Monday, 20th. April. 2015
Tonight would be my first night working at Carousel officially as a hostess. The day had passed uneventfully, except for Koh popping in around the time I had lunch to drop off a dress. There was an event at the club tonight and the theme was a tad more darkly lavish than usual, so he wanted to make sure I was prepared.
I almost spit out the grape I'd just put in my mouth as he set the box on the dining table, opened the lid and pulled the dress out. It was dazzling, much more so than anything I'd ever worn. What was initially awe, quickly turned to excitement on my part. Which Koh took a degree of pride in. The small grin on his face let me know he was happy that I liked his choice.
The sun soon gave way to the night, and I left with Kai, our driver, for the club. He escorted me inside and handed over the box with my dress in it to the stylists that greeted me on arrival. After briefly bowing, Kai left me in their capable hands and they escorted me to the dressing rooms. It was just as you'd imagine from what you'd see in the movies. Vanity tables lined the walls with bubble lights and rows of clothing, an array of dresses that you just wouldn't find anywhere else.
There was a buzz of excitement in the air as girls and staff alike hurried about the spacious room to prepare and get ready for the night. I'd just sat at one of the vanity tables when Haru appeared in the reflection of the mirror behind me, wearing a light smile.
"Well, well, lovely to see you found your way back here of your own accord." He greeted, taking a step closer, so the lights illuminated his black velvet tuxedo.
"Haru," I turned to face him instead of talking to him in the mirror. The stylist didn't let my movements stop her from proceeding to pull my hair out of the ponytail I had it in and brush it.
"Yes, my darling?" His head tipped aside in question as he asked, "Is everything alright?"
"I think so." I gave a quick nod, feeling more eager now that the allure surrounded me. As though it was pulling me in.
"Wonderful. Well, once you're dressed and ready, I shall see you on the floor." With a small wink, Haru left me to be dolled up. Venus and Mia were both at the vanity tables directly behind mine and said hello to me upon noticing me.
Soon after Lilly, the sweet blonde that held 2nd place, came to bring a round of shots to congratulate me on newly joining the cast. I clinked glasses with the three of them and we chatted a little more until the stylist pulled me away for the dress fitting.
As I stepped out of the dress fitting and stared at my reflection in the mirror, I felt like I was floating. Walking in a dream. Wrapped up perfectly in an elegant illusion. This feeling is unlike anything I've ever felt.
Mia pulled me from my trance, gently locking her arm in mine with a smile before leading me out to the floor with her.
At the beginning of the night, I was seated with her at a table. We drank champagne with two men who were visiting for the first time. They shared they were co-workers, both working for a major bank. Perhaps in higher management or executive positions. They didn't say as much but, the brands of their suits were a dead giveaway that they weren't merely salarymen.
I'd been so swept up in the conversations and beverages that I had to do a double take at the figure I saw heavily locking eyes with me from his seat across the lounge. It was Tae Hyung. My mind returned to his words during our brief confrontation in the bathroom. It had slipped my mind. Perhaps I hadn't taken his threat seriously. But, as a staff member came over to excuse me from my table, I had a feeling it wasn't a coincidence.
With every step closer I took, the open buttoned white shirt and vintage grey suit he wore against his cinnamon skin came into view. I felt my insides melting under his gaze. The surrounding aura was heavier than usual, and it only increased as I reached the table side.
"Jia, there you are." Tae's voice was warm and inviting, tingle inducing, but paired with his formidable aura, it was dangerously so.
"Tae Hyung, what're you doing here?" I asked, sliding into the seat beside him, still leaving a small space to put some necessary distance between us. I felt uneasy.
"Don't tell me you already forgot, surely not." He said, almost challengingly.
"I didn't forget," I countered. He gave a depreciating sigh.
"I think you know me well enough by now. You can drop the games. I don't appreciate them," Tae hummed, but it felt intimidating.
"And what kind of games do you think I'm playing, exactly?" I asked as I poured us both a drink. He picked up the glass and gave it a swirl as he sighed.
"The kind where you pretend you don't need me, the kind when you play hard to get despite knowing how badly you want me,"
"I'm not playing games. But if you're accusing me of it, maybe I'll start to."
