His breathing seemed to ease under my touch, his limbs no longer shivering to the wave of his thoughts. And as I held him, calming him the only way I knew how, my heart shattered for him. I knew what this was like and I didn't wish it on anybody, not even my worst enemy.
"Aiden?" I whispered his name, trying my best not alarm him.
He continued to hold me tightly, not yet giving me a sign that he was ready to let go, so I let him stay there for a little while longer, knowing his breathing began to slow and his sobs were barely that.
"Aiden?" I called again, and this time, his grip on my sweater loosened.
His head shifted and moved away from me, sitting against the bookshelf and rubbing his face, wiping the dread from his face.
"I'm sorry you had to see that... you shouldn't-" He began, hiding his face from me. "I won't be a burden to you."
I looked down at my thighs and thought for a moment.
"You know, when my mother had panic attacks, we usually went for a drive and explored a part of the town we hadn't discovered yet. It was the only way I could take her mind off from the things that haunted her."
"I'm not haunted by anything." He said coldly, and then finally, he looked at me.
I could barely stand the sight of his worn out face and drawn eyes. There was something about them that screamed for help, yet kept to themselves in panic. They were sunken, shedding a thousand tears before them.
"Nevertheless, thank you. Thank you for..." He breathed lightly. "For being here."
I smiled at him, small and understandingly. Then I stood up and held my hands out for him to hold on to.
"How do you feel about exploring?"
Aiden looked up at me with knitted brows. "What?"
"Come on, Blackwood. Don't tell me you're afraid of a little nature." I teased gently, aware of the emotional strain he was just through.
"It's not that." He shook his head. "I don't understand... why."
I considered my next answer carefully.
"I was always taught to treat people with kindness no matter who they are or what they've done. Even if sometimes, they may not deserve it." I smiled and nodded towards my extended hands. "Are you going to leave me hanging forever?"
Aiden stared at me, blank from any expression. Then, he placed his large hands into mine and picked himself up from the floor. He was more composed now, tall but not his usual stern self.
I went back to where I had been studying and packed up my things, Aiden following close behind, however not saying a word.
While we made our way outside of the library, I looked through my busted bag for my car keys. The task was particularly difficult since my hands were cold and unsteady. Yet, when Aiden saw me struggling he offered to look for them himself. I didn't say anything while I handed the bag to him, though I was questioning his intentions, wondering if he would take this as an advantage to look through my belongings and mock me like he had done before.
"Would you like me to drive?" Harmlessly, he handed me the bag again.
"Do you have a specific place you want to go to?"
"I have one in mind. I haven't been before, but I've wanted to go for a while. It's tranquil." He added, "I think you might like it."
I nodded and hugged the bag to my chest.
Before we got to my car Aiden disappeared, telling me he needed to get something. I had no idea where he went, but not soon after, I saw him heading closer to me with something large and dark bunched up in his hands.
When he reached me, Aiden handed over a blanket and simply opened the door for me.
"You brought a blanket?" I asked, not lingering on his thoughtful gesture.
"We're going to need one for where we're going."
"We are we going?"
"It won't be exploring if you know where you're going, Emma." He said and shut my door.
The moment he started the car and began to drive out of the campus parking lot, I turned to him with the purpose of asking him a question.
"Can I ask you something?"
He adjusted himself into the seat, sliding it back so it would fit his stature better. Then he nodded.
"Why are we going in my car?" He didn't say anything so I carried on, "I just... I know you don't like it and you find it too small. You said so yourself, so I was just wondering..."
He shrugged and stared back at the red light in front of us.
"No reason."
The light switched to green and he drove again.
I leaned my head back against the headrest and observed the sunset through the window. The entire sky bled orange and the clouds hid between the buildings in the far distance until the sun had completely disappeared under the horizon.
I watched on as the roads turned to gravel and the streetlights turned into trees. The busy city that had once been overcrowded with traffic became an avenue of plants and large shrubs running along either side of us.
We continued down the same track, the rocks crunching beneath the tires. Soon enough, we ended at a great empty field encased by more trees.
Aiden twisted the key and shut off the car, leaving the headlights on. He stepped out and closed his eyes for a brief moment. His chest rose with fragility and a sense of calm passed over him like the gentle breeze he stood between.
Without any patience left, I opened my door and eagerly stepped out into nighttime. The moment I gazed up at the sky, I dissolved in its brilliance. The array of stars rested on a dark velvet paradise, bright and vivid as if they were born to play with the moon forever.
I had never seen a night like this. It was bold and sharp, all the while fixed and ever-changing.
