The East Palace became my second home. My first month of training faded into the second. The fourth month in the year passed in a flash. I had trained in singing and dancing, played the erhu and pipa until my fingers bled, read poetry until my eyes stung in the dying light of the candles, wrote poetry until my wrist ached from holding the ink brush, until my cheeks no longer warmed at the drawn images of naked bodies in the manual of what women ought to do in bed.
Father and I hadn't had the chance to speak. He would be summoned into the Palace by the King every dawn, while the Crown Princess awaited for my arrival an hour after. I had wondered how he managed to sneak his weapon to me under the watchful eyes of the Crown Prince's men. But I kept his dagger under my pillow; not because I was worried that there might be someone who would snatch me up in the night. There were too many hidden soldiers watching the Yan Manor for that to happen. But because I missed him.
Hatred was what fuelled me through my days. Not only were they forcing me to enter Jin Tang to marry some old man under the guise of "honour and glory" in Yin Shang, but they were preventing my father and I from meeting. Only for fear that we might plan for an escape.
I gritted my teeth. I had spent two months rationalising why me. Was it because I had the most to lose? That the great Yan clan would fall? Aside from my father and uncle, my grandmother had three daughters, but they had all married out of the Yan clan to other great clans. Was it because we couldn't stand to be traitors and cause the downfall of three other clans on top of ours?
Sick to my stomach, I found myself losing my appetite as the day for my wedding got closer. Yu Ru kept me company, but I had to admit that her enthusiasm and happiness for my marrying into the royal family made my appetite worse.
I pushed the bowl of rice away, putting my chopsticks down after my third bite of food. The Crown Princess allowed me to return back to the manor earlier today as she was feeling unwell. Grandmother was still with the Queen, and Father with the King, so I returned home alone.
"Are you full, milady? Is it not to your liking? I am sure the Palace would have much greater food when you enter the harem! You can send me to request for any food you like from the Royal Kitchen and I -" "Yu Ru!" I snapped, whacking my hand down on the table.
The girl jumped at my outburst. "Keep... Just stop talking." I let out a shuddering breath, not wanting to look at her. It wasn't her fault.
"I am not bringing you into the Palace with me." There was no better time to tell her. I wasn't going to give the Pans the chance to hold my childhood friend hostage. "Wh-what?" she stammered. She kneeled down on the floor, pressing her forehead to the floor.
"Forgive your servant, milady! Your servant - your servant wishes to serve you in the Palace -"
"You have served me well from my childhood, Yu Ru. You're turning 20 soon. It is time I release you from servitude and allow you to marry. There have been several suitors who have asked about you."
"Milady, are you - are you abandoning me?" The thickness of Yu Ru's voice made tears spring to my eyes. I looked up at the ceiling to prevent the tears from falling. Grandmother had told me last week that several third-ranked officials had been asking about my personal maid. The night the decree for my marriage to the Crown Prince was announced, I had told Grandmother that I wished that the Yan clan would adopt Yu Ru as my sister. She would have my surname and the backing of the Yan clan behind her.
"Grandmother had put out the news that you have been adopted into our family yesterday." I stood up and took her hands, helping her back onto her feet. Tears were rolling down her cheeks as she sobbed.
"You're no longer my servant, Yu Ru. You're my sister. You are sister to the Virtuous Consort of our honourable Crown Prince, not a servant. How could you enter the Palace with me?" I pressed my hands to her cheeks, wiping away her tears while suppressing my own. She had been my companion since she was five, and I was four.
Father had accepted her birth papers from a commoner woman who couldn't afford to care for her anymore. Father had pitied the woman who was grovelling at the manor's main entrance, begging for anyone to save her from starvation as she was dying from her own.
Letting out another breath, I embraced her. For the first time in life. I realised I had never ever thanked her for her presence in my life. "Thank you, Yu Ru. It's about time you get what you deserve. Being a matron in a Palace isn't something you should have for the rest of your life when you've done so much for me."
"Milady..." she whispered. I shook my head as she tried to kneel once again. "You're not going to kneel to me again - at least until I enter the Palace. The Palace will be lonely without you... But I would rather you live a good life outside than be with me. Please don't think I have abandoned you, sister."
That set off another bout of sobs, and this time, I allowed myself to cry as well. I sniffled as she wailed her thanks, torn between crying and laughing at her.
"Come. I have the scrolls of the four men who have asked to have your hand in marriage. I have told them that no woman of the Yan clan shall be married as anything less than the First Wife. As Father's adopted daughter, you are as noble as I am." I grinned as I pulled her towards my desk, glad that I could give some good news at least.
