We took a taxi. I didn't want to talk during the trip, but as always, my grandfather insisted on not leaving me alone.
"Were you seeing Cesur?" I asked. I could get answers to some of my questions from my grandfather. I didn't like it when he left me in limbo like this.
"We're going to start a new life," he said, clasping my hands in his. I nodded to confirm him.
He looked at our clasped hands and shook his head. I took a deep breath so as not to go too far on my grandfather.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I whispered. I didn't want to hurt him. I don't know how much longer I could have stayed calm as his silence broke my heart. "What are you hiding from me, grandpa?"
"Asli, my daughter" gave a short pause to her words when I took my hands in hers. "All that happened, Brave wanted it that way." he said at once.
"How can you take his words so seriously when you treat me like a child?" I said. After all, Cesur was not much older than me, but it was he who was taken seriously, not me.
My grandfather said, "Cesur kept saying that he wanted to protect you for years. That's why he wants you to leave. He said you shouldn't know that I was seeing him."
"What will the brave protect me from, grandpa? I don't see anything dangerous." I said, "And who said I needed protection. He just made up some stupid excuse." I was trying to get rid of my resentment towards Cesur, with my arms folded across my chest.
"Because of your secret," my grandfather whispered, and I pressed my hand to the wound on my arm. "I don't know what your secret is, but if the wrong people find out, it could have bad consequences."
"What's this secret thing about? If you tell me, I can protect you too. I can't let you be vulnerable and lonely."
My grandfather knew we had a secret, but he had no idea what our secret was. Brave, like me, seemed to continue to keep our secret secret and safe. But I didn't know why a small stone was so important. Apparently my grandfather did not have the answers to the questions in my mind.
"Nothing," I stammered. I couldn't tell my grandfather about our secret. I couldn't tell my grandfather about a secret I didn't know the danger of. I'm sure he wouldn't have taken me seriously if I did. How dangerous could a mischief we did in our childhood years be?
"It's no big deal, grandpa, it's our childhood secret. I think Cesur overdid it." I said to get over it. "Besides, I'm not vulnerable and alone. There's you."
"I just did it to protect you." said my grandfather in a sad voice. I knew you didn't want to upset me, and I was determined not to talk about it anymore.
For five years I've been chasing nothing. I went to a good university. We got a nice house.
Thanks to my cousin Ezgi, I was never alone. Besides being at the same university, we had fun together until the night. We have done all kinds of young girl mischief. Often we got into trouble, and we set out to travel the whole of England. We made lots of friends. Ezgi was not only my best friend, but also my best friend that I will never find again in my life.
I got a great boyfriend. He, like me, had come to England to study from Turkey. He was funny and quite handsome. He had a great contribution in making my university life enjoyable. I didn't think I was madly in love, but being with him made me forget everything. He made me laugh and most importantly he cared about me.
Of course, as in every relationship, a sad end has found us. We broke up two months before I graduated. Jealousy was starting to show. All our moments in the last six months had been spent wearing out each other and we parted thinking that it would be best to leave.
I lost my grandfather. On a wonderful April evening in my third year of university, we rushed my grandfather to the hospital with a heart attack. But he died.
It took me a long time to get over this situation. Since I couldn't give my head to anything, I extended my school for another year. Ezgi graduated a year before me and started a small job to wait for me.
I have never forgotten my grandfather, and the pain in me has not diminished a bit, but after realizing that I need to move on with my life, I made great efforts for my extended school.
And finally I graduated.
Thanks to a nice party on the evening of my graduation, I was now getting nails on my feet because of my heels. I sighed heavily as I sat on the bar stool. I had no intention of leaving here for a while. I asked the bartender for a drink and watched my friends.
It saddened me to think that I would never see them again. I had to thank them for having a good college life.
After having another light drink, I realized that it was late and started packing to go home.
James was helping me pack up as he muttered something in English, "I'll drive you home." I was a little dizzy from the drink, but my heels were suffering the most.
I nodded in agreement with James. James was our best friend with Ezgi. Most of them have been with us in our troubled times and have saved us from our troubles.
When we got to my house, I thanked James and gave him a big hug. I got out of the car after giving him a long kiss on the cheek. This would be the last time I saw him.
After climbing the stairs tiredly, I was finally able to get myself home. Without my grandfather, this house seemed very plain and quiet to me. I realized that I missed him every time I came home. After my grandfather died, it became a habit for me to spend some nights out in the morning. Or I was trying to come home as late as I could. When I got home, I just threw myself on the bed and went to sleep.
Now I had thrown myself on the bed to do the same thing when the severe pain in my arm descended like a sledgehammer. I opened my eyes as much as I could and cursed this situation. I was very tired, but this pain would make me forbidden to sleep all night.
Every severe pain in my arm kept me awake, watching the full moon all night. The painkillers I was taking were no longer effective. It had already become a ritual for me to suffer this pain every month like menstrual cramps.
I got up from the bed and walked towards the window. As always, the full moon was winking at me from the dark night.