Normalcy is a funny word. I am not quite sure what it means to have normalcy, however i feel as though i am getting closer to obtaining that. Now that i am over a year out of chemo and radiation, I am finally starting to pick up the pieces.
However, starting a new chapter is difficult. I am confused, i am anxious, i am scared even though cancer does not occupy my mind as much as it used to, it's still there.
i had absolutely no idea what to expect. I always knew that cancer was the worst of the worst and basically imagined it as the "End" of my life. I don't think anyone quite understands that feeling when you get told you have cancer and your life really does flash past your eyes. Immediately i thought... "i have hardly done anything in my life, and I'm going to loose it all for nothing". Everything felt so unreal. My heart was shattered into million of pieces, i thought about my family, my friends, and someone(who was everything to me) and i couldn't imagine that i would never see them again. I couldn't imagine dying yet. I was being told that i had cancer and it felt like i was being punished by life. When the doctor gave my mother and i the news i misheard what he had said and he repeated himself again and it's almost as if my brain refused to comprehend it. After the brutal 10 seconds of awkward silence staring at the doctor i hear my mom crying and i just broke. My life felt like nothing and as silly as this sounds. I felt like in that moment i already left my physical body. Felt like someone really had put a knife through my chest. When i think back on my life... that day is the day of my life has dramatically changed forever.I have realised who really cares for me, who love me and who's fake.
see, even though cancer put me through the worst hell on earth. Its been a blessing in disguise on some aspects... because there is always a positive to a negative in every situation. Smiling through pain and saying i will be okay doesn't mean you are not suffering, it means your positivity will keep you suffer less.