My second life, if you even could call it that, was rather short-lived. My most notable achievements were a long-lasting erection and dying in the nude. Though, nonetheless, it had been a fun ride. Filled with dick jokes, it was definitively the more entertaining lifetime of the two I have lived.
Of course, as entertaining as dying due to my severe allergy to nuts could be. Most certainly, it was not a story with a happy ending.
Unless you are the person finding the naked, bloated corpse with nuts stuck in its throat, then you will without a doubt not have a happy ending. Sorry in advance for any mild inconvenience my appearance would cause.
I was by no means responsible for any jealousy induced by my large manhood.
It was quite sad really, to spend my last few seconds thinking about how well endowed I was, but because of its gargantuan size, I had come to realize that all the other problems were just small and insignificant.
And who would not listen to the tale of an awe-inspiring man, who gave his life in an epic battle against his allergy? Legends would tell of this heroic feat for aeons to come.
Vanquishing his nemesis─ he died like a true man.
I would pat myself on the shoulder, but sadly I could not even move a single muscle anymore. Praising myself was the only thing that still needed to be done. I made sure, to remain humble and down to earth, despite knowing how awesome I was.
Aaaany day now. Did dying always take this long? Was 'permanent death' just a fancy description of being forced to talk to oneself till the end of time? Had I come to heaven, at long last?
An eternity of me-time was simply the best gift one could have offered me. Outside of a working internet connection, but good luck finding that in the after-afterlife.
You'd be more likely to die from nuts for the third time, but ya know, I did not want to jinx it any further. Because others might feel inspired by the ideas I thoughtlessly uttered. Jokes and memes lose their flavour when parents started to use them non-ironically on social media.
So many good templates have been lost by the elderly invasion of 2020. May their souls rest in peace as their bodies get ravaged countless times by bad and unfunny captions.
Stripped of any worth and meaning, they had been turned into mindless minions… So, so, so many minions. The appeal of these yellow, pseudo sex toys was beyond baffling. Like, how can anyone look at them and find something interesting?
Weaponized cutesy ideocracy, a distinctive degenerate design. the by-product of a popular kid's movie… The perfect example of a glorified cash grab and a recipe for absolute disaster. That was the true nature of minions.
They were the spawn of the devil.
Alright, that rant took a little at least a minute. Now, I had only infinite minutes more to waste. Time just seemed to pass so quickly when you had fun. Especially, since I had the fun of my after-afterlife.
What should I rant about next? So many options and only so little time at my disposal. Let me talk about the predatory nature of DLCs in the modern world. One minute was next to nothing in comparison to that.
I could prolly write a whole book about a certain 2-lettered company and its policies. Though even in this different dimension I would get sued and receive a cease-and-desist by their lawyers. They did not fuck around.
Yeah, let's not go down that route.
I did not want to enter the after-after-afterlife after all. About my naming sense, it could need some work here and there. Lest I infringe on copyright because my mind was incapable of any creativity.
In the worst-case scenario, I had no other choice and had to strike a deal with the devil or any other entity that was willing to help a buddy out.
"You called?" a low voice cried out to me, jolting me awake. My saviour had arrived in my darkest hour─ salvation was near. Too bad, I was not 5 and quite dead, so I could not indulge in these hallucinations.
Back to the topic at hand, I was down to sell my body, if any succubus or evil temptress was interested. For all the schemers and tricksters, I had the entire history of humankind to offer.
"That is not what I am interested in" claimed the voice booming in my ears, but I shall ignore it.
And for all the gods of fertility and "culture", I have quite a few spicy stories, that would not only blow your mind if you know what I am saying.
" Deeds of such a nature are beneath me," spoke the something in a slightly more annoyed tone. Thus, I chose to disregard it yet again.
"Child, I do suggest to stop testing my patience, before I tell your family about your search history"
Instantaneously my eyes shot open and a wave of bottomless anger caused me to stand up. My throat was still swollen, but I did not care about that. Death was not nearly as scary as the prospect of having my search history being revealed to the world.
I spotted the figure of an old man calmly looking back at me. His skin was wrinkly and full of brown age spots. Donning a white tattered robe, which seemed even older than himself, he resembled a homeless vagrant.