"Hah. You can try. It's only a matter of time, though," He lowered his voice.
"Until?" I questioned.
"You come running back to me." His narrowed dark eyes were so hypnotizing yet fierce.
"What's wrong with you?" I asked, unable to pretend like I wasn't feeling the pressure coming from him.
"Me? Why, nothing. I already told you, I don't like it when you act like this. What do you expect me to do?" He scoffed.
I kept silent, unsure of what to say. Did he have a point? What had I expected him to do? He'd made it clear how he felt about me. I felt my inside swirl as I recalled the night we'd spent together, how full of him I'd been… I couldn't lie to myself. Resisting him was nearly impossible.
I crossed my legs and readjusted slightly. He could get into my head so easily. I couldn't just throw myself at him and buckle under his pressure. There was more to his attitude. I just knew it. He said it was because of me, but there was no doubt that he was different lately. Maybe it was around the time we'd slept together. There was a shift. He seemed more wild, unhinged. As though he'd crack at any moment. I didn't know what was wrong, but I'm sure there was more going on that I wasn't aware of.
"Tae. Drink with me," I reached for the bottle to fill his glass hoping to shift the mood. All this overthinking was sure to lead to a headache, and I'd had enough of those over the past two weeks.
"Of course, anything for my sweet girl," Tae gave a sardonic grin. We clinked glasses and after downing it, he spread his legs wider as he relaxed back. Head lulled to the side as he took in the sight of me, as though he was taking in all of me, from head to toe. I tried to ignore it and poured another round.
"If the others only knew what they were missing out on right now, they'd be so jealous, they all want you so badly," Tae chuckled to himself before seductively licking at his lips, tongue lingering on the side.
"Tae.." I stopped what i was doing and looked at him.
Those words hit me hard and my cheeks flushed. Either that, or the drinks were finally catching up. His hand moved to rest on my thigh. The feeling of his hands all over me when we'd fucked flashed through my mind.
I closed my eyes for a moment to ease the spinning of my head and the urge to rub my thighs together helplessly.
Someone then approached our table and caught my attention. As I turned, I saw that the banker I had met earlier was standing before me.
"Jia, I just wanted to thank you for your company tonight before I leave," he didn't even bother to glance at Tae, who was now gripping my thigh tightly as though holding himself back. I gritted my teeth and tried to ignore the sting.
"Oh no, the pleasure's all mine. Have a lovely evening," I smiled, trying not to let it show how uncomfortable this brief exchange was for me.
With that he walked away, leaving Tae with a dangerous look in his eyes and me unsure of what to do. His silence was scaring me more than when he had his petty arguments with me. Finally, his grip released, and he tickled the red marks on my thigh that remained, soothingly.
"I'm sorry, but I have to get going," he said, not bothering to look at me. I felt my heart drop at his words. Why did I suddenly feel empty? Did I not want him to leave? I…
"It was a pleasure seeing you. I'll be back to visit you again soon. Don't look so sad baby," Tae reached into the inner pocket of his jacket that was slung over the seat and pulled out a red rose. I watched in astonishment as he laid it on the table, leaned in and placed a kiss on my forehead, and then stood.
"Tae.." I was lost for words. What kind of game was he playing?
"What is it?" He lingered, his gaze now searching my own. I forced out the only thing I could think of.
"Thankyou.. for the rose. It's beautiful," I stammered. He broke into a mischievous grin. The last look he gave me ominously imprinted in my mind before he turned and left.
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The remainder of the night became easily forgettable compared to the time I had with Tae. It was all that played through my mind as I sat in the car's backseat on my way back home.
When I arrived, I placed the rose Tae had given me on my desk and packed away the box with my dress into the wardrobe. I stripped down and headed straight to the shower. My head was still clouded by the alcohol and I had to try hard not to sway around as I tried to wash myself.
Keeping my guard up around these boys was just so taxing on my mind and body. It's like they all had this gravitational pull, and whenever I got too close, I'd be sucked into it's void. Fighting it left me exhausted.
After drying my hair, I wrapped my towel around myself and stepped back out into my room, but I quickly realised I wasn't alone.
