Jamie
The hours were ticking by so painfully slow; I could barely believe it. Why was it that when you needed time to move fast, it seemed to read your wishes and do exactly the opposite?
It had been at least 3 hours since my wife had been brought here, and we still knew nothing about what was going on. This made me feel very antsy.
On top of that, my body was beginning to truly feel the effects of all the stress we had gone through in the last – I didn´t even know how long it had been anymore – hours, I guess, and all I wanted to do was lay on one of the chairs, roll into the fetal position and just let go of all. I knew I could not give myself such a pleasure when my two treasures, my kids, were depending on me, but a man could dream.
What I truly did, though, was simply lay sitting in my chair, unmoving, with my legs sprawled and with each of my kids huddled against me.
Our emotions, theirs and mine, were so all over the place, that we truly didn´t know how we were feeling anymore. In my case, I had cried so much that my eyes were puffed almost shut, and as for my kids, it seemed that they had already reached their limit, so now they were simply staring sightlessly at the wall opposite us, as we waited for something to happen.
It was in this miserable state that my parents found us as they walked through the entrance sliding doors. Immediately, my mother rushed to me and took me into her arms, and the feeling of her warmth and comfort first reminded me of what I had felt when that breeze had embraced me, and then it drew from me all the pain, anger, despair and impotence I felt at that moment. In the meantime, while I cried without stopping against my mother´s soothing arms, I saw my father drawing my babies to him and hugging them with all his might.
We had been thus entangled, sharing every bit of sorrow and pain that we had stored inside us, when we heard the opening mechanism of the automatic doors working again and we saw my beloved in-laws, Stefan and Sophie, walking in and looking as if they had aged about a hundred years in a matter of hours. Of course, I fully knew why that was, and while I asked my parents to please take my children to the vending machines and get them something, I approached the couple rapidly and then took them both into my arms.
No words were uttered during this first exchange because none were truly necessary. For what words could have truly expressed the pain that went so deep that it felt as if a sword had been sunk into your very soul?
I knew full well that if there were any two people who might be feeling as if their world had been turned upside down it was Stefan and Sophie, who had fought tooth and nail not only to conceive Emily but also to protect her from her bad choices. However, after what had happened, I was sure that they felt as if all their efforts had been pointless.
Sophie´s face, I saw as I moved away from the two of them, was as white as a sheet and marked by the tracks her now dried tears had left behind. And Stefan – although he had not uttered a word – looked as if a truck had run him over. That´s how aggrieved he was.
They, of course, asked me how I was and how my children were, but I think that what they saw in my eyes told them more than anything else could have.
Suddenly Sophie took me back into her arms and began to cry. And despite the fact that it was hard to understand, I realized that she had been muttering something that sounded a lot like an apology to me as if she thought that what Emily had done was somehow her fault. Stefan, on his part, literally, and clearly said that he was sorry about what had happened and then took his wife back into his arms when she had finally released me.
I then stared at both of them for several seconds as if they had grown a new head, unable to believe what I had heard. How in the world could they possibly believe that I, or anyone else for that matter, would think that any of this could have been their fault? And so, wishing to set that record straight, I simply uttered lowly, so that none of the others could hear, "This was no one´s fault and especially not yours. How could it have been? You taught Emily the preciousness of life, but despite your efforts, Emily made this choice. So, this, in reality, is no one´s fault,"
However, it seemed that Sophie refused to let go of her shame and guilt, even though I knew she should feel neither, and so, coming closer to me again, and placing her hand gently on my cheek, said, "We know that we did all that we could to help Emily through that sadness that began to eat her alive. However, even though I know that in truth this is neither yours nor our fault, I cannot help but feel ashamed about the choice that my daughter made, hurting those she loved most. It is the thoughtlessness of that choice, the lack of consideration for the pain of others, and her lack of reflection on how her decision would affect so many around her, that I feel sorry for. Moreover, I feel sorry because we both became aware of the warning signs, and we did not intervene in time so that this tragedy could have been prevented."
