Sunday, 5th. April. 2015
For the longest time I've been laying here staring at these Taffeta woven curtains. My soul was exhausted and I couldn't think straight. Around and around, their written words whizzed. I remember.
The first day of class with Jimin and Tae. Our school project. Eating dumplings together. Watching Hoseok dance. Visiting him on Tuesdays.
Falling into Namjoon's arms while trying to reach for a CD. Sitting in the park with him as we wrote lyrics together.
Bits and pieces floated around me. I remember.
The sun broke through the curtain, and I knew it must've been morning. I'd barely slept, or had I? I didn't know. I felt like I was working through some kind of rehabilitation, weening myself off a potent drug.
But things seemed to have settled down for now. That notebook was dangerous, but I was desperate to read more. I had to pace myself. There was no telling how this might affect my head. What if something bad happened?
I'd already been through so much, pushing it frightened me. No, I'd wait until later.
For now, I washed and made myself presentable to leave the comfort and safety of my room. Something to eat would do me good. So that's what I did.
While I was sitting in the dining room, Mr Kim was on his way out. On noticing me, he stopped to ask how I was. I told him I was doing fine, which was a complete lie, but oh well. If he knew, he didn't bother pulling me up on it. Instead, he propositioned me with something he needed help with.
Curious about what he could need from me, I asked what he had in mind. Mr Kim explained he could use another personal assistant, someone who could run some errands and help lighten Koh's work load. Nothing too serious, or that would get me in any trouble.
I took a moment to think. It wasn't much to ask from me, seeing as I was basically living here rent free. Not to mention, it'd give me something to fill my spare time with. Distract me a little from these consuming and self-destructive thoughts I've been dwelling in.. Also, it might reveal a little more about who he is. Since the confrontation at the club, it'd been burning in the back of my mind.
After mulling it over, I agreed. He gave an inquiring look, but just shook his head in amusement as I smiled innocently.
He may be some hot shot criminal, but I'm not as naïve as I look. If he's hiding something, I will find out eventually. By this point, I'm convinced it's engraved in my genetics. Or maybe I was a detective or journalist in my past life.
So, after accepting, he tasked me with running a few of his suits down to the laundromat to get them dry cleaned and pressed. Once he'd left, I went to his room and found them draped over the ottoman, just where he'd mentioned they'd be.
I took one of the apartment key cards with me before leaving, so I didn't accidentally lock myself out. I searched on my phone and found the closest laundromat, which was a quick 5-minute walk.
All in all, it wasn't exactly what I'd expected. It's not like I could find anything out by just doing his laundry. Damn. Maybe I'd gotten ahead of myself.
Feeling a little dejected, I made my way back and took the clean suits with me, then retreated into my room. I sat down and started at the notebook again. Maybe I should just read one? I won't go overboard like yesterday. Just one..
I open the page where I left off last night and peer down at the cute little drawing scribbled on the paper.
( /'-')/ =͟͟͞͞🍊
What do you think? Is it cute?
There are times I feel like nothing has really changed since back then. The moonlight I used to walk you home under is the same moonlight we sleep under together now. You still look at me with those same loving, soft blue eyes. And still fit perfectly in my arms, cry and laugh just the same.
What's really changed? Even if you can't remember it, I'll tell you. We're still the same as back then.
So, let me tell you more.
It was around the time we all first met. I was waiting at this bbq shop Hobi and I used to frequent. For some reason, he'd dragged you along with him.
I clearly remember thinking you were odd. Your clear love for music stuck out to me, though. But, what really dumbfounded me was that day at bbq. Somehow, out of about 10 different menu sets, the first one you chose was the one we always ordered.
Don't ask me why that was, I still don't know. It was then that I decided I trusted you. I know, judge me if you want. I don't care. It was your love for lamb skewers that sealed the deal for me, funnily enough.
Jia, I'll be honest. Our story wasn't always a happy one. Even now, as I'm writing this, I'm worried. It's conflicting. I want to keep painful memories from you. I don't want you to have to relive them. But there are things you need to know. Deserve to know.
I hope that we can take this slow, as slow and as steady as need be. You're everything to me. I don't want to lose you, ever again.
