After walking through the shopping district for a while, we found ourselves on the other end of town along a local beach. The gentle fall wind had now exchanged for a cooler ocean breeze, and as we stood to watch the setting sun glisten off the ocean, I forgot about my troubles with the future.
"How does that look to you?" Erica tugged on my sleeve and pointed to a beachside bar not too far along the shoreline.
"Yeah, it looks nice."
Walking over to the restaurant, a waitress directed us to seats overlooking the ocean. We would end up heading home in the dark, but nothing beats outdoor seating at this time of day. Music is playing lightly in the background, and as I look around at other customers, I start to feel severely underdressed. Turning to whisper to Erica, I point at my wrinkled shirt, beat up from a full day at the office.
"I'm not sure I make the dress code here."
"It's located on the beach, and these tables have worn down umbrellas next to them. I'm sure we are fine." She whispered back with a smirk on her face.
Shrugging, I sit down and enjoy the atmosphere, and not too long after, a waitress is handing us menus.
"Can I get the two of you started off with something to drink?"
"Yeah, I think we will take a pitcher of your most popular ale on tap." Before I could even open my mouth, Erica had ordered alcohol for the two of us.
"Alright, I will be right back with that in a second."
As the waitress walked away, the two of us turned to our menus. All of the options at this place look good, although my hunger is probably playing into that decision. Skimming through the entrees, I realize that I'm just wasting time at this point. Turning to the sandwiches portion of the menu, I run my finger down the list until I hit the item I am looking for. The chicken sandwich and fries. It's not my fault that I've found the perfect meal and almost every restaurant serves it. In fact, its presence on every menu is a testament to how good the option is overall. As the waitress returns to our table and drops off our drinks, I get ready to place my order.
"Are the two of you ready, or would you like some more time?"
"I'm ready if you are." I look across the table to make sure Erica has decided on something.
"Yeah…" Closing her menu and placing it on the table, she looks up at the waitress.
"I think I'll have the grilled chicken sandwich with a side of fries."
My jaw drops as she orders the very meal I was planning on getting. Do I order something else now? What does this mean? Has she also figured out the best option, or was this just a coincidence?
"I'll take that as well."
Erica turned to look at me from across the table and smiled. I swear this was what I wanted to order all along. Is it ok to order the same thing, or do I look indecisive?
"Ok, I'll be right out with your order." As the waitress returned to the kitchen, Erica started to pour us both drinks.
"Tonight is on me since I'm thanking you for helping me yesterday, so drink and eat as much as you want."
Passing me an overflowing mug, Erica poured one of equal size for herself. It's a good thing that neither of us drove to work, seeing as she has no plans for either of us to walk out of here sober.
Watching the sunset together, the time passed quickly, and the alcohol disappeared quicker. Waving the waitress over, Erica ordered another pitcher of beer. Is she going to make it home alright? She's drinking almost twice as much as I am, although she did have a rougher time at work today as well. As the waitress came out with a second pitcher and our food, the sun fell below the horizon. Eating our meals in silence, the sound of the nighttime waves crashing on the beach calmed me down. The atmosphere was almost sobering.
-click-
Erica set her fork down and stared across the table at me. "Hey… do you honestly think we will be able to complete our project on time?"
I'm not sure how to respond to that. If I answer honestly and tell her no, then that would be the two of us admitting defeat and leaving the project dead in the water. So I need to say yes, even if I don't truly believe in that answer myself.
"I… don't know, but I like to think it's possible. Matt wasn't lying when he said we're now working at a pace that can finish everything on time. We just have to keep doing our best and see where it takes us."
"I guess so. It seems like nothing ever goes to plan though. And regardless of how much we accomplish, it's never enough." Erica sighed and lowered her gaze. This must be weighing on her more than anyone else on the team.
"Well... nothing in life ever really goes to plan. At least in my experience."
"Huh?" Erica's head shot back up, her insistent gaze asking me to explain what I meant.
"I haven't told anyone from work this before, but letting you know should be alright. I never intended to work in software engineering. It was actually my backup if I couldn't get accepted into med school. Of course, nothing in life goes to plan, so I ended up here after graduating last spring."
