After leaving Lily's house, I went to the park.
I did not want to have to listen to anything Alicia or mum had to say concerning dad so I decided to spend the rest of the morning alone to gather my thoughts.
I called Lily but someone else took the call.
She sounded very calm like a middle aged woman who had her life together and had little to no reason to talk to people.
Her voice was very calming. I almost forgot the reason I called.
'Hi Kass, Lily can't talk with you right now but if you have any messages, be rest assured that I'll pass them to her.'
She spoke as though she was reading from a book, like it was a rehearsed line she had to say every time someone called Lily.
'Okay, thanks.' I dropped the call.
I knew something was wrong but I forced myself not to jump into any conclusions.
I could not imagine anything happening to Lily.
We were friends from way back and not even distance changed that because she had traveled all over the world and whenever she got back, we were as good as ever.
I felt sad all over again when I remembered she was going through all that pain alone because I was too busy getting guilt off my chest.
I knew I had to go back to see Lily as soon as I could.
After spending about an hour at the park, I went back home.
I needed to eat and sleep for a while before going with Mauve and Alicia to see Hannah.
I felt somewhat worked up whenever the thought of seeing Hannah came to me.
I felt she was not going to listen to what we had to say and I really wanted to back out but I had already told Alicia I was up for it.
Mum was still home when I got there which was very unusual.
She and Alicia looked like they were having the time of their life, laughing and talking.
Alicia barely talked to mum and now they looked like best friends.
'It's not noon yet.' Alicia blurted out when I walked through the door.
She made it seem like she did not want me there at all, like she was telling mum something she did not want me finding out.
'Yeah, Lily isn't home and her mum is quite busy.' I still hadn't told anyone about Lily's cancer.
I was not sure how to say it or if I had any reason to so I just kept silent.
'Oh. I was just telling mum about my new job with Mauve.'
I was tired of hearing about Mauve. It felt like she was everywhere and I could not escape bumping into her.
Was she planning something to pay us back with or was it genuine?
'Mauve has a company?'
I knew she did not but I just wanted clarity. I sat down on an empty couch. I wanted to get all the details I could.
'No but she knows someone who does. She put in a good word for me and I've been asked to resume as soon as possible.' She was smiling and so was mum.
Mum was relieved that she was going to be getting some sort of help now that Alicia was going to be earning a living.
'So what is your job?' I knew she did not like that I was questioning her but I did it anyway.
'I just need to put calls through to people and handle scheduling of meetings and whatnot.' She was looking at me with no expression on her face.
I did not trust Mauve nor did I trust the job offer but I said nothing about it because it was not my place to talk about such things.
'You're basically a secretary? Or maybe a P.A?' It was a fancy role, at least to me.
It sounded like it promised a big paycheck at the end of every month and slowly, I began to ignore my doubts because we needed the money.
'Yes. I spoke to the guy, he's a really nice guy and he even let me choose my start date.' She was smiling again.
I did not understand why that made her happy and I was not going to ask.
'I might be dropping my second shift soon so this is a great relief for me.' Mum was looking at Alicia with so much pride.
I was happy she finally decided to drop one of her shifts. It was taking too much from her already.
'And I will be going to see Nate soon. I want you both to accompany me. It has been a while.' Her voice was low.
She had not seen Nate for a very long time and it was very obvious she was not happy with it.
I did not want to see Nate but I could not let her down so I nodded.
My family was a very unusual one. A lot of things happened at the same time and most times, it was hard for me to keep up.
Nobody had asked about what university I applied for or if I had gotten any mails and I understood them, everyone was too occupied in their own thing so I thought up a way to keep myself happy even with everything that was going on.
I thought of Lily first but it looked almost impossible to be as close as we used to and then George came to mind.
George and I had chosen the same university and I knew finances could not stop him but the story was not the same for me.
I had to find another way of staying happy.
I was going to draw.
Every feeling, every expression, every thought, I was going to keep it at my pencil nib and I would draw everything away until I felt nothing.
Although it was temporary, it felt very fulfilling.
I wasn't going to bother about that tight feeling I had in my chest whenever I thought about Nate because I was going to draw it away into nothingness and make it an art only I could understand.