In the middle of grey skies and a soft misty fog stood Zorana. It was the coldest Raymond's been since spring took over at the end of February. The sudden cold front washed over the bustling town, draping coats over fathers and shaws over mothers. Cute puffy jackets were slipped onto little children. The heat was history. It was finally time for checkered printed scarfs, ankle-high boots, and pumpkin spiced lattes with way too much creamer. Amongst it all was Zorana's favorite season. The air, the festive, the orange, reds, and grays. Everything seemed to shift in the atmosphere in ways that made even a lousy weekend feel warm and cozy. Zorana stood on the bank of the reservoir, her mother's urn in hand and a thin windbreaker strapped around her waist. She took it off as she climbed out of her 2010 Cobalt and wrapped it around her waist. Zorana wanted to feel the air, feel the gusts of wind that tickled the back of her neck, the chill in the earth's breath. Everything she was experiencing now would be a part of her mother now; she wanted to remember every aspect of this moment.
Unfortunately, the summer took away not only its occasional misty showers, or pool floaties, and ice-cold lemonades, but it had also taken away Zorana's mother. An accident that caused more pain than Zorana even thought was possible. The confusion haunted her day in and day out. It had become a routine to her, numbing any emotion she felt until this moment. "This was life," she would have told herself, "this happens." People come, and people go; Zorana even knew that. Today was no different. Today was time for her mother to fly.
She took the lid off the urn and stared at the gray ashes within. The pit in her stomach danced with agony as realization began to settle in. This moment was it. She was gone. She would be free to roam the earth as she pleased, but did Zorana want that? However selfish this may seem, she wasn't ready. How could Zorana let go of such precious memories? When she thought of her mother, she thought of brightly colored happiness, disturbed by demise. It was all just gone now. The laughter after her mother told awful jokes, the smell of her peanut butter cookies, the warmth of her hugs that lingered all too long, the taste of her famous gumbo she made on Christmas. Her life. Gone.
She was right. She couldn't do this. Zorana put the lid back on the urn and stood staring out at the reservoir's dark waters. When she felt content with herself, she left. Zorana walked around to her passenger side, opening it up to strap her mother into her seatbelt. Then she made it around to her seat. She wouldn't be back again tomorrow, nor the following day. She would be back when she was able to build the courage up once more to stand at the edge and even think about scattering her mother's ashes.
So where to now? Where else, then home, right? She could take her car down and drive the four hours back to Louisiana and go home, but she couldn't. Her mother's home was vacant now. She couldn't bring herself to step foot inside ever again. She hadn't been back since the day the Sheriff escorted her back so she could pack a couple of bags. Those same bags were now stashed away into her trunk. She stayed with a friend for the last few weeks until she received her mother's ashes and drove to the reservoir to scatter them. She took her belongings because she was sure that would have been her last night staying with them. But now, she wasn't so sure.
It wasn't that she had anywhere to go; it was just that she wasn't comfortable asking any family for help. It wasn't like anyone bothered to reach out to her anyway. She hadn't heard from anyone in her family but her uncle Rod. Her mother's brother. A couple of minutes into the conversation and it was, "Well, let me know where you're staying, and I'll keep in touch" instead of "If you need a place to stay, feel free to come live with me. I'm here for you if you need me." He didn't keep in touch. She was down to her last option. Austin.
Austin Thoman was her boyfriend. Well, boyfriend was the technical term for it. Zorana was with Austin, but it wasn't necessarily certain if Austin was with her. He was in and out of the relationship, coming and going as he pleased. Their on and off status was courtesy of his flimsy social identity. A young boy clueless as to who he was, who he wanted to be, and where he wanted to go. He was floating and hovering around Zorana; she was a good ally. She was whatever Austin needed her to be at that given time. In a way, she floated and hovered around him as well. She used him when he used her, but not in a way to get back at him. Austin fluctuated on what he was to her often. Zorana struggled with providing a lack of emotion towards him, yet also a clinginess partial from not wanting to feel alone and needing someone. Even if that someone happened to be an asshole.
Austin knew her mother had passed away. He was sympathetic and played the supportive boyfriend role quite well. Zorana even allowed herself to cry and seek comfort out of him, and he gave it to her. Yet, the man could only hold onto the facade for so long. After all, he was narcissistic; caring wasn't exactly on his dating resume. It was a surprise to Zorana when she called him; Austin was so quick to offer her a place to stay. His words were refreshing, "You're more than welcome here." Regardless of whether she wanted to believe his playboy shenanigans this time or not, she needed a place to stay. So she took the offer. And that offer landed her standing in front of a pump-up mattress at the foot of Austin's bed.
