Tuesday, 7th. April. 2015
This morning I was about to do revision for exams, which were next week. However, when I checked the things that Koh had picked up I realised I'd forgotten an absolutely crucial textbook. I didn't really want to bother him again, so I decided to try to sneak into my old place and grab it myself.
It was around midday, so I was expecting the boys to be out, either at the agency or busy with their schedules. Point was, as far as I know they usually aren't home during the day so chances of me getting seen by them were slim. Despite knowing that, it did little to calm my nerves as I turned down the street that our apartments were on. It was a cloudy day, a few people were passing by. It's not like they could do anything to me in broad daylight, right? Not to mention, Mr Kim made it pretty clear that I was with him right now. I didn't know if that was enough to stop them.. Then again, I still didn't even know what their motives with me were to begin with.
Ugh. I just need to get this over and done with. I have exams and I just need to get those out of the way before I deal with any other stresses.
I was careful as I got closer, looking over to see if there was anyone outside the boys' place. The driveway was empty and there didn't seem to be any movement in the windows, so I opened my gate with caution and slipped in. I climbed the stairs and pulled out my keys to unlock my door. As soon as I got in, I let out a relieved sigh and collapsed on the couch for a moment to calm down the nerves I'd worked up.
"Jia?"
I shot up instantly as my name was called out from across the room. Hoseok sat on the edge of my bed. He'd just looked up from having his head in his hands.
"Hoseok… Oh my god. I didn't know you were here," I panicked, rushing to stand up. However, as soon as he saw my change in attitude, he beat me to it and abruptly stood.
"No! Wait, please.." He pleaded, "Please don't run again."
I couldn't move, it paralysed me. Unsure of what to do. My mouth moved up and down, but words wouldn't come out.
"Shit. Can we just talk?" He asked, taking a step closer. I stood up too.
"What.. I.. I really shouldn't be here," I glanced over at the door, but as Hoseok took another step closer, I noticed his eyes were red and puffy.
"We don't have to talk if you don't want that, promise. Please, just don't go.." Hoseok's voice cracked in desperation. My stomach tied itself into a tight knot. It hurt to see him like this. I'd never seen him cry…
"Hoseok. I can't.. if the others find out.." I hesitated. Not knowing what to do.
"You're just confused right now, I get that.. They don't have to know, I won't tell them I saw you," Our eyes met as he spoke. I felt sick, homesick. He took a step closer, but I didn't move.
"I'm just so worried about you. It's driving me crazy. Please.. Ahh, fuck. I don't even know what I'm asking of you, to be honest. Shit," Hoseok laughs, as though desperate and defeated and like he's just realised how fucked things are.
My heart hurts seeing him like this, begging, sad.. No one needs to know..
"Okay.. I'll stay for a bit.. Please don't tell anyone else you saw me. The secrets you've all been keeping from me. I'm still trying to figure out my feelings. It's not like I can just pretend like none of it happened," I said. I struggled to hold back the urge to confront him here and now about all of it. But if I did, it'd only push Hoseok further into despair. I couldn't bring myself to do it. Not with the state of his mind right now.
"Mm. Alright. I promised I wouldn't bring it up. So I won't," Hoseok gave a relieved sigh, "I'm not in a position to give you a simple explanation, anyway. I just don't want you to shut me out completely. We've all been so worried about you," I watched as he ran a hand through his hair, gaze directed at me.
"It's not like I expected answers from you or the others, anyway. I think this is something I need to do on my own." I admitted.
A small silence fell between us. Hoseok took another step closer so that he was standing in front of me. Neither of us spoke. Slowly, he reached out to me. I let him gently tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear. Then, as though sensing that I'd let my guard down, he suddenly grabbed my wrist and pulled.
"Hobi," I stammered as he led me back to the bed and sat on the edge.
"You said you'd stay for a little while. I want to hold you," He murmured, gently pulling me down into his lap. I stayed silent as he lifted my legs over his other knee and pulled me to his chest. A familiar scent filled me as I lay there against him, a warmth spreading from his body to mine from beneath me. My breathing became erratic as I tried to remain calm. Tried not to break down into tears.
"Can you stop ignoring my texts and calls..? Can we still talk sometimes? While you figure things out," Hoseok asked. I shivered. His voice was close to my ear.
"Okay.. I'll stop ignoring your texts.. I promise, please don't be sad, okay?" I whispered back.
"Alright, I won't. Don't worry baby" As I gazed up at Hoseok, his worry-filled expression finally broke into that smile I missed so much. It was faint, but it still made my heart leap with relief.
