'You raped her, you asshole!' I got up. I knew yelling was unnecessary and I did not do it.
I watched my brother subtly look around then laugh. He looked at me and tried to touch me but I moved away.
'Do not make a scene Kay. Just sit back down.' He was not happy, he was scared.
He was scared of his sins being found out by the inmates. He was trembling and I wanted to know why. I wanted to use his fear against him.
'You go around making friends and then you drug and rape them? You even raped your own sister!' I was angry already.
I remembered Alicia asking Victoria how she managed the memory that came with Nate's insanity. I pitied my sister.
'Kay sit down and let's talk like adults, please.' He was scared.
The man he spoke to the last time I visited was looking at us from across the yard. I knew that was David.
I knew I had hit the bulls eye. It was my cue to make a scene.
'Why? You don't want David finding out your sins?' I whispered.
'Sit down Kassy.' Alicia said.
She did not want to be seen as the sister of a rapist so she did not want me making a scene that would associate her as such.
I sat down and sucked my teeth. Nate looked relieved.
'David is worse now. I know I did many wrongs but I don't think being punished by him is what you want for me.'
'The truth is, I invited Vikky to a party because I genuinely liked her. This was before I met Mauve.'
'I told her about my problem and she said she could help me out.' He sighed.
This issue of him raping people had started from way back. Who knew how many women he punished because he had a 'problem'.
'I know I betrayed her trust but I could not help myself. You have to understand me.' He reached out and squeezed my shoulder. I could not understand him, neither could Alicia nor Victoria nor Mauve.
'I'm sorry, I truly am. I am disgusted by myself everyday. I always remember what I did to those girls and I keep regretting it.'
'I wish I had gone to therapy sooner. I'm sorry Al. I really am, and for what it's worth…' His voice disappeared from my head.
I stopped listening to him. I did not want pity to cloud my judgement.
If he noticed a problem as crucial as that, he should have done something to help himself. No excuse could justify his actions.
'Why did you brag about it when it was not your intention to do it in the first place?' Alicia knew the right questions to ask and when to ask them.
'It's part of my problem Al.' He was looking at her.
I could not believe he was making excuses for himself. I cursed under my breath. I could not stand his lies anymore.
'What part of it excited you, Nate? The screams or their vulnerability?' I knew it was not the screaming that fueled his passion because he drugged Victoria before touching her.
The simple explanation was that he was a psycho who was roaming the streets freely.
'Kay, let's not talk about it, please.' He was looking at the floor.
He was ashamed and I was ashamed of him but I really wanted to understand what was going on in my brother's head.
I looked at the prison inmate seated beside me and I could tell he was not the brother I knew and loved.
He was a total stranger. I sucked my teeth. I was angry at myself for expecting anything good from him.
'We are going to talk about it Nate, it's why we are here. We need something to say to these women.' Alicia sounded very calm.
I knew she was screaming inside but she just did not want to drag any attention to herself.
'What women? Why are you talking to any women? I am serving my jail sentence, there is no need to talk to anyone.'
How stupid could he get?
Didn't he understand that he had done a number on innocent people?
'Nate, I don't expect you to understand but these people are fighting memories you forced down their throat everyday.'
'I wake up every morning and regret being your sister. I regret turning down mum's invitation to uncle Zayn's burial.'
'I regret coming home from school. I regret everything and I want someone to talk to. I need someone to understand me.'
'That is the cross you have given me and many others to carry which is why I won't stop until I talk to everyone you trapped in your web of madness.' Alicia said.
She coughed. I could see the tears in her eyes. Nate could see it too. She had spoken from a place of pure hurt.
'But I have apologized time and time again. What more do you want from me?' His voice was raised.
He was hiding under the banner of remorse but there was nothing remorseful about the way he spoke or acted.
'Sorry does not fix this. Do you not understand? We are damaged people that can only keep living like this because of you!' Alicia shouted.
I went to stand behind her and I held her shoulders. I knew words were about to fly all over the place and attention was certainly going to be drawn.
I did not want it neither did she so I was there to remind her to calm down and breathe.
'I am a damaged person too! You just choose to ignore the fact that I suffered too.'
'I went through a lot and I could not help myself. Every time I told you about it, all you said was therapy was best but did you forget that I was trying to be there for mum and avoid spending too much money?'
'Did you forget how much therapy costs?' He was never going to admit his wrongs. He always found a way to push it away from himself.
Now he blamed money. If he had opened up to mum about it, she certainly would have found a way around it but he said nothing because it was his guilty pleasure.