I hate my job.
Maybe a better way of saying it is that I hate my field of work. Either way, it's not at all what I want to be doing with my life. This type of thought is common for everyone, as far as I understand. I mean, no one comes home from a day at the office and says, "I can't wait to go back tomorrow." Whenever this topic gets brought up, someone will respond that perhaps you are lazy or have a poor work ethic. But I propose a different answer to this dilemma, perhaps you have the wrong job, and because of that, you can't find happiness in work or life. That if you were to find the right job, you would thrive and become a better person. One who could go into work each day looking forward to what was to come. Of course, this idea could just be the wishful thinking of someone who can't come to terms with his purpose and find happiness in it. But the realization that my life looks the way it does mocks me more than most, and each time I come back to the reason behind it, the pain of failure stings even more.
After an exhausting day at the office, I open the door to my apartment and step inside. Shaking my head, I push those thoughts aside. There is nothing I can do about them anyway. Tossing my briefcase on the couch, I walk down the hallway and open the door to my bedroom. Throwing my tie and jacket on the bed, I turn around and retreat to the living room. Taking a moment to look around the empty apartment, I start to feel lonely. Things are strewn about in random places, most of them left wherever I had used them last. One look at this room makes my lack of self-care apparent.
"Mom wouldn't like the look of this place."
Talking to myself now, am I going crazy? It's not a good sign. Then again, I've got the apartment to myself. So what does it matter if no one can hear me?
-grrrr-
Although even if no one can hear me, I would rather my stomach not growl. Walking over to the kitchen, I decide to prepare some sort of dinner. Opening the cabinets, I am unsurprised and disappointed to find nothing but coffee, cereal, and ramen. I've been out of college for almost half a year at this point, but I guess I'm still eating like a student. Maybe getting some roommates to help split the rent would lower my costs so I could buy some better food. Then again, they might end up being crazy, and I would rather avoid that scenario.
Taking the can of coffee from the shelf and setting it on the counter, I grab my coffee pot from the machine. Filling it up with water, I begin to think about what I want to eat for dinner. A pizza would be nice but ordering an entire pizza to eat by myself would probably make me feel even more lonely. Thinking about it now, I can't remember the last time I ate dinner with someone else.
-bzzzt-
As my phone starts vibrating on the counter next to me, I stop daydreaming about food and take a step back, almost dropping and breaking the coffee pot out of shock. That was close. If I had to buy another machine, I would be down to just coffee and ramen.
A phone call shouldn't surprise me this much, but I rarely get called by anyone outside of work. Ever since high school, it's more common for there to be a robocall on the other end of the line than a real person. Setting the coffee pot on the counter and picking up the phone, I look at who is calling me.
"Callie... What could she want?"
And why would she need to call me this late at night? Not that it matters, I answer the phone anyway.
"James!" Callie practically yells my name in excitement as I pull the phone away from my ear.
"How are you doing?"
She nonchalantly throws a question my way that would have easily sent me into another session of self-contemplation given the chance.
"Not too bad, I guess. Nothing changes much around here anyway. I'm still adjusting to my new job and all. Although, if I'm still trying to get used to it after two months. I'm not sure it's the right fit for me in the long run..."
"That doesn't sound like you're good at all."
Callie cuts me off mid-thought as if she can read my mind. What are you, a psychic? Stop that.
"Nonono, don't worry about me. Actually, how are you doing? School should have just started up again, and you probably have a lot to do since it's your senior year."
Hastily switching the subject, I try to move the conversation away from my problems. If I won't face them myself, then I don't really feel like talking about them to someone else.
"My classes are probably going to be the hardest yet this semester, but I have less of them compared to last year, so... I think I will be ok."
"Well, then it sounds like you won't need to rely on me as much compared to last year then."
This is great news for me. After all, I basically spent half of my senior year helping her get through classes I had already passed. Maybe I'll end up with extra time to pick up a new hobby or start going to the gym. Well, maybe not the gym. If I can't afford food, then I can't afford a gym membership. Knowing myself, I'll probably end up using the time to sleep more.
"Aha, well… about that, I actually called you to ask for some help in the first place."
Callie laughed nervously as her facade of confidence washed away as quickly as it had formed.