We spent the next few hours discussing about the men. She set her eye on Third Master Wei Yang of the Luo clan, who seemed quite gentlemanly and nice. "We shall ask him for tea next week, quickly before I am to marry. I want to see you at your wedding."
Yu Ru gave me a hug. "Thank you... Sister. You planned for my future, and I thought you were going to abandon me."
I did my best to keep my tears in check and we ended up talking all through the night.
***
Father stood before me, and my lips parted in surprise. His armour was on, and his sword was by his side. Just like that night on my birthday, so many days ago. "F-Father!" I gasped and threw myself at him. He hugged me back, and I thanked the Heavens that this wasn't a dream.
There was only three weeks to my wedding. The fact that I was preparing for Yu Ru's wedding to the Luo clan must have finally appeased the Pans' worry that we would make a run for it. Like what I had concluded, Father and I had nowhere to run.
"Yan Qing, my daughter," he sighed, hugging me tight. He had begun to grow white hair - something that I didn't think would happen until a few years later. Father and Mother were 20 when they had me, so it was supposed to still be a few years before he would have white hair. His worry must have been colossal for his hair to have changed so much.
His eyes crinkled as he smiled sadly down at me. He must have realised the pain in my gaze. "I missed you, Father." He guided me to my table, having appeared at my door just moments before I was about to go to sleep.
"You did the right thing for Yu Ru, Qing'er. I am proud of you." He sat down and let out a large sigh. I poured him a cup of water from my pot, which the other maids had prepared for me. I had opened up one of the side halls for Yu Ru to sleep in before her wedding, which was to be held two days before I would be married into the Pan family. There was at least one thing I could look forward to before I left everything behind.
"I... Am glad I taught you to fight." He lowered his voice to a whisper, and I sat down and leaned in to hear him. Ever since I was kidnapped by the rebels, Father had taught me how to wield daggers and knives. I wanted to use the sword, but as a 12-year-old child, I could barely hold a sword right, let alone fight with it.
"Do you think you can make it away?" Father took my hand, looking around the room as though to see if there would be anyone listening in to our conversation.
"I... Won't, Father. There is no point." I pressed my lips into a thin line. The General looked into my eyes before nodding. "It would seem we came to the same conclusion," he said grimly.
"Then you must do your best. You cannot allow yourself to be found out by the imperial family. You will not survive -" Father choked on his words and tightened his grip on my hands. "The men of Jin Tang have gained power over this part of the world with pure ruthlessness. Yin Shang sent tribute to them every Autumn for this reason, at least until they began trying to take our land. Declaring their Empire was not enough - they are working to swallow us whole."
Father's jaw tightened as he turned away from me. "I don't know what they're thinking - sending my daughter into Jin Tang and expected you to change anything. Fighting would have been the better choice -" I stopped Father from speaking further, getting off my seat.
"Let us not talk more about this, Father. There is nothing we can do against a royal command. The best we can do is take our time we have left with each other." My lips turned upwards in an attempt to comfort him, but I knew it was insincere. "Let me wash your feet, Father."
Before he could speak, I headed out and prepared warm water in a bucket for him. I preferred having hot water at night, so some of the servants left water boiling until I went to sleep. When I returned, Father had shed his armour and was sipping water. His sword laid on the table.
I kneeled by his feet without speaking. I helped to take off his socks and washed my father's feet, wondering how many days it would be before I wouldn't have the chance of doing this again. When I was younger, I would do this for Father once every two weeks, both in a bid for filial piety, and for the fact that I had overheard that he hurt most in his feet after being in his armour so often.
"I have been given leave for ten days. To prepare for Yu Ru's wedding, and yours."
I gave him a sound of assent. I would have mentioned that that was barely enough time, but few was better than none.
When I was done washing his feet, I wiped them down and went out to pour the water away. After cleaning myself off, I returned to my father. He was ready to return to his own room. There was tension in the air, but we didn't speak. We knew that no words were enough to explain what we wanted to convey.
"Tomorrow, after we determine what should go into Yu Ru's dowry, we shall meet at our courtyard." Father put a hand on my shoulder.
"The Crown Princess has taught you how to dance. It's time I taught you more about the dagger." Squeezing my shoulder, he nodded once and left the room.
I stood up to head to my drawer, taking the dagger and sliding it out of its sleeve. The blade gleamed by candlelight, and I let out a deep breath.
If there was one thing I would bring with me, it would be this dagger. Thinking fast, I grabbed a long piece of white cloth, tying my dagger to my upper arm. The loose sleeves of my robes hid it perfectly.
Come dawn, I would train with the dagger again. But no longer to defend myself.
This time, I would aim to kill.