What time is it? Sitting up in a panic, I opened my eyes. I feel well-rested enough to have overslept. Reaching for my phone, I glanced around the bedroom. Sunlight filtered through the window, yet the apartment was eerily quiet. My alarm has ten minutes left. Sighing in relief, I deactivated it and got out of bed. There's something satisfying about waking up right before your alarm goes off. Maybe it's because I got enough sleep on my own or because waking up to a repetitive tone is annoying. Regardless, I feel at ease, as if everything that's been holding me down has finally disappeared. Gathering myself and exiting the bedroom, I started to get ready for the day.
-beep beep beep-
Matt's alarm rang across the hallway as I stepped out of the shower. We take about the same time to get ready and leave for work, so one of us will typically wake up earlier to avoid sharing the bathroom. It's never been discussed, but the first person to head to bed usually gets up first, too. And after they finish cleaning up, they cook everyone something for breakfast with their extra time. Although it's not flawless, it's the system we've naturally landed on by living together this long. That way, instead of holding each other up, we move somewhat in unison to get out the door as quickly as possible.
"Good morning." Walking back to my bedroom, I passed Matt in the hallway.
"Yeah, good timing." Yawning, he nodded in agreement and entered the bathroom.
Did he mishear me, or did I misinterpret his agreement? I'm not sure it matters. Drying off and putting my clothes on, I finished getting ready for work. I wonder what I should make for breakfast this morning. I have enough time to cook something decent for once. We have eggs and toast too often, so I'll mix it up by cooking spinach, onion, and mushrooms with the egg. That sounds nice. Walking over to my desk, I pulled my laptop off its charger and placed both in my briefcase. Double-checking to ensure I had everything on me, I grabbed my phone and wallet off the nightstand, straightened my hair, and exited the bedroom.
"Up already?" Walking into the kitchen, Bell patted me on the back.
"Hey, you're up early. Did you sleep well?" Glancing behind me, I finished pulling ingredients out of the fridge and set them on the counter.
"Yeah, I got to bed at a decent time. I don't think I slept as well as you did, though." Smiling, he moved out of the way.
"Does sleeping through an entire day mean I slept well?"
"I think it means you slept as much as you needed to. Can I help you with anything here?" Bell leaned on the counter as I turned the stovetop on.
"Would you mind slicing the mushrooms and setting the table?" I coated a pan with non-stick spray and poured some leftover diced onion in.
"I can do that."
Working around each other in sync, Bell finished the mushrooms just as I needed them. I tossed the remaining vegetables in the pan and turned the stove hood on. The last thing I need is to overcook the spinach and set the fire alarm off accidentally. We kind of glossed over it in passing, but it's unusual for Bell to go to bed and wake up at a regular time. As long as we've lived together, he's only done that if there's something scheduled, he can't miss. I don't know what that could be today. Looking down and noticing the spinach had wilted, I quickly cracked some eggs into the pan and stirred everything together. Behind me, Bell filled the toaster with bread and began pouring everyone glasses of water. I usually like cooking alone instead of scrambling over others in the kitchen, but we make a good team.
"Alright, it's done." Turning off the stove, I slid the meal onto a serving plate and divided it into three portions.
"The table is set." Following me out of the kitchen, Bell grabbed a jar of salsa from the fridge.
"That's good."
"Yeah? You seem happy. Normally, I'm pretty upset when my vacations end."
"I guess I'm looking forward to work. If that's possible." Placing our food on the table, I pulled out my phone and texted Matt to let him know breakfast was ready.
"I'd like to think it is." Sitting down, Bell shrugged.
"I'm not sure you're an expert on that or vacations ending, now that I think about it. Are you even looking for a full-time position anywhere?" Pulling a portion of egg onto my plate, I raised an eyebrow at him.
"Yeah, I've actually got an offer lined up if things don't work out. Before the holiday season, I had a virtual interview, and they just got back to me." Bell reached into his wallet and pulled out a business card.
"You should accept it and start paying for things around here." Entering the dining room, Matt grabbed a seat and filled his plate.