Erica quietly watched me as I explained how I got to this point in my life. I don't know if the alcohol is affecting the way we see things, but as I look into her eyes, I don't feel any pity, just understanding, and compassion. Telling someone about my true feelings and worries is something I thought I would never feel comfortable doing, but here she is, pulling my emotions out and laying them on the table.
"I can see how much that hurts you. I mean, after today, I don't think anyone in their right mind would want our job. Every morning for me is harder to get out of bed, knowing that I'm doing everything in my power to meet expectations yet still fall short of them. After getting yelled at today for something out of my… no, our control. I'm having trouble finding any motivation to see this project through to the end."
Thinking about it, I don't know very much about Erica outside of work. She is one of the older employees at our office, which makes me wonder if all the others had already been promoted or transferred. Regardless of that, the way she got treated today was less than fair. I've always thought the system where the team leader took all the blame was outdated. Not that I particularly wanted to share in the blame or get yelled at myself.
"Yeah... What happened today was unfair and not at all your fault. I'm sorry you had to go through that."
Erica's eyes start welling up as she begins to break down in front of me. Looking away, she wipes her face with her sleeve and stares at the ground.
"Hey, James… are you also thinking about quitting?"
"Wha-"
Without a hint of humor, she hits me with the question that had been plaguing my mind since the day I got hired. It's an easy question to ask, but the consequences of the answer make the solution that much harder to find. Sure, I've thought about quitting multiple times, but I need to work to live. The situation may be miserable, but I don't think it's so bad that we need to quit on a whim. Living life like that can be dangerous.
"You must have thought about it too, considering how far our team is behind. Not to mention you never really wanted this job in the first place." She started rambling on, providing reason after reason to quit and find another place to work.
"We could look for employment somewhere else, somewhere where our efforts are recognized, even if that takes us far away to another city. Why should we be stuck in a terrible present instead of chasing a better future?"
What she is saying resonates with me. Probably more than it would with anyone else. You have to be incredibly dissatisfied with your life to be willing to throw away everything for a chance at something new. But it's not like I hadn't thought of all of this before. Hell, that's the whole reason Matt and Bell manifested in the first place. Thinking of Matt, this conversation is eerily similar to the one he had with Charles earlier today. What was his response then? Something about finding purpose in doing your best, even if others don't recognize that effort.
"I'm… not so sure we should quit. We may never find a better place to work for all I know. I'll admit that looking for a different job sounds wonderful, and the thought of giving up on my dreams constantly haunts me. But I don't think now is a good time to throw in the towel. After all, I can still find pride and purpose in doing my best every day. Something just doesn't feel right about quitting now before seeing everything through."
"Hahaha." Erica wiped the tears off her face once more as she started laughing at my textbook response.
"I can always quit if I manage to get into med school next year…"
Looking away to hide my embarrassment, I sheepishly mutter an excuse under my breath. But that excuse is only good if I can get accepted in the first place, and I already failed at that once. Thinking back on my response, it sounds an awful lot like something Matt would say. Am I just repeating his thoughts at this point, or was that something I came up with? How much of my thoughts are his, and how much of his thoughts are mine? Either way, I'm not sure I gave her the best advice I could, seeing as I don't fully believe in it myself.
Erica quieted down and sighed. "Yeah, I guess that's a good way to look at it. We can always quit at a later time if things continue to look worse."
"Ah!" I nearly pulled my arms back out of shock as she reached across the table and grabbed my hands.
"Besides, getting through a hard day at the office isn't so bad if I get to do fun things like this with you from time to time."
My face suddenly felt very warm. "Aha, I think you might be a little drunk."
"You think so?" Erica tilted her head and stared at me with a sly smile before squeezing my hands and letting go.
"Something like that. We should probably start heading home if we want to get enough sleep before work tomorrow. Especially if we are planning on catching up to where the project needs to be." I hastily changed the topic and waved the waitress over for our bill. Opening up my wallet, I tried to place a wad of cash in the check folder.
"I said tonight is my treat." Erica pouted as she knocked my hand away, handing the waitress her card instead.
"I'll be back in a moment with your receipt." The waitress chuckled to herself as she walked away. I'm sure the two of us looked foolish, fighting over who was paying for the other's meal.
"Well… thanks again for helping me yesterday. Without you, I'm not sure how far behind our team would be at work or if I would even show up tomorrow for that matter. Everything you do and say seems to help me in some way, so thank you."