"No, Sophie, please, neither you, nor Stefan, or anyone else for that matter, could have foreseen this. I mean, I did see things that had me worried, and even my children said so. But none of us could have ever imagined Emily would attempt this." And then I added, "Of course, only you, the children, Father Gregor, and I know the truth. My parents think it was an accident, and that is what I wish for all of us to tell others. I do not want anyone to judge Emily for what she did. I have to admit I have gone through several stages of rage and disappointment towards her, but I will never allow anything, or anyone, to tarnish her reputation. Whatever led her to this, does not change the amazing woman, mother, daughter, and wife that she is."
At my words, fresh tears brimmed over Sophie´s eyes, and her hand, which was very cold and shaky, squeezed against my cheek a bit tighter, conveying how she felt towards me. Stefan, on his part, patted my shoulder and silently thanked me for what I had just said.
Not too long after our exchange, my children approached and each went to their maternal grandparents to hug them and cry in their arms, sharing with them their grief and their fear.
While this heartbreaking exchange took place, I looked around the almost deserted waiting room of the emergency department but realized that the one person I had wanted to see the most at this time, had not yet arrived. So, while my parents and Emily´s shared some time with my kids, I went towards my old seat, and sat there, feeling exhaustion taking over. I so wanted to close my eyes and pretend that all this was just a bad dream, a nightmare I would soon wake up from. But I knew it was not so.
This realization, the wave of acknowledgment that washed through me at that instant, made my carefully built walls crumble and I broke down again like a child. The mere idea of my Emily, my precious love, leaving me, was so scary that it almost paralyzed me. And I prayed with all my might that God would listen to my prayer and save my beloved Emily.
"Family of Mrs. Emily Summers?" we all suddenly heard a feminine voice calling out, and I could not help but release a sigh of relief and think, "at last". Then, as if an electric shock had jumpstarted my entire being I turned my head to stare at the woman who had just entered the waiting room from the door to the ER department dressed in scrubs and holding a clipboard.
A frisson went down my spine as I realized who this person was. The look in her eyes, the tiredness and seriousness of her demeanor told me all I needed to know about her, and about the news she was coming to relay; it seemed evident that it was not good.
Despite the exhaustion and fear that were trying to devour me alive, I stood from where I was and slowly began to approach the patiently awaiting young doctor.
During what seemed the longest walk of my life, I took the time to evaluate those around me and saw that my son and daughter had almost plastered themselves to Emily´s parents, while my mother and father seemed glued to the floor, unwilling to move forward. The doctor looked to all of us with a knowing look in her eyes, and simply called us one more time.
Manning up, because that was all I had left, I finally took the remaining steps that separated me from the young doctor and cleared my throat nervously. She responded to my evident effort by delivering a soft smile. Then, she too cleared her throat.
"Are you Mr. Jamie Summers?" She asked gently.
"Yeah, that would be me," I answered, gulping repeatedly, while I held my hands together to stop them from shaking. At that same moment, I felt someone moving closer to me, and I turned to see that all my family had done so to hear. Samantha and Brian huddled next to me and looked at the nice and gentle doctor, who smiled kindly back.
"I´m sorry," I said to the doctor, unsure if she would not want to have them all listening in to what she had to tell me, "this is my children and my parents and in-laws. Please, let us all know what is going on."
The nice doctor smiled again and then said, "It is no problem at all, Mr. Summers, please do not apologize or explain why your family would also want to hear the news about your relative.
"So, before anything else, let me introduce myself. My name is Katherine Young, and I am the doctor who received your wife Mr. Summers."
I extended my hand to her, and she shook it, then she repositioned her clipboard, took a look at the information in it, and then prepared herself once more to deliver her news.
"Okay, well, as I just told you, I received Mrs. Emily Summers a little more than an hour ago, and I had not had the chance to come to talk to you because as you are aware the circumstances were very difficult. What I can tell you right now is that your wife is a very, very lucky person and that someone must have been looking over her, because nothing else would explain how she survived any of this. It is more than clear that her time has not yet come, and we were able to stabilize her enough to send her on to surgery."
"Doctor, I know this sounds strange, but is she truly alive?" I asked and then blushed, uttering a soft sorry.
Everyone, except my children, looked at me as if I had lost my mind. And I was more than aware that my question sounded extremely weird. But the three of us, unlike the others, had been witnesses to something that was beyond our comprehension, and it was still hard to believe we had been granted such a blessing.
