One of the best parts about time away from work is staying up late into the night and sleeping through the morning. Although, I may have overdone it yesterday by playing party games with Matt and Bell until 6 AM. Only going to bed after getting a headache from staying up so late. I still managed to get a full night's rest afterward, so I'm more than ready to meet everyone at the aquarium. But it feels weird to look out the window and see the sun setting only a few hours after waking up.
"Here we are." As the train slowed to a stop, Matt stood up beside me, and the three of us exited onto the platform.
"So, James, what made you want to invite everyone to the aquarium?" Exiting the subway together, Bell tapped me on the back and began to walk next to me.
"He got pressured into doing this by Charles on our way home from work." Matt turned his head to the side, answering Bell from in front of us.
"Even though Charles isn't coming?"
"That's not…" Sighing, I shook my head and turned to Bell.
"That's not why. Yes, Charles suggested we do something over the break, but I wanted to do it with you guys. That's why I'm not going by myself."
"Ah… well… I'm not sure what to say, but thanks. We rarely get to spend time like this together, so I'm glad you invited us along." Smiling, Bell ran forward to join Matt.
As I watched the two of them talk and laugh in front of me, I smiled back. Living with roommates is tiresome. I have to put up with their arguments and change my life to accommodate theirs. But it's also wonderful. If not for Matt and Bell, I probably would have spent my entire break cooped up inside the apartment. Did Charles pressure me into inviting everyone somewhere today? I don't think so. He may have helped me find a location, but Matt and Bell gave me a reason to go.
"Here we are." As the sidewalk widened and the aquarium came into view, Matt walked up to the ticket booth and began asking the employee about event admittance.
"It looks like we might be the first ones here." Talking to Bell, I began scanning the crowd for Erica and Callie.
"You think? We did arrive on time, and it isn't like Callie to be-"
"James!" Running up to meet me, Callie called out my name, cutting off Bell in the process.
"I was wondering when you would show up, but knowing you, it would be right on time. I actually heard about this event from one of my friends in class a while back. So I was really surprised when you called and invited me to go with you. Not that I didn't want to go or anything like that. I mean, I considered inviting you the other day, but I thought that might have been too much since I had already spent half the night at your place…"
As she rambled on about the event, Callie reached into her coat pocket and pulled out a wallet. Looking at her again, I almost took a step back in shock. Callie is not normally the kind to pay much attention to her outfit, often throwing on seemingly random clothing items. But today, everything she is wearing looks meticulously matched, from her coat to her shoes. Even her hair was tied back, with two short braids running along her ears reddened from the cold.
"Ah, here they are." Pulling two tickets out of her wallet, Callie looked up at me once more.
"Oh, you didn't have to get-"
"Alright, James, Bell, we should be good to go once everyone is here." Tapping me on the shoulder, Matt held out a ticket and turned to Callie.
"How are you doing today? I hope we didn't keep you waiting long."
"Oh, I didn't see you two over there… I'm doing alright, though. Thanks for asking." Callie's smile began to fade as she looked down at the tickets in her hand.
"I didn't know anyone other than James would be here, so I bought tickets for the both of us earlier…"
"I'm sorry, Callie, I should have explained who was all coming today over the phone. Here, let me pay you back for that." Reaching into my wallet, I hurried to pay Callie for the extra ticket. I don't want something small like this to ruin the mood.
"That's funny. I didn't know anyone other than James would be here either." A familiar voice rang out from behind me as I began handing Callie back some cash.
Turning around, I was greeted by a warm smile and wink. Wearing a winter jacket with knee-high boots and her hair let down, Erica looks more relaxed outside work hours, almost as if she is a completely different person. Although remembering how she acted the night we went out to drink after work, that should be expected.
"Oh, uh… Erica, right?" Peering out from behind me, Callie began to shift forward.
"How have you been? James told me work has been more enjoyable for him lately, so I guess things must be going better now than earlier this year."
"For sure. I think Matt can attest to that too." As she moved closer to join the group, Erica waved and greeted Matt.
"I happened to overhear that we have an extra ticket. You wouldn't mind if I bought it from you instead?"
"Oh, sure." As Erica pulled out her wallet, Callie walked forward to hand her the ticket.
