Aiden schooled my features in a hard glare as I stormed inside his room. The whole place was broken up in two parts: the first being messy piles of clothes on the floor and open drawers, and the second, a perfectly tidy bed and a desk in the middle with a pair of black shoes that lined up perfectly with the frame of the door that Aiden shut behind me.
It was strange to walk through the space where he slept. It didn't feel like someone truly lived here. It was... lonely and cold, much like Aiden had been with me in the past. The blinds were half closed, blocking out the main sources of sunlight. The entire room was stripped to the bare necessities of one person. There were no frames or posters hung up on the walls, nothing to indicate a hobby or single memory with family. However what intrigued me the most, was the small and transparent yellow prescription bottle sitting on top of his nightstand, practically empty. From where I stood I couldn't read the label, but their presence in the room caught me off guard completely.
When Aiden saw what I spotted, he tread across the room and took them in his hand, shoving them deep in his pocket.
I couldn't describe the feeling that buried itself in the pit of my stomach, but it locked itself in place as I tried to shake what I saw from my memory and remember why I came in the first place.
"I-I don't care what you do with your life, Aiden. Frankly, it is none of my business, but I am not a pushover or a puppet for you to play with when you're bored!" I howled. "I know what happened with Aubrey after you ran away from me last night, and if you want to hook-up with other girls, fine by me, just leave me the hell out of it!"
I paced around, trying to sort through everything I needed to say to him, yet seeing his face pointed at the ground, ignoring me, only brought more distaste into my words.
"I really thought we both felt the same thing when we kissed. I thought I could finally begin to understand you..." I shook my head, quickly beginning to raise my voice. "For a single moment, I felt for you... and it was just another mistake!"
His head shot up straight away and he looked at me with a frown that gently drowned his words. "It wasn't a mistake."
"Everything we do together seems to be a mistake!" My voice broke. "I am tired of being used and treated like dirt by someone who doesn't even care about me!"
Aiden clenched his jaw and his eyes tightened. He turned his back to me and forcibly closed the drawers on his dresser, removing himself from the conversation entirely. He didn't have to say anything for me to understand that he didn't want me here, that he wasn't interested in what I was trying to say.
It was amusing to me that there used to be a time when he would do the same thing and I would have brushed it off, but when he did it now, it stung.
"You don't get to turn your back on me, Aiden." I sniffled. "You don't get to avoid me you're the one that messed up!"
"I think it's best if you leave."
"Why? Do you have some other blonde to get to?"
"Get out... please, just get out." He breathed heavily while repeating himself, pleading.
I continued despite his attempts. "You know, every time I begin to think you aren't the bad person that everyone tells me you are, you somehow find a way to prove me wrong! You are so convinced that people see you in a bad light, yet you do nothing to let somebody see otherwise!"
Instead of closing the drawers in the same manner in which he was doing before, Aiden started to slam them as loudly as he could. The wood smacked against itself and drowned out my words - he was doing it on purpose.
"I feel sorry for you," I muttered. "I truly do."
He tensed his hands as they trembled relentlessly at his sides. He buried one of them in his pocket, reaching for the exact place he had hidden his pills.
"You really let me down, Aiden." I brushed past him and grabbed onto the door handle, pausing to look up at him for the last time. I could just see his face, the way it was drained of colour and his eyes had closed. "You really are exactly what everyone told me you were."
"And what's that?"
"Not worth my time."
As I walked out of the frat house for possibly the last time, a little voice in my head spoke. I avoided listening to it, too afraid I might believe what it was telling me.
I unlocked my car and sighed, looking at the driveway. The air whipped at my face, the sun beginning to set between the trees and the clouds slowly disappearing.
That was when I lifted my eyes to the loud thud of the front door closing behind Aiden. He took the steps by two, striding towards me angrily, his eyes filled with rage and fire. His boots beat heavily on the concrete in the same rhythm as my heartbeat. When he stopped in front of me, my heart stopped with him.