"I´m sorry, I know it sounds weird for me to be asking that question, but doctor, my wife was pulled out of that fall without any vital signs, and then, all of a sudden, she came back to life! When she was placed in the helicopter her signs were weak, that´s what the medics told us when they loaded her. So, besides the miracle that happened at that fall, she managed to pull through?"
The doctor, my parents, and Sophie and Stefan all looked at us, but most particularly at me, as if I had lost my mind, and it was then that I ardently wished that Father Gregor were here. He, and he alone would understand and be able to explain the situation surrounding Emily. Yet, he had not arrived.
The doctor rapidly caught on to what I was really asking, and to my real feelings, and leading me gently towards one of the chairs she sat beside me and said, "Mr. Summers, there´s no need to apologize, or to explain anything. I understand perfectly why you would react the way you just did. And I have to say, I would have done so too, given what I saw.
"Yes, your wife is alive, and yes, she pulled through what we did in there to stabilize her. But I have to be honest with you, she is literally hanging on by a thread. Or, if I may say this - sorry if I offend but there is no other explanation, medically speaking - someone is holding her on to life."
My heart began to beat very fast, and as if I had just been filled by an electrical charge, I grabbed the doctor´s hands in mine without even realizing it, and with an over-excited voice, asked, "Do you think she will make it through this? Do you think that she will be able to survive?"
The doctor cleared her throat, and then looked at our intertwined hands, trying in the gentlest way possible to make me aware of what I was doing. I soon caught on and released her, blushing to the roots of my hair in shame. I muttered a barely audible "sorry".
"Mr. Summers, please do not feel sorry about your reactions. I completely understand how difficult this is for you, and it is evident that you love your wife with your entire being. So, it is only logical that you would wish to receive reassurance about her status.
"I will be as honest as I can and speak as plainly as possible so that this whole thing is understood. It would seem from your earlier words that you are all believers, so that makes things easier for me in a sense. That is because, as I said, medically speaking, your wife Emily should be dead.
"From the report we received she had no vital signs, that is a fact. Attempts were made to revive her, and were futile, but since there was no doctor present at the scene, she was not proclaimed dead. I also read in the report that when she was brought to the hotel, the medics there suddenly found vital signs again – weak, very weak that is true – but very much there. And yes, despite the weakness, her heart, her lungs all of her, in fact, made it alive to this hospital and survived all the procedures we had to pull through to ensure the continuation of what I can only call a miracle. No one, Mr. Summers, and I mean that, should have survived that fall, let alone the circumstances that surrounded your wife at the time of the accident. And yet, she is still with us, and I think fighting for her life.
"However, I am not going to lie. The journey ahead, if she continues with her good luck, will be a difficult one both for her and for you all. The damage caused to her body was very extensive and right now she is in surgery, and I do not mean a small one. In fact, right now, we took her to the biggest OR we have on-site, because at least three different specialties will have to operate on her, and that will be only to ensure that her vital organs continue working. Then comes the surgery where fractures and other less critical problems must be addressed.
"So, once I am done with all the information I have to relay, you will be led by one of our volunteers towards a private ICU waiting room, and when Mrs. Summers has been placed in her ICU room, someone will let you know more about her condition and how things will work regarding visitations and all that okay?"
I simply nodded, unable to speak. Each of the words that the doctor had uttered so far, no matter how gentle she had tried to be, had become spears for me. Because yes, Emily was still with us, but it seemed like an uphill battle for her and her body and it made me mortally afraid that the effort might prove to be too much, and that she would give up.
"I know my mom is strong, and she will fight to get back to us, I am sure she will. Abraham promised that she would be okay and that she was being taken care of," my daughter Samantha said.
I did not respond to my daughter´s outburst, while my parents and in-laws all started accosting her with questions about what she had said. Instead, I put my hand against my heart and felt the little silver cross that Emily had once given me for a present and remembered Abraham. That name alone, and the memory of him, infused hope back into me.
So, I looked at the doctor, who was also staring at my daughter with wide eyes and said, "My daughter is correct Dr. Young. My wife is strong, and she will be able to take on all of this. I know she will. For us, for our children, and for our family. So, please, tell me straight what are we facing, besides the obvious."
Dr. Young, still in shock by Samantha´s words, took a deep breath and then turned her attention to me. I knew that somewhere deep in her she was desiring to ask more about Abraham, but this was not the time for it and she knew it. So, she shook her head and resumed her position facing me.
