I took a lot of air before I entered the mausoleum inside the private cemetery of the Alcantaras. My hand is full of flowers, of all sorts of chocolates, and toys for my son.
My son. My dead son.
The word brings so much pain in my heart.
Pagpasok ko ay agad na bumati sa akin ang mga nakangiting mukha ni Errol na nasa mga dambuhalang frames na nakakabit sa bawat sulok.
It felt like I'm looking at my childhood photos.
It's his picture during his baptismal, his first birthday, and when he was I think a few days old. He's so small there... so fragile and so tiny.
I stood there in the middle too overwhelmed by the feeling of love, sadness, and regret. Nanginig ang mga kamay ko at nabitawan ang mga hawak. Para ring nawalan ng lakas ang mga tuhod ko. Huminga ako nang malalim at isa-isang pinulot ang mga nasa sahig at inialay sa paanan ng altar kung saan naghihintay ang nakangiting mukha ni Errol. Umapaw na sa dami kaya inilapag ko na lang sa baba ang mga natitirang laruan at pagkain.
With trembling hands, I reached for his picture and looked closely at the spitting image of myself. Pumatak ang luha ko sa salamin ng picture frame kaya dali-dali ko itong pinunasan. Umupo ako sa sahig habang hawak pa rin ang picture nito at pinakatitigan lang ang masayang mukha ng anak.
"Your mom is right. You look so much just like me. You have my whole face except the eyes. Sa lola mo nakuha ang mga mata mo."
I touched his face and smiled.
"So handsome. Galing ng pagkagawa."
I breathed hard and looked down to conceal my crying face. Inilabas ko muna ang emosyon at nang mahimasmasan nang kaunti ay muling tiningnan ang litrato ng anak.
"Honestly, I'm embarrassed to face you, son. It's because I failed the two of you. I'm a failure. I failed to protect you and your mother. I'm sorry." Pumiyok ang boses ko. "I'm sorry son... But I'm here now. I'm here, son. Your father is here. I finally meet you Errol. I'm late but... I'm here already."
I kissed his picture and just sat there for the entire time talking to my child whom I will never see in person forever.
"You look so much like me, son. How I would love to see you in flesh, healthy and strong while your mother and I will hold you in our arms."
Ilang oras pa akong naglagi sa loob. Magtatakip-silim na nang magpaalam ako sa anak. I also put flowers on the grave of Karina's father and brother. I offered a prayer and asked for their forgiveness.
"Pasensiya na po at hindi ko naprotektahan ang anak at apo ninyo. Nagkulang po ako. Hiling ko lang na sana masaya si Karina ngayon. Wherever she is, I hoped that she took my advice."
I sighed and looked at the ring on my finger remembering my wife whom I had just let go.
I really hope you're starting to live the best time of your life, wife.
Bago tuluyang umalis ay inayos ko muna ang mga dala pati ang mga bulaklak at mga laruan na dinala kanina ng ina.
After arranging everything, I looked at the place and smiled.
I can't wait to come back here tomorrow to spend the rest of my days with my son here.
One year after
Lyon, France
I breathed the fresh air and opened my eyes to the blinding lights coming from every building in the city of Lyon. It's December 8 again which is that time of the year when the place is teeming with tourists to celebrate the Festival of Lights.
From the Fourvière hill, the Basilica of Notre-Dame de Fourvière is shining and glimmering in lights. Hindi rin naman nagpapahuli ang ibang mga establisiyemento. Nagpapabonggahan ang lahat sa kung sino ang may pinakamaganda at pinakamatingkad na pailaw.
For a moment, I thought the whole city transformed into a big ball of gigantic light that twinkles from up here.
"No wonder you loved it here. Lyon is a very beautiful place."
Tumabi sa akin si Kristine dala ang bote ng champagne at nilagyan ang napapangalahati ko ng baso.
"Thank you," I said and continued watching the lights from below.
"So, tuloy ka na bukas?" untag nito makaraan ang ilang sandali.
"Yup, my flight is already tomorrow. I'll see you again for a year."
"Kung ganoon ay advance Merry Christmas at Happy New Year na sa iyo. Babati na ako dahil alam naman nating hindi na kita mako-contact sa mga araw na iyon," biro nito.
Tumawa ako at ngumiti. "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, Kris."
Ibinalik namin ang tingin sa kagandahan ng lugar.
"What a view to end this night, right?" she said.
I sipped on my glass and agreed.
"Indeed."
Months After
Philippines
Paglabas ko pa lang sa sasakyan kasama si Atty. Gualvez ay agad na nagkislapan ang mga camera. Nagsitakbuhan sa aking direksiyon ang mga mamamahayag na sinusubukang makakuha ng testamento mula sa akin. Hinarang naman sila ng mga bodyguards ko.
"Mr. Gastrell, ano po ang masasabi niyo na sa wakas ay umuusad na ang kaso na isinampa ninyo laban Kay Elizabeth at Ymir Asturia?" tanong ng isa.
"Sir, tuluyan na po ba ninyong pinuputol ang relasyon niyo sa mga Asturia?"
"Sir, may balita na po ba kayo sa asawa ninyo na si Karina Gastrell?"
Napahinto ako sa paglalakad nang marinig ang pangalang kailanman ay hindi nawala sa isip ko sa nakalipas na isa at kalahating taon.
I took off my aviator and faced the reporter.
"I would be the gladdest if you stop treating this case as your ground to drag my family's name back to your night shows and news tidbits. Now, if you'll excuse us, we still have a court hearing to attend to."