Erica stumbled through her sentence, making it obvious just how much the alcohol was beginning to affect her. But that didn't make what she said any less meaningful. In fact, she took the words right out of my mouth earlier. It's moments like these that make this job worth it.
"Of course, and don't forget that you help me as well. I'm not sure I would come to work if it wasn't for you either."
Did I say that out loud? Am I drunk too? Turning to watch the ocean once more, I avoided eye contact as the atmosphere suddenly became quite awkward.
"Thank you for coming here tonight. We hope to see you again sometime soon."
Our waitress handed Erica her receipt, breaking both the silence and awkwardness of the situation. As the two of us stood up to leave, Erica began to lightly sway back and forth. Holding out my hand to help her balance, she grabbed onto my arm, pulling herself next to me.
"C'mon, I've got you." As Erica leaned into me, we walked out of the restaurant and back into the streetlight of the shopping district.
"James?"
Just as we had begun to make our way back to the train station, a familiar voice called my name out from behind me. Erica tugged on my sleeve and slowed down.
"Do you know her?"
Turning around to see who called out to me, I am greeted by the shocked face of an old friend.
"Callie?"
Holding a shopping bag in each hand, Callie stared at me with a horrified look on her face. I was surprised to see her too, but the way she was eyeing me made it feel like I was doing something wrong. Do I look that drunk right now? I thought I was holding myself together well.
"Hey, what are you doing here?"
I tried to shift her attention away from my appearance, but Callie kept staring at my clothes. It was almost as if she was trying to burn a hole through them.
"I was just about to ask you that."
Her cold response sent a shiver down my spine. Standing up straight, I turned around to face her and explain the situation.
"aah." Erica sighed, letting go of my arm. Great, now they're both upset with me.
"Erica, this is Callie. She's a good friend from college currently in the same program that I graduated from. Callie, this is-"
"I'm Erica. I've been working with James for the last couple of months."
Erica cut me off to introduce herself. That reminded me of something Bell would do. He didn't seem to like others speaking for him. I guess some people are just like that. As Erica introduced herself, Callie's face relaxed and she stepped forward, holding out her hand.
"It's nice to finally meet someone James works with other than Matt. I didn't have any classes today, so I decided to shop for some winter clothes. And before I knew it, it was dark out. Did the two of you just get off work?"
"Actually, we just got done eating." Erica shook Callie's hand and pointed at the bar behind us.
"Wha-" Callie took a step back, and a cold expression washed over her face once more.
"James has been helping me out with my portion of our project from time to time, and I just wanted to thank him for that."
"The two of you- you ate dinner together?" Callie stuttered as she turned to look at the restaurant.
"Well, we also talked about what we want to do with our future."
Erica swayed a bit as she spoke. Beginning to lose her balance, she grabbed onto my arm once more to avoid falling over. Callie's shoulders slumped, and she started to zone out.
"With your future… What does she mean by that?"
I don't know what Callie is thinking right now, but the way she's acting tells me that something has been grossly misinterpreted along the way. Looking at Erica clinging to my arm, her question starts to make more sense.
"Ah, not like that." I feel myself start to blush as I laugh at the situation.
"We were talking about our career plans and where we want to work in the future. Erica here just had a little too much to drink."
"Oh" As Callie's face reddened in embarrassment, she looked at the ground avoiding eye contact.
"And what did you decide on?"
"Well… after talking it over... we decided to keep working where we are right now, at least for the foreseeable future."
I smiled at Callie while I told her a half-truth. I have no intention to keep working where I am in the long run, although what I said to Erica over dinner was arguably unavoidable. If I don't take my own advice, does that mean it's bad advice? In the end, I guess I told both of them a half-lie.
"Hmmm" Erica tugged on my sleeve. What does she want now? Did I say something that upset her?
"I am not drunk."
"Well, you've certainly had too much to drink."
"Hey- Hey James."
Callie sheepishly interjected. Her face was clouded with anxiety, but I didn't know what for. This conversation has honestly been nothing but trouble for me, and I should probably start looking for a way out.
"Are you still going to apply to a professional school this year, or have you given up on that? Seeing as you want to keep working where you are for the foreseeable future and all…" her voice trailed off as she looked to me for an answer.
"Yeah... I'll apply. There's nothing wrong with keeping my options open and trying again, right?"