"Emily is facing frostbite, hypothermia, fractures in almost every single bone in her body, including her spine and skull, the rupture of several of her organs, the trauma to her spine and brain, the blood loss that frankly could have been worse had it not been for the hypothermia. So, in a sense, her falling into the frigid water was a saving grace in itself. But that is beside the point now. Because once the general state of her organs is stabilized, she will have to face blood transfusions, skin grafts, bone reconstruction, antibiotics, and a lot of other really strong pharmacological agents that will help her heart beat and her brain and body function. She will face tubal feeding, and a ventilator, and she will depend entirely on caregivers simply to survive. To make it to the next day."
Tears rose to my eyes and fell freely while my body began to shake from the mental image the doctor´s words were conjuring. In fact, the mere memory of how Emily had looked at that waterfall was causing my emotions to go haywire again. I pressed my hand to the cross once more and regained my composure as best as I could.
"Okay, so what is the worst-case scenario if she survives," I asked Dr. Young.
"She might never wake up again, Mr. Summers, and that is the most likely scenario I can give you. In the best of cases, if she wakes up, she will be dependent on constant support because the trauma to her brain and spine will not go unnoticed. She will not be able to do anything on her own, that is the truth. She might also face amnesia, so you have to be prepared for it. She might lose her sight, her hearing, and maybe all of her senses. That is not mentioning that she won´t be able to walk again.
"In the worst-case scenario, as you mention, you might have to make the decision to take her out of life-support – the ventilator and medication that will sustain her vital organs – and let nature take its course."
At that moment, I became aware that we had been having eavesdroppers and the news caused such a shock wave that both my mother and Sophie had to be supported by their respective husbands before they fell.
My children, on the other hand, became as quiet as death at the news Dr. Young had just delivered, and their faces turned pale, while each of them attached to my arms for support. Then, they placed their faces against me, and I felt as their tears ran into my shirt. I turned to each of them and gave them a kiss to let them know I was here for them, even if I was breaking inside.
"Okay, thank you Dr. Young for all your help, and especially for your honesty. I appreciate the openness with which you have talked to us and prepared us for what is to come. If it is okay with you, and if we are done here, I would like to be taken to the ICU waiting room, please?" I asked with a shaky voice.
The doctor took a deep breath and released it slowly. Her eyes started shining with what I suspected were actually tears probably caused by the intense pain she could sense coming from us. Then she said, "I am really sorry about this Mr. Summers, about your wife, about your pain, and I sincerely hope that you are gifted with a best-case scenario. We are done in here, and since you wish it, Trisha, our volunteer here," she said pointing towards a young girl dressed in a white and blue apron, "will be glad to take you to the ICU."
I nodded to the young girl to acknowledge her, then turned back to Dr. Young, whose outstretched hand I took in mine and shook, before turning to my troopers and asking them to collect all our belongings.
Not much later, Trisha led us two floors up and into the private waiting room that had been made ready for us. And once sure we were settled in and comfortable, she turned around and moved towards the nursing station to inform them of our arrival.
It was then, when we were finally left alone, that I gave myself the permission to let loose. And as soon as I did, I fell onto my knees and continued falling until I ended up laying on the cold floor, curved into myself and crying like there was no tomorrow.
A very deep and strong sense of rage, despair, and even abandonment began to take over me. These feelings were not being directed at my wife, but rather at God Himself, and I found myself actually voicing them while my children sat watching from two comfortable sofas and my parents and in-laws stood away, knowing they had to let me come apart for a while.
"Where the heck were you?" I asked into the air, wishing that God Himself were here so I could actually throw this into His face. That´s how angry and disappointed in Him I was. "Why didn´t you prevent this from happening?" Of course, no one answered my ravings, and so I proceeded. "Where are you now, huh? Can´t you see our suffering and commiserate at least a bit? You are supposed to be a loving Father, so, why this? What have we done to deserve this?"
My body suddenly began to shake like a leaf, and a deadly cold that began to bubble from deep in me overcame me. I completely stopped talking and simply started rocking back and forth, totally overwhelmed.
I had been thus lost in my turmoiled thoughts, having completely lost any contact with the environment around me, when I suddenly felt someone taking my hands. The touch felt warm, gentle, and soothing and as soon as my mind registered this, I once more connected the feeling now with the feeling I had had up in the waterfall with the breeze. That is when I recovered my senses and realized that it was my mother who had come to my rescue.
