By the time we had finished eating, Gabriel had already excused himself and disappeared into his room. Meanwhile, my father helped clear the table while Barbara and I loaded them into the dishwasher and wiped the counters clean. Then suddenly, we were talking about Gabriel. The two of them began recounting stories and remembering what he was like as a mere two year old. I observed the way they spoke about him with such grace and admiration, as if they were the luckiest parents alive. And when they told a certain story of the three of them in the garden, they shared a small laugh that connected their eyes. That was perhaps the moment I knew that this house wasn't filled with bitterness and resentment. No, this house was structured and built on happy memories, picture frames and painted-over drawings made by the crayons in Gabriel's tiny hands.
I could have sat there for hours just listening to them, but the time on the clock pointed out otherwise. I stood up from the island chair and smiled at them with comfort and ease.
"I should get going..."
They both turned to me and frowned.
"You could stay the night..." My father said quickly, as if he had been thinking about it for a while.
"Sam, let her take this one step at a time. You can't rush it." Barbara said quietly and laced her arm on her husband's, letting it rest there.
"You're right... I'm sorry." He nodded and met my eyes, peacefully.
"I had a really nice time, thank you for inviting me." I looked over at Barbara who already left Sam's side and came to me, pulling me into a tight hug. "It was so nice to meet you Barbara, thank you for making me feel at home."
"This is your home too." She whispered, stroking the ends of my hair and giving me a small squeeze. "It will always be open to you, Emma."
***
When I got into my car with the book my father had gifted me, and the leftovers Barbara insisted I take with me, I started the car and gave them a final wave as I backed out of the driveway. It wasn't long down the road when my eyes began to water and tears fell against my warm cheeks. They were happy tears... and I let myself cry like that the entire drive back home.
When I unlocked the apartment door I rubbed my face with my hands, and stepped inside. The living room lights were on and I found Myra sitting with a pizza box in her lap while she watched the TV. The moment she saw me, she paused whatever she had been watching and turned on her stomach to look at me.
"I have something to ask you and you are not allowed to question it." She stated.
I walked further into the room and placed my keys on the table along with my bag, looking at her strangely.
"What is it?" I took off my shoes and coat.
"Out of curiosity, and only that, what does your perfect date sound like?"
"Why are you curious about that?" I giggle.
"I told you not to question it! Just answer the question!" She waved her hand dismissively.
"Well, I don't know. I've never really thought about it." I tell her honestly.
"Oh, come on," She rolls her eyes and takes a bite of her new pizza slice. "You must have something you picture for a first date." She adds with a mouthful.
I looked outside the window for a moment and it was there that I found my answer.
"The stars." I smiled proudly and walked into my room carrying my coat and shoes.
"The stars? What the hell does that mean? Is that supposed to be a metaphor for something? Do you mean space?" She calls out.
I shrugged with a grin and shut my door, hearing her grunt all the way from behind it.
I then continued to change out of today's clothes and get ready for bed. Tomorrow was supposed to be one of my easiest days so far, considering I was about a week ahead of all my homework and assignments, so I slept like a log.
However, in the morning all was prepared to come crashing down. My alarm failed to go off, which then caused me to wake up about twenty minutes before my first class. I thought I would be fine and still be on time, but I was beyond wrong.
As I packed my bag in a rush and then headed outside, the straps broke and all my notes flooded the concrete pathway. After I was finally able to get everything back in order and get myself in the car, I got a notification from yesterday that came from two of my English professors saying that the new workload we had been given for this week had been changed and was also due in two days. This meant that all the work I had done previously, was no longer valid. So now, not only did I have a completely new workload, but I also had a completely new workload that was due in two days.
On top of all that, my car was running out of gas and I had no time to fill it up, not to mention the sudden traffic that I was stuck with. Everything seemed to be going wrong and the stress I was gaining from it was not helping my circumstances.
As fast as I could drive (while still keeping to the speed limit) I parked a few blocks away from the college since all the other parking spaces had been taken up. I hurried out of my car and didn't even have the time to take a breath as I paced over the campus grounds and into my class.
I spent the rest of the day arriving late to all my classes, struggling with my bag and my books. Even when my professors called upon me to answer a question, I rummaged through the mess of my notes to find something, anything to give me a response, but only came up empty. In consequence of that, everyone around me including the teacher was giving me pitiful looks or hiding their laughter. At that point, I was close to tears.
After what had been a complete wreckage of events, I began walking away from the building where I had my last class and thought about going home. I thought about calling Will, I thought of emailing all of my professors for an extension on my assignments, and I thought of every different way to get out of here as quickly as I could. But unexpectedly, I found myself heading to the college library.
I wasn't entirely sure why I had changed my mind or why I wanted to go there, but I did anyway. I pushed the doors open and walked past some library workers to the back of the library where it seemed to be empty.
I sat down at one of the back tables that was closest to the bookshelves and took out my crinkled papers and crushed books. I let my head fall into the palm of my hands and blew out a mouthful of air. I was so far in my head that I never noticed the new and small huff of breaths that came from nearby. I stopped doing whatever I was doing and focused on those sounds that came chopped with sobs in between.
I peered behind the books to see into the next aisle for a sign of anyone, but it wasn't until a few minutes later when I walked around the large wooden case filled with astronomy books that I came across someone sitting against them.
His hand was on his chest as if he couldn't feel his heartbeat, his cheeks were stained with tears, his eyes closed and shut with fear, and his body was pressed tightly in a fetal position while his limbs trembled. I stared. I couldn't do anything else as I watched him cry and mumble fragmented sentences. He was so small and vulnerable, like Gabriel when he was lost in that ocean of people. But Aiden wasn't in an ocean of people... he was alone.... he was alone and having a panic attack where no one could see or hear him.
I got on the floor next to him and pulled him in my arms as tightly as I could. He clung onto me almost immediately, his knuckles turning white holding on to my sweater. I tried talking to him, trying to calm him down but my words bounced off him like hard-hitting rain. His breathing was all wrong and his shirt was drenched at the collar. I tried soothing him by cradling his head in my hands and stroking his back like I did when my mother had panic attacks, but it wasn't working. He seemed to be in free-fall, his thoughts all over the place until he mumbled my name.
"You're okay." I held him tighter against me, repeating the words over and over again.