Weeks had passed by without Celeste speaking to me. She still spoke to Josh though. He told me how much she missed me but that she just didn't know how to fix it or what to do.
"She's just really sad right now. She could use your friendship. She just doesn't know how to talk to you." Josh says. We were sitting right across from each other eating our school lunch. We were outside, not too far from the cafeteria but far enough to where we couldn't hear all the noise from people talking.
"She could try apologizing." I shove a fry in my mouth. Lately I've had crazy cravings.
"She doesn't know how." He takes a bite out of his chicken sandwich. "Her dad was having an affair with another man." He half whispers. I choke on my fry briefly.
"No way!" I drink some water. "Should I go to her house or call?"
"Calling is probably best. Home is crazy. She comes over you know?"
"Oh?" I say, surprised. "Is she making moves on you too?"
"You know she's gay right?" He laughs. "Besides I've always had my eyes on someone else." He breaks our eye contact.
And a part of knows it's me but I just wish he would make a move or let go.
Later that night, I called three times. She didn't pick up. Enough with the bull shit. I missed her. I tried not to think about her in that light anymore just to rekindle our friendship. I drive myself to her house.
When I get there, I hear screaming back and forth, eventually glass breaking. I sneak myself up on to her parents home and up to Celestes room. As I walk around gently through the roof, I climb down to her window. I look through the window and I see her sitting on her bed. She's using what looks like a razor blade and slitting her wrists, side to side.
I open her window immediately and basically tackle her and take away the blade.
"What are you doing!" I scream at her. "Why are you doing this?" I start to cry.
"Why are you here?" She shoves me off of her. She goes to get an old t shirt from her drawers. She wraps it around. "Get out!" She demands
"No." I shake my head. A tear falls.
"No?" She says confused and angry. "Leave. Now! I'm not interested in licking your clit."
"I don't care!" I say. I hold up the razor blade and point at her. "I don't want to lose you." I start to sob.
"You already have." She says sternly then looks away. I put down the blade and I go up behind her and I hug her. I wrapped my hands around her arms and body.
"I love you." I cry into her back and for a moment, I miss Anne. "I don't want to go to your funeral too."
She just stands there, letting me hug her. I let go after a moment. She wipes my tears off with her thumbs.
"You won't have to." She whispers.
"Can we make new promises?" I ask her.
"Anything." She says. I pull away from her. We're standing inches away.
"Promise me nothing will ever come between our friendship again? That we'll be in each other's lives until death do us part?"
"If you promise me you'll give Josh a chance." She extends her pinky. I extend mine and our pinkies cross. We both kiss our hands as we say "Promise" together. We hold each other's hands.
"You know." I click my tongue. "You made me question my sexuality."
"Sorry about that." She blushes. "Just so you know, if you were gay I'd jump your bones." I giggle.
"What a shame." I say.
"Very." She looks down then back at me. "Friends can still kiss."she smiles.
"Is that so?" I smile big.
Her smile drops and she lets go of my hands. She grabs my face and pulls me in. I wrap my hands around her back and kiss her back. She pulls away and we both giggle.
"Yeah, what a shame." She laughs and jumps on her bed. She sits up. She pats a spot next to her. "Should we watch the first Freddy and Jason movie?" She smiles big and turns on her small television.
~
After a long night of sobbing and rekindling our friendship, Celeste seemed to be okay so I left. I left to Josh's house.
When he lets me in, I tell him everything. I don't mention we kissed though. I feel like he didn't need to know.
"She self harms…" I mention.
"Yeah I know, why do you think I told you to call?" He snaps. "She comes over if she thinks about self harming. Life is hard for her right now. You could've told me. I would've called her!" He shouts.
"Why didnt you warn me? You don't have to snap at me because I didn't know!" I stand up. He stands too.
"You are so insensitive god you remind me of alice!" He says to my face. I don't even see how I was insensitive.
"How dare you…" I say before I turn and run away while crying.
"Wait.." I hear him say but it's too late. I bolt out of there.
After running home, I feel an instant urge to vomit my brains out. I puke until the toilet bowl is practically full. I think back to my tuna sandwich but that was all during lunch. Then I think about my monthly visitor who has not visited in six weeks…