"Ahh..." I tried to keep my sigh of disappointment to myself, but the silence on the other end of the line tells me she heard it. "Well… what can I help you with then?"
"Um… thinking about it a little more… It's really hard to ask for help with this over the phone. Can I come over to your place to explain it better?"
She's not leaving me with much of a choice here, practically inviting herself over. But it's not like I can say no at this point anyway. Knowing her, even if I said today wouldn't work, she would just call every day until I said yes.
"Sure, I'll be ready for you in about 30 minutes."
"Thank you so much!"
"Yeah, I'll see you in a bit then."
-click-
I hang up the call before she can say anything else. I only have 30 minutes to clean up my mess of an apartment before she arrives. Looking at my phone once more, I see a missed call and voicemail notification. That's rare. I never get called much outside of work, which makes voicemails an even rarer occurrence. Clicking on the message to listen, I hear a familiar voice.
"Hey James, it's mom. I'm just calling to check in on you and make sure everything is going alright with your new job. I know that you've only been working there for a couple of months now, but it's important to make sure you still do your best. I know you would rather be continuing to med school right now, but this is why you majored in software engineering as a backup in the first place. I'm sure you can find happiness in your new job, and if not, you can always reapply to a professional school for next year. Just make sure you…"
-click-
I turn off the voicemail before she can say anything else.
"If I knew this was what I would be doing with my life, I would have never gone for a double major in the first place."
I snap the lid back on the coffee can and look at the time. There are only 25 minutes left until Callie arrives. Panicking, I start picking up the mess in my living room. Putting the strewn about items away as fast as I can and throwing everything else in a closet. I can't believe I have to go to a job I hate in the morning and then come home to a situation like this in the evening. Is there something I did to deserve this, and if so, what?
As I finish stowing the last of my things in a now overflowing closet, I retreat to the newly cleaned living room. It really is empty in here, but I guess that's to be expected living in a three-person apartment by yourself. Collapsing in a chair, I rub my eyes and realize that I must look like an absolute mess right now. I spent all my time cleaning up my apartment, but not myself.
-ring-
That must be Callie. Walking over to the door, I look through the peephole and confirm my prediction.
-ring-
"I'm right here. Give me a second.''
I open the door, and Callie immediately leans forward, peeking her head inside the apartment. As she greets me with an energetic smile, her short hair falls from behind her ears.
"Thanks for having me over again, James."
"It's really not a problem."
As I back away from the door, Callie immediately follows me into the hallway, practically inviting herself into my home. Wearing a hoodie with sports shorts and tights, it looks like she just randomly threw on whatever clothes she had left clean at home. Knowing her, that was exactly what had happened. Yet somehow, she made the look come together in a way I don't think anyone else could pull off. Walking into the living space together, Callie looked up at my face and immediately went from excited to concerned.
"Have you been sleeping well? Your eyes look dead."
"Yeah, just adjusting to my job. Don't worry about it."
I knew she would notice my face. I should have spent less time cleaning the apartment and more time cleaning myself up. Although maybe I should have just asked for more time to do both instead.
"Well, let me make you some coffee at least. Ah, The pot is already out and half ready to go!"
Sitting at the counter in silence, I watched Callie hum to herself happily as she finished making the coffee I had started over a half-hour ago. Once the machine vibrated to let us know it was done brewing, Callie grabbed a mug from one of the cabinets and filled it to the brim. Wait, how did she know where the mugs were stored? I don't think she's been in my kitchen before, so unless she guessed their location right on the first try, that's a bit concerning. I decide to let that detail slide for now. If watching her happily make me a cup of coffee is my reward for having such a rough day, then maybe it was all worth it in the end.
"Here you go."
Callie's words brought me back from spacing out. Her arms reached forward, handing me the mug.
"Ah, thanks"
Sipping on the coffee warmed me up as we made our way to the living room to discuss whatever she had come here for. I sat down in a chair, and Callie chose to sit on the couch opposing it. The way she silently watched me waiting to say what was on her mind gave a disturbing feeling that her question had more to it than simply asking for help with a class. Looking her in the eyes, I decided to get right to the heart of the issue.
"So, what's the problem you need help with again?"
