"I'm on my way, do you hear me? Try to calm your breathing. I'll be there as soon as I can. You are going to be okay." I told him as I put on my shoes and gathered my keys, flying down the stairs and starting the engine again.
I drove past each street, racing to get to him. Over and over I found myself replaying his sobs in my head. The pain in his voice had almost broken me.
All I could think about was him. Hoping that when I walked through his door, he would be okay. He wouldn't be shaking or crying. He would just somehow, be okay.
I didn't know how I would be able to look at him like that again.
I cursed at the traffic lights continuing to turn red in front of me, stopping me. I cursed this city for being so busy. I cursed it all because I couldn't get to him fast enough.
I stopped the car at the top of the driveway. I burst through the door. I took the stairs by two, facing his room. My hand pushed open his door and there he was, lying there.
My heart broke. Over and over.
I reached his cold body on the floor, his phone next to him with my name still on the screen. I pulled him to my chest, holding him to the warmth of my jumper. I called his name, but he couldn't hear me. His face was stained in tears, his neck drenched by sweat. His entire body shook in my hands. There was nothing I could do to stop it.
"Emma," He sobbed quietly.
"I'm here," I told him. "I'm right here."
"I'm sorry," He cried. "I'm so sorry."
I hugged him closer to my chest as he repeated himself. He was talking, but the words didn't seem as if they were meant for me.
"Don't leave me..." He muttered as more tears continued to fall.
"I'm not leaving. I'm right here. I'm not leaving you, I promise."
My hands brushed away the wet strands of hair from his face, trying with everything I had to calm him down. I leaned closer to him until my face was burrowed into his neck and my arms were pressing him to my body.
His hands were clenched on my jumper, squeezing so tightly that his knuckles were white. His breathing was worse than it was on the phone. And it reminded me of the times my mother had panic attacks just like these. She would scream as I held her. She was in so much pain, going through so much at once.
I remembered the guilt of being by my mother's side. Seeing her like that was the worst thing I ever went through. And now, it was happening to him. He was feeling the same pain. The same hurt she was.
My own tears began falling and I tried to wipe them away quickly.
"I don't want to be your second choice," He slurred.
"What are you talking about?" My voice came out unsteady.
"Elijah." His tremors got worse. "You chose him."
"I didn't choose him," I told him.
"You did. I thought we..." He couldn't finish the sentence.
"Maybe if you had let me explain," I began, "I would have told you that he kissed me. There was never a second choice – there was just you. I wanted to be with you. I wanted to kiss you. You were the only one I wanted to choose."
"You're lying..." He pulled away from me slightly.
I tugged back just enough to see his face.
"Don't do that. Don't push me away."
"I have to." He tried to fight me but his body was too weak. All I could do was hold him as he found his words. "I don't know how to do anything else. I... I hurt people. It's what-" He completely froze in my arms for a single, peaceful moment before returning to his shivers. "It's what I've always done. And I don't want to hurt you, either."
Suddenly, Aiden was convulsing. I didn't believe it could get worse than what it was, and yet it had.
I stroked his arms and his back and his head. Still, nothing worked. I was desperate. I was scared for him.
"The pills..." Aiden's bottom lip trembled. "Y-you need to get... the pills."
I looked around the room frantically.
"Where are they?"
"Dresser."
My head shot up and saw the small yellow bottle on top of the dresser. As much as it pained me to do so, I was forced to let go of him in order to get them.
"You need to breathe, Aiden. Breathe in... and then breathe out." I placed a hand on his chest, feeling his rapid heartbeat under my own shaky palm. "I need to get the pills."
He barely nodded, his eyes still shut closed.
I slowly let go of him and raced to the pills, opening the cap and spilling two of them on my hand.
I grabbed the glass half-full of water on his bedside table and got on my knees beside Aiden once more.
I lifted him up so he could sit against the wall and take his medication, but his heavy body made the task infinitely more difficult.
"You need to open your eyes." I voiced, holding his hand open.
"I can't..." He shook his head, wincing.
"Yes, you can... I know you can." I urged him on, afraid.
The moment his eyes fluttered open, my gut wrenched.
I had seen this look of defeat on him before, however now it wasn't just that... Now, he looked so... broken.
I placed the pills in his hands, watching him intently as he let them fall into his mouth. I handed him the glass of water, but when his shaky hands couldn't keep the liquid from spilling over the edge, I took the glass back and held it to his lips.
He took small sips until he was able to swallow the pills whole.
"You know that you need to go now, don't you?" He whispered, staring at the floor.
"I'm not going anywhere." I refused, staying by his side. "I'm staying right here and there is nothing you can do or say that will make me leave."
He didn't say any more on the topic. He simply slipped into silence.
I sat next to him for a long while, listening to his breathing, making sure it went back to normal and the medication took its effect.
Aiden's raspy voice cut through the air.
"Did you mean it before?" He met my gaze.
I was taken by the shine in his eyes even with so much darkness around us.
"What?"
"The things you said, about... choosing me. Did you really mean it?"
I nodded. "I did."
"But, why did you stay?"
I tore my eyes from his.
"I was afraid."
There was a short pause.
"Of what?"
"That you'd hurt yourself."
His tone lowered. "Why?"
I lifted my head and met his tired eyes.
"Do you remember when I told you about my mother and her panic attacks?"
He nodded.
"When they first started, I was really young. I didn't know any better when she told me to leave her, too. She... hurt herself. Took too many pills." I bit my lower lip hard. "I never left her alone after that. More for my sake than hers."
Aiden glanced down at my hands pressed together.
"Because you're afraid..."
"Yes. I don't think I could ever forgive myself if she got hurt again and I wasn't there. She was the one who begged me to go to college here. I always dreamed of going here, but I wanted to be closer to her, to take care of her. But she didn't allow me to. She basically pushed me through the door herself."
We continued to sit against the wall without saying anything. We didn't need to.
I don't know how long we stayed like this, but we did. When he finally spoke again, I was almost asleep and leaning my head on his shoulder.
"It wasn't your fault, Emma." He said quietly. "You didn't know better. You can't blame yourself for what happened."
"I know." I barely whispered. "May I ask... the pills – how long have you been taking them?"
He swallowed.
"A long time." He stressed his words, "No one knows about... this."
"You never told me how they started."
Aiden tilted his head back against the wall and stared at the ceiling.
"I don't want to talk about that." He cleared his throat.
"Please?"
He sighed and pulled his legs to his chest, holding his stare with mine.
"I can't get away from the things that haunt me." He raked through his hair, tugging at the roots. "There is no light in my life, Emma. There is just darkness, and it feels like I'm constantly suffocating. There is just... pain. All I feel is pain. And I am all alone."
I took his hand in mine, shaking my head. "You are not alone. You have me."