"Ah, that solves everything nicely. Thanks, Erica." Looking around at the group, I began to smile.
The plan to come here may have been rushed and underprepared. But, everything worked out in the end. Maybe Charles was right after all. Being able to go somewhere and experience something with all my friends is not an opportunity to pass up. Looking at everyone in front of me, I felt nothing but excitement. This is already looking like it will be a day to remember.
"Is everyone ready to go then? It's getting a bit cold out here." Motioning to the entrance, Bell rubbed his hands together.
"Yeah, I've been looking forward to this all day!" Walking forward, Erica grabbed my hand and began to pull me toward the aquarium.
"Wha-"
Almost in unison, Callie and I stuttered out in shock as I stumbled forward to keep up with Erica. Glancing behind me, Matt shrugged and followed after the two of us with Bell, while Callie quickly stashed away her wallet and ran to catch up with the group.
"Watch your step. They cut all the lights except the ones lining the floor and inside exhibits." As I began to walk next to Erica, her grip loosened up.
That's right. I had forgotten low lighting was an aspect of the event, along with only allowing admittance to adults. Yet, despite the dimness surrounding me, I found myself focusing more on Erica's hand than my footing. It's often said that by removing one of your senses, the others heighten to compensate for what was lost, but this felt different. The softness of her embrace was almost blinding as she pulled me from one exhibit to another. As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I scanned the room for the rest of our group, but the two of us were alone.
"Oh, James, look! They're feeding the penguins." Dropping my hand, Erica pointed at an employee tossing fish from a bucket.
"If we get on the moving sidewalk up ahead, we can get a better view." Motioning for her to join me, the two of us stepped onto the walkway and began to slowly move across the exhibit.
"It isn't very fast, but looking back, we have gone quite a ways, haven't we?"
"I think most things work like that." Turning to face me, Erica leaned on the guardrail and sighed.
"At least they have at work."
"I guess so… You know, I never truly thought we would complete everything on time. Back then… months ago, when you asked me if I thought it was worth staying at our job, I lied. I was scared that if I explained my true thoughts on the situation, you would agree, leading to both of us quitting. I think about that sometimes. If I told you the full truth, maybe you would have left and become happier."
Words flowed from my mouth without a second thought, the weight of my guilt pouring out from months of buildup. I can't take any of it back, and I'm terrified of her thinking poorly of me. But the more I speak, the more weight I feel lifted from my chest. Why is it so easy to apologize once everything is over? Taking a step forward, I leaned on the guardrail. If I am asking for forgiveness, why can't I look her in the eyes?
"James, it's ok..." Erica looked at me and sighed once more.
"I've become happier because you convinced me to stick with our job longer. Please don't worry about other potential outcomes of the past. What you said to me back then increased my motivation, and our team was able to complete the project on time."
"That wasn't me, though… It was a group effort that allowed us to finish everything on schedule. All I did was speculate and hope that everything would work out if we tried hard enough. Would you still feel the same if things had turned out differently and we failed?" Turning to face Erica, I felt a sinking sensation in my stomach as I finally built up the courage to look her in the eyes.
"...Yes."
"But-"
"James, I wouldn't have stayed… I wouldn't have continued to work there without you. Finding purpose and enjoyment in your job is fulfilling. But that means nothing if you don't enjoy working with the other people there. That's why I asked you if both of us should quit. Sure, I'm happy everything worked out, but what really makes me happy is getting to succeed with people I like. I didn't stay because you said we could finish everything on time. I stayed because that's what you did too." Cutting me off, Erica shook her head and smiled.
"That makes me feel a lot better. Honestly, over the last few months, I've grown to genuinely enjoy work, and a large part of that is due to everyone on the team. So I'm glad you feel that way too." As I smiled back, a wave of relief rushed over me.
"You're enjoying work now?" A confused expression crossed Erica's face.
"Yeah?"
"I remember you said that you didn't want to work in software anymore and were trying to get accepted into med school. Is that still the case… Or do you think you will stay and work with us longer? Now that you are enjoying it more…" Erica's voice trailed off as she glanced across the exhibit.
Turning to see where she was looking, I stood up and stepped back. For a moment, I had almost forgotten the two of us were not the only ones who came to the aquarium. From across the dimly lit room, Bell was leaning on a wall near the exit, waiting for us to get off the walkway and watching us talk. I wonder what he would have to say about me finding enjoyment at work while still applying to med school.
