Words left me quickly. My brain stuttered and I paused, waiting for my thoughts to catch up to me. I didn't fully process what he said, and for a short moment I thought I had made it up in my head until he repeated himself.
My gaze followed him as he laid back down on the blanket beside me, and I found myself thinking.
"Aiden,"
He turned his head in my direction.
"Why do you push people away?"
He looked at me concisely, bringing his line of sight downwards. On impulse, he placed the company of his hands on my hair as it was stretched out on the blanket. His slim fingers reached out and twirling a single strand between them, while his eyes became fixated. He appeared to be in the middle of a thought and hadn't noticed the act. When he did, he kept himself there, completely still.
"Everyone is better off without me." He chuckled, but it came out forced.
"That's not true."
"Things are easier the way they are, Emma." His eyes fell onto his hands. "Why change something that has no purpose in the first place?"
"Because no one deserves to be alone."
He raised a brow, "And who gets to decide that? Me?"
"Yes,"
"Don't make me laugh, Emma."
"I'm serious." I insisted.
Aiden propped himself up on one arm.
"Would you, then?"
"Would I what?"
"Would you, knowing what I'm like, willingly want to be around me?"
"Y-yes..."
He looked me up and down, leaned forward and shook his head. "You're lying."
"No-No I'm not..."
He played with his bottom lip. "Your cheeks are flushed red, Emma. Your skin is hot and you look away every time your beautiful eyes meet mine."
"W-what-"
"Not to mention you stutter every time you try and from a sentence..." He said, suddenly looking at me - really looking at me, and it wasn't like those other times where he prepared to make a remark - no, this time it was unguarded, vulnerable.
"Aiden...?" I called out to him when I saw his jaw muscles twitch.
"Pease, don't talk right now."
"Why?"
He took a sharp intake of breath and held it.
"Because I'm trying with everything I have, not kiss you right now, and you're making it incredibly hard."
He skimmed my face as if he was learning it. His long fingers coaxed my head up and I couldn't stop the heat that rose to my cheeks.
Then all the air that he had been holding in his lungs blew out.
"Fuck it," He said, and smashed his lips against mine.
Instantly, all my senses were consumed as he cupped my face with his callused hands, slowly allowing me to fall on the blanket, faces intertwined. The jacket that had previously been keeping me warm was pulled away and tossed next to us. Shivers flooded my skin and his firm grip on me heated it more and more, until we were in a fuelled tango of deceit.
We stayed like this, under the stars, stuck in a slow and eternal blaze. It was clear for the both of us that whatever we had been feeling in the past weeks, whatever built up anger and attraction we had for each other, gradually dissolved together in this moment, leaving ourselves standing before each other without excuses. It was just the two of us, in a field, burning before the world.
Even if this was just a kiss and nothing more, it made me feel more alive than I had ever been. He was difficult and stubborn, but that was a barrier, a wall he had built for himself to separate the world away from him. And the tall wall he built had cracked.
"I want to take things slow..." I breathed heavily. "I don't- I don't want to move too fast and ruin whatever this is."
Aiden smiled softly, a nod with his words, "I want the same thing."
"Are you sure?" I asked. I couldn't help myself. I knew his past with previous girls, and even though I wouldn't hold it against him, I had to be sure that he knew I wouldn't be giving myself to him so quickly.
"Have you done it before?"
"I have, once." I nodded. "But I need time to figure out what... what this is first." I waved my hand between him and I. "I'm not the kind of girl to sleep around with the first guy I like, Aiden. And I would understand if you don't want the same thing."
"If time is what you need, take as much of it as you want." He said. "I'll wait."
With everything I had experienced with Aiden, I could hardly believe those words were coming from him. I had my mind set on the fact that he was arrogant, and rude, maybe even impatient, but seeing this side of him made me believe that there was a possibility he wasn't all I first thought he was. Still, I refused to let myself dive into that idea just yet. I wasn't a fool.
Aiden and I laid together for a little while longer in an idyllic silence, until the cold set deeper in the field. We folded the blanket and tucked it back in the car, took one last final glance at the scenery, and drove away. I didn't know when the next time I would see the field was, so I made sure to savor it, imprinting it in my memory while I snuggled back into his jacket.
The road back to the apartment was peaceful and undisturbed, however when I looked over at Aiden, his eyes were restless. They attached to every little thing we passed by; whether it was a shrub or a plant. His brows twisted and knotted together alongside his thoughts, and the further we drove, the more on edge he became. I tried not to ask, to let him be, but I became nervous.
I tried to reach for the stereo to numb the silence, but Aiden stopped me faster than I could blink.
