(Author's story)
It wasn't easy to fight for life on your own. Sometimes, you have to live in lies to know the truth; sometimes you have to live in reverie to know reality; and sometimes, things you try to justify are just part of your excuses.
I'm in my second year in college and my life feels it has never been… this good. Family… I know I have but I don't have to feel like there is. Friends… it's not on my options anyway. Options? I don't think I have those either. Things are dealt outright without second thoughts. If it doesn't require any effort, let it pass. If I don't have to get involved, don't care. If it affects me too much, better to let it go. Things don't happen because they want to; they happen because they just do. People care or decide because they are affected by the stimuli. If I won't act based on external factors, I won't be provoked and I don't have to be disturbed. At the same time, I don't have to be a part of any system; they won't benefit from me. Once an individual reacts to a stimulus, it'll be an action that will be remembered, may it be good or bad. Worse? Everything that'll be remembered is the bad things you've done. If one has nothing good to do, then better not to do something bad either. I'll stay at the center, or in the corner, or at the edge; I can do whatever my mind thinks is fair enough.
"Don't worry self… I haven't stopped living. Every day's fixing work is being done properly."
I deftly navigated through my thoughts as I keep the state of equilibrium on my mind. Every day, there are gods and demons inside my head and in my heart are the followers. Staring outside the window from my desk, it's a repeating scenario that my classmates got used to already.
"Le… Leyba? Have you submitted your math activity?"
I'm used to people stuttering when talking to me or stare at me first with a nervous face. I haven't done anything wrong though; they just feel like I'm fearsome. Though they don't ignore nor avoid me, the invisible vibrations of their body due to fear, annoyance, or something else are obviously displayed every time.
"Here. Thank you."
"Ye… yes. Thank you, too!"
I think my classmate has no intention to run away that fast and it seemed her feet just dragged her away. My eyes followed her until she disappeared from the door of the classroom and looked back to the window.
The clear blue sky's saying today will be a peaceful day. The field has been busy from the start of the day because of the kids practicing soccer. There were also runners practicing.
"Sport's Fest."
I stood up to approach the window and think ahead of the happenings in the Sport's Fest.
"Leyba!"
Oh! Someone who can say my name out loud without getting uneasy. There are only three people in my class who can call me without getting nervous. But this one's tone has always been grating and taut with intimidation or annoyance at most times.
"Sabrina Bell."
I turned my back and faced her. I heard from my classmates that she's intimidated by me and she gets irritated easily when it comes to me. But I never felt her madness against me. I chose to be insensitive but naturally, I can feel if things or people have good or bad intentions towards me.
I stared straight into her eyes unwaveringly. I can feel how stoic my expression is but it's already a given. I'm still polite though. When someone talks to me, I talk "politely".
Sabrina flinched and almost stagger. Good thing her lackeys are beside her to support her. "The Bell's Angels". I can sense from them the negative emotions that are clearly shown on their faces. I don't know their names so I just call them using the colors of their hair— the taller one has long shiny black hair and the other one has long brown hair. I can hear my alter ego's suppressed laugh.
"Tsk."
I clicked my tongue on my mind but it appeared I spoke my mind. Sabrina narrowed her eyes and clenched her fists. Sigh. I didn't intend to be misinterpreted but there's nothing I'd rather do. Let it pass.
"You… are you demeaning me?!"
She slammed her palm on the desk and asked me with a booming voice. I looked at her hand and noticed how red it became and now shaking. I just shook my head in response. I still didn't feel any anger from her. It's more like she wanted me to feel that she hopes I won't look at her in a bad way.
She slowly pulled her hand and gently clenched it.
"It hurts." Though nobody noticed because of her bangs, I can clearly read her mind from her quivering eyes. Once again, my alter ego's trying to suppress her laugh. I was careful enough not to react to the thought.
"Mr. Montenegro said you should run in the short and long distances."
Sabrina crossed her arms and closed her eyes. She turned sideways so I won't notice her reactions.
"Ok."
"Good."
It was an expected response in situations like this.
"He was thinking if you could also join the relay—."
"No."
"Ok."
It was an expected response also. Most of the time, trying could save a day. She left right away as her lackeys follow her. Sabrina Bell. Someone who's obviously has a good disposition in life, has a good relationship with her family… though she doesn't have lots of friends (how am I supposed to know?), at least she has good people whom she treats friends. I felt she's envious of me or there's always something she wanted to tell me; but why?
There was a commotion outside the classroom but it didn't bother me. I turned back to watching the skies outside. As I closed my eyes, I heard slamming books on the table, screeching chairs, tapping fingers in rhythm, a yawn, footsteps everywhere, and then the bell rang.