"..." Erica turned back to me, looking for an answer.
"I guess I don't know yet. I used to think that there was only one path I wanted for myself, but it was barred for me. Finding enjoyment at our current job was unexpected, and it has me reconsidering wanting to leave at all. Maybe med school isn't the only path to happiness for me. Although, there isn't much of a choice to be made now anyway." Looking away from Bell, I watched the employee pick up their empty bucket and leave the exhibit.
"Haha. It sounds like your reasoning from last time changed, but your answer hasn't." As the two of us stepped off the walkway, Erica laughed.
"Yeah, but that's because our situation has gotten better. I'm no longer staying because I can't get into med school. I'm staying because I want to." Stepping off to the side, I shook my head and smiled.
"Well… when it comes to figuring these things out, you have helped me more than enough. So if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm more than willing to return the favor."
"Thanks, Erica, that means a lot." Turning towards the exit, I began to look for Bell.
"James!" peering through the doorway, Callie called out my name and waved.
"Come over here and look at the jellyfish with me."
As I glanced around the room for Bell again, I felt an unnerving sensation. Was he waiting for us to get off the walkway or watching us talk about work? Maybe Callie was looking for us, so he went to get her after finding out where we were. Either way, I would have liked to talk to him before he disappeared.
"You better not keep her waiting." Erica chuckled.
"Yeah, sure." Walking forward, I smiled and waved back.
"Wha-" As I began to lower my hand, Callie reached out and grabbed it.
"Got you."
"Oh?" Lifting our hands, I lightly squeezed hers and smirked.
"I guess you do."
"C'mon, the jellyfish are in the next room over here. You should see the way they light up in the dark." Smiling back, Callie began to walk toward the next exhibit.
Stumbling forward, I found myself getting dragged around the aquarium in the dark once more. Although by now, my eyes had adjusted properly. Looking around, we were surrounded by couples. Is that because the event is only open to adults, or because it's Christmas Eve? Matt seemed surprised that I had invited him along yesterday, so maybe he had assumed the event would look something like this. Is that why he is avoiding me, to give us time alone?
"I wonder if we look like a couple right now."
"Wha-" Tightening her grip on my hand, Callie stuttered out in shock.
"You know… walking around holding hands like this and all." Looking away from her, I hid my face in embarrassment.
"You can let go if you want…" Callie's voice trailed off.
"So can you…"
As we approached the jellyfish exhibit in awkward silence, I began to appreciate the lack of lighting more. My face is burning up, and I don't want Callie to see me flustered. Pulling me closer to peer in the window of the tank together, her hand feels unusually warm. Maybe Callie doesn't want me to see her face either.
"The way they glow is almost mesmerizing." Callie's breath formed a fog on the window as she stared at the jellyfish.
"Yeah, It's like watching fireworks in slow motion." Reaching forward with my free hand, I wiped the glass clear.
"Although, you aren't able to see much like that."
"Heh." Stifling a laugh under her breath, Callie moved further away from the glass.
"Thanks... For always helping me out."
"You help me too, you know. Without you, I probably wouldn't have tried applying to med school again." Forcing a smile, I saw my reflection in the glass and backed away.
"It makes me happy I was able to be there for you. But all I wanted was to use your experience to raise my chances of acceptance. So in the end, I should still be the one thanking you." Looking up at me, Callie tilted her head to the side.
"You shouldn't put so much faith in me. I still failed last year and-"
"Not this again." Sighing, she cut me off mid-sentence.
"You can't blame yourself for not getting accepted. I mean, you can apply again for a reason, right? Unlucky things happen to everyone from time to time, so please don't give up. I know our grades and effort are enough to get us both into the school we want. It may not happen the first or even the second time, but if you keep giving it your all, you will get in eventually."
Announcing her thoughts like demands, Callie looked me straight in the eye. It was as if she was directly transferring her desires and beliefs into me. Staring back, I found myself grabbing onto the hope behind every word. Hearing her reassurance about the failures I've struggled to recover from for so long was nothing but captivating. If the jellyfish were mesmerizing, then Callie was hypnotic.