Keeping my options open, more like trying to get one good option. But I can't say that right now, or Erica would think that I was lying to her at dinner. Was I lying to her at dinner? No. Everything I said was true. I just don't believe in it myself. Does that mean I'm hiding the truth from Callie in order to preserve the truth for Erica? Do two wrongs make a right, or is there a different way I should be handling this? Either way, I'm too far in to back out now.
"Thank goodness. You had me scared there for a second." Erica sighed, and her face relaxed once more.
"You shouldn't give up on our dreams so easily after all."
Our dreams, so that's what's been bothering her. Thinking back on everything that has happened recently, I can't blame her. The last time we spoke, I was fighting Matt tooth and nail, and she probably thought I was going insane. Callie came over that day to talk about applying to professional schools as well. And now hearing that my plans for the future had changed, it makes sense she would think I had given up. What happened that day isn't exactly my fault, but it isn't Callie's either. I need to apologize for worrying her like that.
"What time is it, James?" Erica interrupted my thoughts, bringing me back to what was happening at the moment.
Looking at the clock, I nearly drop my phone in shock. "10 pm and it will be another long day at work tomorrow. I'm sorry Callie, but we really need to be on our way."
"That's ok. Can the two of you make it back to the station alright?" Callie picked her shopping bags up off the ground, seemingly looking for an excuse to come with us.
"I think we will be fine, but thank you." Erica grabbed my hand and took a step away, pulling me with her.
"It was nice to meet you, Callie."
"Yeah.. nice to meet you too..."
Callie's voice trailed off once more, staring in shock as Erica dragged me away from the conversation. I don't know when I will see her next, but I guess my apology will have to wait for another day.
Walking back through the shopping district, the cool ocean wind had now exchanged for a chilled nighttime breeze. As the brisk air pierced my suit, a chill ran down my spine. Erica grasped onto my arm tighter and held herself closer than necessary to regain her balance. Looking at her once more, she was shivering in the cold. I should have noticed that sooner. Taking off my jacket, I drape it over her shoulders, and she relaxes her grip. The painful wind starts to shoot through my exposed shirt as we enter the station. Wincing, I regret giving up my warmth. Was this what she was dealing with the entire walk back?
Standing in silence, we watch the trains shoot through the station one after the other. No longer holding onto my arm, Erica seemed to be holding herself together better.
"Do you want me to walk you all the way home?"
"Haha, no. I'm confident I can get there myself now. And even if I wasn't, we take different trains home. If you came with me, it would be midnight by the time you managed to get yourself in bed. I want you to get more sleep than that, seeing as I might just need your help with my work again tomorrow."
As my train pulled into the station, Her soft smile warmed me back up, and all my worry washed away. Stepping off the platform, I turned around and waved goodbye. Erica waved back with one hand, the other holding my jacket around her shoulders. I would have to get that back from her sometime tomorrow morning.
This time of night the subway is relatively empty and quiet. Almost as if the atmosphere mirrors the sleeping city surrounding it. Having no trouble finding an open seat, I sit down, and the train starts to pull away. Leaving Erica behind, a cold feeling rushes back over my body. Maybe I really do regret giving up that coat.
Resting my head on the window, I can feel the light vibrations of the train throughout my entire body. It's an oddly relaxing feeling, one of both comfort and discomfort. Is the comfort from my tiredness and the discomfort from the shaking of the train, or vice versa? As the stations pass me by, I feel myself start to drift off to sleep. Erica was right about needing to head home separately.
I don't think anyone could blame me for falling asleep now. Today was long and tiresome, from apologizing for Bell's rudeness in the morning to getting in trouble at work from our boss. Even going out to dinner with Erica ended in an unexpected and awkward scenario with Callie. All of it combined is enough to give anyone a headache.
-bang-
My head bounced off the window and slammed back into it. Now my head aches. Sitting up straight, I press my head into my hands and hold back from cursing in public. Wide awake, Erika's question from dinner echoed in my head. "Are you also thinking about quitting?"
Was my answer really ok? I basically told her that I had thought about quitting too but concluded that doing so was wrong. Truth be told, that wasn't my conclusion. It was Matt's. Although his thoughts on the situation are also mine in a sense, the same as Bell's. Bell would have told Erica that quitting and finding another job is the right move. So that would mean repeating what Matt told me earlier today was only giving half my thoughts on the matter.