"What are we doing here?" I called out to Aiden, still trapped amongst the scenery above me.
"We're exploring the stars." He smiled with his eyes.
The next thing I knew, Aiden was pulling out the blanket from the backseat and spread it open. He stretched it out and laid it on the part of the grass that was trimmed and lit up by headlights. He sat down on it and waited for me to do the same, but I had grown tense and weary.
"You won't be able to see the sky looking down at your hands, Emma." Aiden chuckled. However, it quickly faded when his eyes swept over my face. "Did I do something wrong?"
"No... I..." I blinked rapidly, knowing he had noticed my body language as soon as I sat down beside him.
"I don't know about you," He began while lying back against the blanket and crossing his arms behind his head. "But I think that looking at the stars is like looking at time capsule."
I turned my head to look at him better.
"How so?" I eased my hands on my lap, rubbing them together subtly.
"Think about light years... the measurement of distance between planets or stars. It's all based on time. It takes around eight minutes for the sun's light to reach earth, so the light we see is eight minutes old. If you take that example and use it for planets, you could be looking at the past."
"Isn't that just a theory?" I questioned, analyzing the way his mouth moved as he spoke again.
"Yes, it is just a theory. I don't know much about stars or space, but it is fun to imagine it like that."
I let myself fall back on the blanket next to Aiden and simply just allow myself to wonder.
"Can I ask you another question?"
He looked at my position on the blanket and smiled to himself. He nodded once more.
"I know this is personal so you don't have to answer..."
"Go on, just ask." He sighed deeply, as if he knew what I was about to ask.
"What... what was your panic attack about?"
He swallowed and shifted his arms from his head to rest on his chest.
"My mind is a very dark place, Emma. It's filled with things I want to forget. I don't wish to say more on the topic."
A few moments passed before I spoke again. I could feel the tension in his voice when he talked, as if pain had been buried deep within it. And I was afraid to say the wrong the thing.
With a stronger breeze that blew throughout my blouse, goose bumps rose on my skin. I shivered, trying to warm myself up with blanket under us. It was useless.
"Are you cold?"
"A little..." I told him with a weak smile. "I'm alright, though."
Aiden shook his head once more and sat up, shrugging off his leather jacket.
"You don't have to. Please, keep it on. You'll get cold too."
"Don't be stubborn." He said and handed me the jacket. "Please, just put it on."
I sat up too and contemplated the offer in his hand. Did this come with an insult? Would he make me feel bad about it later? I couldn't help the doubt that arose in my head.
"It's odd..." I mumble, while pulling his warm clothing around my shoulders.
It smelt like him, like a strong cloud of sweet cologne.
"What's odd?"
"You being kind... It's odd."
Aiden lifted the corner of his lips up. "It's all about perspective."
"Perspective?"
"Yes. The things you know when you see something, and what you don't." Aiden angled his head in my direction but didn't look at me. Instead, he fixed his stare on the blanket with a slight frown. "I believe I'm always seen as the bad guy because people see what they want to see, not because of what's actually there. We choose to select certain aspects of a person and then judge their entire life depending on one action or one rumor. We decide what they are like before we even know their name."
"That's not fair."
"Exactly." His chest rose with a deeper breath, the muscles in his arms flexed. "You never treated me fairly. You never thought I was much more than an asshole with no feelings and bad grades. You didn't think about the fact that we attend the same college, that we take the same complex classes."
I parted my mouth, speechless.
"What about the other day, when you entered the coffee shop with your friend and you were rude to the girl who took your order? You threw your money at her as if she were a servant. Is that about perspective, too?"
"Yes." He sounded assured. "The friend that I walked in with was the girl's ex. She had sex with another guy after four years of dating, and when he found out, she told everyone he had abused her to cover up the fact that it was her fault the relationship ended. I was not about to hand over my money nicely."
I pressed my lips into a line and focused my eyes on the place his dimples showed when he smiled or laughed.
"What about William?" I asked.
"We've discussed that before. He too judged me before knowing me."
I take in a breath, not yet releasing it.
"And what about me? The horrible things you've said to me – the endless torments and mockeries. Was that all about perspective?"
Aiden slipped into a thin silence and leaned over his knees. He had turned his head away from me completely so I couldn't see a single feature of his.
"You were different." He said with a low voice. "You were a change I didn't expect. And somewhere along the way..." He dragged a hand through his hair, pulling at the ends with exasperation. "Somewhere along the way, I became afraid of letting someone see even thesmallest parts of myself."