"Thanks… For helping me stay motivated to pursue my dream. Even when I lost the will to reach out for it myself." Wiping a tear from my eye, I looked back at the exhibit and was met with a genuine smile in my reflection.
"Of course, I know you would do the same for me." Squeezing my hand and letting go, Callie stepped forward and hugged me.
"We will start getting results back in about two weeks. Until then, all we can do is wait and hope, so don't worry about it too much. If we get lucky, both of us will get accepted, and we can attend school together this fall." Looking past me, Callie pulled back and started to walk toward the next exhibit.
"Yeah, that sounds nice…" As I began to follow after her, I felt a familiar hand on my shoulder.
"Can I talk to you for a minute?"
"Huh?" Turning around to look behind me, Bell's hand fell off my shoulder.
"Oh, Bell. Is there a problem?"
"I just want to… How about we find a place to sit down first." Scanning the room, Bell found an empty bench to the side and waved me toward it.
Sitting down to talk, this must be a larger issue than I initially thought. Although, I don't even know what could be bothering him. Is that a sign that I'm a bad friend? Was he trying to find time to talk earlier when I was with Erica, but I ignored him? I had wondered where he disappeared to, so it isn't like I don't care. But if Matt is avoiding me, why would Bell be trying to pull me aside?
"I just wanted to make sure you're doing alright." Sighing as we sat down, Bell looked at me and smiled weakly.
"What? Yeah, I think so. Why?" Shaking my head in confusion, I turned to look at him.
"You look distressed, or at least stuck and unable to move forward."
"You can tell?"
"Kind of. It's like I'm watching myself struggle after all." Shrugging, Bell leaned back against the wall.
"But I wanted to ask and make sure before I jumped to any conclusions."
"Well… I guess I am feeling somewhat lost right now, but it's nothing bad."
"Nothing bad?" Bell's eyebrows furrowed as he looked at me.
"Over the last few months, I've become happy at work. Enough that I am honestly considering pursuing it as a full-time career and giving up on med school. But… I don't want to go to med school any less… if that makes any sense. I guess I've become stuck deciding what I really want to do with my life." Rubbing my forehead, I closed my eyes and leaned against the wall.
"Sorry if it sounds like I am creating a problem out of nothing."
"Not at all." Bell's face relaxed as he moved to reassure me.
"I think it is important to follow your desires in life, whether that leads you to struggle or succeed. For a while, you've mostly been struggling. Both in getting your work done on time at the office and getting accepted into med school. I'm glad that you can see past those issues and are able to find some happiness in both paths now."
"Is it even ok for me to consider giving up on my past goals? I still want to pursue med school, but I can't do that and commit to my current job at the same time. How am I supposed to know which option is right for me?" Leaning forward in my seat, I stared at the ground.
"James, If your goals and desires shift or change, that doesn't make any new or past dreams less valid." Patting me on the back, Bell nodded in confirmation.
Thanks for reassuring me, Bell. But what should I do to move forward if I'm stuck like this?" Turning my head to look at him, I shook my head in frustration.
"I can't tell you what you should do. I can only advise you to choose a path that will make you truly happy. Which option of the two is better for you? That's something only you can decide." As Bell's initial worry was replaced by a smile, he began rattling off distinct yet familiar sets of advice.
"All I believe is that you should pursue a future you desire. At least, it beats doing nothing and hoping for the current situation to work out in the end. Most often than not, that only leads to suffering in the present."
I'll have to figure the answer out for myself? I've been told that more than once over the last few months and never really understood what was meant by it. For the longest time, I thought Matt and Bell were intruding on my life, breaking up the peace and creating chaos in its place. But looking back, they've each been there in their own way, trying to help me find happiness. Even now, I had thought Bell pulled me aside to create trouble when he ended up doing so to help me clear my thoughts and ease my concerns. The two of them may understand my struggles on a personal level, but they each have their own solutions. I have to find the right answer for myself, not by myself.
"Thanks, Bell. I needed to hear that." Standing up, I turned around and smiled.
"Anytime."
"You know, you…" Realizing I was thinking out loud, my voice trailed off.
"Hm?" Bell's face filled with concern again.
"You aren't a bad guy." Looking at the ground in embarrassment, I finished my thought.
"Hahaha! Neither are you, James."
