I don't remember when I came to my bed, but the sounds I heard downstairs were enough to wake me from my sleep. Someone was fighting, and I was sure one of them was my grandfather. I got out of bed and walked towards the stairs.
When I heard Cesur's voice, I listened to the voices to find out what was going on before I went downstairs.
one
"You're leaving right now. I can't afford such irresponsibility. Get him out of here," said Cesur. The way he talked to my grandfather in such a rude way got on my nerves.
"Where shall we go?" my grandfather asked.
I mean, was my grandfather seeing Cesur? Why did he feel the need to hide something like that from me? He had witnessed me calling my childhood friend for years.
Brave said, "I told you not to send him into the woods. You don't follow the rules."
When I came down the stairs, both of them had stopped talking and were looking at me. There were no tears in Cesur's clothes. His hair was intact, his face was not scratched or his eyebrows popped. While I was so sure that Cesur was dead, he was standing in front of me in one piece.
My grandfather was sitting in the chair in front of the kitchen counter, looking as if he wanted to make sure I heard what was being said. I don't know how much of what was said was heard, but I felt what I heard was stabbing my heart like a knife.
The man who raised me, with whom I shared the same house for years, had clearly deceived me.
Another man, whom I had been waiting for for years, my childhood friend, my first love, wanted me to leave.
I didn't know what to say. How hard it was for me to talk to him. I wanted to ask my grandfather if he was seeing Cesur. I should have asked Cesur to account for why we had to go. I wanted to shout that I wasn't going anywhere. I should have screamed. He should have given me the answer to how he survived among those wolves. I was so scared and cried for him that I didn't even have a tear to shed right now. I felt all my tears flowing through me.
I looked at Cesur without saying anything, believing that he was healthy. I was wondering if she'd stumble if she took a step or two.
Maybe I could eat my grandfather's head later, but I was sure that the questions I thought about Cesur would go unanswered. Because I couldn't even open my mouth and say a word.
Cesur must not have wanted to prolong this situation any longer, because he took his eyes off me and walked towards my grandfather. He placed his hand on the table and bowed a little. "Just go," he said.
Maybe if he hadn't spoken so confidently, I would have cursed him.
Was he leaving? I had to do whatever I had to do to keep her from going. So I ran after him on the stony road, ignoring my bare feet. I wasn't halfway through yet, but Brave had stopped her steps and had already turned to me.
He crossed the hall and went out onto the veranda. Without looking back, the path turned straight into the road.
I didn't stop. I didn't want to stop until I got to him. Even if there were not five but thirty-five wolves, I would pass them all and finally reach Cesur.
And so it was, when I reached her, I hugged her neck. I couldn't say I don't want you to go, but I hugged him tightly so he wouldn't go. It didn't matter where he was until now, why he didn't come for me. I just didn't want him to go again.
When she wrapped her arms around my waist, it was as if I was climbing the steps one by one to become the happiest woman on earth. I felt like I was ten steps up and approaching the top. "I don't want to go," I whispered in his ear. "I do not want you to go."
I had confessed. The thought of Cesur to go again had so gripped my soul that I was in a state of fear to confess everything.
"Go," he said.
I wanted to tear off his neck that I was holding tightly. I wanted to kill him right here and dig his own grave. "I will find you," he concluded.
My anger was already palpable. I draped my arms around his neck and untied his hands holding my waist. I wanted to get rid of the arms that he had wrapped around me, I wanted to break them even.
What good would it be if we told the world to people who don't deserve a single word? Just look at a person who reads his own way. I recommend taking a long look. He is so sure that the world revolves around him that they do not believe the truth of any word that comes out of your mouth. Sometimes you find yourself grateful for listening to you.
one
I just looked too. I looked at Cesur's face for a long time. I wasn't sure I wanted him to find me, but I was pretty sure I was getting out of here. Now it was clear to me that there was something in my life that I had to forget.
I made my way home, reversing the way I had come. I wiped my tears with the back of my hand. I didn't even need to look back, I was sure it was dust already. It didn't make sense for me to look back at a face I didn't want to see again.
When I got home, my grandfather was still sitting in the same place. I sat down on one of the stools next to it. Even though he wasn't looking at me, I could understand how sad and regretful he was.
Our bond was proof that we don't need words most of the time. We could understand some things without speaking.
My grandfather is a tall man. I always compare it to my tree in the forest. Although his hair and beard have turned white, he is the most charismatic man I have ever met in my life. He would not be crushed in front of anyone, he would not crush me.
Now that she was silent in front of a teenage boy, it wasn't the right time for me to hold her accountable. Maybe we could talk about these things later. We had a long time and a long journey ahead of us.
"I think we can go to England," I said. We needed more solutions than more problems. I put my hand on his and caressed it for a while. "Besides, you were the one who wanted me to go to college. Maybe I can continue my education."
"If you don't want to go," he would go on, but I didn't let him. The fact that he was still thinking of me cooled my anger a little bit.
"No grandpa, I want to go. I've been thinking about going to school for a long time. Here's an opportunity," I said, trying to sound hopeful.
I knew that Cesur and I could not be friends like before. It would be best for me to forget him. He had grown up like me and had other goals in life.
I said, "We can go to my aunt's. We'll stay there for a while and then we'll get ourselves a little house. Of course we'll come back here after I finish school, don't be afraid." I was sure you didn't want to leave this old house. All my childhood years and my grandfather's youth were spent in this old house. We knew we would come back here anyway, even if we didn't want to.
"Besides, Ezgi will start university this year. We will study together." I said happily.
I immediately threw it out so that he would understand that I was more willing. I wanted to disperse the gloomy atmosphere of the house by clapping my hands together. "Come on, big man. Time to pack."
I took my grandfather by the arm and lifted him from the chair. The smile on my face must have infected him as well, and his nervousness was replaced by a slight smile.
When we dispersed to our rooms, I took out the suitcases under my bed and started to pack my things. I could mess with them all night. I was planning to leave here in the first light of the morning. I would never come back here without forgetting some things, even though it was never going to come back.
I bought tickets online. I packed my things, helped my grandfather pack. After repeatedly checking that I had closed all the windows, I was finally on the porch. My grandfather was busy loading our luggage in the taxi he called. I turned the key for the last time.
I was not sorry. I was angry. The more I thought of the anger I felt for Cesur, the more angry I got. The anger I felt at myself had taken a completely different dimension. I had fooled myself so well that I still imagined Cesur as a little kid who didn't know anything.