"You want to know why I kissed Aubrey?" He yelled, his words clearer than ever. "I kissed her because it was the only way I could make sure that what I felt for you in the field was fucking real! That it wasn't just some made up thing in my head!" His voice cracked as he continued to shout. "I know how messed up that is, but I have never felt like this before! I've never felt an ache in my stomach like the one I get when I see you cry! I have never felt every single part of me burn, yet you set me on fucking fire! When I'm with you, everything around me just suddenly blows up and it scares the living shit out of me!" He paused momentarily, the veins in his neck visible. "I'm sorry that I mess up, okay? I'm sorry I let you down. And I'm sorry that I continue to hurt you."
I felt the full intensity of his words. I felt the weight of them in my ears. I felt the emotion and the constraints in his voice, and I stood completely still as everything inside me churned; my skin smothered in a layer of small Goosebumps.
Aiden gently placed his forehead against mine, breathing softly yet quickly.
"Can I please kiss you?" He begged.
I nodded once and instantly, his lips crushed mine in the sweetest torture. We were condemned to one another, pure and vulnerable. Simply, we were ignited.
With our tongues tied, my fingers ran across his jaw and up to his hair, feeling it slide between my fingers. Meanwhile Aiden's hands were placed on my cheek and my waist, pulling me closer to his torso, leading us up against my car.
I didn't know what we were promising to one another with this kiss, but whatever it was, I wanted it... I wanted it more than anything.
As if Aiden suddenly realized everything he had just said and done, he pulled back and shook his head. I tried getting closer to him but he stepped back fast and created distance between us.
"I don't want to hurt you..." The pained expression in his eyes hit me hard. "I don't... I need- I need time to think... I'm sorry." He said, and not a moment later, he got into his car.
I had no clue where he was going, I didn't know whether to go after him or leave him, and by the time I had come to a conclusion, he was already gone.
I sunk down in my car seat and dug my head in my hands trying to figure out everything. The more I thought, the more I realized that Aiden had become a driving force for me. One that pushed me each time further into deep water, and it could feel remarkable and breathtaking, or it could feel daunting and indefinite.
I pushed the knots in my hair away from my face and breathed. Breathing was the only thing I could do – I didn't have a clue about the rest.
My phone buzzed from the passenger seat, announcing Elijah's name on the screen. I picked it up and held it in my hands, reading his text message.
'Hey! I just found out your job at the library starts next week, Wednesday!'
I wrote back, thanking him.
'Yeah, no worries! I was also thinking, if you wanted to of course, that I could give you a ride there? We could go together and I could introduce you to everyone.'
I bit the insides of my cheek while my fingers typed the words.
'Great! I'll meet you outside the campus parking lot and I'll find you. My car is the white Mercedes.'
Once more, I thanked him, and then I called Will, who was waiting for me at the coffee shop.
"What happened? Are you okay?" Will asked immediately after answering the call.
"Yeah, yeah! I just wanted to call you and let you know that I don't think I can do coffee today. I'm not feeling very well."
"Are you sure you're okay? I can come by your apartment if you like?"
I slid my gaze from my lap to Aiden's window with a frown. "No... I'm fine, really. I'm sorry to cancel. I know you were looking forward to today."
"No-no don't mention it. As long as you're okay."
I smiled at Will's caring personality and ended the phone call after that.
The drive back to my apartment was slow and quiet. I didn't listen to my music the way I normally would, and I didn't look out the windows, at the trees and the people walking on the street when I hit a red light. I just... drove home.
When I unlocked my apartment door and walked across the short hallway leading up to my room, I felt tired and still, very confused. I didn't have the energy to think about anything that happened today, and suddenly, I felt alone. I wished that I had taken Will up on his offer to come by and to just talk to him. He is always good company, and frankly, the best friend I have ever had.
I sat down on my desk chair and looked down at all the papers I needed to write, all the assignments I needed to complete by the end of week, and it was the last thing I wanted to do.
I walked out of my room and towards the kitchen to prepare myself a cup of tea. I somehow needed to force myself into my schoolwork because I didn't know what else to do, considering it was only six in the afternoon. I also didn't like watching movies or any random thing knowing that I had more important things to do, it was a habit I got myself into.