I screamed out of sheer fright at seeing Jungkook just standing in the middle of my room. His eyes widened and with reflexes I thought weren't even humanly possible, he swiftly slapped a hand over my mouth to stifle the sound and locked me in his arms from behind.
"Shhhh. Calm down. It's just me," he hastily whispered into my ear.
"Mhmhmhm" I struggled to turn to face him until I felt my towel drop to the floor. Omg.
Upon realising what had happened, Jungkook quickly lifted me from around the waist, ripped back the blanket on my bed and threw me under it to cover me. It left me in a daze. What the hell was happening?!
"Jungkook, what the fuck are you doing here?!" I huddled the blanket closer to my chest, still trying to figure out what the frickity frack was going on.
"Sorry, Ahh. I didn't mean to scare you," Jungkook quickly tried to explain, "I was just worried about you so I wanted to come and check to see you were alright."
I barely caught his words. Had he just seen me naked? This was so embarrassing. But he carried on.
"I didn't know if Mr Kim was holding you against your will or something so, I wanted to come and see for myself to make sure."
I blinked at him in confusion. That's when the squeak of the door opening started me. Jungkook was quick to duck under the bed, out of sight.
"Jia? Are you alright?" Koh was standing with his head poking into the room from behind the door. Suddenly, his gaze dropped and a pink flush spread across his cheeks.
"Oh.. I- Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you during your private time. I just never expected you to be so vocal about it. " Koh rambled on and it hit me. He thought I was flicking the bean or something. Could this get any more embarrassing? Holy fuck.
It paralysed me with embarrassing. Unable to say a damn thing.
"You know, if you need some toys or something, just let me know and I can order some online," Koh rambled, doing his whole personal assistant thing, but this was REALLY the wrong time.
"No! No, I'm fine!" I quickly blurted out, louder than necessary. Koh stopped talking, gave a bow and excused himself from my room, shutting the door behind him.
Jungkook reappeared from under the bed wearing the biggest shit-eating grin I'd ever seen, laughing at the entire misunderstanding.
"It's not funny! This is all your fault! If you hadn't snuck in here like some crazy- " I hit him in the arm but stopped as I had a brief epiphany.
"Wait, how DID you get in?!" I blurted out. Jungkook just shrugged. "Easy, just slipped in as soon as the chance presented itself. No biggie."
I felt apprehensive, but decided to just move past it. I felt too exhausted to even begin to try to unpack this.
There was a small silence before Jungkook spoke again. "So, are you okay?"
"Yeah.. How about you.."
"Mm, alright. I miss you though." Jungkook replied, somewhat timidly. His gaze left me and averted elsewhere. Was he shy?
Suddenly he grew wide-eyed, as though seeing something shocking. I looked back, noticing the notebook was sitting on my bedside table.
"Where did you get that?" He asked, furrowing his brows, not taking his eyes off it. He hadn't known I was in possession of it..
"I had it since I escaped from you guys trying to kidnap me," I replied. Koo looked at me again.
"We weren't trying to kidnap you." He mumbled.
"Uhh, I dono. Kinda seemed like you were.."
He gave a snort. "If I wanted to kidnap you, I would've already done it."
"Yeah.. you're probably right. You snuck in here like it was nothing.." I laughed.
We both kinda smiled at each other and I asked if he wanted to stay for a little while. It felt like such a long time since I'd seen him, and a strange sense of calmness came over me with him here.
Koo nodded, so I pulled back the blanket to let him in. As soon as I did, I realised I was still completely naked and stopped in a panic.
"You're seriously so careless sometimes," Koo shook his head and laughed before turning and strolling over to my wardrobe. He was right. I didn't argue, instead I just ducked under the blanket to change into the singles and shorts he threw over to me. As I did, I heard the door lock click over and the lights in the room flickered off. When I poked my head back out from under the blanket, Koo had turned on the lamp beside the bed and was slipping under the sheets beside me.
"Wow, this mattress is so comfortable," He bounced up and down a little before peering over at me with a light smile. "If we ever get huge and I can afford to buy my own place, I'm going to put a mattress like this in every room."
"Really? That's what you want to do if you ever make it big time?" I laughed.