Sincerely,
Your Yoongi ♡
____________________________________
Even though I laughed to myself over the lamb comment, I felt my eyes watering..
Yoongi was always so sweet, I barely remember him before now.. but.. he said nothing had changed so.. he must've been just as sweet back then..
I flip the page again, taking a deep breath as I read on.
Jia,
At first, I wasn't even sure if I could write to you. See, you were gone, but my regrets remained. I know I'm not always the best at telling you how I feel. But, looking back, I realised something. If I had tried to be more honest with my feelings, tried to be more open and honest with you… Maybe things would have turned out differently.
Do you remember when I kissed you on the rooftop? I know you do.. You freaked out and ran away.. I still don't know why. Maybe the timing wasn't right, or it was overwhelming.
But, the thing is, that isn't our first kiss. It's not even our second, or third. If there's one memory I want you to have, it's of our real first kiss because I'll never forget it.
Tae Hyungie, Jiminie and I stayed at your place for a movie night. I came a bit late because I had practice, but when I got there, I found the three of you huddled up on the rug together. The lights were dim, but I could tell you'd been drinking as soon as I sat down next to you.
There's this cute pout you do, but it's only when you're tipsy, by the way. It makes me wanna squish your cheeks when you do it, but that's besides the pointㅎㅎ
Even when you had your memories, I never told you this.. But I liked you, and had been thinking of ways to confess. I was more shy those days and didn't know how, so instead, I decided I wanted to kiss you.
That night we played a game of truth or dare, and I got my chance. I remember you worrying about it, telling me that if I didn't want to, I didn't have to. Ah, at that time I wanted to so badly. I still think back and wish I'd told you my feelings. Told you how beautiful I thought you were and how fast you made my heart race whenever you were near.
That night I kissed you. It was our first kiss. You're the sweetest thing I've ever tasted. It's one of the most precious memories I have. I want to give it back to you. Because, I know it's precious to you too.
Jia, no matter how many regrets I have, I'm never ever going to leave you. Stop fighting for you. Or stop trying to do everything I can to protect you. But, more importantly, I'm going to be more honest with you from now on. And I'm going to tell you what's in my heart.
Because I love you.
J.JK♡P.JA
_____________________________________
I reached up to touch my lips as I recalled our kiss.
Our first kiss.
My heart quivered as the memory flooded back to me.
The initials in his book..
I'm the biggest idiot in the whole entire world.
I closed the notebook and rested my head on the desk.
Jungkook..
______
I wish they were here. Holding me, so all my bad dreams would go away. So I could sleep.
This may just be the lowest point in my entire life. Never have I felt this alone.
But.. It wasn't just that.
They were hurting, too. I felt their pain. The notes they'd written to me.
Had I somehow gotten it all wrong?
Even after they'd tried to kidnap me, after I found out they were criminals. After remembering them kill someone…
They have a firm grip on my heart..
I don't know if I'll ever be able to let them go..
To truly believe they're the villains..
I just can't bring myself to do it.
I sit up, turn the bedside light on, and grab the notebook again.
Jia. The light of my life. Beautiful and pure. Even in my darkest hour, if I squint, I can always find you shining in the distance.
The fun times we've shared are countless. It'd be impossible for me to list them individually. But, for you, my sweetest darling, I'll try.
On our first date we ate lobster together. It was delicious. Moreover, I had feelings for you from the very beginning. You cast a spell on me from the moment I laid eyes on you out the front of Kodama. You were so flustered, it was undeniably the cutest thing I'd ever seen.
I thought to myself, I wanted to be closer to you. Just a little bit. And like that, I forced my way into your heart. Little by little. We'd talk about life over ice cream under the falling autumn leaves. Take a stroll through the night markets and laugh over Topokki together.
Even when I was being followed by stalkers, you never faltered. You'd run away with me, hand in hand. You stayed by my side through it all. I've made plenty of mistakes in my life, and despite my good looks, I'm far from flawless. You've always seen past it all. My true face. And you loved me, despite it all.
There's truly no one more precious to me than you. And I'm going to show it to you. Because no matter how much I try to write here, it'll never compare to what I can show your heart.
You're one and only,
Jinnie Poo