The realisation hit me like a truck as if I was an Isekai-protagonist seconds before an involuntary trip into another universe, or a soon-to-be very fresh organ donor, or my crazy girlfriend after my many affair(s).
Point was, I had been really caught off guard by the curveball the old man had thrown at me. Just remembering all the curses and obscenities I used in a fit of anger caused me to shutter. Not only was I dead, but I had also killed my future by behaving the way I did.
My, oh my, If it was not the consequences of my own actions.
Time to become the best ass-kisser there was and ever would be. My flattery shall know no bounds and my compliments shall praise this beautiful, experienced man to the highest of heaven.
First and foremost, the time was due to make amends for the terrible things I had done. I needed to make it clear just how sorry I was for my actions.
" I would like to profusely apologize, for my inexcusable demeanour. I let my emotions dictate my acts and be the cause of irreversible damage. On my behest, please show leniency for those transgressions of mine. I implore you to let bygones be bygones."
Giving a deep bow, I made clear just how apologetic I was.
If this heart-warming, tear-inducing speech was not enough to warm up its cold, dead heart then nothing else would ever be able to.
"Please, just speak normally. Your acting is terrible, and the situation is messy enough; even without your active interference."
The old man spoke the words, I had been yearning for the most. Thanks fuck, I did not need to pretend any longer. I swear every single word caused me to cringe and shudder. I wanted to rip out my own tongue and never speak again.
However, the old man was certainly not here to chat about the weather and politics. There had to be something, which he needed to discuss with me. I decided to be the bigger man and finally spoke up.
"What's the big issue here? Like I am dead-dead, there is nothing much I can do about that. If you want me to eat nuts again, then just fuck off. The third time is not the charm"
Bad puns about dicks and nuts aside, I needed to know the truth.
"Please refrain from mentioning nuts. In total, I have received 30000 thousand notifications about your demise brought at the hands of them. I wish to never see something like this ever again. "
Wait, this many notifications about my second death, that was nut… an angry gaze was fixated at me, daring me to continue that train of thought. That was nothing I would have ever expected. So, what the fuck was wrong with me?
The entity continued, greatly annoyed by the spam it had received.
" You have done the impossible. You managed to lose your life in the gateway, a zone where losing one's life was thought of as impossible. Making you the one and only specimen to ever do so from the countless souls we have tested up until now"
Who knew, that being special could feel so shitty. Was I really that level of stupid; even dumber than those people that needed a warning label not to put their cat into the dryer? Was I lacking a functioning brain?
It was too depressing to think about those matters. Therefore, to save the last bit of my mental well-being, I simply chose to not think about it any longer than necessary. Pretty smart, if I say so myself. Which in return would mean that I could not be the dumbest person to ever exist…
Only one logical conclusion was left open, I was too much of a genius. Blinded by my own vast brilliance, a few minor mistakes were made. In the end, I was still human.
Life truly was easy as a narcissist.
Eating these nuts might not have been my best decision, but it's the afterlife. How could I have expected to be able to die again? Seriously, nobody found it necessary to inform me about the possibility of losing my life.
And I highly doubt that in the entire history of humankind, from the cavemen to the modern apes, not a single someone managed to lose their life in any stupid way? Be realistic, c'mon. We had Darwin Awards for a good reason.
My thinking was rudely interrupted by the old man talking out of his turn.
"Are you physically incapable of not jumping to conclusions at a moment's notice? Please, for once, just listen. We both want this to be over and I still have your search history."
Only the lowest of the low would use blackmail to achieve their goals an…
"Remember, Search History."
Talking condescendingly and using threats to its advantage was all the being did. We had so much in common; the two of us were meant to become best buddies in next to no time. There was a lot we could learn from one another.
This friendship shall blossom into something beautiful. And if, by chance, he had a hot granddaughter then that's even better…
Because best buddies help each other out and sooner or later I would be part of his family. I had to leave a good impression just in case.
My willingness to cooperate did not go unnoticed, as the man slowly clapped his hands together. The stern look it gave me, might have been caused by it being able to read my every thought. One might think a bit of humour could cheer this grumpy little fella up, but no; fun was not allowed in the afterlife.
Maybe the omnipotent entity should've really taken a chill pill once in a while. It might have made this whole entire situation easier because right now it clearly was way too busy with the large stick up its arse.
