"Any chance you'll get back together?" I asked running my finger along the rim of my glass.
"Doubt it. He was literally all over the place. Here, Minnesota, Ohio, New York, it was just too much."
"Lo, are you ready to settle down?" She sighed and looked over at Mark, who had his back to us.
"I think so. The last couple of guys I was with I started fantasizing about coming home to them every night, doing couply things like going grocery shopping, one guy I even wondered what our kids would look like. I didn't even know I wanted kids."
"So, if Mark called you up and said, hey, I'm ready to settle down, you'd be like, yes let's do it?"
"Hell yeah. Sex with him was amazing."
"No, I didn't mean 'do it' like that. I meant-"
"I know what you meant," Lola said, cutting me off. "The answer is still the same."
"Are you willing to take that risk with another guy? Or are you holding out for him?"
"Deep down, I'm probably still holding out for him."
"Then the next time he talks to you, don't be a raging bitch. Hear him out. Have an honest conversation with him. Don't sleep with him just because the sex is good."
"Can I sleep with him because the sex is good AND he goes down on me?"
"Yes, you'd be an idiot not to." My phone buzzed again. I looked down to see a text from Kade.
"Who is it?" Lola asked, trying to peek at the screen.
"Kade."
"Hey so here's a recipe for disaster: texting the new guy you're trying to get with and the old guy you're still hung up on."
"I am not hung up on Kade."
"Then why'd you get all flustered just now?"
"This isn't flustered. This is normal. I'm just awkward."
'How does three work for ice cream on Sunday?'
'Sounds good. I'll meet you guys there.'
"So why are you texting your ex?"
"I'm supposed to go to ice cream with him and Kelsey, you know, my goddaughter."
"Is that just an excuse to spend time together without raising suspicion?" Lola motioned the cocktail waitress over. "You can drive me home right?" I nodded, so she ordered another margarita.
"There's no need for an excuse because we're not trying to spend time together. This is about Kelsey and trying to build a relationship with her."
"So if Kade was like, hey, let's get back together, you'd say no?"
"Yes." Lola didn't look convinced. "It's true."
"I'm sure it is, I just think it's also bullshit."
"Well, it's not. I'm not looking to relive the past."
"Okay but you remember how we told you he was devastated when you broke up with him, right? That wasn't just smoke we were blowing up your ass to make you feel good. He really loved you. You really hurt him." My chest tightened.
"You know it needed to happen," I defended myself.
"Because of his racist asshole dad? Did you ever tell Kade what his dad said to you? Did you ever go to him and say, "hey, your dad is running his mouth and I'm not comfortable with it?""
"It wasn't just his dad and you know it." I was getting annoyed. Lola of all people knew my struggle when I broke up with Kade.
"Oh I know. I also know that if you had said something to Kade, he would've shut that shit down."
"There was nothing to shut down. I am brown, I am a chub, where's the lie?"
"But Kade knew those things when he started dating you! He wasn't going to wake up suddenly and go, huh, she's a Latinx with a little more cushion for the pushing."
"No, but I wasn't going to stick around waiting for him to start resenting me because of it."
"Gawd, when did you get so insecure? You helped run a multimillion dollar company and now you're in charge of one. You're a badass. You always stood up for what was right when no one else would. That's what Kade cared about. He was attracted to the Sara that worked the adoption fair at the humane society and the Sara that lets the old ladies at the grocery store yak her ear off."
"Are you trying to make me feel guilty? If so, I'm going to leave your ass here."
"I think if you feel guilty, then that's your answer about wanting him back."
"Drink your margarita," I muttered. Lola shrugged.
"Just saying."
"Well stop."
"Listen, I get not wanting to get hurt. I do. But what if the same thing happens with Brady, are you going to take off again? Maybe go further? Head to Australia?"
"No, of course not."
"Then why not take that risk with Kade?"
"Are you going to take a risk with Mark?"
"If I say yes, will you give Kade another chance?" I shook my head.
"I've already moved on," I said. "I really do want to see where things go with Brady."
"If that's what makes you happy, then that's what I want for you too," Lola said, reaching across the table to give my arm a squeeze. "Just please start doing some daily affirmations or something because you need to realize how awesome you are."
***
We finished our drinks and headed to my car. As we left, Mark looked up from the pool table. He gave us a wave and Lola waved back.
"Do you think Court is done with her date?" Lola asked as we drove along.
"I feel like she would've texted us if it was over. It's almost eleven. What could they be doing? It's a first date."
"Well we know what they're not doing. She is not giving it up on the first date." Silence descended between us. "Listen, I'm sorry if I got all preachy back there."
"Don't worry about it. No one realizes better than me how lame it was to break up with Kade. It seemed like a good idea at the time but now that I have some distance, literally and figuratively, from the situation, I can definitely see how immature I was," I confessed.
"So why do you keep doubling down on it?"
"I don't know. I suppose it feels like if I admit I was wrong then I have to admit I might have ruined my chance at true love."
"You can still find true love, you're just going to have take some risks."
"I know." Too bad 'Safe and Secure' was my middle name.
"For what it's worth, going out with Brady is pretty risky and I'm proud of you."
"But you'd be more proud of me if it was Kade."
"I'd be more proud if you kept your motherfucking eyes on the road. I meant risks with your relationships, not my life."
When we got to her and Courtney's apartment, it was dark inside.
"Do you want me to hangout until she gets home?"
"Nah, I'm going to bed. You need to be well rested for tomorrow too."
"I'm going on a date, not running a marathon."
"No but at some point it could *feel* like you're running a marathon," she said, using her fingers to do air quotes when she said 'feel.'
"So wait Courtney wouldn't have sex on a first date but I would?"
"This is technically your third date, so you are cleared for take off. Or landing I suppose, if his dick is the airplane."
"How do you figure this is our third date?"
"Moving day, trivia night, oh wait I forgot about lunch, so this is technically the fourth date."
"I don't think we'll be having sex. It's an hour drive there and back. We're going to get back way too late. It will be past my bedtime."
"Have a sleepover."
"Too early for him to meet morning Sara. Best to save that for marriage, when he can't escape."
We hugged goodbye and I headed home. When I pulled into my parking lot, I noticed that one of the light at Taylor's was on and Kade's truck sat out front. I hurried upstairs and peered out between the blinds on my sliding glass door. The light went out and Kade came out to his truck.
'Working late?' I texted him. I watched him reach in his pocket for his phone and smile. He looked over to my apartment.
'Stalker.'
'Yes. It's not hard. You're literally right there, across from where I live. All I had to do was look outside and I saw you,' I teased.
'At least you're honest.'
'No Bentley tonight?'
'He's getting spoiled at Koen's. I'm on my way to get him.'
'K. Be safe.'
'Anything for you.' A flash of heat went through my belly, reminding me I was playing with fire. I quickly went into my room and plugged in my phone, vowing not to touch it for the rest of the night.