"Haha, well… I'm still thinking about it, but hopefully, I won't have to soon." Laughing nervously, Bell passed Matt the salsa.
"Hopefully…" Matt sighed and began to eat.
Taking a bite of toast, I sat back in my chair and listened to their banter. For a long time, I thought they genuinely disliked each other and were unable to coexist peacefully. But I don't think that's the case anymore. They both want the best for each other, and this is how they try to express it. It's not a rebuttal or a compromise, and it doesn't need to be. If their friendship reflects what they've given up, it affirms everything they've gained. Ambiently experiencing that only reaffirms their sentiment; only I can decide what's best for me. Opening my phone to check the weather, I almost dropped it in shock. We need to leave for work in about five minutes. Showing Matt the time, the two of us finished eating and started to clear the table.
"I can take care of that." Standing up, Bell gestured at the dishes and waved us out of the room.
"Thanks, Bell."
"Yeah, thanks."
As we finished cleaning up and gathered in the entryway, Matt and I stepped over each other in a silent agreement to get out the door as quickly as possible. How long have we been roommates for? First, with Bell in the kitchen and now with Matt, the three of us developed an unspoken understanding somewhere along the way. Looking back at how poorly we used to live around each other, it's almost unbelievable how well we live together now. Sliding on my coat, I nodded at Matt, and the two of us stepped outside. Maybe they understood me from the start, and our relationship deepened as I came to accept them. I'd like to think I'm not the only one who's grown over time. Matt's uncertain advice and Bell's willingness to pursue a new career shows we're all changing in some way. Greeted by a dry, cold breeze, I quickly turned around to shut the door and lock it.
"Good morning." Stepping out of his apartment, Charles waved at us.
"Hey, Charles. How was your holiday?" Matt began walking down the stairs and toward the station.
"It was nice. Lilac and I met up with some family and friends out of town, and we also managed to relax a little..." Following behind me, Charles shared what he did over the break.
"Well, if you were away, I'm glad we didn't need to call you for help." Smiling, Matt glanced back at the two of us.
"What do you mean?" Looking up, Charles sounded confused.
"Most of our recent files got wiped because they didn't sync to the system. So we met up with Erica to redo them a few days ago." As the three of us entered the subway, I explained the situation to Charles.
"I didn't have my laptop when I was away from home. But if you had questions on anything assigned to me, I could have tried to help…" Learning about the issue after it had been resolved, Charles sounded dejected.
"Since we didn't know how much needed to be recovered, we decided not to call you over vacation unless it was necessary." Checking the time on his phone, Matt turned to watch our train pull into the station.
"That makes sense. I'm glad everything worked out." Reassured, Charles thanked us as we boarded and found a place to sit.
Shifting the conversation, Matt began talking about our trip to the aquarium. Scanning the advertisements lining the ceiling, a poster for the event we attended is still up. It's been a while since the 24th. I wonder when it will be replaced with one that isn't out of date. Considering we didn't do anything outside of visiting the aquarium and fixing our project, it's a good thing most conversations about the holidays end after describing one event. I wonder which of the two I should bring up if someone asks. The aquarium was nice, but recovering the project last minute sounds more exciting. Although, except for my career discussion with Matt, there wasn't anything notable about redoing work for hours on end. Thinking back on our conversation, I wonder when I started looking at this job differently. Did some event or inflection point affect my outlook, or did it change gradually? I'm not sure. Regardless, the conclusion of that discussion has stuck with me ever since. Am I happy with my current job?
"Are you excited to roll onto a new engagement, James?" As the train came to our stop, Matt stood up beside me.
"Yeah, I am."
"That's good. Do either of you know what team you're assigned to next?" Glancing over his shoulder, Charles led us out of the subway and across the street.
"No clue. Maybe it will be something out of another office." Matt shrugged.
"It was nice working with everyone on this project, so I'm kind of hoping the team can stay together." Holding the lobby door open for us, Charles smiled.
"I don't think we have much control over that." Sighing, I entered the building.