"You know how my mom is," he said a matter of factly, "she says we can't sleep together if we aren't married." Austin was standing in the doorway of his room, relaxed into an inclined stand. He supported himself by leaning into the door frame with his arms crossed over his chest. "She says feel free to her collection of throw blankets and pillows in the hall closet." Zorana smiled and thanked him for putting it up for her. Austin grinned back and started walking her way, placing a hand on her hip. "You know, she's not here at the moment. She stepped out to run some errands." His eyes danced with a swoop of his gaze running up and down her body; Zorana felt bare. She felt exposed against his stare—typical Austin.
"I'm tired," she said slowly, letting her body slip free from his grasp. "It was a long drive to get here. You know that."
"Right," he counters, "And you want to miss out on this opportunity?" He found his way back to groping her. It made her sick. Austin was her boyfriend, someone she'd had sexual intercourse with multiple times within the last year. However, in the context of the situation, it felt wrong. Insensitive. She didn't want him around her right now. She didn't want anyone around her. She'd be happy with a shower and a blanket, then laying completely flat in her blown-up mattress.
It was almost as if Austin could hear her thoughts. He let go and walked over to his bed without saying anything. Zorana takes this as an opportunity to grab her items out of her car. Slipping the jacket she had around her waist, she zipped it up halfway only so it wouldn't flap in the wind. "I'm going to go outside and grab my suitcases. Where do you want me to put them?" Austin turns to her with a blank expression, then points to the closet on the far right side of his enormous room.
So, the silent treatment? Also, typical Austin. If he didn't get his way, he clamps up and leaves you wondering if you were in the wrong for telling him no. Zorana grabbed her keys and slid out of the room and out onto the porch of their apartment. The apartments at this complex were beautiful, with stainless steel appliances, brand new flooring, limited carpeting, full access amenities, and a playground for children. They were spacious for the price and the best complex in this town. The complex attracts all types of people. However, many people didn't care for keeping up the overall maintenance. They left trash everywhere, played loud music at all times of the day, broken down cars littering the parking spaces, fights, shootings, rambunctious kids. The list went on.
As Zorana walked down to her car, she thought of what to do with her mother. She wasn't ever comfortable leaving her strapped in the seatbelt in her car, but she also didn't feel comfortable taking her inside for nosey eyes and hands to touch all over her. Zorana grabbed her suitcases out of the trunk and rolled them to the side of her car. Then grabbed the urn and placed it in the trunk of her car, wrapping it in a couple of clothes she didn't plan on wearing anytime soon. Finally, she pulls her suitcases up the three flights of stairs to Austin's door.
As she made it up the last flight, the door swung open, and he stepped out, not even holding the door open for her. "You brought all that?" He asked. In his hand was a blunt. He lit it, took a drag, and threw his head back, letting his arms drop down to his sides.
"Yeah," Zorana says, "I don't feel comfortable going back to my mom's place... but look, if you need me to leave soon, then just-"
"I didn't say all of that shit." Austin looks down at her with a smirk, "I don't care how long you stay. What kinda man would I be kicking his chick out after she lost her mother?" Zorana nodded, letting that sink in. Well, at least he was nice about it.
"Okay." She breathes, "Thank you."
"Hold up." Austin puts his hand up, then tucked his lighter into his back pocket. "I'm saying all that, but you know what I want in return." She expected that much. He wasn't exactly a wholesome guy.
"Yeah, I'm just not feeling it today,"
"Not sex dumb ass, that too, but I get it or whatever you don't want that right now. I meant rent." Zorana lifted an eyebrow at him.
"You want me to give you rent now? It's September seventh. You guys haven't paid yet?"
"You haven't paid yet. Mom been paid. I mean your share."
"I just got here today Austin."
"Down payment." He smirked down at her and extended his hand out, wiggling the middle three fingers. The frustration in her body couldn't even reach a boil. Her emotions were used solely on mourning her mother.
Zorana shoves past him, pushing her first suitcase in and through the door before grabbing the other. "I'll stash mapp it to you." Austin watches her for a moment before he follows her inside.
"I guess that's fine too. Two hundred dollars, feel free to send more if you have a giving spirit," he followed behind her into his room and watched her slide one case into the closet and the other onto his bed. "You see, we pay five apiece, and I'm only giving you two because I'm great like that."
"Gee, thanks, oh generous lord," Zorana says, playing into his narcissism. Austin didn't find this amusing. He glares slightly, but Zorana ignores it placing her clothes in her arm and grabbing her body wash. "I'm gonna go take a shower."
"Company?"
"Not needed," Austin frowns but lets her walk past him into the hallway; he follows and into the bathroom, walking close enough behind for Zorana actually to feel him on her back. "Weren't you about to go somewhere?" She asks, hoping he'd remember some random important thing he had to do and would leave her be.
"Yeah, actually was about to head to the studio. I thought maybe you'd like to join. Don't feel comfortable leaving you here to waddle in despair." Zorana rolls her eyes before turning around back to him and flashing a fake smile.