"Well… it's not exactly a problem, more so asking for advice. It's nothing super urgent yet, just planning ahead for the future and all..."
As she breaks eye contact with me, Callie's voice trails off as she looks around the room nervously. I'm not sure why she would need to come over to ask for advice, so this must be something important or hard to ask for.
"What I mean to say... is that I want your advice on something, seeing as you've gone through this process yourself in the past."
Huh, I thought this wasn't about a class, but I guess I could've been wrong. Maybe she needs help with a project or major assignment coming up later in the semester.
"Well, what is it then?"
"You know how in a couple of months it will be time to start applying to med schools for next year? I was wondering if you would mind helping me work on my resume and looking into schools to apply to. Since you did this last year after all."
"I'm sorry what."
Why, of all the things she could ask me, was it this. Why, of all the people she could have asked, was it me. I failed to get into med school last year, so how could I possibly have any advice to give to someone else? That's no different than asking a team that lost how they could have won the game. In fact, it's worse since the losing team can watch a recording of the game and see what they need to do differently next time. All I got was a rejection letter in the mail. Placing my head in my hands, I start to rub my eyes again.
"You know I failed to get into med school last year, right?"
"I know." Callie responded happily, as if she didn't understand the living hell she was putting me through.
"I can't help you with that very well then, can I? Seeing as I don't even understand what I did wrong last time, or know what I'm doing with my life now anyway."
"What? You aren't making any sense. Just because you didn't get accepted last year doesn't mean the same thing will happen again this year."
Callie leaned forward in her chair, looking at me with concern. Holding back my anger, I stifled an urge to yell that she did, in fact, not grasp my current situation and couldn't understand it even if she wanted to. Of course, what I'm thinking wouldn't make sense to her. No one but me could understand where I was coming from.
"Besides, if we apply together this year, with your help, maybe we can get into the same school and be classmates together."
Callie smiled at me in an attempt to cheer me up. But just because she smiles doesn't change what was said. My anger is boiling over, and my emotions are beginning to let loose. How dare she come into my house asking for help at something I so desperately wish for myself but can't achieve.
Rising from my chair and getting ready to yell, a sudden cool breeze rushes over my body, and a shiver goes down my spine. Two hands firmly grip my shoulders and press down, forcing me to sit back in the chair. Without pause, a calm and collected voice rings out from behind me.
"Can we help you?"
I almost jump out of my chair in shock at someone sneaking up behind me. Wait, whose hands are on my shoulders? I'm being held down and can't get up. What's happening? Turning my head around to look behind me, I see an unfamiliar man on both my right and left. Each with a hand on my shoulder, holding me in place.
The one on the left looked me in the eyes with a sly grin on his face. His unkempt hair matched his rough look wearing athletic pants and a t-shirt. The other man looked past me straight at Callie as if he was pretending to ignore the fact that he was holding me down. Wearing a suit, button-up shirt, and dress pants, it looked like he could be an employee at my office. Did these people follow me home from work and sneak into my apartment?
Starting to panic, I attempt to get away from them and over to where Callie is sitting. We need to get out of here and call the police. As I began to move forward in my seat, their grip on my shoulders tightened as they held me firmly in place without letting go. Should I yell for help? Maybe Callie can get away and alert one of the neighbors to what's happening.
"Of course you can, Matt." Callie responded with a smile as her gaze shifted to the man on the right.
"Wha"
What the hell? Who are these men, and how does Callie know them? I've never seen them before in my life, and now they are holding me captive while my friend is talking to them like it's no big deal. Hell, even if I did know them, they shouldn't be in my apartment right now. So how could Callie just sit there and smile?
"Callie… do you know these men?"
"Of course I do. You've been roommates with them for well over a year" Callie looked at me as if she was offended by my question.
Roommates, what is she talking about? I've lived alone ever since I got out of college. How could I even be roommates with them if I've never seen them before in my life? This situation is making less and less sense the longer it goes on. Panicking, I start frantically shifting in my chair to break away from their grasp and escape. I don't understand what is happening, but I understand that I need to get out of here.
Struggling in my seat, the man on my right turns to me. What did Callie call him, Matt? His concerned smile throws me off as he reaches forward and places the back of his hand on my forehead.
