Everything around me - my ancestors, Paradise, all of it- started to blur and dissipate until I found myself back in the glen, sitting in front of the bonfire as if I had never moved.
Except for the crackle of the burning wood, our breaths, and the sound of the wind moving softly through the trees around us, there wasn't any other noise or movement. It almost felt as if all four of us had returned frozen.
However, when I looked up at my three friends, at the sadness that was more than visible in their eyes, I realized how wrong I had been in my appreciation. Neither Abraham, nor Emmanuel, nor Michael had said a single word because they were feeling the pain of what we had just seen as if it had just happened.
And then, my own eyes filled with tears as my heart and soul became overwhelmed by guilt and remorse. When had any of us, humans, ever stopped to ask ourselves how our choices, our rebellion against the One who had loved us, and loved us still despite our constant betrayal, affected and hurt Him?
I remembered still the lessons I had received as a child, and they had always told us that God could not be hurt by us, or by anything because He was perfect and complete in Himself; that we were not necessary to Him. And from the experiences I had had thus far, that lesson had proven true.
However, now as I stared at my friends, at the Trinity, what I saw was that, even though our misbehavior and betrayal would not affect Trinity's union and would not change their perfection or completion, it hurt the very heart of Them. Why? Because the Truth staring me right in the face now was this: God had chosen to make Himself vulnerable when He had opened His Heart to create us and place us, Man, at the very center of that Love.
This act from God, the choice of not just opening His heart and Love fully, but giving all of Himself without reserve, and without limit to Man, had established a familial bond that had turned Man into the one creature who could really pain God if he was lost. The only request that Man had received was for him to hand God, freely and of his own choice, his full trust - to abandon himself in His hands and Love.
And it was in this that Man had failed miserably. Without no more than a few well-said persuasive words, Man had been pulled down to the abyss, and thus had lost his familial relationship with God. This fact, this betrayal, this lack of trust and faith from Man, had saddened and hurt God deeply.
Because, if you thought about it in human terms, there is nothing that can hurt a loving and concerned parent more than the lack of trust on the part of a child, and even more so, the loss of one.
In fact, the immense sadness I was now seeing in my friends'eyes, all of Them, was so deep and so intense, that words felt useless to describe it. And the tears shining on Their cheeks were proof enough of how badly Man's betrayal had hurt and still hurt Him.
And then, to my shock, and this broke me and moved me to the core, I turned my eyes towards Emmanuel only to see that His beautiful face had become marked by terrible and painful wounds that were bleeding profusely.
I was so overcome by that sight, by its implication when connected to what I had just witnessed, that I could not help myself. I started to silently weep and looking into my pockets for a tissue, I found one with which, I approached Emmanuel, took His face in my hands, gently moved it towards my own, and began to wipe away the blood and the tears.
While doing this, I became aware of the fact that His hands had started bleeding and His shirt had become stained as well by the blood that was seeping from His very skin. At that point, I stopped doing what I was doing and moved away from Him, feeling unworthy of even looking at Him. This - His suffering, His pain, His blood - had become the price that the Trinity had had to pay in order to restore us to life. Could there ever be any deeper, truer, or stronger Love than this? And even then, after that sacrifice, even though we knew about it, we continued to betray God over and over.
Openly weeping now, with a heart overcome by pain and regret, and with bloodstained, shaky hands, I scooted backward away from Emmanuel, from Abraham, and from Michael. I knew that what I was feeling right now was not even a quarter of what these three amazing men, God, had suffered from the very moment that His beloved children had chosen to betray Him, and still suffered every single moment as His children continued to deny Him their trust, their faith, and their love.
I then realized something important. This, then, had become the weapon that the Devil had used to strike back at the One he could have never hurt in any other way - by destroying the union between Him and His beloved children.
And the destruction had been very simple. All he had had to do had been to feed our hearts with the notion that we could, and should, take our birthright as gods, choosing for ourselves what was good and what was not, and in that one swipe, he had destroyed the very essence of the link between God and Man.
Because Love, true Love, is based on absolute trust and selflessness, and when Man had chosen to trust the Deceiver, instead of trusting God's words and promise, they had not only made their choice in regards to God's invitation, but they had become filled with Pride, Selfishness, and Vanity, and thus had severed the pure connection that had been formed by True Love.
Thus, it had been when Adam and Eve had decided to distrust God and believe that He was denying them their freedom to reach their true potential, that theTree of Life had been removed; God's life and presence in them, and by inheritance us, had bee removed, and with its absence Death, sin, and their aftereffects had invaded our lives.
However, even as these dark thoughts came to me, as I thought about this and even wanted to question my friends on the fact that all descendants from Adam and Eve had been unfairly affected, as we had not been present to make the choice, I also remembered the little seedling that had been left behind when the Angels had taken the Tree of Life away.