I went to take a cup from the cupboard when a knock came from the front door. I wondered if it was Lars or Myra, but I ruled them out when I remembered they had their own keys. Then I wondered if it was Aiden. My heart sped up at the thought and I opened the door, finding Will standing there with two coffee cups in his hands and a cheerful smile.
"I thought you could use some company... I know you said not to come over but-"
"Thank you, Will." I took the cups from his hands and set them down on the table. "Thank you for coming."
Will flashed me another smile and nodded, closing the door behind him on his way in. We both sat down in the same arrangement we would be in if we were at the coffee shop, however this felt better than that – it felt more personal.
Will spoke after a few minutes of silence. "Can I ask what happened?"
"Regarding what?"
"You know what... you don't look sick and you're terrible at lying, so what happened?"
I studied him for a while, observing how his brows were raised with his concern, and how he had said his words at a slow pace.
I sighed and crossed my arms above the table. "I went and saw Aiden today."
I watched Will, waiting for his features to twist into a grimace or a frown. They didn't. He listened and waited for me to continue.
I told him everything that happened, from finding Aiden in the library to kissing him, and then I told him about today. I told him how I felt, the frustration and the confusion, but I also told him about the feeling I had when I was with him, the sparks and longing I had never felt before. I told him everything, even what Aiden said to me merely half an hour ago. Will continued to listen. He nodded along in some parts and narrowed his brows in others. He even smiled once or twice.
When I was finished, he puffed his cheeks with air and exhaled. He sat back in his chair and rubbed the back of his neck.
"Jesus... Do you think he's serious about what he said?"
"I-I don't know, Will... everything is just so confusing right now."
"Well, now I get why you didn't come to the coffee shop..." He chuckled nervously, and then sat up straight. "Look, even though I don't agree with the things Aiden does and I don't like him, I... I think he's telling you the truth." He pursed his lips into a straight line. "From what you've told me, I can't think of a single reason why he would lie about something like that. No one would say that if they didn't mean it, and you know it, especially when it revolves around someone as closed off and complicated as he is. I have never seen him open up to anyone about his feelings. I've never seen him have a panic attack and trust me, I've been around him a lot." He inhaled deeply. "I can imagine how confused you must be feeling, I don't even understand it myself."
I finished my coffee rather quickly, perhaps because of everything Will had said. It hadn't cleared up much for me, but it had made me question things further, truly questioning whether Aiden meant everything he said.
"I also start the Library job next Wednesday." I said.
"That's great, Emma! I'm so happy for you!"
"Thank you."
"You don't sound happy..."
"I am, there's just a lot going on right now and it would be nice if things could just slow down for a while." I rubbed my palm against my eyes. "Also, Elijah offered to take me to the library and show me around."
"That was nice of him." Will smiled.
"I know, he's helped me so much since the moment we met and he continues to be nice to me even though I've done nothing to deserve it."
"Shut up, of course you deserve it." He shook his head lightly.
"Anyways, how are you? How have things been at home?"
"My father is having an affair and my mother is throwing vases at him again. I'd say it's going pretty normal."
"I'm sorry you have to deal with that, Will."
He stopped looking at me. "It's actually one of the reasons I wanted to see you today. It's a good distraction from everything going on back at home."
"Why don't you stay here tonight?"
Will raised his eyes. "What? I can't do that..."
"Why not? We have a comfy pull-out couch you can use and it's better than being at home."
"I can't... it wouldn't be prudent."
"Forget about being prudent. We're friends, and besides, it would be nice to have some company. Myra's been out all week and I've had this place all to myself."
I stood from the table and walked to the closet in the hall to grab a pillow and blankets. Will fought me on the idea the entire time I made the couch into his bed. He finally gave in when I mentioned homemade breakfast that wasn't expensive, or made by a professional chef. That was the thing that made him agree.
"Thank you, Emma. I really appreciate this, and if you need help to make breakfast or anything, please let me know."
"You are very welcome, however I am an excellent cook and won't need your help."
"I'll make the coffee, at least."
I squinted my eyes at him playfully. "Fine."