As Bell laughed and waved goodbye, the two of us parted ways, and I found myself alone for the first time tonight. Walking in the direction Callie had left, I couldn't find her anywhere. I hope she doesn't think I ditched her on purpose. Pulling out my phone, I quickly sent a text explaining Bell had pulled me aside for a bit, but we could reconvene if she wanted.
-bzzt-
That was fast. Callie had responded before I could even put my phone back in my pocket. Was she waiting for me to say something or just using her phone at the time?
"Sounds good. I'm currently in the gift shop if you want to meet up."
"On my way." Sending a reply, I put my phone away and started walking toward the aquarium exit.
Although this is my first time visiting the aquarium, I know where to find the gift shop. Passing one on your way out is a given, and for that reason, I have always disliked gift shops. Filled to the brim with overpriced clothing, plushies, and items you can find elsewhere for less. They are a frustrating last-minute attempt to take more of your money. But at the same time, the items you purchase from them can help you remember a moment fondly for years. Does hating them while still using them make me a hypocrite? Probably.
"Whaddya think?" Callie shoved a blue jellyfish plushie into my hands as I entered the gift shop.
"You like it?" Briefly looking it over, I handed it back to her.
"It seems well made."
"Yeah, I liked the dolphin one too. But this will remind me of tonight better, so I'll choose it instead." Walking across the shop, Callie got in line for the cash register.
"You don't have to stand in line with me if you don't want to. I know you haven't gotten a chance to look around yet."
"That's alright. I doubt there is anything here I would be willing to wear anyway." Smiling and shrugging, I turned to a keychain display near the register.
"Hmm… Actually, what do you think of these?" Picking a jellyfish design from the rack, I handed it to Callie.
"I thought there wasn't anything here you were interested in." Grinning at me, Callie nodded in approval.
"Yeah, yeah… We don't have anything to put our apartment keys on right now, so this might be nice." Shaking my head, I picked out a keychain for Bell, Matt, and myself.
As the two of us approached the register and paid for our things, a voice came over the aquarium intercom announcing that the event was ending in thirty minutes. Pulling out my phone and looking at the time, a chill went down my spine. How did two hours pass so quickly? I know I spent a lot of time wandering around and talking to people, but that still didn't feel right. Does time actually go that fast when you are having fun?
-bzzt-
"Ah, I got a text from Matt.'' Turning to Callie, I began to read the message out loud.
"Bell and Erica are looking at some tropical fish with me if you want to reconvene."
"Yeah, we can head over there now." Nodding in agreement, Callie put her plushie in a gift bag, and the two of us exited the shop.
Upon meeting up, the five of us proceeded to finish as much of the aquarium as we could in the remaining time. Trying to see every exhibit during the extended event hours was probably an impossible goal from the start. Although, I didn't invite everyone here because I wanted to see some fish. I did it to make memories with my friends, and that's more than worth the admittance fee. I don't know what the future holds for any of us, but if we are all still friends next year, I want to do something like this again.
"I think it's about time." With the event winding down and exhibits slowly closing around us, Matt turned to the group and zipped his coat up.
"Yeah, If I remember correctly, the exit is this way." Waving everyone toward him, Bell led the group back to the gift shop.
"Oh, it's snowing!" Walking outside first, Erica spun around to face us and leaned forward.
"Isn't that perfect?"
"Just in time for Christmas tomorrow." Pulling gloves out of her coat pockets, Callie looked up at the night sky.
"There you go, Matt. Isn't this what you wanted back at the office?" Exiting the building last, I jokingly patted Matt on the back and smiled.
"All we need now is a picture to bring it full circle."
"Yeah, yeah..." Chuckling and shaking his head, Matt held a hand out and watched as the snow melted in his palm.
"That's a great idea, James." Pulling out her phone, Erica walked up to me.
"Is there a good spot around here where we can take a group photo? I'd love something to remember today by."
"Does that bench in front of the sign by the entrance work?" Speaking up from behind Erica, Callie pointed at a perfect location.
"Good eye, Callie." Smiling, Erica selected the camera app on her phone and held it out to the group.
"Should we take turns holding the camera to get everyone in?"
"Ah… I think Bell and I will sit out on this, but I'd be more than willing to take the photo for you three." As he held out his hand, Erica passed Matt the phone.