"Well, we shouldn't worry about it too much in that case." Matt scanned his employee ID and entered our floor number on the elevator keypad.
Stepping in, the three of us rode up in silence. Am I excited to be put on a new team? I don't know. From what I understand, upper management assigns employees to projects depending on size, sector, and need. So we'll likely be split up and put on two or more engagements. If that happens, it's not like we won't see each other around the office, but I'm still hoping we can continue to work together. A significant reason I came to enjoy this job is because of Matt, Charles, and Erica. Exiting the elevator, I made small talk with familiar faces on the way to my desk. The atmosphere was warm and welcoming, something I wouldn't have felt months ago, but I didn't stop to take it in. Scanning the floor as I set my briefcase down, I gave up on finding the final member of our team.
"Hey, James." A familiar voice called my name from behind.
"Erica, I was just looking for you!" Taken by surprise, I turned around and smiled.
"Oh? I saw the three of you walk in, so I thought I'd stop by."
"I guess we were thinking the same thing. Did everything work out after we left on Sunday?" Pulling out my phone, wallet, and keys, I placed them on the table beside me.
"Yeah, I managed to catch up on sleep. How are you doing after that all-nighter?" Smiling back, Erica motioned at Matt and Charles.
"I slept through until this morning." Faking a yawn, I moved to make room as the rest of the team joined us.
"That's good, I'm glad." Erica laughed.
"James told me about the project on our way here this morning. Thank you so much for fixing everything over vacation." Addressing the three of us, Charles looked to Erica for approval.
"Don't worry about it, Charles. We managed to recover everything without too many issues." Turning to face the group, Erica reassured him.
"If anything, I'm more worried about the next project." Nodding in agreement, Matt dropped his bag on the desk next to mine.
"Well, on that topic, our files have been sent to higher management, so I wanted everyone to know there's nothing left for us to complete. Despite several… setbacks, we managed to finish everything on time. Even as we roll onto new teams, that's something to be proud of." Smiling again, Erica gave us the go-ahead to start working on new engagements.
"Thanks."
"Yeah, thank you."
As the group broke apart and everyone returned to their desks, I opened my laptop. Erica is right. From where we started, completing our project by the deadline is a real accomplishment. Although, part of that success is probably from the subtle addition of Matt to our team. Would we have been as successful without him? I don't think so. Refreshing my engagement schedule for updates to deployment, the dashboard remained unchanged. I wonder why I haven't been removed from the old team and put on a new one yet. I've worked here for a little under a year, and in that time, I've been indefinitely assigned to one project. So, I'm not entirely sure what I'm supposed to do other than wait for something to change. I can't access any new files, let alone see who to contact for directions.
"Matt, are you assigned to a new team yet?" Glancing at him, I pointed to my laptop.
"Yeah, I am."
"I'm still on the old engagement."
"Maybe the system hasn't updated for you yet?" Sliding his chair toward me, Matt reached over to refresh my dashboard.
"I've at least tried that." Watching him, I shook my head.
"Well, I wanted to make sure." Laughing, Matt pulled away.
"Do you think I need to contact anyone?"
"You might, but I'd give it a few more minutes…" Pausing to think, Matt came to the same conclusion I did.
"Alright, thanks."
"No problem."
Turning around, I began skimming through company-wide emails to clear my inbox. Most of the time, these don't contain anything relevant, so I end up deleting them quickly. Although, it would probably be faster if I filtered them into a folder automatically. Refreshing my engagement schedule, I received a ping from Erica asking me to come to her desk. I wonder if she has a task I can complete while the system updates. I wouldn't mind that since I have nothing better to do, although maybe Erica's experiencing the same issue. Hopefully not. She would have been the next person I asked about it. Closing my laptop, I stood up and walked over.
"What's up?" Tapping the table, I tried to grab her attention.
"Oh, James. Are you assigned to a new team yet?" Erica pulled her earbuds out and put them away.
"No, I'm not."
"Hmm… me either. I guess the system must be down."