Was that ok for me to do? Is what I said to Erica any different from what Matt told Charles today? Or am I in the wrong because I don't truly believe in the advice I gave? I don't know. All I know is that I told her something that I wish others would stop telling me.
As the train arrived at my stop, I stood up and almost fell over. Am I drunk now or just too deep in thought? Righting myself, I collect my briefcase from the seat next to me and exit the station.
Walking home alone in the dark is kind of scary yet equally calming. I find the silence of the situation enjoyable and often find myself lost in thought during times like these. However, doing anything alone at night is generally seen as a dangerous activity. I hope Erica and Callie make it home safely. Much like the duality of comfort when sleeping on the train. Why must everything enjoyable have its downsides? If Matt were here, he would try and apply that logic to our job.
As I turn around the block, my apartment complex is in view. Looking up at the second floor, I see light shining out from our windows. Is Bell awake gaming now, or is Matt waiting for me to get home before going to bed? Either way, it's comforting to know someone else is in the apartment when I get home. Over the last couple of days, I have come to appreciate that much about the two of them. There is something to be said about living with others, opposed to being by yourself all the time.
Walking up the stairs, the chilled breeze pierced my shirt once more. Shivering, I rush over to the door and let myself inside. It's hard to believe that just yesterday, I had been standing out here enjoying the weather with Charles.
"Ah James, glad to see you made it back ok." Matt walked over to the door to greet me.
"Yeah, it looks like you and Bell are doing alright. I assume there were no problems with him and the neighbors today?"
"Thankfully."
Matt had an exhausted look on his face as I reminded him of yesterday's events. I guess even he can get worn down from time to time. Walking into the living room, I was met by Bell playing games with a headset on. All my worry was for nothing then, seeing as he took our concerns to heart.
"Hey Bell, I'm about to head to bed. Are you doing ok?" Tapping his shoulder, I decided to interrupt him and make sure everything was going alright.
"Of course, thanks for asking." Bell paused his game and smiled at me.
"I assume everything went well between you and Erica then?"
"Ah… yeah."
Did everything go well? I feel like that question has been plaguing me the entire night. Erica seemed to think everything I said was ok. But I can't seem to justify my own words. If what I said in the moment leads her to a worse future, if it leads us to a worse future, it would all be my fault. And I don't think I would be able to handle that situation, knowing I was the reason things went poorly. If I can't sort out my own thoughts, then maybe Matt and Bell can help. After all, they are my own thoughts.
"Actually… can I talk to the two of you about something before I go to bed?"
"Sure, what's the problem?" Matt patted me on the back as he walked past me, sitting next to Bell on the couch.
"I had dinner with Erica tonight, right…"
"mhm" Matt nodded his head in agreement, watching me intently.
"So we talked about work, which is a pretty normal thing to do. But the conversation eventually made its way to how our project is falling behind and how Erica had to deal with Mr. Bonnet for our entire team."
"Who?" Bell looked up, asking for clarification.
"Our boss."
"Oh, ok"
"Yeah, we got in trouble today for our project not being on schedule, and Erica wanted to know what I thought about it. Well, actually... it was more like she wanted to know what I thought about the job as a whole."
"Oh no." Matt leaned back in his seat, and Bell sat his controller down in stunned silence. Turning the TV off, the room went quiet.
"What did the two of you talk about specifically?"
"That's a good question… I guess we talked about what we want to do with our futures."
"Huh?" Bell looked at me in confusion, one eyebrow raised and his head tilted to the side.
That's a fair response. I should have learned from my interaction with Callie earlier tonight to be more careful with my words. Yet here I am, not even an hour later repeating the same mistake Erica made in front of the restaurant. What I want to do with my future, for such a loaded sentence, it manages to capture our conversation nicely. But the specifics of what we discussed were a little more complicated than that.
"Sorry, that was a bad way to put it. Erica talked about how the way she is treated at work is unfair. And that even though the entire team is doing their best, nothing positive seems to come out of our effort."
"Hmm" Bell sat back in his seat and stared at the floor.
"What does that have to do with your future though?"
"Well… Erica said that our work environment was starting to wear her down and that she could not keep putting herself through this situation every day only to get nothing in return. She told me that she was considering leaving the company and finding a new job."