She didn´t say anything at all and I could see her face was blanched and washed by tears. And despite the fact that somewhere in me I felt sorry for causing her such grief, I could not say anything. It seemed that she not only accepted this but understood and did not ask anything of me. She simply pulled at my hands to help me stand back up, and when I was back on my feet, she gently led me to one of the many sofas in the room. She deposited me there, caressed my cheek, and then moved back so that my children could come and sit next to me.
As soon as I felt the touch of my kids, I opened my arms, and embraced them tightly to me, while we all stared at the opposite wall, white as snow, now completely drained of any emotion and energy. In fact, I think we looked like statues to the others.
The clock continued its endless ticking, and while my son and daughter, as well as myself, simply stared, my parents and in-laws decided to take over to ensure that everything from paperwork to food and drinks, was taken care of.
And so, my dad and Stefan went to the nurses' station to request information on Emily, while my mother and Sophie took turns going to the cafeteria that was on the floor below ours, to get the food and drinks we would need, including coffee.
Then, when all was said and done, all we had left was more waiting.
It had now been almost 12 hours since this whole horror had happened, and 6 since we had received the latest news. In the meantime, a beautiful and sunny dawn had just begun peeking over the horizon, and although it looked as if nature were trying to bring some joy and solace to our devastated hearts, it could not. Only news of my beloved Emily, or better yet, being able to see her, would bring me some relief.
Overtaken by anxiety and by a growing fear, I broke from my earlier almost vegetative state and began to pace around the private room, wondering why there had been no updates yet.
My wanderings stopped suddenly when my son Brian timidly expressed that he was really hungry and wished to eat something that was not snacks. His soft words brought my parents, who had fallen prey to exhaustion, awake, and they immediately proposed to take my children to breakfast. They also offered me, but I decided to stay in case there was any news. Or in case that the one person I had desired to see the most this whole time decided to show.
And so, I watched as my mother went to Sophie and Stefan, who had also given in to sleep, woke them up, and told them about their plan. The two of them immediately looked at me as if checking if I was against the idea, but I shook my head and simply asked them to please go with the others. I promised that if any new developments happened, I would call them right back.
Once the room was left only for me, I found myself walking towards the floor-to-ceiling windows and staring at the now rising sun. For some reason, that sight, the sight of that mighty orb of light, of power, pushing back the dark and conquering it to bring warmth and a renewed sense of hope brought forth the memory of Abraham, and again I asked myself who that man had been.
Just then, a sudden and overwhelmingly powerful fire began to rise inside me, just as the sun continued its ascent in the sky, and with that tidal wave that came from my very soul a prayer, possibly my most sincere prayer ever, arose. "My God, my Lord, why have you forsaken me?" And with that, I broke into sobs again. Would God listen to my prayer and intervene? Was it possible for me to ask Him to please give me a new chance with my wife?
A sudden tap against the doorframe of the waiting room called my attention away from my inner monologue and the windows, and my eyes zeroed in on the person walking in. At long last it seemed God had listened to at least one of my prayers; Father Gregor had finally come.
The moment I saw him I felt a rush of relief filling me as if the Lord Himself had just walked into the room, and without any warning to the poor man, I went to him and took him into a hug that could have crushed anyone. However, Father Gregor´s response was not to either complain or push me away from him. He simply placed his own arms around me and returned the embrace. It was then, and only then, that some sense of peace began to return to me.
When I finally released the priest, and moved back, I was shocked to see how affected he seemed to be with what was going on. However, this reaction in him was not connected to empathy, or sympathy, for Emily, but rather for my kids, my extended family, and myself. Indeed, when I mentioned what had happened to him, every detail of this horrific event, I noticed a hint of anger and even a bit of disdain towards my wife.
I had known Father Gregor for a very long time now, since I was 15 years old in fact, and I had worked with him in his parish as a volunteer for many years, so I knew him pretty well. That is why I knew that what he was feeling now towards Emily was anything but holy.
I could not say I blamed him for this, for having this reaction, because I knew he had been trying his very best for a long time to bring Emily out of whatever dark hole she had gotten herself into. And I also knew that he had grown frustrated with her and her persistent reluctance to open up, so I was deeply grateful to him for overcoming these feelings and these human failings to help us in our time of need. I knew that inside this great man a war between his sacred duty, and his human nature, was raging.