Yet, an aura of bottomless wisdom and secrets surrounded this entity. Supported by a small, wooden cane his entire body stood still. One might think he could see the nature behind everything.
However, the eye sockets were terrifyingly void. In its depths, I saw nothing, merely a pitch-black abyss. An endless entrophy looking back at me.
" And no, not even Incognito Search can stop me"
That was the end of me, he had me by the balls and not in the fun kind of way. Why did my 'research' lead me to so many cursed and unholy videos. Was this post-nut clarity?
"The sheer number of sexual analogies you are able to find in a situation such as this is equally astounding as it is worrying." The old man heaved a heavy sigh as if he had begun to question his life choices that lead to this very moment.
Did the gods come to regret their own creation? Were they scared of what had become of us? Or were they just tired of our shit? We might never truly know.
Aight, I am tired of this shit. "Let's cut to the chase. I doubt we can see 'eye to eye' here. What do you want from me? My long junk? "
I voiced my frustration, in a friendly passive-aggressive manner and made clear just how happy I was.
Could one not even die in peace here? For fucks sake I played the part of the fool for your entertainment and as thanks, I get lectured by this old fogey? Did they think I would be dumb enough to not suspect the nuts?
" I have suffered for you guys and what do I get in return? A buttload of fucking nothing. Guess why I am so pissed off? I know you are blind, but come on, even you should have seen that coming. "
Okay I admit, passive-aggressive might be a bit of an understatement. However, these sick fucks probably blew a mighty load seeing me die by these cursed nuts again. It is my god-given right to be reimbursed for all this shit.
" Screw you. Do you expect me to wear a wig, spread my cheeks and take it all in the butt without getting paid? I am a high-class prostitute. Do I look like some sort of common whore to you? "
Fuck this dimension, fuck this shithole, fuck the dude standing right in front of me. I can swallow my pride and these nuts but not the lack of monetary compensation. He can stay silent for all he wants, yet I would never give up on my claim to get the payment I was due.
"Do you think it's funny, to run around buck naked? To have your thing gawked at, while it dangles with every step taken. Do y'all think I am some sort of exhibitionist? "
Running around naked, certainly had its time and place. Especially once beautiful women were involved─however, old geezers were not my intended target audience. I did not do 50 push and sit-ups every day for stingy, dementia-ridden fellas.
I saved this beautiful body of mine, for literally the first girl that would come knocking on my door and ask if there was a single dude ready to mingle. I was shy…okay?
Any woman interested in me must have made a severe lapse in judgement.
To make that kind of decision one must be crazy and, oh baby, crazy was what I lived for. The crazies were always the hottest. Nothing got me more going than a sexy, deranged, unhinged psychopath. Being threatened at gunpoint was the pinnacle of a functional relationship.
Damn it I forgot what I had been angry for. Those stupid hormone driven fantasies always left me with a hard-on. They are the reason people always claim that the average human male has only enough blood for one of his two heads; they were not in the wrong.
Fuck, I forgot I was not alone here.
Please do not let the old man think I am 'happy' to see him; everything, but that. The flesh was willing, yet the spirit was very much not.
With the greatest puppy eyes I could muster, I looked pleadingly at the most handsome resident in the nursing home. It was not very sincere or heartfelt…still a nice gesture from my side, nonetheless.
Such a touching scene. "NOW GIVE ME MY FUCKING MONEY" I yelled at the top of my lung, "WHERE IS MY MONEY AT?"
The old man merely shook his head, greatly disappointed by my behaviour. He simply stood there, devoid of any motion, peering directly into my soul.
He took 2 deep breathes before his soft voice resounded through the vicinity.
"You Are Dead" stressing every single word, it was made more than clear that it had been my mistake all along.
What a load of shite. If I was supposed to be dead once more, why was I currently able to stand and look at him. Besides my entire surroundings were still the same. With the same dead trees and nuts sprawled all over the floor.
Even my corpse was still lying on the spot where I supposedly bite the dust. Wait, what? Why was I currently staring at my own hairy butt cheeks?
Damn gurl that thing was as flat as my current heart rate. I should have done more squats.
The fuck happened in my after-afterlife?