Sunday. Reflection.
After a nice long sleep in I dragged myself out of bed. I didn't have any plans today per se but I felt like it might be nice to go and do some shopping. The paychecks I'd started to reel in from work were stacking up in my bank account and looking at the sum gave me some peace of mind. As I clicked out of my banking app a notif dropped down from Joon.
NJ: Jia
NJ: Had your morning fix yet?
Jia: Not yet 😇 Took me a while to get up
NJ: You alright?
Jia: Yeah, I'll be fine
Jia: You okay? Drank a lot last night
NJ: Yeah 😓 Besides accidentally breaking a pair of headphones I'm fine
Jia: Huh? How'd that happen? 😅
NJ: Can't remember but Yoongi is pissed about it
NJ: He's been bitching at me all morning 😩 Hope he gets over it soon lol
Jia: Damn... Yea 😗 Hope so too
NJ: Btw If your free tomorrow night wanna come by the club? It'll be quiet so could have a drink together
NJ: Some of the others will be around too
Jia: Sounds good, around 7 alright?
NJ: For sure 😉 I'll see you then
Jia: 😘
After I wrapped up my convo with Joon I got ready to head out. Today was grey, it might've even been the coldest yet, and although I preferred Iced Coffee I sipped on a warm one instead on my way to the shopping district. I took my time and tried on lots of different clothes as I went from one shop to another.
Going at my own pace and having my time was fun. By the end of it, I'd accumulated a handful of bags. They were getting heavy so I decided to call it a day and went back home.
After packing away my haul I threw together a salad and got ready for work.
My night was spent entertaining two of my new regulars. As one left the other arrived. As though going through the motions work came to an end. I walked home through the silence of the night. A thought came to mind. The passing of the day seemed strange, as though I'd floated through it somehow, but I felt disconnected. Something soft and cold caught my attention. It was snow... I looked up.
With that first glimmer of snowfall floating down from the sky memories followed. Nostalgic and soft. A slowing of motion.
Had that much time already passed? Winter break would soon follow, that was after finals.
It felt surreal, thinking back to when I'd started this chapter in my life to now. How many things had changed? Was I going in the right direction? Or was I just managing to do what I could as I went.. truth is, I can't say.
If I compare 'the right thing' with if I'm happy then, I guess I could say yes. I was happy for the most part.
I, who constantly feels unsure and doubtful, have found a source of happiness, support and comfort in some way. I think I'm doing alright, sometimes I still feel scared but, when I see my friends being so brave and working hard it makes me feel like it'll be okay if I try to do that too.
Maybe it was a break in the layer of thin ice I coated my feelings with. I retreated into the warmth of my home and washed off my makeup, stripping off layers of clothing until there was nothing left but the essence that was me. It was cold, I put on pyjamas and crawled into bed.
I sat in the silence. Wrapped in the softness of my sheets. I felt displaced but I didn't know why. Could this be silence before the war? A calm before a storm?
The message tone from my phone snapped me back into reality. It was Jin. Curiosity itched at me as I opened it.
Jin: I've been thinking about you all day
Jin: Are you in bed right now?
Jia: Yea ☺️
Jia: Where have you been?
Jia: I miss you
Jin: Just the usual, I have some time off on Thursday
Jin: I'll come and see you 😘
Jia: Please 🥰
I slipped my phone back onto the bedside table and shut my eyes. The small voice of my inner saboteur hummed, he always liked to remind me of the things I tried my best to forget. I shove him into the box and snip the padlock. Even so, he was a talented escape artist but it would have to do for now.