said that it will be a goodbye. I still love you. Do you still love me? Do you still want me back? May iba na ba? Am I too late? It's okay. You can tell me. I am just taking chances here."
"No, no. You know I want you. I will always want you. Forever. I did not stop loving you," madamdamin nitong saad.
Mas lalong namasa ang mga mata ko sa mga narinig.
"Then why are you still sitting there? Why aren't you hugging and kissing me? Come on."
I held out my hand to him. "Come on."
He just looked at my hand and didn't move as if contemplating if I am really telling the truth. Parang nagtatalo pa rin ang puso at utak nito sa gagawin. Hindi ko na mapigilan ang sarili kaya ako na ang tumayo, lumigid sa upuan nito at sinapo ang mukha nito para magpang-abot ang mga labi namin. Nabigla man sa ginawa ko pero madaling umalalay ang kamay niya sa bewang ko at maingat na kinabig ako para makaupo ako sa hita nito.
The moment our lips met, I knew then that coming back is the best decision I have ever done. Tama na sa akin ang ilang taon na nagkalayo kaming dalawa. Nagawa ko na ang mga gusto ko. Nahanap ko na ang sarili ko at nakapagpatawad na ako. It's time for me to be completely happy with the only man who can make me.
I am choosing to go back.
I am choosing my happiness.
I am choosing Cholo.
I am choosing us over anything else in this world.
"The Cholo I know is not a coward. Seems like the years have not been that good to you," I teased him.
His mouth curved into a smirk before his hand went into my nape and pulled me to him.
"Sa iyo lang naman ako nagkaganito," bulong nito at tuluyan nang sinakop uli ang bibig ko.
The pent-up heat exploded. I responded as wild as his tongue in my mouth. I molded into his arms as I melt in his kisses and touch.
"Ikaw lang naman ang nakapagparamdan sa akin ng ganito, Karina. Nakakabaliw. Nakakawala ng katinuan iyong mga taon na wala ka sa piling ko. But every time I looked into your uploaded pictures where I see you smiling and living the best out of your life, nawawala lahat ng kalungkutan ko kasi nakikita kitang masaya. It's more than enough because it's heaven for me to finally see the comeback of your genuine smile which you are wearing now," he said in a little bit throaty timbre.
He traced my lips with his trembling hand, sadness is still not leaving his eyes.
"Bakit ka pa bumalik sa akin? Karina, I caused you so much pain. I don't deserve your love at all."
Kinagat ko ang mga labi nang magsimulang mamuo ang ilang taong naipon na mga luha ko. Inangat ko ang mukha at masuyong ikinulong ang mukha nito sa palad ko.
"Five years ago, you told me to promise you that I'll live my life to the fullest. That I should love, smile, go to places, take pictures. Be carefree. You told me to enjoy everything... to be free. Ginawa ko lahat iyon. I traveled the world to experience things. I laughed with people, went to places but when it's time to go home, I always feel like I don't belong anywhere else in the world but by your side. You told me that you will wait for me... but at the back of my mind, I doubt if there is really someone who can wait for such a long time."
"Is that why you asked for an annulment?"
"Yes, because I want you to be free from me, Cholo. Ayaw kitang ikulong sa walang kasiguraduhan na relasyon kasi nagpasya na ako noong una na 'wag nang bumalik pa sa iyo. Kaso, wala eh, mahal pa rin kita. Ikaw pa rin ang hinahanap ko. Last month, I dreamt of Errol. He is smiling at me and then my father and brother appeared saying they missed me. And I took it as a sign that it's time to go back home and see if the application for being your Mrs. Gastrell is still vacant. I came back because I love you, Cholo. The heart knows what it wants. Mine knows you so much. It's screaming your name over and over again."
Umaliwalas bigla ang mukha nito. Namumula ang mga mata na ikinulong niya ako sa yakap nito. Ipinikit ko ang mga mata at hinayaan ang sariling sumabay sa tahimik na pagluha ni Cholo. Gumalaw ang mga balikat nito kaya mas hinigpitan ko pa ang yakap dito.
I caressed his back and sobbed silently.
"You know I would not be able to love another woman again if it's not you. Alam mo iyan. I did not fail to remind you in every gift card I sent you on your birthday," he whispered in a broken voice.
"I know. Natatanggap kong lahat iyon. Kaya iyon ang pinanghawakan ko sa pagbabalik ko. You promise me so now you really have to keep that."
Hinawakan ko ito sa mga balikat at tumitig sa basang mukha nito.
"Prepare a space in your heart and in your life because I've come back. I've come back to you, Cholo."
He wiped my tears and kissed my head.
"Karina, that space you are asking for has been empty for years waiting for you my love to fill it again."
He cupped my face and just stared at me.
"Ah, I can't believe you're really here now. That I can get to hold you like this again. Kiss you, own you. Are you really real? Are you really here with me? Are you really sure about this? Sa akin ka na ba talaga uli?"
I felt like crying again while looking at his hopeful eyes.
"I am yours to begin with. And yo—""
He cut right into my words to kiss me again and this time I felt his pain, desperation, and love. I tasted his warm tears while his cold shaking hands are both on my cheeks.
"God, I miss you so much, Karina. I miss you so much, wife."
Hinaplos niya ang pisngi ko at hinayaan na pumatak ang mga luha nito.
"I love you so much, Karina. I love you with all of me, wife. Thank you so much for coming back and for giving me another chance. From now on, let me show you the kind of love and devotion that you deserve. Thank you, Karina. Thank you so much."
I nodded and hugged him feeling for the first time the peace and contentment that I have always longed for.
We stayed like that for some time, just hugging, kissing, feeling each other's presence, telling stories, trying to bridge the gap of distance and time.
"I'm planning to visit Errol today," he said while brushing my hair with his fingers.
Tiningala ko ito at nginitian. He responded by kissing my lips.
"Sabay na tayo."
He nodded and smiled at me.
"Let's go home?" he asked after he stood up and offered his hand to me.
I stared at his hand and remembered the last time he did the same to me. Tumayo ako at inabot ang kamay nito. Mahigpit nito iyong hinawakan at pinisil.
"Yes, I'd love to go home, now."
Together, we walked out of his office holding hands and wearing the best smiles in our faces while hoping that this time, it will be forever.