"Matt is, though..." Taking a step back, I grabbed a nearby chair.
"That's strange. I'll have to ask Lupin what to do." Thinking out loud, Erica started sending a message to our boss.
"I take it this isn't normal then?"
"Not at all, so don't worry." Erica spoke slowly as she finished typing.
"That makes me feel better, I guess. Is there anything I can help with in the meantime?" Sitting back in my seat, I offered to do something more productive than deleting old emails.
"I don't have anything for you right now, but I did want to ask… If you want to grab drinks after work today? I'll pay to thank you for helping me over vacation." Spinning around in her chair to face me, Erica smiled.
"That sounds nice. Sure." Trying to remember if I had any plans, I smiled back.
"I'll look forward to it th-"
"Erica, James, will the two of you come into my office?" Cutting Erica off, Lupin called for us from across the room.
Glancing at each other in confusion, Erica and I made our way over. I expected him to ping back with instructions or contact information for someone else who could help. If Lupin is making time to pull us aside, that worries me. Maybe we messed up our project, and the two of us have been kept on longer to fix it. Entering his office, I looked around to see several empty shelves merge into a desk with two monitors bolted in. Behind them, sunlight filtered through a giant window partially covered by a curtain to block glare. Thinking back, the last time I walked into this room was for my hiring interview. I can't even remember how I felt then; probably just as nervous as I am now. Erica and I grabbed chairs across from Lupin's as he closed the door and took a seat.
"How are you both doing? I thought an email explaining everything might have come through before we talked, but this works, too." Moving to the side of his computer, Lupin smiled.
"I'm doing well. Was there an issue with our engagement, or…" Erica's voice trailed off.
"Not at all. Normally, the timing for this is less clean, and we have people roll off projects halfway through, but the firm is looking to transfer you both to a new office."
"We're receiving a transfer order?" Repeating what he said back, Erica sounded shocked.
"That's right."
"How soon?" Shifting uncomfortably, a new set of worries replaced my old ones.
"The company typically gives employees a week to decide, and all that information should be in an email you receive later today." Responding calmly, Lupin glanced at his computer.
"Will we be transferring departments, or is it just the location?" Moving forward in her seat, Erica was brimming with excitement.
"Since a new office is opening, HR wants to transfer in some experienced seniors and managers. So you probably won't be changing departments, but the transfer will likely come with a promotion, and your salary will also be adjusted for the cost of living differential."
"Is it just the two of us from this office?" Glancing at Erica, I felt the room start to spin around me.
"Yes. You were both already in consideration last year because of the quality of your work, and the effort you've put in recently to meet deadlines reflects highly. We would like you to bring that same energy to the new office."
"Yeah, thank you." Smiling, I quietly nodded in agreement.
"Do the two of you have any other questions?" Looking to bring our conversation to a close, Lupin pushed his chair back from the desk.
"What should we do for the rest of today?" Erica checked her phone as she stood up.
"You'll receive updates to required compliance and training soon, and the official transfer documents will come though later today. Also, while you've just rolled off your engagement, make sure to complete or reassign any files you have left. If you're free after that, ping me, and I can always find something for you to do."
"Thanks, Lupin."
"Thanks."
"Of course, and Erica, James, if you could hold off telling others about the transfer until it's officially announced…" Tapping the spacebar of his laptop, Lupin looked up at us.
"Sure thing." Opening the door, I stepped out of his office with Erica, and the two of us returned to our desks in silence.
Feeling lightheaded, the office continued to spin around me as I collapsed in my chair. I didn't expect this. How could I have? I took this job to make money while reapplying for med school. That's always been my long-term goal. I never considered what I would do if I got promoted or transferred to another office. It's a solid career, and this is the fastest way to get ahead, but my life is centered around an assumption that I'll eventually take another path. Everything around me is moving faster than I'm ready for. I knew the company was expanding. I just didn't think it would affect me. I always thought I would quit if the situation ever became untenable, but I like this job now and the people here, too. Taking opportunities like this can further your career in unimaginable ways, and turning them down can result in stagnation or worse. If I reject this offer and don't get into med school, where will that leave me?