"Are you sure neither of you want to be in the picture?" Shaking my head in confusion, I looked back and forth between Matt and Bell.
"Yeah, I'm sure, don't worry about us. It would look weird if we took up space in it." Pushing me forward, Bell guided me toward the bench.
"Speaking of space, this only seats two people. How are the three of you going to pose?"
"Should we stand behind James while he sits on the bench to even out our heights?" Straightening her hair, Erica motioned to Callie and walked behind me.
"Sounds good to me."
As Callie joined Erica, both of them placed a hand on my shoulder and smiled for the camera. Getting suddenly held in place, I felt a familiar yet uncomfortable urge to jump forward and break free. But all I can do is smile and hope this gets over quickly. Why do the seconds before a picture is taken feel like entire minutes? Sitting in a still moment, Bell's excuse echoed in my head. Why would the picture look weird with him or Matt joining us? I can't imagine it looks normal now, considering the pose we are striking.
"I think I got it!" Lowering the phone, Matt ran forward and handed it back to Erica.
"Yeah! That looks nice. Thanks, Matt." Quickly scanning the photo for errors, Erica smiled and held it out so Callie and I could see.
"I'll send that to you both later."
"Sure." Zipping up my coat, I shivered and turned to the group once more.
"Well… It's getting a little cold and a little late, but thank you all for coming on short notice."
"Not a problem at all, James. I had fun." Grabbing her gift bag with one hand and waving goodbye with the other, Callie began to walk home.
"Me too. I wouldn't mind doing something like this again." As Erica nodded in agreement, the four of us began to make our way back to the subway.
Looking at the night sky filled with ambient city light and snow, a wave of peace and relief washed over me. I used to hate goodbyes like this as a kid. Enough that I would loathe the end of playdates and cry when parting ways with extended family. Although, I grew out of that quickly after gaining the ability to visit people whenever I wanted. Shoving my hands in my coat pockets, I held the keychains purchased from the gift shop. Christmas may be tomorrow, but I want to give these to Matt and Bell tonight. I guess I haven't grown out of impatience yet.
"Is that our train?" Scanning his pass and entering the subway first, Bell looked back at us.
"It is. We need to go." Rushing forward, Matt waved at me to join him.
"Shit. I'll see you back at the office, Erica." Running to catch up, I quickly turned around and shouted goodbye.
"Haha, I'll see you then." As Erica chuckled, the three of us made it on board at the last second, and the train took off.
"Aaah" Sighing, Bell walked past me and collapsed in a seat next to Matt.
"It's a good thing the subway isn't as busy at night. I wouldn't have wanted to push my way through a crowd back there."
"If that happened, we would have ended up waiting for the next train." Leaning back in his seat, Matt crossed his arms and closed his eyes.
"Well… everything seemed to work out in the end, and that's all I can ask for." Looking at the advertisements lining the train ceiling, I noticed one for the aquarium and smiled.
"Did you manage to make the kind of memories you were hoping for?" Opening one eye and smirking, Matt tilted his head toward me.
"Yeah, I did. I think I'll remember going there and having fun with everyone for a long time." Turning to Matt and Bell, I reached into my pockets and pulled out the keychains.
"It's a couple of hours early for gifts, but since you brought it up, I actually got something for each of us to remember today by."
"Oh?" Sitting upright, Bell leaned past Matt to look at me.
"It's not a lot, but none of us have keychains for our apartment keys. So I bought a set from the gift shop." As I handed Matt a penguin and Bell a dolphin design, the three of us pulled out our keys and clipped them to the rings.
"It looks nice. Thanks, James."
"Yeah, I wasn't expecting anything like this. It means a lot."
Admiring their new keychains, Matt and Bell sat in silence. I may not have spent much time with either of them tonight, but I'm glad they came along. Matt avoided me to provide uninterrupted time with Callie and Erica, while Bell pulled me aside after noticing I was second-guessing myself. They act in direct contrast, yet their goal of helping me find happiness is essentially the same. Looking back at everything they've done, the gifts I gave are nothing in comparison. I'm still unsure what path my future holds, but I'm confident both of them will support me until I find an answer.
"I'm glad you like them. That makes me happy."