"Are you feeling alright James? You don't look so well right now, and you seem a bit jumpy."
As I jerk my head away from his hand in reflex, the man on the left starts talking. "He looks fatigued and a little sick, probably overexerted from work."
"I noticed that when I first came here. Is he getting enough sleep? Is there anything I can do to help?" Callie nodded as she responded to his comment with a look of concern in her eyes. Clearly, the current situation was not fazing her at all.
The situation around me is becoming more bizarre by the second as these strangers start diagnosing me as sick. Meanwhile, my friend is agreeing with every word they say as if nothing is wrong. Panic setting in, I start shaking in my seat. I don't even know what to do at this point. Why is everyone acting like this is normal when it's anything but? Tearing my shoulders free, I jump out of my chair and look Callie in the eyes.
"Who are these people, and why are they in my apartment?"
"What are you saying, James?"
Callie looked at me as if I was insane, her concern turning into irritation as she shot up from her seat and looked me in the eyes.
"You can't just say that, even as a joke. Pretending not to know your roommates and getting angry at me for no reason is a terrible thing to do and completely uncalled for."
Now she's upset with me for saying I don't know these men? I take a step back and start looking for a way out of the apartment. I need to escape. I can't stay here right now.
"You need to apologize to them, James." Callie took a step forward, not willing to let me get away.
"I don't kn-"
"It's ok, Callie. He's clearly distressed, exhausted, and probably sick right now."
The one named Matt cut me off and stepped in between us. He turned to me with a saddened look in his eyes.
"It would probably be best if you lie down for a while or even head to bed for the night."
Is this some kind of joke? I'm supposed to just head to bed and sleep off the fact that there are two strangers in my apartment. What are they going to do, rob me in my sleep? If I go to bed, will I wake up tomorrow and this will have all been a dream? These guys appeared out of nowhere, so maybe they will just disappear too. If this is a joke, it's anything but a funny one.
"Come on buddy, let's get you to rest for a bit."
Matt held up his arms and started ushering me out of the living room and into the hallway. Fighting against him, I push back, but he won't budge. Maybe I am tired from work today. As I start to lose ground and get forced into my bedroom, Callie stood around the corner watching with the other man.
"Is he going to be ok?"
Callie called out to Matt. Her voice was shaking, no longer focused on hiding any concern. But if she is so worried about me, why is she just standing there and watching instead of getting help?
"I am confident that after a good night's rest, he will be feeling better than ever." Matt shouted back. His arms focused on restraining me as I fought back with all the energy I had left.
"Hey Bell, Is there anything I can do to help?"
Callie turned to the other man as her anger subsided and was completely replaced by worry.
"It would probably be best if you left for the day." The unkempt man responded with excitement in his eyes. Is he enjoying this?
"But I can-"
"I will contact his doctor if he can't remember us when he wakes up." Bell responded, cutting Callie off. "But what he needs right now is to calm down and focus on resting his body and mind."
"Thanks Bell, please take care of him for me."
Callie made eye contact with me once more. Her gaze punctured my ability to fight back any further as her concern for me made itself aware without words.
"I'll do what I can to get him healthy and happy again."
"Don't leave me here alone with them!" Calling out to her for help one last time, I watch Callie put on her shoes as she turns around, smiles, and walks out the door.
Defeated, I collapse on the floor. Matt stops pushing me towards the bedroom and retreats to the living room. My thoughts are a mess, but I'm still able to pick myself up and follow him out of the hallway. I need to know what is happening and where these people came from.
Returning to the living room, The two men are sitting on the couch watching me. I don't even know what to make of the situation. Are they waiting for me to speak? Even if they are, it doesn't change the fact that I need answers. I'm not going to stay silent out of spite.
"Who are you two? Why are you here, and what do you want?"
I start asking questions at a pace faster than they could ever hope to answer. Is it fair to them? No, but the current situation isn't fair to me either, so I don't care. Nothing about what's happening makes sense right now, and asking everything at once feels like a weight is being lifted off my chest.
"Who am I? Well, introductions are always a good place to start." The man in the suit calmly replied to my barrage of questions, ignoring all of them but the first one.