"What's wrong?" Speaking in a hushed tone, Matt tapped my shoulder.
"Huh?" Jumping in shock, I looked up at him.
"You seem out of it. Is everything alright?"
"Yeah, I'll tell you later tonight." Opening my laptop, I typed the password in.
"Ok. If there's anything I can do to help, let me know." Sitting back down, Matt glanced at me with concern.
"Thanks." Smiling, I put my earbuds in and turned away.
Opening my compliance dashboard to check for updates, I've been assigned multiple new training modules as required activities. I know I left that meeting feeling conflicted, but I didn't think it was enough for others to notice. Even if it's just Matt, I need to act like everything is normal. Working through training requests while listening to podcasts in the background, I started to lose focus. I wonder what Erica thinks about the transfer. She seemed happy enough in the meeting, but that was probably the appropriate response, even if she wanted to reject the offer. Glancing at the time, I grabbed my employee ID, coat, and wallet before heading down to the lobby to grab lunch at a local deli. The cold air shocked me awake as I stepped outside and hurried across the street. Ordering my usual smoked turkey sandwich with Havarti, cranberry chutney, and cream cheese on multigrain bread, I texted Matt to ask if he wanted me to grab him anything. I feel bad not telling him about the transfer, but I can't put my thoughts together well enough to hold a conversation right now. Paying for my food, I received a reply saying he would grab something with Charles instead. Is it really time for lunch already? I can barely remember what I was doing half an hour ago. Returning to the office, I started eating while clicking through my email. Skimming through the transfer order, it seems like everything Lupin told us about is here. I'll have to read it carefully later tonight to make sure there's nothing strange in it. By now, I've almost completed all my assigned training modules. I don't have any client work to complete, but it feels weird to sift through internal company material as if I'm waiting for a manager to assign me a task. I could ask for more work once I finish everything or let this drag on until it's time to head home. It didn't sound like Lupin cared too much either way. Putting my head down, I continued working halfheartedly.
"James, it's 5 pm." Matt tapped me on the shoulder.
"Already?" Quickly submitting today's hours under the training and general time codes, I began shutting my laptop down.
"Yeah, are you gonna head home with us?"
"I think so." Sliding my coat on and grabbing my briefcase, I followed him toward the elevator where Charles was waiting.
"I don't blame you for losing track of time. After our last project, it feels weird to leave when we're supposed to."
"Doesn't it?" Smiling, Charles pressed the button for the ground floor.
-ding-
"I'm not used to it, but I'm not complaining either." Stepping into the elevator, Matt turned around with a confused look.
"James, wait up!" Calling my name as she ran toward us, Erica finished putting on her coat and bag.
"Is everything ok?" Stepping forward, I held out my arm to stop the door from closing.
"Oh, yes. It's just, are you still good for dinner, or?" Stopping to catch her breath, Erica straightened her hair and glanced up at me.
"I'm so sorry, it completely slipped my mind! Yeah, that's- that's fine, I'd love to."
"I guess the two of us will head home without you then. We can make the next train if we hurry, Charles." Matt checked his phone as the elevator descended.
"Sounds good to me." Charles nodded in agreement.
-ding-
"Are you sure you're ok? You've been absent-minded all day." Speaking so only I could hear, Matt exited the elevator behind me.
"I am, thank you." Looking over my shoulder, I managed a smile.
"Alright then." Smiling back, Matt moved to walk next to Charles.
"Say hi to Lilac for me, Charles. Thanks, Matt." Clearly pleased, Erica waved them off as our group split.
"I'll do that!"
"Yeah… I'll see you tomorrow."
