If there was ever a moment in my life where I felt like my own person, this was it.
Early this morning I went downstairs to check my letterbox like I did every week. I pulled on the small door and took out a heap of folded advertisements and envelopes, but as I flicked through each one, a particular envelope caught my eye. It was addressed to me personally, with a brown book stamp in the top right corner. It was from the library.
My curiosity got the best of me and I didn't wait to get back to the apartment to see what was inside. My finger quickly slid under the opening flap and ripped it open. There were two pieces of paper. One was a folded letter which I took out first.
My eyes flew over each sentence looking for words like 'terminated employment' or 'sanctions' of any kind. I was sure I did something wrong to be receiving a personal letter from my workplace, and yet I was wrong.
The letter didn't describe unemployment of any kind, and the more I read, the more I understood.
At the bottom, Kate's name was signed. My hands fumbled as I folded the paper back up and reached into the envelope again to remove a crisp white check with a multiple-digit number printed on the left-hand side.
I covered my mouth and let out a silent squeal after I fully registered what it was. I could barely contain the relief and joy that I felt. I hadn't experienced this feeling since I opened my college acceptance letter in the kitchen with a cup of coffee that I spilled on myself shortly after. And the first person I wanted to tell was Will. I wanted to call him straight away, even though it was eight in the morning on a Saturday and he didn't wake up until the evening.
I quickly pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialed him anyway. It came as no surprise when I was sent to voicemail. I left a message anyway.
I knew no one was up, but I wanted to tell someone, anyone. I thought about calling my mother, but for some reason, I didn't.
I scrolled through my contacts and then scrolled through them again. Not only did his name appear in my head, but it appeared under my thumb on the screen.
I knew I shouldn't. There was no reason for me to. We weren't friends. We weren't anything. However, I wanted to tell him. I wanted to share this with him.
I had decided against it and meant to leave it alone, but in the accidental tap of the screen in an attempt to leave the app, my finger slipped and pressed on his name.
Frantically, I tapped the button to end the call repeatedly. My phone almost fell out of my hands in the process. Thankfully, his name disappeared.
I palmed my forehead hoping desperately that it hadn't given the call enough time for it to reach his phone.
It did.
I knew it did when I received a message from him.
'Did you call me by accident?'
I blinked at his words, and then I typed a response.
'Yes, sorry. My finger slipped. I hope I didn't wake you.'
A grey bubble appeared informing me that he was typing. I watched as they went from a back and forth bounce to nothing at all. He never replied.
I climbed the stairs and stepped back into the apartment where the quiet was accompanied by the sunlight breaking through the trees. The warmth reached the living room for one of the last times of the season. Winter was closing in. Now, only a few days away. The cold, icy days had already started to make their way into our surroundings. The trees were the first to be affected by the change. They began losing the last of their orange leaves, which were now discarded in a brown coat covering the grass beneath them.
I loved the way nature was a constant process. I always felt like it was underappreciated.
"How are you able to function this early?" Lars whined from the kitchen, shuffling out from Myra's room.
"The power of coffee." I chuckled and sat on the couch with my legs crossed.
"What's that?" He suggested at the papers in my hand.
"It's a paycheck. My first one, actually."
"Oh, congratulations." He smiled and poured himself a cup of coffee. He was half-naked like all the other times he visited. And just like those times, he didn't seem to care.
"Thank you."
"I'm surprised they gave you a check, though. You'd think they'd do the payments online by now, you know?" He turned his head in my direction, but his eyes stayed glued to what he was doing.
"I don't know. I've never earned money before..."
"I guess it depends on where you work." He shrugged, filling a second cup.
"Maybe." I placed the papers on the wooden coffee table.
"Hey, Emma?" Lars put down everything and turned his body to look at me. There was a crease between his brows.
"Yeah?"
"I wanted to apologize to you."
"What for?"
"The night of the party. I've felt bad ever since. We shouldn't have forced you to come."
"You didn't force me to go. I chose to. I should have known better, that's all."
"That's the thing..." He sighed. "Aiden just..."
"It's okay, Lars, really." I smiled plainly at him, "Apology accepted."
He was relieved by the smile I gave him, and he nodded as if he understood.
"Okay. Good." He gave a crooked smile and then shuffled back into Myra's room with the two cups of coffee in his hands.
Meanwhile, I took the TV remote and began to flip through the channels until I landed on some cartoon show made for kids.
I spent the rest of the morning eating and napping and doing normal boring things. By the afternoon, Myra came over and told me to start getting ready to leave and head over to the frat house. I dressed up in sweatpants and an oversized jumper with converse shoes. It was the most comfortable outfit I owned and I swore by it, especially for a movie night.
On our way down to the car, Myra began a light conversation about the movies she was in the mood to watch. A few genres came up, one of them being horror, and I instantly shuddered at the thought of a jump scare.
Myra and Lars got in the front seats of the car and got in the back. I rested my head against the window and looked at the sunset beyond the buildings, not really paying much attention.
Lars plugged in his phone to the AUX cord and his heavy rock music connected to the stereo.
I was thankful that the drive wasn't long.
Within minutes, the car was breaking at the top of the driveway. Myra and Lars got out first to greet their friends who already at the door. I went in behind them trying to go by unseen.
The interior was exactly how I picture a frat house of boys to look. For the first time, I wasn't in a rush or overwhelmed by people so I was finally able to get a detailed look at their décor.
