The look on Kade's face stayed with me as I drove to my parents for lunch. If I developed a relationship with Brady, Kade would find out. Would he be hurt? Mad? Brady didn't seem to think it was a good idea to say anything now and I should've asked him why. Why did I even care? Did I still hold out hope for a relationship with Kade?
"Of course you do," I said out loud as I sat at a stop light. "You are clearly delusional." Even though Kade was flirting, it didn't mean he wanted to go back down that road. I couldn't shake the feeling that if, scratch that, when he found out about Brady and I, he was going to be angry. Gah, why did I think he would be angry? Probably because I still wanted him to care about me. Great, now I was not only delusional but narcissistic as well.
By the time I pulled on to my parents' street, I was all worked up and convinced that I was the worst person on the planet. I parked my car behind Chris' on the street, taking a moment to bang my head against the steering wheel. There was a knock on my passenger window and I looked over, the side of my head still resting on the steering wheel. Jake slid into my passenger's seat.
"You alright?" he asked.
"Just trying to pound some sense into myself." Jake nodded in understanding.
"Been there, done that. Word of advice, it doesn't do anything and you end up with a splitting headache." I sighed. Leave it to my brother to bring a practical approach to my emotional dilemma.
"I'll make sure to stock up on Excedrin."
"You dating that Brady kid?" Jake was staring out my front windshield. Groaning, I sat back with my head against the headrest.
"Thinking about it."
"You ever think about getting back with Kade?" Yep.
"Nope," I said popping the 'p.
"You don't want to get back with Kade, so dating Brady shouldn't be an issue, which means there must be another reason you're sitting here playing whack-a-mole with your skull."
"Whack-a-mole? Really?"
"Rider just discovered the arcade, they have whack-a-mole, it was the first thing that popped into my head." Truthfully, it was an accurate description of how I felt my love life was going. I was finally safe to stick my head up out of my hole, only to be smacked down by my past.
"I'm just trying to figure out some things."
"Good luck with that. Might want to start with being honest about your feelings for Kade. Wasn't hard to see the way you were looking at him in church. Brady's a nice kid, but I want my sister with a guy who's as concerned with her heart as her ass." Hearing my brother talk about my ass made me snort.
"Yeah well what if I'm only looking for a guy who's concerned with my ass?"
"Then I stepped into some kind of twilight zone because the Sara I know doesn't play those games. The Sara I know might make stupid decisions, like breaking up with a guy who really loves her because she's scared she's not good enough but she's smart enough to learn from her mistakes." I sat there, stunned. In the twenty-six years I had known my brother, this was the most candid he had ever been with me. I didn't know how to respond. My brother thought more of me than I did of myself.
"I-I-I," I tried to say but nothing came out.
"Listen Sis, you're a big girl. Do what you're going to do, just don't sabotage yourself again, okay?" All I could do was nod. Jake got out of my car and then stuck his head back in. "Mom made beef stew. Come on."
As I followed my brother into the house, I realized he was right. I spent the last four years trying to overcome my self esteem issues, pushing myself out of my comfort zone, working longer hours than anyone else, not allowing myself to fail. Outwardly, I was kicking butt and taking names. Inwardly, though, I was curled up in the fetal position, exhausted and depressed. I was still that sixteen year old girl who was rejected because the guy wanted to date "the pretty sister." I was still the nineteen year old watching her crush date thin, pretty, bubbly types. I was still the twenty-one year old whose boyfriend's dad pulled her aside to ask her if she really thought that his son would marry someone like her and wouldn't it be better to end things now before she got hurt. I had sought out and surrounded myself with strong women, fighting hard to be on top, so why was I still like this?
I didn't have time to dwell on it since Rider came barreling toward me, throwing himself into my arms. Picking him up, I smothered his face in kisses while he giggled.
"Sit next to me?" he asked expectantly.
"Of course. Let's go." There was nothing like toddler love to make you feel invincible.
***
After lunch, we played some cards until Chris got tired of losing and declared us all cheaters. My mom handed all of us plastic dishes with leftover stew as we left. This was going to be my dinner since I still needed to grocery shop.
On my way home, I listened to the local country station. On Sundays they played songs from the 70s, 80s, and 90s and I sang along at the top of my lungs. It was a good release for my tension.
I put the leftovers in the fridge when I got home. Silence filled the space. This was the first time I was alone in it and I wasn't sure what to do. I walked to my sliding glass door and noticed Kade's truck was parked at the shop. I glanced over at my dining table where my phone sat. It would be so easy to reach out to him but why? He needed to live his life and I needed to live mine.
I couldn't do any work since I still didn't have my internet turned on. It was included in my rent but the property manager let me know there was a problem with some of the lines. They assured me it would be fixed tomorrow, so I decided to watch another movie. I changed into basketball shorts and a t-shirt after I put a bag of popcorn in the microwave. While I waited for it to be done, I sent a text in my group chat with Courtney and Lola.
'Brady asked me to Trivia night on Wednesday.'
'DATE NIGHT!' Lola responded.
'Yep. I think Kade saw him ask me.' Courtney sent the scream emoji. 'Exactly.'
'Hope he doesn't fire Brady.'
'LOLA!'
'I'm kidding. Kade is too Machiavellian. He'd make him suffer.'
'He's too professional. He'd probably just stop talking to both of you,' Courtney added. The thought of Kade not talking to me made my stomach hurt.
'I don't know for sure if he saw us and if he did, he doesn't know what we were talking about.'
"Are you trying to convince us or yourself?' Damn it Lola.
'Neither. Both. I don't know.'
'You're not doing anything wrong. It just feels like it because you're a good person who cares about people's feelings. Go and have fun.' I could've reached through the phone and hugged Courtney.
'Yes what she said. Let us know how it goes.'
'Will do.' The microwave beeped. I put my phone down, retrieved my popcorn and sat down to watch the romantic issues of others be solved in an hour and a half.