But, as God would have it, I did not have too long to wait for the battle to be over, and I soon learned who had won. When I felt his hand settling over one of my shoulders it became evident to me that the man of mercy, the priest and man of God, had won over the man of judgment and punishment, even though there were still shadows lurking there. However, I did not care. My very soul had been crying for this moment to arrive, and it was here now. I was not going to waste it.
"So," Father Gregor asked me as the two of us moved towards one of the sofas. "Where is the rest of your family. Have you received any news about Emily´s condition?"
I shook my head at the second question, and then said, "My parents and in-laws took my kids for breakfast. It has been a hectic and taxing moment for all of us, especially my children, so I thought they might need a break from my gloomy self."
"And you, my son? Tell me what´s inside. You also told me you had something urgent to tell me, something that needed my explanation, so let´s take this time alone to open up entirely."
"Why?" I asked him. "What did I do wrong? Where did I miss the signs? How could I have been so blind to not see what was going on with the person I love most in this world? I thought she was happy."
"Jamie, this is not your fault, my son. It is not yours, as it is not mine, or anyone else´s. I do not wish to say whose it is, because this is not the time, but in the end, each one of us makes choices, and these choices bring consequences for all around us, good and bad. Emily, unfortunately, made hers and brought these consequences we see now."
"Father, why did God abandon Emily? Why did He allow her to get to the point where she got? Why did He not intervene to save her?"
Father Gregor placed a hand on my shoulder and said, "My son, do you really think that God left Emily for a second? Jamie, before anything else, you must remember that humans have free will, and God allows us to make our choices, regardless of how bad they may be. And He walks beside us like a mother, waiting to see when help will be needed, waiting for an opening from us through which He can finally reach us. But in the end, Jamie, it is totally up to Man to choose to accept what God has to offer and relinquish his/her will to God. As for stepping in, how would you think He could have done that, except by imposing Himself on Emily´s will? Do you think that God would do that?
"Finally, never forget this, Jamie; everything happens for a reason. I do not know what plans God has for Emily, but I have faith that He has allowed this to happen for a higher purpose."
At the mention of those words, that everything happens for a reason, an image of Abraham, and all that had happened at that waterfall came to the forefront of my mind, and I simply found myself spilling it all to Father Gregor, hoping that he could explain what had happened there.
However, Father Gregor simply closed his eyes as he listened and remained completely immobile and silent, probably pondering on what I had just narrated. Or maybe he just thought I had imagined all this.
But then, he said, "At this time I cannot explain who this Abraham fellow was, or how it was possible that he was once there and then he was gone. I have no idea about what happened in regard to this man, or how he was able to intervene in a situation where death should have been the outcome. It sounds to me as if maybe God decided to interfere, but I have no idea why, and to be honest, I had never heard of such level of interference before. But what is clear to me is that God has a purpose with all this, and He will reveal it in due course. So, for now, let´s continue asking God for guidance and light, and maybe one day we will learn who this man was and what happened. For now, let it go, and let´s focus on Emily and your family."
At that moment a deadly terror overtook me as my mind conjured up an image of Emily lying dead, still as a rock, cold as ice, inside a coffin, and without meaning to, I grabbed Father Gregor´s garments in my hands, shaking him a bit with the force of my movements, and began to pray, to beg, for help. I just needed someone to reassure me, to tell me that my Emily would be returned to me.
"Father, please help me, I need to get her back. Father, I cannot lose her, or I might lose myself as well. I do not know life beyond Emily, so please, beg God for me, for her, ask Him to forgive her and give her back to me. I will bear any sins, anything that she might have done to anger Him, I will do whatever He asks if He will return her to me. I just… I just need a chance to make things right, to make her happy. I just need a chance to love her with enough force to make her see that life is worth living," I said while I cried like a baby.
Father Gregor placed one of his hands on my shoulder, squeezed with enough force to bring me back from the abyss of pity, and said firmly, "Jamie, that is enough. Do not ever say what you just did again, am I clear? Never forget that you have two kids who depend on you right now, and who would lose it all if you allowed yourself to cave in. As for what you ask, I will do so and pray for Emily but remember that even now God is listening to you, regardless of my presence.