We took a familiar route downtown, walking along a streetlight path overlooking the snow-covered beach. Each crashing wave seemed to carry a colder gust of wind as the temperature lowered with the early setting sun. Making small talk about the weather and what kind of restaurant we wanted to go to, I found myself thinking about what Matt said before parting ways. It's kind of hard not to feel lost after what happened today. I'm sure Matt or Bell would instantly know what to do in my place, but I haven't figured out what I want. Maybe I am absent-minded. Holding the door open, I followed Erica into the same bar we had eaten at months ago. Compared to the relaxed scene when we were seated outside, the restaurant's interior is lively. I wonder if we chose this place because it's what we both want or out of familiarity and convenience. Placing my phone and wallet on our table, I took my coat off and slid into the booth facing her.
"Are there any drinks I can get you started with tonight?" Introducing herself while handing us menus, our waitress placed a basket of bread on the table and pulled a notepad out of her pocket.
"Go for whatever you want, James. Can we start with a pitcher of lager?" Speaking to me while pointing at the beverage list, Erica instantly warmed up to the atmosphere.
"That sounds good." Not wanting to drink too much, I nodded in agreement.
"Make it two pitchers then, and I'm ready to order if that's ok."
"If you're ready, sure." Looking up from her notepad, the waitress glanced at me as if she doubted I was.
"Yeah, I'll get the grilled chicken sandwich with a side of fries." Ordering from memory, I smiled to hide my internal panic.
"That sounds good. I'd like that as well." Returning our menus, Erica smiled back.
"Okay, thank you. I'll be right out with your drinks."
As our waitress walked back to the kitchen, Erica and I discussed the various training modules we were assigned and the contents of the transfer order. Although it's not official yet, she's going to be promoted to manager, while my path to senior will be expedited over the next year. For the time I've been with the company, I can understand not wanting to promote me immediately, but the idea of becoming a pseudo-second-year at a new office almost feels like I'm starting over again. Pausing our conversation as a server set our pitchers down, Erica moved to pour herself a glass. Following suit, I grabbed a stale piece of bread to avoid drinking on an empty stomach. Listening to her complain about the disjointed way we were informed of the transfer, I can't tell if she's already buzzed or finally relaxing after work. I must look awful, struggling to wrap my mind around the situation while she celebrates. I know this is a good thing. I thought Erica might have been playing up her reaction in front of Lupin earlier today, but it seems like she's genuinely excited about this.
"Here you go. Does everything look alright?" Placing our food on the table, the waitress took a step back.
"I think so, yes." Erica quickly checked her plate before responding.
"Let me know if there's anything else I can get for you."
"Thank you." Unwrapping a silverware roll, I placed the napkin on my lap as she walked away.
"There's so much we'll need to do in such a short period. Getting ready to move, reassigning our workload, and saying goodbye to everyone at the office." Pouring herself another glass, Erica leaned across the table to refill mine.
"It's a lot to think about, that's for sure."
"Honestly, It's comforting to know we're both transferring. Making friends in a new office can be difficult since people tend to stick with coworkers who started with them."
"That's true. I'd miss working with Charles, and I live with Matt, so I've got to figure out how this would affect our lease. I know we've got a week to decide, so I'm trying not to get stressed out, but it kind of sounds like you've already accepted." Thinking out loud, I took a sip of beer.
"Yes, I'm going to accept… are you?"
The warm atmosphere surrounding us faded into my periphery, and all excitement over our shared success was instantly replaced with an air of concern. Watching me intently from across the table, Erica quietly put down her sandwich as if she had lost all appetite. This is the worst possible direction our conversation could have taken. I know we've got different priorities, but I could have worded that better. Taking a moment to collect myself, I set my glass down and looked up to meet her gaze. Did I ruin what was supposed to be our celebration? I feel sick. This transfer is too much to decide on in a week, let alone process in a day. I didn't even realize what it could mean for Matt and Bell until a few seconds ago. How do I respond? Erica clearly wants me to accept. She talked about us working together at the new office as if it were a given. I wouldn't be this stressed out if I wasn't genuinely considering it, but now I have to be upfront about my uncertainty.
"I don't know yet… I'm happy to be given this opportunity, don't get me wrong. It's just that my decision affects more than accepting a promotion or transfer." Speaking slowly, I worked through my feelings to give them a reason.
