The vision of my husband´s memories slowly began to fade, and my soul was gently called back by Michael.
I had never been more thankful for His intervention because what I had seen, what I had felt, was submerging me in a pool of rage against myself, of self-hatred, that I was sure had never been the intent.
Instead in response to these negative, foul feelings, I began to feel the flow of a warm, cleansing, and soothing sensation that soon placed my raging emotions under control and helped me let go of all the self-hatred that had risen inside me like venom due to what I had seen.
Suddenly, I was brought out of my thoughts when I suddenly felt as my husband stood up from his chair next to my bed because someone had tapped on the door and come in, approaching my bed.
Soon enough, I heard the voice of the doctor who had been attending to me, a Dr. Saunders I think I remembered from my husband´s memories, and what he said froze me to my bones. He had, in fact, come to inform Jamie that unfortunately, my latest tests had not shown any improvement at all and that my brain, instead of recovering and responding, seemed to be shutting down at a very rapid rate. He also needed to tell my husband that my heart was no longer responding as it should to the medication and therefore, we were facing the increasing possibility of my heart failing much sooner than anticipated. He believed that the time had come to let nature take its course.
As soon as the news were delivered, which pointed to my imminent death, I heard whom I knew was Jamie letting themselves drop on top of a surface and break down from the news. All his hopes, it seemed, had come to an end.
"Dr. Saunders, please, this cannot be! There has to be something else that can be done. I know the damage was extensive, but she has held this long. And you said yourself, she is a trooper, a fighter. Please!" my husband begged as he cried unashamedly.
I heard the voice of the nice and gentler doctor coming much closer to Jamie, and I assumed that he had either taken a seat next to my husband, or he was really close, probably placing his hand on my husband´s shoulder to show his support.
"Jamie, Emily´s battle for life has been a long one, and regardless of her will to live, or strength, the body is fragile and cannot withstand certain situations. It has a limit. And Emily´s seems to have reached its own. As much as I would like, I think it´s cruel to maintain her only with medication and a ventilator. And the reality is, Jamie, that nothing is holding your wife to life, medically speaking, except for these extreme measures. Don´t you think the fair thing is to let nature take its course? You are a strong believer, let God lead Emily to where she should be."
My husband sobbed harder, speechless for a while, but it seemed that at long last the doctor´s words had penetrated him.
"Please first let me talk to my family and to my priest. If we are to make such a decision, it must be a consensus and I want Father Gregor to perform Last Rites on her," my husband responded with a shaky and teary voice.
The doctor acknowledged the petition, but he warned that it would have to be done soon, as my condition was worsening fast and the only things keeping me alive, were the ventilator and medication.
I wanted to yell, to tell them that my time hadn´t yet come, but the truth was, that I did not know that for sure. Only Michael, Abraham, and Emmanuel could determine such a thing. Could it truly be that this, then would be my end? I thought I would have much more to go through, but it seemed that I might have been wrong. If medically nothing could be done, then it surely meant God had decided this would be my end.
Inside me, I began to weep for what had been, and for what could have been if I had made the right choices when I had had the chance. But I had let that slip through my fingers and it was now, as I contemplated the possibility of death, that I wished I had given life a chance and I had appreciated everything even more.
This brought me to ask myself, why was it that we only came to realize the importance of life, of making the right choices, when death was a reality staring us in the face? Maybe it was because death was final and after it chances, and choices, were no longer possible.
I was startled out of my reverie when soon after Dr. Saunders's departure – I had not heard his parting words to Jamie - my husband dialed my parents, his own parents, Father Gregor to whom he asked to come prepared for the Last Rites Ceremony. He asked my parents to bring our children and told them that what he had to say was extremely important.
Not even an hour later, all those who had been summoned appeared and gathered in my room – again thanks to special permission from the hospital - and were told the grim news.
However, in the end, and after many tears and bursts of anger, the decision was made.
While my family talked amongst themselves, cried, and commiserated, I felt as a person approached my bed and took my hand in his own. Without understanding how I was able to tell, I knew that it was Father Gregor who had approached.
What impressed me most was the change that I was now sensing in the blessed man. When before there had been irritation, desperation, a lack of empathy with my suffering, and even judgment towards me, the person now reaching out to me irradiated mercy, understanding, and even empathy towards me. It seemed something had happened to change the priest´s view of me and my selfish decision. But what could that have been?
I had no idea of what sort of event could have changed the feelings of the priest towards what I had done so radically. But it seemed that whatever it was had been powerful enough to make him feel different towards me and this, in turn, affected what happened during the ceremony of Last Rites.
While Father Gregor had been preparing himself, and what he would need, for the Sacrament, I began to hear people softly whispering and murmuring. These murmurs, I knew, did not belong to my family, and I surmised that probably outsiders had decided to come and see what would happen once this ceremony was performed.