Hinawi ng mga bodyguards ang mga tao para magkaroon kami ng daanan papasok sa Regional Trial Court.
Christmas Eve
Masayang binuksan ko ang mga nakakalat na regalo sa musuleyo at isa-isang inilagay ito sa harapan ng picture frame ng anak.
"Look, son. I bought you another set of Star Wars and Marvel figures collectibles. It's different from the other one that I bought you the other month. This is more special since I got this from a collector in Europe. Saan naman kaya natin ito ilalagay rito?"
Nagpalinga-linga ako sa loob at napailing na lang nang malamang umaapaw na sa dami ang mga eskaparate na lalagyan ng lahat ng mga laruan na regalo ko sa anak.
I smiled at myself and looked at the frame.
"Naku, hindi ko namalayang puno na pala. I need to have another cabinets here."
Itinuloy ko na ang pagbubukas pa sa ibang mga regalo at maayos itong isinalansan sa gilid.
"Merry Christmas, son." I kissed his frame and put it back.
Nang matapos na sa pag-aayos ay sumandal ako sa malamig na dingding at nakangiting tiningnan ang mga preskong bulaklak na may pangalan ng asawa.
Itinaas ko ang kopita rito.
"Merry Christmas, wife. Don't worry. Your family and our son are not alone here. I'm with them. May you have the merriest Christmas, Karina," bulong ko sa hangin.
Dubai
I put down the book on the empty lounge chair beside me and stared at the stars in the night sky. I am just casually cruising in the yacht and enjoying my last night in this place before I go to my next itinerary tomorrow.
The cold wind in Dubai Marina is just soothing to my body. The skyscrapers, the waves, and the loneliness... they brought me a new sense of fulfilment.
Humiga ako at hinubad ang kwintas sa leeg. I held it up high and shook it slowly. The clanking of the two rings and the pendant created a nice sound that resonated with my soul.
It's more than two years since I left the Philippines to go back to my therapist. Everything is going smooth so I decided that it's time to embark to another journey. Gusto kong libutin ang mundo. I wanted to try new things. For once, I wanted to be free like a bird in the sky.
Baka sakaling mahanap ko rin ang kapatawaran na hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin kayang ibigay sa sarili at sa mga taong nanakit sa akin.
Tumunog ang alarm sa cellphone ko kaya ibinalik ko na sa pagkakasuot ang kwintas. I picked the phone and watched as the countdown starts.
Pagkalipas ng isang minuto ay nagpalit na ang petsa hudyat na may panibago na namang araw akong kakaharapin.
February 18.
Sa loob ng dalawang taon ay hinahayaan ko ang sariling alalahanin ang isang tao na iniwan ko sa Pilipinas. For the past years, I only let myself be carried away by my feelings for just a couple of minutes on this day only.
"Happy birthday, Cholo. I wish you more years to come," I whispered in the darkness.
One year after
"Good morning, sir."
Pormal na nginitian ko ang secretary bago ibinalik ang pagbati.
"Good morning, Denise. What's my schedule for today?"
Binuksan ko ang pinto ng opisina at naupo sa swivel chair at hinarap ang laptop. Sumunod ito sa akin dala ang Ipad at isinarado ang pinto.
"Sir, may meeting po kayo with the Farrell Constructions for the Vyajitas project at nine this morning, a luncheon appointment with Mr. Sequirda at 12 noon, and an inspection of the Mindoro branch company for the rest of the day."
"Cut off the lunch meeting for only an hour. I need two hours of free time before I fly to Mindoro."
"Got it, sir. Ano po ang sasakyan niyo?"
"Tell Marius to cancel the preparation of the plane. Makikisabay ako kay Luther."
"Got it, sir. Anything to add?"
"There's none. You can go."
I scanned the table looking for something.
"Ah Denise, where's today's newspaper?"
"Sir, nasa labas pa po. I'll get it now."
Lumabas ito at pagbalik ay dala na ang kailangan ko.
"Thank you and coffee please."
"Yes, sir."
I immediately went into the business section of the paper but not before skimming through the article about the recent development of the case on the murder of Karina's brother.
Nauna ko nang malaman kahapon na nahatulan na ng murder ang mga pumatay sa kapatid nito. As for the case of her father, malpractice lang ang ikinaso sa hospital staff.
As for my case, the Asturias are doing everything they can to prolong the decision of the case. I've faced intimidating tactics from their side which I only threw back at them.
Aaminin kong nahirapan din ako. Alam kong hindi basta-basta silang mga kalaban pero sa tulong na rin ni mama at ng ibang angkan ko ay nakikitaan namin ng mga posibilidad na makakamit din namin ang hustisya.
A knock on the door interrupted me. Sumungaw ang mukha ni Denise sa nakabukas na na pinto dala ang tasa ng kape at isang envelope.
"Excuse me, sir. There's a package for you."
She put the coffee and the envelope on my table and left.
I looked for any name or address in the envelope to have an idea from whom this is coming from. Nang walang makita ay binuksan ko na ito at inilabas ang iilang papeles na laman.
Binasa ko ang mga nakasulat at kulang na lang ay mamutla ako. My energy was drained and all I could do is just repeat the first few words on the paper in my head.
Ilang sandali lang akong nakatitig sa papel at nakatulala. I'm trying to make sense of the dawning fact... of the imminent happening of what I feared the most.
Dumating na talaga ang kinatatakutan ko.
Because on my own table lies the piece of paper that has given me my death sentence.
It's a copy of the petition of annulment of marriage from my one and only soon to be ex-wife, Karina Gastrell.