It could be as simple as living a life that you wouldn't worry about, right? I have decided. It could be that I became selfish and egoistic. It's time to forget about "me" who is weak and meek, reluctant and lacking, who is sometimes imposing and most of the time neglected. It wouldn't hurt if I will live the way I should have.
"Are you not getting tired? I told you from the get-go… you will never revive this abandoned house."
I was dragged once again in my deepest thought. This modulated, honeyed voice of seemingly a girl at my age kept on pestering me time and time again. Sometimes smokey, sometimes quietly, but most of the time, very irritating.
"I never did say I'm going to revive it."
I scoffed at her.
"Eh? What's with the tone? You're being too cold to someone who stayed by your side all this time."
"I didn't ask you to."
"Yeah, you didn't…"
Her voice became quiet and sad but changed in seconds to a celebratory tone and shrieked.
"…but you never let me go!"
"…"
"You are not going to talk to me again? Only giving me those cold gazes and all? I would be happy if you could look straight into my eyes even with those cold gazes but… you can only enjoy my voice."
I may not be seeing her but I can think and feel right through her. My mind clearly sees how she bats her lashes and mischievously grins at me. If it were me in the past, things like these will give bring me to my last breath. She still gives me chills and goosebumps.
I kept myself in silence.
"Aren't you really going to talk to me?"
I can see how her eyes shimmer and show those puppy eyes. They make me cringe down to my bones.
"Hey…"
I won't be able to escape this thought right now. I decided to give it a try, talking to her, and keeping it in an impassive or monotonous manner. As I lie my head on the back rail of the bench, I sighed.
"Aren't you just a nightmare?"
"Huh? Why would you think so?"
"I am asking you."
"You're being domineering."
"…"
"Fine, fine, fine! Well, I… I'm a beautiful nightmare. I just look like you but… only a better version of you."
I can see how she's sneering at me and I can clearly feel how she's trying to annoy me.
"If you are trying to make me laugh, I am telling you… you have failed from the very beginning."
"I'm just stating a fact."
Now she's shrugging. The audacity… but I'm keeping my composure. I can't still ignore some feelings and thoughts.
"You don't have to hide everything from me. I know what you know, I feel what you feel."
"Really?" I thought to myself. I know not everything she could see right through me. Leaving her hanging again, she continued talking on my mind.
"You don't have to endure everything just because you think things will change if you keep silent or in solitude, right?"
"…"
"Your brother is quite the favorite, right? Everyone has accepted that but sometimes, everyone still keeps on whining about it."
"…"
"Your sister is the brilliant one and you don't stand a chance in any argumentation with her... even simple ones escape your palm. You can't stand her attitude."
"It's my problem."
"The youngest just seemed to be perfect in any way. She has flaws of course, but she could handle everything well… unlike you."
"You won't get into my nerves, don't worry."
"Hahaha… it actually saddens me."
"I know."
"Let me tell you a secret."
I can see she's moving to whisper something in my ear.
"I visited her."
Her voice sounded so quiet but as it became quieter... it's the only sound I can hear. I felt my eyes widened and tremble. But it didn't last long. I calmed myself and did not let my emotions or thoughts linger.
"Don't even think of pursuing her. She is strong though she burdens herself through keeping everything, she's strong."
"Hmmm… I see you can talk longer."
She giggled.
"I knew she is. It was so natural for her to shoo me away easily."
"…"
I rolled my eyes and closed them. I'm used to having the quietest time in my daily life. I hear the faint humming of the wind as I breathe in and breathe out. "I'm still alive." I thought.
"You were like her when I met you."
"You forced yourself."
"Wow! The coldness again."
She slowly clapped her hands three times.
"Both of you didn't care if I annoy you—"
"You're still doing it."
"Harsh! Well, it's better this way instead of ignoring me and refusing me. I will always stay with you. Should everything continue like this, I promise you won't feel alone anymore."
I felt a burning sensation. She's there at it… touched my sore spot.
"I'm not alone."
"You won't be able to ignore me forever. It will just make you worse."
"I'm already at my worst. I don't need anyone, even you!"
The voice inside my head was gone like it was never there in the first place. I got the short end of the stick in this deal of life. I didn't know I would come this far. I couldn't control it anymore. Hate, discouragement, solitude, desolation. I'm weak and I can't help but hope for something. I'm easily tricked to be on the good side then will be left behind.
I have been absorbed into this darkness and I'm getting deeper now, I can feel it. I'm feeling fine, nonetheless. Ironically, I'm just in the right state and I guess my dopamine hormones were intensely produced having these exceptional feelings of euphoria. I'm ardently feeling anew. This is all I need.
As I was getting absorbed in this blank space, I'm relieved that I can draw my own image as a strong figure; one who doesn't need to feel anything to feel alive. Others will hate me, they will not associate themselves with me, they'll be aggravated by me… and that's all I ever need. So, they can stay away from me.