"I see." Matt leaned forward, wrinkles forming on his forehead.
"But why did she bring this up to you?"
"Are you dumb? There is only one reason she would bring that up. To ask him what he thinks about quitting their job." Bell looked up at Matt with a smug grin on his face. Tilting his head back to glance at me, he went on.
"Am I wrong?"
"No…"
He hit the nail on the head, not that it was a terribly hard thing to do. But as Matt shifted uncomfortably in his seat, I felt the atmosphere in the room shift uncomfortably with him. This was the part of the conversation I dreaded the most. The part where I had to explain the outcome of our conversation.
"What did you say to her then?"
Matt looked at me with weary eyes. I almost forgot that he went through the same situation as Erica and I today. For someone who puts up such a strong front at the office, he seems to wear down easily at home.
"I should say, our conversation was a bit more complicated than just talking about if she should quit or not"
That was an understatement. The conversation was about if both of us should quit our job and look for work elsewhere. The phrase discussing what we want to do with our futures really was a perfect fit, although a surprisingly misleading one.
"I ended up telling her how I never wanted to work in software development in the first place, which resulted in Erica more or less asking me if we should quit our job together. Since both of us are unhappy with it and all."
"What did you say to her then?" Matt placed his head in his hands as he repeated himself.
"I… told her that we should not quit our jobs in a rash decision. I said that I could find pride in doing my best at work every day and that acknowledgment from our peers is enough to continue working hard. That we can always quit another day if it comes down to it."
"Thank goodness." Matt sighed as he fell back in his seat, the worry slowly disappearing from his face.
"The way you were talking about dinner made it seem like you were having second thoughts about a decision you made, but you did the right thing."
"Pffft" Bell faked a laugh, scoffing at Matt.
"How can you say for sure he made the right decision in the long run? They are both clearly unhappy with your terrible job."
"Come again?" Matt's face contorted once more as he turned to look at Bell.
The atmosphere in the room seemed to heat up, and I could feel an argument coming on, but that wouldn't help me in the slightest. I need to shut them both down quickly.
"Please don't argue about what I said. I can't change it now."
Both of them immediately stopped talking and turned to look at me slowly. That got their attention better than I thought it would. But if intervening like that stopped them from fighting with each other, then it was worth it. Besides, now that I'm finally done explaining the painful context, I can ask for their thoughts on my actions and intentions. The thing this conversation was all about in the first place.
"That's right… you had something to ask us about. What was it?" Matt's eyes lit up as he remembered I needed help.
"My problem is that I don't fully believe in the advice I gave her. It was more or less just repeating what you said to Charles at the office today since I could not think of any other response without immediate repercussions. I decided to push the problem further down the road to avoid it, but that could come back to hurt us both in the end. And if it does end up hurting either of us, it will be my fault."
There it is, my real problem. I can come to terms with my current actions hurting my future self. That would just be me taking responsibility for my own mistakes. But if my advice leads someone else down the wrong path, whose fault is it? Can I just say I'm sorry and walk away after ruining someone else's life, or do I need to take responsibility for their mistakes as well?
"You did the right thing, no doubt about it." Matt immediately responded, almost jumping out of his chair to reassure me.
"Both options of quitting and staying with our job have a potential for good and bad outcomes. All you did was ensure that the both of you have a future. The choice of leaving for a new job is undoubtedly the riskier option of the two."
"That's what I thought in the moment. But looking back on it now, I'm having serious doubts about the consequences of what I said to her. Regardless of what advice I gave Erica or what path I pushed her down, I wouldn't have truly believed in it. And that means that any harm resulting from my actions becomes my fault. Was giving advice actually the wrong move? Should I have just told her the truth and said I don't know? That I'm still working on finding that answer for myself?"
"I think that you pushed her in the safer direction, and that is a good thing." Matt held his hands out, mimicking a scale, shifting one hand lower than the other in a back and forth motion.
"To me, it sounds like she would have quit immediately without finding another job if you said nothing. And that is the worst possible outcome. You need a job to cover the basic costs of living. Besides, it's not like you forced her down an unchangeable route. You can always quit at a later date. But you can't just get rehired on a whim."
"If you put it like that, then-"
"Then it sounds like everything works out nicely, doesn't it" Bell cut me off mid-sentence.