Maybe they were expecting some sort of magic show, or a visible miracle to happen to prove that my family´s faith was not just an invention of our minds. I did not know what God had planned for me, and a long time ago I had decided to trust in His will fully, so I just abandoned myself to it, trusting that whatever happened would be for the best for my family, myself, and many others.
I was sure that permission had been requested from my husband for these onlookers to witness the Ceremony, and although Jamie had been adamant, it had been Father Gregor, funnily enough, who had insisted on their presence.
The room soon fell into an almost sepulchral silence as Father Gregor began the opening prayers and steps of the Sacrament.
I had never attended one myself, of course, so although I knew the general principles and parts of the Rite, experiencing it now live, and especially performed on me, was a whole different matter. To be honest, I had never expected something so beautiful, much less the amazing events that took place inside me as the Ceremony and steps proceeded.
When he first approached my bed, I felt his warm thumb making the sign of the Cross on my forehead, and when this happened, my soul reconnected with my three friends, but in their true nature. I began to feel that Father, Son, and Holy Spirit were now present here, in their true essence, and were guiding and acting through Father Gregor. And I became sure that Father Gregor had also felt this special connection, because he froze for a second and his hand shook a bit against my forehead as if overcome by shock, or maybe awe.
Then, when the moment of reciting the Act of Contrition began, a very powerful force, in the form of a bubbling fountain of fire and water, began to emerge from within my soul and move through my entire being, both burning away all that was wrong inside me, and at the same time soothing the pain of this cleansing fire.
And then, as soon as I received absolution, I felt a wrenching pain that was soon soothed by a flowing balm that seemed to me to have flushed away my old self. Indeed, I began to feel, now fully clean and reborn. And I had to say that the feeling was incredible and indescribable.
The Ceremony was closed with the two remaining steps since I could not receive Communion. Father Gregor began to pray the Lord´s Prayer, and I began to follow him inside myself with a deeply rooted and newborn devotion that had not been in me except when I had been a little girl. It seemed that my childhood innocence and connection to God were now being fully restored and I could not help but think about my little apple seedling and how it must look now, after this.
Finally, the Ceremony came to a close with the anointment of my forehead with the blessed oil and I realized that not only had my kinship and friendship with God been fully restored, but I could feel the enormous power of Grace restoring the Tree of Life within me, reconnecting me to God.
Father Gregor, I was able to hear, informed Dr. Saunders that the Ceremony had ended and that therefore, he could proceed with what had been planned. But before that, my family was allowed to come forward and say a final goodbye to me. A goodbye that truly broke my heart. My husband, children, elderly parents, and beloved in-laws were wishing with all their hearts for the miracle of life, but I now understood one thing: God´s plans were not always our own and if we trusted God completely, we would always abandon ourselves to that Heavenly will.
Once the goodbyes were over, Dr. Saunders and two nurses moved forward and began to disconnect first my pumps, except for the hydration and feeding, and then the ventilator.
The minutes began to tick by slowly, and for a moment hope swelled in everyone´s hearts as the monitor connected to my chest showed that there was still a good beating. However, everything was dashed when the numbers began to decline and decline until they stopped completely, and the monitor measuring my heart and breathing activity flatlined. Although my consciousness continued there, and I could still hear everything, it seemed that outside of myself, all signs pointed toward my death.
This became confirmed for me when gut-wrenching sobs began to emerge from the people around me, especially my family. I heard as the curious onlookers who had hoped for a magic event to happen began to vacate the premises, leaving me only with those who loved me best.
My children and husband were the first to approach the bed, and since the tubes and lines had been removed, they had now been given free access to me. They all hugged me, touching my face, arms, and anything they could reach, trying with their tears, their prayers, and their love, to bring me back to life. I wanted nothing more than to yell that I was here, still alive, but how could I prove this if all medical machines, all medical science showed was that I had died? Even my death had already been proclaimed. Could I really be dead now?
After my husband and children retired to allow my parents to approach, my being broke when I heard the wounded voices of both of them. How could I have done this to them? They had struggled so hard to conceive me, and give me a good life, and yet, I had rejected them for being devoted to faith and God, and for their simple life. I had lost such precious moments with them, and now, it seemed I would never get them back. And what was worse, I had hurt them as no one else could ever have. In truth, I had betrayed them.
Then came my in-laws but they, believing it had all been an accident, simply kissed me and cried.
Finally, I heard the approach of Father Gregor, and I felt as he extended a hand and placed it gently on my warm chest. The moment that his hand and my body came into contact, I felt a sharp pull taking place, a wrenching from deep within me, and not long after, I felt a string of light intertwining the priest´s soul with my own. What in the world was happening? What was this?