"What more does it affect?" Picking a fry off her plate and sitting back, Erica started eating slowly.
"Getting accepted into med school. The way I live right now is centered around that. Even my apartment is within walking distance of campus. I know it doesn't mean anything, and I can always change paths later, but moving to another city to further a different career…"
"It would feel like you're giving up." Finishing the thought as my voice trailed off, Erica leaned forward to grab another fry.
"Yeah." Biting into my sandwich, the two of us ate in silence.
"The last time we came here, you said I should look for purpose in our work even though everything was falling apart. Then you told me you didn't believe that and only said it to stop us from quitting. I don't think our outcome changed because of a shift in perspective, but I wouldn't accept this if our job still felt worthless. I found happiness, and you told me you felt the same. Was that a lie, too?"
Breaking the silence, Erica brought me back to our conversation at the aquarium. Her frustration makes sense, but hearing it phrased like that hurts. I know there's no real reason to reject the transfer. If I'm working here because I want to, it shouldn't matter if I can't get into med school. Whether I throw this opportunity away or embrace it, I'll have to carry that decision for the rest of my life. Physical circumstances limit my options, but I can choose how to shape my future. In that sense, even if I make the wrong choice, I won't be able to say I did the wrong thing. Finding the right answer would be easy if I knew which path would leave me with fewer regrets. I didn't lie to hurt her, but I can't take my words back, even if the truth causes more pain. It's not a lie. I've found happiness. If I want to move forward, I need to get over myself and accept it.
"No, I feel the same way."
"Then-"
"It's hard to come to terms with giving up after pursuing this dream for so long." Cutting her off, I set my sandwich down.
"I understand. It's not easy to let go of something like that, but it shouldn't stop you from pursuing anything else. So much can come from this outside of a pay raise and career advancement." Sitting up at the table again, Erica emptied a pitcher into her glass.
"The offer is incredible, I know that. It's just so far from my expectations that I don't know how to feel about it." Trying to express my uncertainty in any way that would be satisfying, I reached across the table for our second pitcher.
"James, I said it was comforting to transfer together because I know I can rely on you. You can rely on me too, you know…" Grabbing my hand, she locked eyes with me.
"Yeah..."
"If you're unsure about moving and leaving your current roommates behind, I wouldn't mind looking for an apartment together." Erica briefly tightened her grasp and let go.
Slowly pulling my hand back, the two-fold implication of her suggestion set in. Does Erica want to rent an apartment together? The last time she reached out to me like this, our conversation got cut short. I've ignored these gestures for a while, thinking our intentions might be misaligned, but it's becoming harder to interpret her actions any other way. What would happen if I left my current roommates behind? Surely, they wouldn't continue to exist without me. Matt and Bell are manifestations of my inability to pursue a future. They've said as much. Embracing one career over another would mean I've moved past a need for them. I always knew it would happen in the back of my mind, but over time, I went from wishing they would disappear to enjoying the time we spent together. If I reject the transfer, will they stay with me for a little longer? Do I need to leave part of myself behind to move forward?
"That sounds nice. I don't want to commit to a decision yet, but I'll probably accept the transfer with time."
"You will?!" As Erica's eyes lit up with excitement, a comforting warmth washed over our booth, and the restaurant's colorful atmosphere returned.
"I'm leaning toward it, at least." Smiling, I waved our waitress over to ask for the check.
"I'm glad." Erica smiled back.
Relieved that I was able to defuse the conversation, I shifted to topics outside of work. Being forced to reason with my feelings helped bring the situation into focus, although understanding what I should do has never been an issue. Only when I follow that answer to its conclusion do I start to reject it, wondering if I made the wrong choice somewhere along the way. I have to leave something behind, professionally and interpersonally, and decide what that means to me. By the time our waitress returned, we had finished our meals and emptied the pitchers. Erica demanded to pay the bill, insisting this was thanks for helping recover our work over vacation. Even though Matt isn't here, and it felt more like a celebration of the transfer, I let her have it. Sliding my coat on and making sure I had everything I brought with me, I led us out of the restaurant and back toward the station. We ate for a little over an hour, but in that short time, the sky had turned pitch black, and the temperature plummeted. As we walked in a hurried silence back to the station, the wind whistled past in bitter gusts, piercing my lungs with each breath. I don't know if the harsh weather is sobering or if the conversation earlier stopped us from drinking too much, but we're carrying ourselves much better than last time.