"Now, please also remember this. Life is not about negotiations with God, as if we were in a sort of transaction. Yes, you can ask God to allow you the gift of helping Emily purge her errors, and He might grant that, as He has done before. But that does not mean that the consequences will be removed. Emily had been sinking into her darkness for a very long time Jamie, we all know that and she tried to get out, but she never fully opened up to God so that He could help her.
"However, think on this Jamie. The result of today should have been death, there is no question there. From what you mentioned earlier, it actually was. Then, someone with a very peculiar and particular name comes in and not only helps you and your children but also seems to have played a role in Emily coming back to life. That is called a miracle Jamie, and that, in itself, shows you not only that God is with Emily, and working with and through Emily, but also that He has decided to give her a new chance.
"All you need to do now is pull yourself together, for yourself, for Emily, for your kids and your extended family, and trust that God will not abandon any of you and that somehow this horrible experience will both bring healing to Emily and to you all."
I stared at Father Gregor in awe and shock. For a man who evidently did not think very highly of my wife, and much less of what she had done, he had definitely pulled a speech that infused life back into me. It seemed that even when we did not mean to, we became God´s own messengers. Father Gregor certainly had done just that right now. Through him, as he spoke, I was able to see, as if a curtain had been pulled aside for a second, a brighter future, and I allowed myself to hope.
At that moment the two of us were interrupted by a light tapping against the frame of the door, and after I told whoever was there to come in, this huge, tall, and well-built guy, dressed in emerald-green scrubs under a white lab coat walked in the door. I instantly knew who this was, and I stood up to face the man who was going to tell me what was going on with my beloved.
"Mr. Jamie Summers?" the man called out and I immediately went to him with my outstretched hand. He took it and then smiled while he pointed towards the sofas where Father Gregor and I had been sitting. I understood what the man wanted and simply moved back to retake my seat. Father Gregor sat right next to me and placed his hand against my back as we waited.
"Mr. Summers, my name is Dr. Jacob Phillips, and I am the head of the ICU ward. I am also one of the five surgeons who had to step in to operate on your wife."
The man went quiet, and began to shuffle some sheets in his hands, almost as if he were trying to think of a good way to deliver the worst of news. In the meantime, the rest of my family returned, and a moment of frozen action took place while we all stared at one another.
However, I soon broke out of this stupor and simply informed my family that the man with us – they all knew Father Gregor and were smiling at him – was the doctor who had operated on Emily, and who had come here to let us know how things were progressing.
This became enough to make all of them move towards the sofas without uttering a word, and it helped clear the nervousness that had been building inside me before.
Once order and quiet had been restored, Dr. Phillips cleared his throat and then resumed his speech.
"Okay, seems like the family is complete." The man said with a smile toward all of us. "Well, let me start by saying that it is a pleasure to meet you all, and that it is too bad we had to meet under such circumstances. As you all know, Mrs. Emily Summers was brought up to the OR with very serious injuries, and it took the help of no less than five surgeons, myself included, to stabilize Emily enough to give her a chance at life.
"I know that Dr. Young, in the ER, already informed you of the extension of the damage, and the huge obstacles we are facing right now, so I will not go into further detail. However, I must say, that Emily is a trooper, a really tough one at that, and she seems to be determined to hang on to life.
"To be honest with you, when Dr. Young and the medics who attended Emily at the accident site told me all that had happened, I couldn´t help but feel that this was a lost case. But, against all odds, against all predictions, against Medicine and Science itself, Emily managed to survive the transport, the procedures done to her in the ER, and the different interventions that have taken place since she arrived. That tells me that she will not go out without a fight."
My heart was beating so fast and so hard, that I thought it was going to break my chest wall. I was so overcome by emotions and by my love for Emily, that at the words from the doctor, I just doubled over and began to cry.
My entire family moved to act, but they were all stopped by Dr. Phillips and Father Gregor, who, as if they had been connected by something, knew that I needed this time to break apart. Then, Dr. Phillips placed a gentle hand on my back and continued.
"Mr. Summers, I know that this is a very difficult moment for you and your family, and I want to be very honest with you, despite the evident miracle that was granted to your family and your wife, she has an uphill battle up ahead." At that, I brought my head back up and stared at the doctor.