I buried my head back into his chest and he held me closely, gently rocking back and forth as though cradling someone precious to him. In the moment, I let my plethora of worries drift far, far away. His hands ran down my sides comfortingly, only lulling me further into docility.
Words didn't need to be spoken, and time seemed to be irrelevant. Until, eventually, we both seemed to come back to our senses.
Although appearing reluctant, Hoseok let me leave after I collected my textbook. I rushed back to the house, overwhelmed by my encounter. The way he looked at me with such emotion-filled eyes. The way he was shaking a little when he held me close. It was impossible to say no to him, to just leave like I'd planned on doing.
But even now, he refused to give me any kind of explanation for all the secrets. Not that I'd expected them to give one, anyway. It wouldn't hurt to keep in touch with him, would it? All he asked was that I replied to his messages and calls. I could do that, right? It wouldn't hurt?
I didn't know if he would keep our meeting a secret or not. I couldn't imagine him doing that. They are all so close. Had I been a fool to think he wouldn't?
When I got back, I tried my best to push it to the back of my mind for now. I had to try to get some revision done before next week, otherwise I could say goodbye to my scholarship and I just couldn't let that happen.
Once I got into study mode and focused, the rest of the day passed quickly. It was about 6pm when I started feeling hungry so I took a break to have dinner. When I stepped out to the lounge, Koh was there. Apparently, he was planning to order some fried chicken and offered to get extra so that we could eat together.
After we settled ourselves at the table with our fried chicken and soup, the two of us spoke for a short while. He told me about his busy day running errands and that he was exhausted. I mentioned that I'd asked Mr Kim to assign me a few more to help him out. Koh seemed surprised, wondering what exactly he had asked me to do. Then, when I mentioned being sent to drop off a bottle of liquor to a club, he stopped, chicken still in hand, and gave me a weird blank stare.
I laughed it off, pretending it wasn't a big deal. When I arrived at the club carousel, everything ran smoothly, and I dropped the bottle straight to Haru. I wasn't sure if I should mention that Haru had wanted me to work there, but I did, anyway.
At that, Koh nodded before suggesting I ask Mr Kim if I could. Koh remembered the club needing a bartender. And that the pay was decent. It wouldn't hurt to make some extra money, seeing as my situation right now was pretty unstable.
So, after the two of us finished dinner, I took his advice and headed to see if Mr Kim was in his study. I cracked open the door and there he was, sitting behind his desk, appearing to be lost in work. It wasn't until I gave a knock and stepped in that he looked up. Upon seeing me, he beckoned me in and asked what I wanted.
I took a deep breath and asked if I could work at the club he'd sent me to. Carousel. It intrigued him when I added that I heard they were short on bartenders and that I wanted to do the job. At first, he said nothing, merely looked at me with a blank gaze. Then he said okay.
I blinked, surprised at the lack of resistance. Instead, he said he'd get in touch with Haru and arrange it, then let me know when to start.
It was a short and to the point conversation. Therefore, with not much else needing to be said, I excused myself and went back to my room to get back to studying.
Another few hours passed, and I was exhausted, so I called it a night. I'd kind of made it a habit to read an entry from the notebook before bed, so I pulled it out of my bedside draw and flipped it open. What was I going to be reminded of tonight?
Hey baby girl, it's your Hope.
How's things? I hope you're feeling alright.
I can't imagine how difficult this is for you. I'll admit, it's been a struggle for me too. I see your pretty lil' face and I just wanna kiss it ahhhhh. Hahaha 😝 But, I know it'll just confuse you or probably make you run away and freak out.
I know you don't remember, but you used to work as a hostess. I didn't know that for ages, you hid it from me, which I guess makes sense. When I heard about it, I freaked out. Sorry about that😅 I upset you so much. I didn't mean to. I was just super taken back about the whole thing 🤨 But, you kno me haha. There isn't anything that could keep me away from you, not even that.
After a while, it really hit me why you did it for a job. You were soooo good at it. You've always had an innocent and sweet charm about ya 😏😉🥰 Maybe that's what got me hooked on you haha. Kidding, Ahh.
But for real, Jia. I miss you. I'm grateful I still get to spend my days with you now, but part of me might always be stuck in the past.. I've been thinking about why that is. No one knows what the future holds and that scares me. But the past is set. As fragile as it was, I still wouldn't think twice about doing it all again if it meant I could do it all again with you.
Sorry, this is becoming super long and I don't even know what my point was so I should probably wrap it up here. Don't worry though, I'll have a good think about what I want to say to you in my next entry. 😉😘 I'll always be here for ya baby girl. Hope you're doing okay 💚💛🧡