As he was looking at me with such kind eyes, I kept on staring at him. The name he gave me was indeed a good one and the offer, it was like a gold spoon which was about to get into my mouth. It all seemed weird and fake. They didn't seem to be police officers or any kind of governmental employees, but still I couldn't trust them. I tried to save my face expression like before, outside my family I never showed my confident and cruel face because all my plans would have gotten destroyed. My face another way and my mind on the other way, I could use them while being like that. So I accepted his offer.
As soon as I accepted, he became happy and it was confusing for me, what was he after? Of course I had no use for him, but it seemed like he needed me.
We stayed there for the night and waited for sunrise. When the sun came up, we headed out. We passed streets then cities. At those times when I had gone out of home, I wasn't strong enough to protect myself but from my little experience living on the streets, I had learned some useful ways to hit. But that wasn't enough. As we were passing, an idea occupied my mind, "what if they're kidnapping me?" They were not trustworthy people but they didn't seem to be the type to kidnap someone. They didn't have that kind of aura around them, they looked more noble than any other thieves I had seen. I was staring for too long at Jeremy and I wasn't aware. He had realized my piercing stares and after some minutes he said: "What is it?"
-Nothing.
Jeremy: Why don't you try to make your sentences longer to make a conversation?
-Conversing is a pain.
Jeremy: Why do you believe so?
I looked at him with burning eyes, I had turned down his offer for a conversation but he ignored it. Dilan noticed my eyes and joined the so called conversation: "So you can look angry other than lifeless."
Jeremy: Yeah, it's quiet funny to witness them, after your long silence and nothingness.
-I'm not lifeless.
Dilan: Ha! Kid, we're not some pig-headed adults who you can fool. Your whole existence is showing how much you're tired of living.
-I'm not tired.
Jeremy: Then, what is your problem? What are you feeling most of the time?
-nothing.
Jeremy: Will stop making a fool out of me? I just told you to stop, listen to your elders for once.
-But it's true. I feel nothing.
Jeremy and Dilan were of course confused and had no idea how to keep up with my answers.
Dilan: What do you mean by nothing? Don't you ever feel happy, sad, or afraid?
-No, not even a bit.
Jeremy: But you were angry right now, don't you feel angry?
-Oh, you're right. I guess it's just anger but it's not like that I'm always feeling angry.
Jeremy: Were you always like this?
-No.
Dilan: Those times must've been good to see.
Jeremy: How did it happen? I mean, did you want to become like this, or is it a mental disorder?
-I'm saner than any other person in the world, I just didn't bother myself to feel from a certain point.
Jeremy: Why did you leave home?
-Sometimes, you feel like leaving to be yourself.
Jeremy: Did they abuse you?
-It depends on what you define abuse as.
Jeremy: Did your parents hate you?
-People who are bound by blood aren't always as loving as how society shows.
Jeremy: What did you use to study in college?
-Nursing.
Dilan: Why did you choose such way of living instead of being a nurse?
-I just had no other reason to save people.
Jeremy: We aren't in the right place to scold you on this matter, but your choice was wrong. You are young and you need to live more and maybe you can say, whether you wanna save people or you're fed up with them.
-Don't underestimate people because they are younger than you.
Dilan: But your choice was madness, being a nurse, even I think it's far more sacred than we already know, and there must have been a reason for you to become a nurse. Not anybody can become one. I don't believe in Deity, but if there's one, I think he's disappointed in how you turned him down. After all he was the reason, you got in that major.
Jeremy: Ok, Miss. Raven. On more question, are you dating someone right now?
-No, I'm not, and I don't think it's related to you.
Jeremy: You do have quiet the temper. I just wanted to know if there's anyone you're traveling to meet. Don't get the wrong idea.
-Where are we going?
Dilan: I think it's your first question.
Jeremy laughed and said: Right it down. We're gonna celebrate it every year.
I didn't know how they were feeling back then but they seemed like they were celebrating their kid's first talks. I just looked at them and waited for their response after minutes of happily celebrating my question.
Dilan: Our home.
Jeremy: And you can live there with us.
-Letting me live with you isn't for free, am I right?
Dilan: Yes.
-What do you want from me?
Dilan: We'll decide later and let you know.
As we were talking we arrived at a large building in a new place which I hadn't been before. Then we went inside. It was a luxurious building and atmosphere was somehow heavy. With the way I was, backpack on the shoulder, clothes that were creased, I was exactly the opposite of what I was seeing. I was looking around when Jeremy hold my shoulders and said: This is where we work and live.
-Are you a businessman?
Jeremy: Yes.
-I'm not cut out for business.
Jeremy: Don't worry. This isn't what I want from you.
-Then what is it?
Jeremy: Let's get to my office and then we can talk about it. Dilan, please get her some clothes.
-I don't need, I have enough on me.
Jeremy: Could you please accept kindness even for one second, kid?
-Impossible.
Jeremy: Even my own sister, never teased my like that.
-The fact that truth is bitter is not my problem, you gotta adjust your heart to the way of the world, or you'll die because of a heart attack.
Jeremy: Thanks for the advice.
-You're welcome.
Jeremy: Follow me.
Jeremy took me to his office which was on the last floor. It took us a long time to get there, or maybe I thought. I didn't know if I was enjoying or just surviving, but for some reasons I wanted to see what would happen at the end of the road that I had picked back then. I could feel Jeremy stealing glances at me and smiling. He was an idiot, definitely a big one, to trust a person he had just met.
We arrived at his office, on our way, I didn't see many people but in front of his office, lots of man in black were standing. As soon as they saw Jeremy they all greeted him as if he was some important military person.
We went inside and he forced me to wash up and change into the clothes that Dilan had bought for me. When I finished, we sat together to talk about What I had to do.
Jeremy: Before anything else, I'd like to know about any kind of talent you have.
-I don't think there's anything special to be called talent.
Jeremy: You must have something on your plate, everyone has something to call their talent, they have something to rely on and be confident about. That goes for you as well.
Dilan: What kind of hobbies did you have?
-Looking back at my past, I can only think of studying.
Dilan: What did you do at your free time?
-Studying.
Dilan: Ok, there's no hope in asking more, so tell her the job. She'll get accustomed to it later.
Jeremy: You leave no way open for us, Miss. Raven.
-Truth is….
Jeremy: Is bitter and I should make myself ready.
-No I wanted to say, truth is I had no time to develop any skills other than getting ready for college.
Jeremy: Will you stop making fun of me with that emotionless face of yours? It kind of hurts.
-I'll keep that in mind.
Jeremy: Thank you. Dilan will you give a brief summary of what we do.
Dilan: Alright boss. Raven, keep this in mind. You are here because we let you and we can take you back to your family who you despise the most and you will lose your freedom. You are one of us, if you betray us, what will happen to you is far worse than going back to your family. We don't betray each other here; war or peace we go through together. We have all the business in the country in our control. We do everything you can think of. But we aren't on the same side as the government. We trade food, clothes, drugs, science, criminals, lives. You must have get idea of who we are.
After his speech, I laughed. People may define it as a laughter caused by panic and huge amount of stress, but I know the reason behind that laughter, was not such an absurd thing, I finally found the destiny I was looking for. I didn't have to be good or keep up the act anymore. I finally found the right place, the place for letting out all the anger I had kept in my heart for so long. A place that I could be myself.