"Her brain and spine, every single bone in her, several of her organs including her lungs, her skin, and limbs, in fact, her entire body, suffered from this accident."
As I listened to the doctor, I became aware of the fact that he knew exactly what had happened but understanding the situation and somehow reading my desire for the truth not to be known, he named the event as an accident instead of attempted suicide. I was grateful for that too.
"Mr. Summers are you with me?" the doctor suddenly asked, and I realized I had spaced-out while he had evidently continued talking.
"I´m really sorry Dr. Phillips, what were you saying?"
"Don´t worry, that is completely normal. What I was saying is that your wife has now been placed in her ICU room and that you all have full authorization to be with her, and visit her, at any time. This room, as well, has been reserved for you, so if anyone wants to stay the night, it will be made ready so you can do that.
"However, I must ask two things; first, there must only be up to two people at a time with Emily. This is to minimize hazards to yourselves and to Emily. Her life is now totally dependent on machines, medication, and her will to live, but if an infection were to set in, there would be nothing that we would be able to do to help. She is not strong enough for that. And second, I ask this because that will lessen the stress for Emily, and for the staff that will be placed to her care."
We all acknowledged the requests by nodding our heads. Then, I asked, "Can we now see her?"
Dr. Phillips nodded, and then said, "Yes, but before you do, I will need to warn you about what you will see. That sight is never easy on a family.
"Her entire body has been wrapped in gauze, she has several casts, and external tutors to stabilize her bones, including the spine. You will also see the ventilator tubes going into her mouth, and her face will look swollen and very, very bruised. She will have several pumps around her bed, some of them will be to administer the medication that sustains her heart and other organs, and some will be there to administer hydration and nutrition to her struggling body. Finally, you will see that her head and neck are completely immobilized, and her hair, since we had to perform brain surgery, has been shaved off."
The image that my brain conjured up was so bad, and of such power, that I almost began to wretch. Father Gregor stabilized me by placing a hand on my arm, but he knew that at this time I was incapable of speaking. In the meantime, somewhere near me, I heard the outburst of sobs that I knew were coming from my children and from my other family members, but unfortunately, I was incapable of doing anything to help.
So, it was Father Gregor who took over. Facing Dr. Phillips, he asked, "Doctor, I am Father Gregor, the priest who attends to the Summers family and Emily´s family. I hope it is okay if I remain with them?"
Dr. Phillips immediately nodded his head and said that there couldn´t be anything more healing than having spiritual support at this time.
"Thank you for that, Dr. Phillips, and I will dare to ask, is it possible for us to perform what for us Catholics is known as the Anointing of the Sick? It will entail me using some holy water, and other things, but nothing that could bring danger to Emily."
The doctor accepted and said that he would authorize the Sacrament, but he informed us that he thought it should be done a little later so that Emily´s body would have the time to further stabilize. Then, he stood up and asked us all to follow him. He would be taking us personally to the room where the love of my life lay.
As we slowly walked through the long hallways, I became aware of the soft muttering from the people that were around us as we walked past them. It was evident to me that they all probably knew by now who we were and what had happened to Emily, and I felt their pity moving along with us. If I had had the strength, I would have turned and asked them to get lost. But I had nothing left in me.
And then we finally arrived at our destination, which stood right in front of the main nurses´ station.
Before we went into that one room, the room where all my hopes lay, Dr. Phillips presented us to the head nurse and delivered the instructions he had told us about. Then, he asked us if we were ready, and when we nodded, he asked two of the nurses to accompany us as well.
We moved forward, and I was staring straight at the room where Emily was fighting for her life. However, I could not see anything as the curtains were drawn and the room was in semi-darkness.
However, as soon as Dr. Phillips stood below the infra-red light that activated the sliding doors to Emily´s room, these opened up and the LED lights inside the unit turned on to offer us a full view of the horror that lay inside.
And had it not been for the fact that Father Gregor and Dr. Phillips had been prepared for how I would react to the sight, I would have become another patient. Because no one could have prepared me for what I saw, for the emotions that rose up inside me like lava when I saw her, my wife, my love, my life, on that bed.
I simply lost the feeling in my legs and began to fall to the floor, while the two men beside me tried to hold me up, and I simply cried out, "My God, My Lord, why have you forsaken me?"