"What's going on today? Did you get a good breakfast? You're being awfully kind." Austin grins, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her into a hug.
"I'm just trying to make you feel better. I know your mom was everything to you, and I'm just worried you're gonna get depressed or something." Zorana gave him a small hug back before pulling free.
"I'll be okay," She says slowly. Austin takes her cheeks and places a kiss on her lips.
"When I come home, how about we watch a movie or something?" Zorana nodded before dropping her items onto the hood of the toilet so she could start undressing. "I won't be too long, but you know if I get a fire idea, imma keep going until it's done."
Zorana took off her top and discarded her bottoms, "Yeah, I know, you say that all the time." Austin takes a good look over his girlfriend, lingering at every curve before pushing off the door pane and telling her goodbye. When he was gone, Zorana stepped into the shower and let the water crash down onto the top of her head.
This was fine. This was okay. This wasn't permanent. Throughout the entire shower, Zorana had to repeat that to herself. When she finished, she got out, dried herself, and slid her clothes on before paddling over to Austin's room. Putting her clothes away, Zorana laid in his bed for a while, closing her eyes. After driving four hours from her town to this area, she was tired. The only reason she came this way was because of the ashes. Her mother loved the reservoir and often joked when she was alive if something ever happened to her, she'd want to be sprinkled over her favorite place. "This is my spot; this is where I belong to roam free," her mother would say, "I want to sleep here in my eternity." Whenever her mother said things like that, it made her sad. It forced her to imagine the worse outcome of everything and her nightmare of losing her best friend.
Zorana grew up spoiled by her mother's affection. Zorana growing up, people told her stories of how great her mother was with children. She loved them and dreamed of becoming a mother. Imagine how devastated she was when she was told she couldn't have her own. Her mother was crushed. The one thing she wanted the most in the world wasn't made possible for her. She felt incomplete with nothing to live for. Her mother just worked all the time, heavily establishing herself in her career. Days, weeks, months, years flew by with nothing really to help her mark the time passing. Every day felt like a repeat of the other until she met Zorana's father. A man with charisma, confidence, a loving atmosphere. He glowed so brightly, and her mother became dazed by it. She fell helplessly in love. She wasn't sure if it was the passion, the timing, the man, or just a miracle, but Zorana was conceived. Before Zorana was even born, her father married her mother in a courthouse wedding, accompanied by only those who were necessary. Her mother had become a wife, and a mother in the matter of a few months, the two things she never thought she could obtain. She was in heaven.
Zorana was her mother's pride and joy. Everything she could have dreamed for. Zorana was the spitting image of her mother. She was copy and paste, her mother. Mid-length natural hair, dark brown skin, hazel brown eyes, tall and curvaceous. She walked like her, talked like her, wanted to be like her. The two were soulmates. Zorana adored her mother to the core and never wanted to leave her side. Even when her father passed away, and her mother was left to raise Zorana alone, her mother was okay. She was happy. She had Zorana, and that was all she needed to survive. Sure she was devastated her husband was gone, but their marriage wasn't perfect. The two had their differences and were even on the brink of a divorce when he died. Zorana, though, was there. She wiped her mother's tears and hugged her with her tiny arms. Those little actions made a monumental impact on her mother. All she wanted to do now was be the best mother she could be for her precious child. And best was shy of the term for her mother. Zorana liked to think of her mother as the perfect parent. She made mistakes, but Zorana loved her so much that even her blatant errors were perfect. That's the image Zorana had of her mother. And then she lost it.
It rendered Zorana emotionless in a way. She was in so much shock her mother was gone; her brain wouldn't let her acknowledge that. Her brain was shielding her from the pain, censoring any and every mention of her mother. Any emotion she should feel whenever she got mentioned.
A knock came in at the door jolting Zorana up and off Austin's bed. When the door opened, it was his mother. She wore purple scrubs, her hair up into a neat ponytail and her freshly done nails clawing into the door. She stepped in fully before saying anything. "Zorana, how are you feeling?" She asked slowly. She was forcing her voice to go three waves higher than usual, the "concern" for her so strong it changed her voice.
Zorana smiled and nodded her head. "Yeah, I'm okay, just a little shaken up."
"Of course, "She took a step closer to Zorana and put a hand on her shoulder, "Do you need anything? Is Austin being understanding? I know how he can be a bit much."
Again another lie slipped from Zorana's mouth as she forced a smile harder onto her face. She was afraid if she let it go, her look of disgust would pop up. "Yes, he's being supportive." His mother smiled and gave one swift pat on the shoulder she was holding.
"Good, well, I know he's going to support you through anything. He's a very compassionate young man and just adores you." Zorana almost snorted. His mother gave her one last smile before stepping out of the room. "If you need anything, you know where my room is, just knock."
Zorana watched her walk off before closing the door. She stared at Austin's bed for a long moment before turning and dumping herself onto the bump up. This felt better anyway.