And then it dawned on me. The original sin had been committed by our ancestors, that was true, and we had inherited the consequences of that original sin. But the truth was that if we looked deeply into our hearts, the impulse that had led first Eve, and then Adam, to sin, was also present in our hearts. And if we were being honest with ourselves, the truth was that we would all have probably fallen to the same temptation. Why? Because we had always been given the freedom to choose our pathway and that is why the Tree of the Science of Good and Evil had not been hidden from us. Because God had wanted to trust us and our love for Him.
But Man had not been up to par with God's trust in us, had not even hesitated to allow doubt to grow inside him when presented with the temptation of becoming like God Himself. In contrast, however, even though our souls had died because the essence of life had been removed, and all of Creation had been misbalanced by this, God, in His eternal Love for Man, had left a spark of hope – a promise – an alliance.
That little seedling, like my own, had promised that God would never abandon His beloved creature to Death and perdition. In fact, that seedling, which had turned again into the Tree of Life with Emmanuel's sacrifice and the return of the Holy Spirit, had not only set back the power of Death and Evil but had become the fulfillment of God's promise to our forefathers.
The difference now was that the consequences of our choices would accompany us for life, and while some would be good, others would not be so. Indeed, suffering, and pain, had become consequences of that original choice, and they became the consequences of our everyday choices as well.
So, how would we win the fight and receive the promised rewards of the Alliance between Man and God? by using our granted Freedom to make choices that would lead us back to the one thing that had granted Man their original state of Grace; abandonment into God's hands. In one word, restoring our faith and trust in Him. And that meant giving up ourselves, emptying ourselves as Emmanuel and Michael had once told me, to allow God's presence in our souls to be restored and guide us in our chosen paths.
However, as I had once thought, this was easier said than done, because Man, all human beings, stained by the aftereffects of vanity, pride, and selfishness had become full of ourselves, and even those who really tried to release their control and empty themselves to allow Grace to come back to them, had a hard time fully releasing control. It was simply in our fallen nature. And that is where so many Saints, and good people, had earned their stripes; they had fought every day against that original sin that always pulled against their best intentions, and had fought the temptation, that siren's call from Evil, to do the opposite.
At that particular thought, I brought my eyes up - albeit filled with shame - and looked at the men before me. They were all silently looking at me, evidently knowing what was going on inside my heart and mind, but they were not accusing me, blaming me, or judging me. Instead, they were looking at me still with sadness, but also with forgiveness, and with love.
It seemed that the heartfelt regret and shame in me, the tears I had shed, had brought upon me the rebirth of my very soul. As this new seedling, this new Tree of Life was watered with the power of these men's forgiveness, and love, it began to not just grow, but also thrive. So now, I was ready to face the reality of my own choices, and their consequences.
"Will you please now show me my truth? Will you place me before the reality of the consequences that my choices brought?" I asked to no one in particular, but wishing with all my heart for this wish to be granted.
At that moment, Abraham was the one who approached me, and as He did, I realized that just like Emmanuel, Abraham too had the marks of wounds all over his face and hands. I then turned to Michael because I wished to see if what I thought was true. And when I looked at Him, I saw I had been right. What Emmanuel had suffered, His sacrifice had not been His alone. It had been the Trinity, God, who had paid through the Second Person Incarnate, the ransom for our unworthy behinds.
This knowledge strengthened my heart and soul even more. I had to have the courage to face the pathway that I and I alone, had chosen to walk. My journey of life had been mine to choose and all of my elections had produced consequences, just like a tree will grow branches. Some of those consequences had been good, and some had been really bad. But in the end, they had all been part of the life I had made for myself, and they had all brought me to this very point. So now, after my spiritual death and rebirth, I was ready to rebuild, and like Emmanuel and Michael had both told me once, help others do the same.
That is why, when Abraham finally reached me and took my face in one of His gentle hands to bring it towards His own, I was able to face Him without feeling an inch of fear, or doubt. I knew that this would hurt, I knew that I would bleed, just like Emmanuel had. But, it was the only way to bring myself back.
"Emily, my child, are you sure of what you are asking Me to do? What you will face is exactly what people who are in Purgatory have to face. Is that what you want?" Abraham asked gently, evidently trying to give me a choice. But I was absolutely sure now of the path I had to take, and I knew He saw it in me too.
So, without further pushing, He said, "So be it".
_______
Whole new chapter and filled with some concepts that might be hard to understand because they truly depend on faith. Feel free to comment on anything you wish and call my attention please on probable errors. I hope you enjoy it, even though it is not filled with adventure, but more reflection.