"My name is Matthew, but everyone calls me Matt. The one next to me here is-"
"Bell. My name is Bell'' The man in the t-shirt cut Matt off mid-sentence to introduce himself.
"And we already know everything about you, James. So there's no need to tell us who you are."
They know everything about me? What is he going on about? That can't be right. I've never seen either of them before in my life. And even if they do know who I am, It's impossible to truly know everything about someone.
"I've never seen either of you before. How do you know me?"
"Well... we came from you."
Smiling and speaking in a matter-of-fact tone, Matt proudly replied with the most outrageous thing I have ever heard in my life.
"Matt, the way you said that sounds like he gave birth to us" Bell sighed and put a hand on his forehead as he explained to Matt what was just implied.
"What he means to say is that we appeared here because of you, so in a way, you created us."
"Created you? How is that even possible?"
Matt looked at me with no hint of humor in his expression. "It's because of your uncertainty towards the future. You can't decide what to do with your life, so you spend every day in misery, questioning your past decisions and cursing your future options. You hate your work but can't find a good reason to quit it. Stuck between the hopes of going to med school and the reality of your current job, your view of the future is split. This inability to choose one of two paths for yourself manifested into Bell and myself, creating two very real people."
"That's insane."
Uncertainty towards the future can't manifest people, forming life from thoughts and emotions. And besides, no one but me could understand what I think about my future. At least, that's what I had thought previously. But this stranger hit the nail on the head as if he had pulled the thoughts I've been struggling with right out of my head.
"It's the truth, whether you choose to believe it or not" Looking me in the eyes, Bell confirmed everything Matt had just said.
"If you don't believe us, we can go over to the neighbors and have them tell you that we've been roommates for over a year too."
"No, I think I get it… although I don't like the idea of it one bit."
I resign to defeat. There isn't anything I can do about the situation anyway. Their interactions with Callie had proven that much to me. Everyone is convinced that Matt and Bell are my roommates, and if I say anything else, they will tell me I'm crazy.
"Now that I think about it... why are there two of you?"
"That's actually a pretty simple question to answer." Matt smiled as I came to accept his existence as real.
"We each came from split parts of your thoughts towards the future. I'm the embodiment of your feelings towards giving up on the uncertain future of attending med school and choosing to accept that your office job is the right path for you. Bell over here thinks that-"
"I think that you should stop wasting your time at a job you hate and focus that effort into achieving your goal of attending med school because that's the future you dream of having. Forcing yourself to settle for a career you don't want is a waste."
Irritated, Bell cut Matt off mid-sentence again.
Once again, they had explained my thoughts towards the future in a way only I could. Maybe they really did manifest from my thoughts and worries. The thought of that being real is worrisome in itself! Will another person appear behind me, claiming to be the embodiment of my fears towards apparitions?
"So the two of you are like a shoulder angel and devil then? Working to sway my opinion in one way or another affecting my future choices?"
"Hahaha! Don't compare us to such a simple concept." Bell wiped a tear away from his face as he laughed at me.
"Just because I was created by you doesn't mean that I have any personal stakes in what you do with your life. Don't be so full of yourself. So long as you choose a path for your future, I'll be just as fine."
"Well, you're not wrong about that." Matt cracked a smile as Bell's laughing subsided.
"Think about it this way. We are our own people with our own thoughts and lives. The only thing that connects us to you is our choices regarding the future. I can't tell you what to do with your life, and you can't tell me what to do with mine. Although I'm more than willing to let you know what I would do in your position."
"I think I understand."
As the reality of the situation sets in, my fears go away, but my frustration doesn't. These people have more or less invaded my life, and there's nothing I can do about it.
"I'm going to head to bed and sleep on this. It's still a lot to take in."
"That's understandable. After a good night's rest, I'm sure you will be feeling better than ever."
Matt waved me off as I walked back to my bedroom. That's right, not too long ago he had been trying to force me in here. I guess he got what he wanted in the end. Closing the door and climbing into bed, I began to think about everything that had happened today, and my head hurt. This is too much to take in at once. People manifesting from my worries about the future sounds insane. Not to mention I have to live with them now. Roommates huh, I guess they are just as crazy as I am.