I began to call on Abraham, Michael, and Emmanuel, asking them to explain what was going on, what was happening between Father Gregor and myself, but their response was even more mysterious than the event itself, "You will soon understand."
Not long after, I heard as a nurse entered the room again and gently asked my family to please retire from the room, as she and some others would prepare my body for the funeral home that would be picking me up shortly.
My family retreated completely heartbroken; I could tell from the heart-wrenching sobs emerging from all of them. And then, I heard that as everyone was retiring, Father Gregor approached the nurse near me and whispered, "This woman is not dead. I would advise you to check again." And with that cryptic message, he departed for the waiting area.
My soul was called once again by Abraham, this time, and I found myself away from my body and back in the glen. When I looked at my little seedling, I found that indeed it had grown, during my time on Earth, into a much more mature tree. However, I also saw that it was losing its beautiful color. I wanted to ask, but the answer was delivered soon when Emmanuel called my attention back to all three of them.
"Emily, we have reached a point in our journey where you must make a choice. The Last Rites, which have removed your sins and reconciled you with us, would allow you to decide to stay with Us for eternity. If this is your choice, then that nurse in your hospital room will not see what Father Gregor told her. But, if you decide to go back and complete your journey, there will be still a lot of Purgatory to go through, including your recovery. So, it is your choice what you prefer to do. Either one will be okay with us."
I had to take a minute to reflect on the offer. But it wasn´t long. Yes, I had gained back my friendship with God, but I had left too many people wounded and affected, and because of what I had done, I might be affecting their own relationship with God. Then, there had been that strange connection with Father Gregor, and something told me that something big between him and me would take place. How could I not complete my more than deserved Purgatory?
So, I turned to all three of them and said, "Abraham, Michael, Emmanuel, I have had the best time with you, and I know if I stay here, I will enjoy peace. But I think I still have a mission to accomplish – you yourselves told me of this a while back – and I cannot abandon those who will need of me. So, my choice is to go back, live what is left of this internal journey, and return, as a new woman, however this may be, with whatever consequences I may face, to life."
The three men smiled warmly and declared, "So be it."
And Abraham placed me back into a deep sleep and I was back inside my wounded body, which was now being washed, detached from all the pumps, lines tubes, and bandages, and being prepared for the funerary home that would come to collect my "remains".
I soon understood that I needed to do something to let these people know that I was very much alive, that I had not died, at least my mind and soul hadn´t, but my entire body was motionless, and no matter how hard I tried, not a single inch of me would move to help deliver the message. No matter how hard my mind tried.
In desperation, I began to call out to my friends, asking for their help and no sooner had I done this when I began to feel a tingling sensation that began from my heart and moved towards all parts of my body. I soon began to feel heat rushing through me and as it did, I felt my muscles beginning to regain strength. Then I heard a booming voice within me that ordered, "Move" and for the first time, I obeyed that command without hesitation. Best choice I had ever made. I began to attempt to move different parts of my body, beginning with my arms.
At some point, one of the nurses who had been absorbed in her task of cleaning my now naked chest with a warm washcloth gently, suddenly became aware of a change in my body. But because she knew as a healthcare professional, that this was not possible, and therefore doubted her findings, decided to remove the glove she had on and placed her hand on my chest.
She observed for a few minutes and suddenly released a shriek when she felt my chest rising and falling, albeit slightly, my skin regaining its warmth, my heart beginning to pump again, and my right arm attempting to move.
Her alarm brought the immediate attention of the other nurses, but not believing what their colleague had said, decided to stop their cleaning process and hook me back to the heart monitor. And when they did, pandemonium erupted. Where once the monitor had shown a flat line, it now showed a weak, but a stable heartbeat.
One of the nurses rushed out of the room, called Dr. Saunders and my family back to the room, and when Dr. Saunders saw what was being shown on the monitor, he lost his balance, took a seat with a look of utter shock on his face, and said, "This is not medically possible. We all saw her die. She was dead but now she is back to life. This can only have one explanation." And he looked towards Father Gregor.
"Yes Dr. Saunders, this does have only one explanation: The plans of God will always surpass the plans and pride of man."
And no truer words could have been spoken by the wise priest. Because my body might have come back to life and defied science itself. But the truth was that neither Father Gregor, nor the doctors, nor I truly knew what would come from this, how this would evolve, and what God´s ultimate plans were.
This became evident when suddenly, my consciousness began to fade, literally fade and the last thing I heard before I left my mortal body and fell into a deep sleep once more, was Dr. Saunders proclaiming that I had gone back down into an even deeper coma, from which I might not be able to return.
I knew what those last words from the doctor meant. It was perfectly possible that God´s plan had been to give me enough time to complete my journey and then I would face Death.