My cheap provocations were met with blatant disregard as I was simply stared into silence.
An ominous feeling of dread overcame me. The sweet smile the old man directed at me was even more foreboding. My consciousness grew hazy, as the world around me slowly faded into nothingness.
The embrace of death felt warm and comforting. At last, I could rest and sleep. If there was another life, please do not let it have nuts. With a smile on my face, I slipped away from this plane of existence.
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
Dear reader of this message,
reading these lines means that you have failed, just like I did. However, that is no reason to be dispirited or dejected, because death is not the end here; sadly, it is just the beginning.
You may ask yourself, what the fuck I am talking about? This place is a land of no laws, a place, where violence reigns supreme. Be warned not to trust a single soul other than yourself.
On the prior pages, you will find the reasoning why we found ourselves in this mess. That being said if you were to find the aforementioned old fogey without eyes, give him a good beating─if you can.
Below you will find the written testimony on our origin by an unknown source. Their claim has yet to be verified.
Good luck out there.
Yours truly,
The very First
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
A long sigh echoed through the vicinity. Finally, the annoying specimen was able to be rebooted. The old man had seen a multitude of people but never had he met someone as annoying and frustrating as the Specimen 01001110011001010111011101100010011010010110010100001010.
Specimen 01001110011001010111011101100010011010010110010100001010 or referred to by its birth name [Joe Doe] was the first being to make that many depraved words play in relation to his manhood. The verification of his claim about the size being vastly far above average was to be ignored.
He was the offspring of his mother [Jane Doe] and his father [John Doe]. Their names indicate a hereditary, genetic disposition of bad naming sense.
A quick look at the evaluation score that appeared in his head caused the old man to furry his brows in sheer annoyance. Why did the tally take so long to be calculated?
The 27 years the specimen had lived on the schooling Planet "Earth" were mostly uneventful. He neither displayed any major acts of goodness nor villainy. His physical education was on par, but not something that would be rewarded with great results.
Morals and ethics were beyond lacklustre and would not amount to more than a few pity points. If collecting negative values was possible, the annoying candidate would have set up a few new records.
But as the minute passed, the seasoned man began to grow restless. Something was amiss and he did not know why that feeling of unease began to fester in him.
Taking a quick look at the status did not reveal anything suspicious.
────────────────────────────
[Profile Specimen 01001110011001010111011101100010011010010110010100001010 ]
Name: [Joe Doe]
Race: [Homo Sapiens]
Level: 1
Status: Braindead amoeba
-Stats-
HP: 0/160 | Mp: ???
Strength: 10 | Intelligence: 12
Dexterity: 4 | Endurance: 6
Charisma 1 | Constitution 1
-Skills-
None found.
────────────────────────────
But before he could sigh in relief a damning notification reached him.
[ Evaluation concluded: Total amount of points -1]
[Error; Integer "-1" is not defined]
[Launching Retake of the test ]
[Error; Data File_Joe_Doe_00 could not be loaded]
The old man screamed in panic as something terrible was occurring but before he could stop the disaster from happening, it had already been too late
{Loading Data File_Joe_Doe_01 instead]
[Loading successful]
[Referencing File_Joe_Doe_01 as new basis]
[File_Joe_Doe_02 has been created.]
Loud cursing echoed for the entire place. Just now, something terrible had taken place. The system had created another instance of the troublemaker and set it to retake the test.
Sadly, this bugged result was also set as the new basis. Which meant that every new iteration of it would automatically receive a score of [-1] upon its death─causing the chain of reactions to repeat over and over again.
It would be an endless cycle, with infinite versions of it appearing and dying.
He could not bear having to deal with him over and over again. He had to do something. However, his hands were tied and there was nothing that could be done to change the results of the test.
Just at that moment, a flash of brilliance entered his mind. Every guide knew, about the tough and unwanted scenarios which had not been attempted for countless years. Scenarios, so unfair and unbearable that they have been deemed impossible to clear.
But since death does not apply to this specimen it would make him the perfect candidate. Furthermore, nobody would bat an eyelid, since many failures were already sent to these scenarios It was a common strategy to get rid of unwanted material.
The old man waved his fingers and the system reacted promptly.
[Specimen 01001110011001010111011101100010011010010110010100001010 is sent to main Scenario ' The Undying']