Was he going to call me, or did he mean I should call him today?
Does it matter?
Takes phone from pocket to call, just before I was interrupted by Bettany.
"Are you busy?"
"Yes, what's up?"
"My mom asked me if you got your medication, so I wanted to ask if you were okay"
"I am good, I will get back to her when I am finish. I am in the middle of something" I lied.
I was not okay. Haven't been in a while, but for some reason I couldn't say that.
As she closed the door, I proceeded to call Ronnie.
"Hey Ronnie"
"Hey, I was wondering if you were going to call or if I should"
"I was thinking the same thing"
"Well, am glad you stopped thinking and rang me"
"Yea"
"So, do you want to talk about yesterday?"
"No, do you"
"Yes, I was calling about the letter you wrote. I had no idea you felt that way"
"Me neither"
"There is something I have to tell you though"
I started blushing. What more can he say than to confirm he feels the same way?
"I feel the same way about you, but I have a girlfriend"
I froze.
"What?"
"Yes, we met a month after I got here"
"So why didn't you bring that up at any point during our conversation?"
"I didn't see a need to, not like you told me how you felt"
"Right. Well, thank you for letting me know and I wish you the best"
"You don't have to go, prom…."
I cut the phone off before he could say my name.
I do have to go. I officially humiliated myself.
I buried my face in the pillows to reduce the masculine sound of my bawling.
I should have known. He was away, of course he needed someone to be everything I was too afraid to be.
I wept hysterically day after day.
I felt numb, I just kept thinking to myself, when would these sleepless nights end and not to mention the endless nights of crying.
I turned to my partner in crime my mom, and few supporting friends for all the advice I was able to receive given my state, and they were great and well needed, but it was not enough.
How did I get here?
Several weeks went by before I managed to take myself out of the rut to show up for my responsibilities, and apparently for Ms. Cecil.
I wonder how is she Ronnie's mother! I can never get away from her. She came over to the house while I was amid my struggle, and I had to conceal my tragedy to not talk about it.
Luckily, she did not stay too long.
Life is slowly getting back to normal, or I am finally accepting my reality, but things hurt a little less every day.
They say time heals all wounds, but getting rid of that multi-color blanket, the masterpiece painting and the Rolex watch he gave me also helped.
I like to think I am not a hoarder but, I low-key am.
Things are only thrown out when I am unable to find a purpose for them, which mostly does't happen.
My father is a hoarder. Without intervention, the house will resemble a waste management site. Not a bad thing if managed properly, but things get out of hand quickly in the Bradshaw's house.
A story my dad seldom talks about is his time spent in a prison cell. This was hard for him and even hearing about it, I feel for him. I have never told anyone about this experience not because I am ashamed but it's more difficult to talk about than I would like to admit.
I battle with the idea of being a prisoner in my own life and I compare that to my dad's experience.
*Phone ringing*
"promise"
"Hey dad"
"I haven't heard from you in a while"
"Yes, that is why I am reaching out to you"
My dad and I have grown extremely close which is the opposite of our relationship during my teenage years. We fought every day.
It's almost as if we were practicing for our presidential debate. The thing is, no one was watching and there wasn't a price at the end of our speech.
"When cooking cut the vegetables small because it takes more gas to cook larger vegetables since they take a longer time to cook".
"Isn't the gas going to finish anyway?"
"Yes, but it's expensive so I don't want it to finish in one week".
"Just buy another one. You work every day; you must have money!"
"You don't understand life" He would say as he ended the conversation
I hated when he said that because I thought I did.
I did not.
Starting college was not the beginning of my adulthood like most teenagers. I have two younger siblings who pushed me into the role of taking care of things way before I was ready.
That thought me all I knew about budgeting.
After completing two part time jobs this summer at a CPA firm and at the student center of my University, I was still broke.
I stared at my bank statement to comprehend what was happening with my finances. I didn't even do anything fun, and it's all gone.
Interestingly, my counterparts are not working and seems to be living their best lives in Dubai, Cancun, and Greece.
Everything makes less sense the older I get. When I was younger, I thought life was peaches and rose.
At least I paid my bills, I thought. Yet I wondered, is this all there is to life? Working forty plus hours per week to say, " at least I paid my bills"?
This didn't sit well with me.
~
Returning to classes after the summer has always been a process for me. It usually takes me a month and a half to get in the school spirit.
This semester was different.