"Thanks for dinner." Scanning my pass, I entered the subway and turned to Erica.
"It was fun. We should go out more often."
"Are you going to let me pay next time?"
"If you invite me…"
"I'll keep that in mind." Laughing softly, I pulled out my phone to check arrival times.
"I think that one is yours." Erica nodded as the breaking sound of a train approached us.
"Yeah, will you be ok? or…"
"You don't have to wait for me, James. I'll see you tomorrow." Smiling, Erica waved goodbye.
"I'll see you then." Waving back, I stepped off the platform and grabbed an empty pair of seats.
Closing my eyes, I began to sway with the train as it pulled away. I feel lightheaded as if I'm falling while sitting in place. Maybe I'm not carrying myself as well as I thought. Honestly, I don't even remember why I wanted to pursue the medical field in the first place. It was a respectable option that everyone pushed on me until it became the obvious choice. Somewhere along the way, I had put enough effort in that looking for anything else became absurd. Now, I feel just as wrong for considering turning down the transfer. If I didn't want it for myself, maybe it's ok to leave it behind. If that's my choice, then I never had much of one to begin with. I might not be drunk, but rehashing everything in this silence is disorienting. Why do I feel so ambivalent about letting everything go? Stumbling off the train at my stop, I stopped to collect myself and started walking home.
-bzzt-
Pulling my phone out of my pocket, Erica had sent me a text.
"I was looking through my photos on the way home and realized I hadn't sent you this." Opening her message, I was greeted by the picture we took at the aquarium.
"I forgot about that, too. Thanks."
"No problem. I'll see you at work tomorrow!"
Downloading the photo, I sent a quick response and put my phone away. It looks awkward because Matt and Bell refused to be in the shot. Is that why I feel apprehensive? I'm no longer afraid to give up part of myself, but I don't want to lose them. If they need to disappear completely, a sign of their absence would be enough evidence that they impacted me. If that's the inevitable outcome, a new office would be nice. Maybe I need a fresh start and a clean slate. Not entirely unfamiliar, like Erica said when she reached out earlier, it'll be comforting to know someone there I can depend on. Since we'll be transferring together, I need to work through my feelings and respond to hers. Looking up as I climbed the stairs to my apartment, I became overwhelmed with comfort and a tinge of remorse. Why are the lights on? If Matt and Bell are still here, that must mean I haven't moved forward. If the transfer is what I want, what do I have to overcome to accept it? Reaching into my pocket, I grabbed my keychain from the aquarium and hastily unlocked the door.
"Matt, Bell?" Closing the door behind me and taking off my shoes, I called out to them.
"We're in the living room." Matt's voice echoed from down the hallway.
"Ok…"
Pulling a hanger from the closet for my coat, I came to an unsettling understanding. I don't want to move forward. Rereading my messages with Erica, there's nothing more to say. I know I'm consciously stalling to avoid an inevitable confrontation, but I would stand in this hallway all night if I could. It's not like I don't want to tell Matt and Bell what happened today and where I want to go from here. If anything, there's no one I want to talk more to than them. They always understand what I'm struggling with, so I'm sure they can help me come to terms with it. Walking toward the living room, I paused to place my briefcase on the floor and hesitantly turned the corner to greet them.
"How was dinner?" Matt smiled at me from the couch.
"It was good, thank you." As I sat down in an empty chair, my voice wavered.
"It's pretty nasty out there. I'm glad you got back safe." Bell glanced at me with concern.
"Yeah, you too…"
"He didn't…" Matt's voice trailed off.
"Are you ok? What's wrong?" Sitting upright, Bell turned off the TV.
"I don't know... I need your help."