"Yeah, that's exactly what I'm going to do." His smile widened cutely. "That way, I can just lie down wherever I want."
"Jungkook, I worry about you sometimes." I sighed lightly, but he seemed to think nothing odd of his mattress obsession as he lay there smiling to himself.
The two of us just lay there, side by side, in silence for a little while. As we did, my mind floated to the entry he'd written in the journal to me. It's slipped my mind until now. He'd told me I was his first kiss. And that he wanted to be more truthful with me..
"Can I ask you something?" I tilted my head to look at him. Jungkook noticed and did the same.
"Mm" he mumbled.
"Those things you guys wrote in the notebook.. are they true?" I don't know why I asked that. I didn't even know how or what to ask. I wasn't even sure what I was hoping to hear.
"Why wouldn't they be? Wait.. how far have you read?" Jungkook's dark doe eyes swirled. I shifted on my side to face him.
"I was just about to read your second entry.." I said.
"Oh.. I don't know everything the others have written. But, I know there are some delicate subjects in there…" he paused for a moment, as though looking for the right words.
"If you ever need me.. Or feel worried or scared.. You can call me. I'll come straight away. Okay?"
I bit at my lip. The way he was looking at me so delicately was worrying me. What was he so worried about?
"By now, I know you're going to do what you want but, it's ok to lean on me when you need it, when you feel tired and run down. I mean it Jia." Jungkook turned on his side, as though in slow motion, he reached for a loose strand of hair that'd fallen over my shoulder to brush it back.
His eyes. I could just get lost in them. His perfectly bowed lips were on the verge of opening. I could feel the warmth of his breath.
Jungkook kissed me softly. So tenderly. I kissed him back, melting into his lips. My heart quivers. He pulls away only slightly.
"I'm sorry I ran away.. I didn't mean to hurt you. " I whispered. Our foreheads touched as he cupped my cheek.
"I know. You were confused. Probably scared.. But it's going to be okay" Jungkook softly placed another kiss to my lips before pulling my head into his chest and wrapping his arms around me. He buried his head in my hair and inhaled deeply. Our bodies pressed together as we lay there in silence. But my heart was pounding so hard in my chest I'm sure he could hear it.
I fell asleep there. The sweetness and safety Jungkook made me feel was filling a void I'd been longing to fill for so long now.
_____________________
When I woke, though, I was alone again. He must've left after I'd passed out.. I checked my phone to see it was 4am. The middle of the night. I was strangely awake, so I decided to read an entry from the notebook. The one from Jungkook.
The last time I wrote to you, I promised to be more honest with you. So, as scared as I am, it's only right that I start from the beginning.
That's what I thought, but this is harder than I thought it would be. The memory I'm about to tell you about isn't one I want you to remember, but you need to know.
You nearly drowned. We were out on one of our regular morning runs. I got a phone call, so we took a break. I still don't know what possessed you to lean over that frozen lake, but you did.
I was terrified when I turned back, and you were gone, and the ice was cracked. In that split second, it hit me you'd fallen in, so I jumped right in and pulled you out of there.
It was freezing. You were soaked, shivering. I still remember how panicked I was as I ran back to your place with you in my arms. You really scared me Jia.. But I warmed you back up and you were fine. That was.. ah. That was when I told you I had to leave for America over the break so I could train in dance and I made you promise me you wouldn't do anything risky while I was gone.
At the time, I didn't want to leave. You were mostly the reason for that. But there were other factors too.
When I went away, it wasn't just dance that I trained in. Honestly, some life-changing things happened to me. Since then I feel like I haven't been the same.
This is something I struggled to tell you, even before you lost your memories. Even now, I'm fighting with myself to tell you. But these emotions fill me up and overwhelm me, so I need to do it.
While I was overseas, I went under some intense training regimes. I took my first life. There's no coming back from that. And now there's no coming back that I've told you.
So, here I am, revealing my darkest truths to you. If it was anyone else I wouldn't care but, if it's you that looked at me like I'm a monster.. I couldn't live with myself.
Jia. This is undoubtedly one of the hardest things I've had to do in my life. But, I trust in our love. I trust in us.
Jungkook ♡