A few bookshelves surrounded the large flat-screen TV against the far back wall, no books in sight, however. On the opposite side of the room was the couch, soft and brown. Posters of bands and other things were hung up on any wall with enough space.
On the table was a few boxes of board games, beer bottles, and DVD cases lying around.
Myra pulled me over to all her friends, re-introducing me to a familiar boy from the party named Mike – who brought his new girlfriend, Zoe – and another called Peter. I smiled shyly at all of them and didn't speak a word. It was known that I never liked being a part of large groups, even if they weren't so large at all.
Despite my feelings, I was genuinely excited to watch a movie marathon and thanked them all for including me.
While everyone went on to continue their game of Jenga or some other board game they got out, I went to the kitchen to see if I could find any liquid that wasn't alcoholic. To my surprise, there was a large bottle of apple juice on the counter already, which just happened to be my favorite.
I poured myself a glass and joined everyone else.
"Do you play?" The boy named Peter approached me.
"What?"
"Do you play?" He pointed at the tower of wooden blocks as it fell from a forced movement made by Mike.
"Oh. Not really." I shook my head.
"Play one game with me. I'm unbeatable." He smirked at me far too confidently.
"Alright." I put my glass down and helped rebuild the tower of blocks.
"Ladies first." He said.
I felt for the loosest block in the pile, finding it in the middle. I pulled it out carefully and placed it atop the tower.
It was his turn next. He did the same.
After a few rounds, we got rid of all the loose blocks. I was lucky enough to have found a stable block on the side.
"Most lose right about now." He chuckled, placing another block on top.
"Someone's confident," I stated, finding another perfect block.
Again, he did the same.
"I'm always confident."
The tower was beginning to lose balance at the bottom. We all became wary of this, including everyone who was just watching.
I scanned each level carefully, finding yet another to take out.
"Look at that," He scratched his head. "alright."
When he went to take his turn, Lars pushed him off balance, thus creating a domino effect on the tower once he collided with it. Within seconds, it crumbled all over the table and spilled over the floor. Myra was snorting at Peter's annoyance and so was Mike.
"Come on, man!" He pushed Lars back and laughed it off.
"Does that mean I win?" I sipped from my drink.
"Fair and square, Emma!" Myra yelled from the couch.
We all found Peter's frequent complaining amusing. He held Lars accountable for his loss in the game, and he held onto this dispute even after we moved on from game to game until we decided to watch the movies.
Most of us all fit on the couch, but the ones who didn't brought out bean bags and sat around us. They put out a bowl of candy on the table and we all agreed to begin our marathon with a classic comedy. Everyone was snuggled up to either their significant other or a blanket. Peter sat next to me on the couch, bringing the bowl between us.
We watched a total of five movies before everyone was fell asleep or passed out. Most of them had played a drinking game that was designed specifically for each movie. Whenever a character said a particular word or phrase, they would take a drink. I drank too, although mine was still apple juice and theirs was not.
I was the only one left awake. Mike fell asleep first followed by Zoe, Lars, and then Myra. Peter was the last. He tried hard to stay awake and finish the movie, though he eventually gave in and was out like a light.
Being the only one left awake caused my mind to wander up to the stairs that led to Aiden's room. His door was so close. I knew he was in there. I'd seen his car on the driveway. However, he hadn't come out of his room all afternoon.
I snapped out of my thoughts and looked at the clock, not realizing it was so late. I figured that I couldn't sleep on a couch tonight, not when I had so many things to do the moment I woke up the following morning.
My back rested against the couch as I sat up and rubbed my tired eyes with the heel of my palms. I slid my shoes on and nudged Lars awake.
"Can I take the car back to the apartment?"
He nodded and handed me the keys to his car, assuring me that it was fine.
Even in the middle of the night, Berkeley was still as busy as it was during the day. It was constant traffic and red stoplights.
The windows of the car fogged up from the inside. The lights emitted by the streetlights and cars next to me were blurred and unclear. Tiny water droplets fell from the sky moments before I arrived back home. Not having any choice but to sprint to the apartment, I tried my best to avoid any heavy rain, and I did for the most part.
I turned on the heater in the room when I got inside, hearing the rain pound on the windows. I drew the curtains and closed my bedroom door. My legs eagerly crawled into the clean set of sheets on my bed.
I aimed for sleep but I was no longer tired. All of that movement had caused me to be energetic, and so I laid in bed, twisting and turning to find the perfectly comfortable spot. It was hours before I finally got close to sleep.
And for just one second, I felt myself dozing off, becoming lighter and lighter in anticipation. I was almost there until I was brought right back to my room when my phone rang on my bedside table. The entire screen lit up my dark bedroom.
Even though my eyes were stuck together and groggy, I answered the call. I held the phone to my ear, not bothering to look at the caller ID, while my head still yearned for the comfort of my pillow.
"Emma speaking," I muttered.
There was a heavy, shuddered breath. "Emma?"
I recognized the voice immediately.
It was him.
I shot up from my bed and the exhaustion I felt before dissolved faster than I could pronounce my own name.
"Aiden?"
He didn't reply.
I called his name again asking him what was happening, but I was afraid I already knew and didn't need his answer to confirm it.
His breaths morphed shorter and quicker, more frantic and stressed.
"Emma..." He whispered desperately. "It's... it's happening again." He struggled with his words. "I didn't know... who else to call." I stayed quiet and listened to everything he said, cautious to not miss a word. "I can't- I can't reach my pills... I can't move." His voice broke, "I... I need you."