Not only because Ronnie is not here, but because I wanted to figure out if there was more to life.
I joined this honor society I was recruited for, and the president and I became such great friends. She is a Trinidadian thick skin goddess, who's interest is nutrition and diet ethics.
She elected me to be the fundraising chair, then the volunteer chair and upon her graduation, the president of the organization.
She even recommended me to her supervisor for an internship, that I did for an extended period.
During my leadership of the organization, I struggled to get help. I asked my team mates for ideas to host events, as well as methods to raise fund and only one person actively participated.
To my surprise, after I resigned from the position, one of the people on my team stepped up to become the president and she had some very creative events.
She even came to me to ask for ideas.
It was at this moment that the saying, "People will not help you, just because it's you" hit me.
After holding a grudge for too long, I realized it was weighing me down, so I let it go.
I kept on dreaming.
~
The expectation for me as an accounting major was that I joined a professional association for Accountants. My professors made sure of this, by Jehovah witnessing us.
The organization hosts regional and national conferences annually of which I attended two. The experience was overwhelming, and I checked out.
At the end of the weekend when we got back to school, I met with the president of the organization to discuss a position I applied for.
She informed me that they decided to give it to someone else. Two people who were more involved in the conference.
Disappointing, but after being in the organization for two semesters I was offered one of the positions that I initially applied for.
I wasn't that interested, but I took on the challenge and challenging it was.
Lightning did strike the same place twice. The position started off great and faded from the lack of help. The experience was identical to the first organization that I joined "People will not help you, just because it's you" was once again real.
The President of the organization was caught on record discussing whether she should fire me or not from the position, because she didn't see me doing anything.
This was all happening after I reached out on several occasions to ask for help from my teammates and no one volunteered. Another resignation.
Maybe I should have stayed and proved them wrong, but my energy was depleted by then and the strength to fight was a far-fetched idea.
~
Another far fetched idea was having someone have the final say. I normally dread the idea that other people would walk away thinking I was stupid if I allowed them to walk over me.
Figuratively of course, because I was ready to fight yesterday.
Now, I couldn't care less if they think I am stupid or not, because I know the truth.
"Mrs. Shannet you are not the same because usually you take care of me, but not anymore. You all know am old yet still I have to do everything around here. None of you respects me. I have been on my feet from six am. I had to scrape animal meat, feed the rabbits, and the moment I leave the yard to make some money you're calling me to pick you up. Can't you be considerate and pick up your mother Bettany, I have been doing it for years" Mr Chase yapped while we stood in the kitchen preparing dinner.
No one said anything, because he wouldn't listen.
Mr. Chase is Mrs. Shannet's husband, this relationship shows me that love is blind and that I would never want to experience love if that is what it is.
I support the notion that people should have conversation before things escalate, but apparently I am the only one who thinks that because they never speak up, in the name of I don't want the argument.
"Mr. Chase, don't you think it would make way more sense to speak up about what you like and don't like before they happen instead of cursing afterwards?"
"I talk about this everyday and twice on Sundays, you don't understand this because you don't live here. When I am talking, I am referring to Mrs. Shannet and Bettany. You are a stranger, even though we are family, you are a stranger"
"So I should stay out of it?"
"Yes, stay out of it"
"Okay, I understand that"
My bad for trying to bring things into perspective. Did I feel offended? No, because I knew my intentions was merely to open his eyes to his behavior.
I felt uncomfortable though. On several occasions Mr. Chase mentioned that if I have something to say I should speak up and the moment I did he reminds me that I am intruding in his home.
Quite the contrast.
~
I feel more for the people who have to deal with him though. Frankly, I will not be at his house for long, but Mrs. Shannet and Bettany are stuck with him.
The final thing he said before I blocked him out was that he is going to start acting like he is dead and see if they will be able to survive without him.
Call me stupid, but that took me out. Funniest thing I heard in a while.I honestly thought the conversational narcissism was over.
One thing I will never forget about Ronnie is the audacious respect he shows me on the days when I am not my best.
I often wonder how is it possible for him to be so consistent with his behavior. When he is upset, the sun still shines and I've never felt disrespected by him.
If he was this way only around me I could question his character, but it is across the board, with the Janitor and the CEO.
Funny thing, we are always arguing, but control still remains.
Maybe he chose his new girl because she never argues with him.
Girl, chin up! who doesn't like a deliberate discussion.