Cancer makes you feel isolated even when your friends and family are doing their best to love you. You feel distanced from your mates because they are all getting on with their lives as they should and they can't understand what you're going through. Meeting people through time has been so helpful to talk to someone who gets it. Sometimes its down to you to open up and let people be there for you.
Courage is about finding hope in your darkest moments. Looking back, its been a long journey but by far the most eventful. There have been days where i couldn't get out of bed or open the curtains due to crippling nausea, but then there were also days where i would be so proud of my body for just getting up the stairs. Many people have said to me that they could not do what i have done but i strongly disagree, having courage is about finding the strength within you and just getting on with the day. I have learnt so much about life and i appreciate so much more life now too. The love that i have for my family and friends that have supported me is so deep and i will never forget how much they mean to me.
Courage doesn't mean you are not not afraid. courage means that inspite of your fear you're going to step out and face the challenge anyway.
As a cancer survivor i would never wish it upon anyone and i would never celebrate anyone's cancer diagnosis... ok ok now , I'm not going to go recounting my entire experience. ... But i do want to say that if you feel like there is something wrong. Do not let anyone-- doctor or not-- dismiss you. You know your own body better than anyone and you have to stick up for yourself. :)
When you look at yourself or think about your life now, do you still recognise the person you were before cancer?
I feel like the day i was diagnosed i said goodbye to that person. And i have not been the same person since i was diagnosed. sometimes, I wish i could be me again. I crave the old me. I don't know if I'm jaded or i know too much or always lurking at the back of your head that it would come back. I know I'm a different person than before. One of the most difficult part of cancer is mourning your old self. You have to learn to let go and grieve who you were so you can become the person you need to be.
I felt this the most when a memory would pop-up or when i would look at an old picture. I would look back on a memory and the grief was so intense. I felt so sorry for that person i used to be. Happy in a memory with no idea what was to come. Its been just over a year and its not so bad anymore. I am slowly starting to feel more like myself on the inside. Hoping it lasts and gets better.
The person i am now lives in the present and serves her own happiness more than before. I used to be so stuck living my future that i sacrificed life experiences that i may never get to have again.