"Please, don't touch that." He said, fidgeting nervously.
Before I could ask why, I realized we were only a block away from my apartment building.
"Aiden, are you okay? Is there something wrong?"
He didn't even look at me, let alone say anything.
The moment he parked, he rushed out of the car. He opened my door, impatient as if in a hurry to be elsewhere.
He handed me the keys and called one of his friends for a ride. Meanwhile, I stood there completely oblivious as to why he was acting this way. It was strange... he wasn't angry; he was confused and battling himself with something, a hint of fear shining in the white of his eyes.
"You should get inside." He said. "It's cold."
"What's going on?"
"Nothing," He lied, his words turning crisp and cold.
"So we're back to this? Are you serious?"
"I don't know, maybe." He shrugged, but I was thrown off by his uncertainty.
The car he had called to pick him up turned the corner up ahead and made it's way over to us.
"What about your jacket? And the blanket?"
"Just keep the jacket, okay? Do whatever you want." He opened the door to the car but paused before getting in. He looked in my direction, his tone much softer. "I'll you see you around."
When he left, I felt like kicking the next thing I saw.
I dragged myself up to my room confused more than ever, frustrated more than ever. I didn't understand what happened between the field and the drive back that changed Aiden's mind, and I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to know. Perhaps he had changed his mind about me. Perhaps he didn't feel the same way I did about us.
Myra was out with Lars so she wasn't home, and the only thing left for me to do was sleep through the night, unaware of just about everything around me.
***
Like every other day, Will and I made plans to hang out at the coffee shop after class. It was cold and the leaves fell from high trees onto piles surrounding them. I watched them as I made my way over to meet Will, and that was how I bumped into someone tall and with a muscular build. His chestnut hair resembled that of the leaves and his stubble made his appearance look much older and rugged than he might have actually been.
"I'm sorry," I blurt.
When this man looked down at me, he seemed to recognize me. His gaze turned curious and he came closer to me.
"Are you... Emma?" His thick brows framed his face and his small lips curled into a smirk. "It is! You're the girl that all guys at the frat house are talking about!"
"I think you've got the wrong Emma..." I stared at him, waiting.
"No..." He shook his head aggressively. "You're the Emma we were talking about. You're Aiden's latest doll in his collection."
"Doll?" I repeated his words.
He nodded his head.
"Did Aiden say that?"
"Oh, no, that's just what the guys call his girlfriends."
"Girlfriends?"
"It didn't last very long for you two, though..." He laughed mockingly. "Considering what happened with him and Aubrey last night."
"What are you talking about?"
"Well," He wiped his palm over his freckled forehead with a proud grin. "When he came home last night the first thing he did was make out with Aubrey. It was the strangest thing! After that he completely left her hanging and disappeared into his room. Hasn't come out since."
"W-what? Who's Aubrey?" Desolation dripped from my quiet voice.
"Aubrey is the girl he was making out at that party you went to. Anyways, it was nice to meet you. You're much hotter than you've been described." He patted me on the back firmly and walked away.
I was plagued by anger, confusion, frustration and disappointment. I couldn't understand how Aiden had cared so little about what happened in the field between us. No wonder he was so eager to get away from me. However, I wish I could say I was surprised...
I closed my eyes and tried my best to calm myself but it was a poor attempt. It made things worse. So much so, that I found myself driving to the frat house myself.
It felt like I was there in seconds. Parked on the driveway, and soon enough, standing in their living room. It was odd to see it so empty and quiet, but that was probably because the only two occasions I had been here, there had been parties with hundreds of people.
Three guys sat around the coffee table, staring at the large flat screen in front of them.
"Where's Aiden?" I asked as nicely as I could, trying my best to subdue the anger in my voice.
All three of them turned around and looked up at me as if I was a piece of meat on display, one of them scoffing.
"Where is Aiden?" I say louder, clearer.
"He's pissed off one of his whores again..." One of them said, making a blond guy next to him laugh.
"Do I need to repeat myself, or are you all just too mentally challenged to answer me?"
The blond guy stopped laughing and grit his teeth. "He's up the stairs. Second door on the right."
"Thank you."
I heard him utter a curse word under his breath but I ignored it and moved swiftly up the stairs, looking for the second door on the right. When I found it, I didn't hesitate to knock and make my presence known.
"Aiden!" I knock again when there's no answer.
Then there were footsteps from his side of the door, heavy ones that became louder and louder until the door pulled back, and I was met with his messy, curly black hair and tired eyes.
"You are a despicable human being." I spat out.