Out of all his bad habits, this one might be the most intrusive. But seeing as I was just about to ask for his opinion, I'll let it slide.
"What Matt here is forgetting... is the most simple truth of all. Wasting your life away in a place you don't want to be in, in a place that hurts you, is not a good thing. And by forcing yourselves to find consolation in a terrible work environment, you are only allowing yourselves to be taken advantage of."
"It is not a terrible job. Our team is just shorthanded." Matt glared at Bell, attempting to shut him down.
"Hahaha. And who takes the blame for that? The company or your team?" As Bell laughed at Matt, I felt the conversation start to slip away from anything that could be considered helpful advice.
"Listen to me, don't get too caught up in everything Matt says. It sounds nice and reasonable from an outside perspective, but you need to think about your own happiness above everything else. In my opinion, you will only ever find that kind of happiness in life AND in work from chasing a career you truly wish to pursue. There is an old saying that if you enjoy your job, you will not work a single day of your life. It is my belief that anything less than that is not worth your time or effort."
"Ok… but what about the advice I gave Erica?"
"Stop. You are too focused on the possibility that what you said to Erica tonight may affect her in the future. But have you thought about the way your advice is affecting her now? How it is affecting you now? I don't see you any happier with the present, so why are you so worried about what may or may not happen in the future?"
"I… hadn't thought about it like that. But it doesn't change the fact that what I said influences her choices."
I hoped that if I explained the situation to them, I might be able to sort out my worries and find a solution that fixes everything. But this was just another mistake on my part. I had not even considered the current consequences of my actions. Instead of receiving help with my problems, I was handed more questions to answer.
"I still don't know if I told Erica the right thing or not… Hell, I don't know if I'm doing the right thing with my life or not!"
Matt stood up and walked over to where I was standing, hugging me with one arm and patting me on the back with the other.
"In the end, the decision of what to do with your life is up to you, James. I'm not you, only a part of you. I can't tell you what the right response to Erica's question was. I can only tell you what I would do in your place."
"How can you be so sure about your choice to keep working then?" My voice wavered as I took a step back.
"Because I made that choice for myself. The same way Bell did and the same way you will eventually."
His soft smile matched his words, but there was no comfort to be found in what was said. Why couldn't I be handed a direct answer? Would I resent being forced into a future instead of making the final decision for myself? I feel like I can't understand, let alone decide anything right now. Looking to Bell, I see him nodding in agreement with Matt. Why is this the one thing they agree on?
"I'm going to head to bed since we have another early start tomorrow. You should consider doing the same. Sometimes sleeping on these types of problems can lead you to an answer quicker than thinking it out." Matt walked past me and out of the room.
"Sleep well, James. you too, Bell."
"Yeah… I think I'll head to bed too then…" My voice trailed off as I found myself lost in thought.
If my choices and words can affect both the present and the future. Then no solution can guide me to a perfect answer. Maybe I can find comfort in that truth. If every solution is imperfect, then I could be blamed for suffering in any possible future. Is that too pessimistic, or am I simply looking for an easy way out of responsibility?
"That's probably for the best. Sleep well, James." Bell pulled me back to the present as he turned his game back on and wished me a good night's rest.
"Yeah, see you tomorrow."
Walking back to my room, I toss my work clothes on a chair and climb into bed. Staring at the ceiling, I start to think about Matt and Bell as I drift off to sleep. They appeared because of my inability to choose a certain path for my future. But as that problem continues to plague me, the two of them can't guide me to a solution. They would rather argue about which one of them is happier than help me find any happiness. If the two of them came from my thoughts, then my thoughts are truly worthless.
-ding-
My phone chimed on the nightstand next to me. Who would text me this late? Reaching over, I look at the notification.
"Erica?"
"Hey, I just wanted to thank you for helping me sort out my thoughts about everything tonight. It meant a lot to me. Honestly, I'm looking forward to going to work tomorrow for the first time in a long time, all thanks to you. I'll return your coat tomorrow, so I better see you there first thing in the morning!"
"Ah… well, I'm glad she made it home safely."
Maybe I was worried about nothing in the end. My actions still have their consequences, and I can't forget that. But if one of those consequences is getting to talk to Erica like this, then maybe the future I chose isn't all bad.