Nightmares. I thought I'm getting used to having these nightmares that give the impression of reality. My legs were as heavy as a large boulder as I ran miles and miles and I kept on grasping for air. It was an endless path and it appeared like I'm running in place because I never made any single progress.
"What was that again this time?" I was sweating profusely and felt so exhausted. I tried to remember even the tiniest pieces of my bad dream as I kept banging my head.
"It wasn't just a nightmare to forget and get over with." I thought.
"I told you, you'll just get worse the more you resist."
She's back. Her voice sounded livelier.
"What happens, happens because it has to befall and not because I failed or something. Things are bound to happen and it's not as if everything's connected to me."
The voice was gone right away. I wasn't sure if she has collected my thoughts and emotions again. But it's clear in her voice that I made her more powerful.
I focused on myself and myself alone. I tried to balance my thoughts and feelings… not always acceptable and in order, not always pathetic and rubbish. If I keep the happy thoughts, I will lose everything that I have right now: my calm solitude, my confidence that I don't have to care for others, and happiness in not holding onto anything. If I keep only the woeful things, I will lose myself. Albeit I appeared to just let things happen, I didn't quit living; I just chose a different path which most sane people on earth wouldn't intentionally choose. Everyone has reasons and ways to figure out how to live despite everything. They may say mine is lame, but who are they to easily conclude things go the way like everyone else's.
Though it's repugnant and abominable just letting things happen, I accepted the notion that I am part of a system putting those like me and those who are too great for this world into an equilibrium.
I totally forgot the house I have cared for too long. I thought I can hold onto it as long as I'm alive. But it wasn't easy; nobody said it was easy. It's too painful. Though I didn't stop living, I am hopeless.
"I'm feeling your misery."
The voice scoffed. My mind is distorted.
"…"
"You're quite determined not to submit to me."
Her voice is getting stiff and dismayed. I felt as if I'm going to have a heart attack and my brain is breaking.
"What… are you… doing to me?"
My voice is getting gruffy and broken. The moon shone brightly in my room but I can only see pitch-black darkness.
"I'm not doing anything. Even I want to, I can't."
I'm suffering an excruciating pain but it was just fiddling with her hair while mocking me. It's irritating my nerves how it looks at me.
"Ugh!"
"You are responsible for what's happening to you."
I grasped my hair as the torment keeps on torturing me.
"Mom… Pop… help me."
Stream of water kept on flowing from my eyes. I'm burning inside and I started to rip my clothes. I tried to grab a glass of water on my bedside table but it just slipped my hand. As the torment continues, the air in the room feels like it's poisoned and it's suffocating every part of me.
"Are you calling for help?" If you submit to me, I'll make it easier for you."
"No…"
"No?"
"You're… the only one… who's going to benefit from it."
"I told you…"
It tried to touch me but she still couldn't do it. She shrugged the thought and continued.
"…I'll make things easier for you, right?"
"I know… how… devils work."
I keep on grasping for air. I'm not sure if I can still hold on. My mouth and throat are dry, my lips are parched and I can't even wet them with saliva.
"You know? Hmmm… you know we're wicked, sinful, black-hearted, etcetera, etcetera. You never appreciate how we make you feel every time we talk to you and stay by your side."
"…"
"Who do you think is heartless now? We try to ease your miseries, deprivation, adversities... in the easiest and fastest way."
I can't refute. Why? I can't even question her. Was it because I know she's right? She's right. But why do I say she's right when she's entirely wrong. She uses tricks on people who are weak… just like now.
"I'm getting weak. I wasn't able to avoid her in the first place. Can I still ignore her? I may not live a good life now but I chose my own path. I continue to live and have my own world. I don't need anyone."
My mind was kept being absorbed into oblivion.
"This is my world and I am not a simple make-believe existence."
My mind's twisted, my heart's been corrupted… my beliefs aren't getting me somewhere, and my principles are crooked. But I guess everything's resolved now.
The house I tried to cherish and cared for too long is slowly collapsing. Nevertheless, it's fine. I am building a new one that is better on its own. It'll be a smaller one with no rooms. I will stay there for as long as I live. Though I won't paint it black, there's no use in putting a lot of things. Just the necessary is enough.
My mind was barely getting by and my heart wasn't simply stained with black; the darkness devoured it wholly and never let it go. My health and life force were somehow taken care of as my life has always been covered up.
I'll punish myself for quitting living a proper life. I will live for a hundred more years of melancholy and will die in vain. I have become one but I am defying things to come.
"It isn't easy… but it will be better."