*Phone ringing*
"Camalia, I slipped in the shower and I am literally feeling it in my waist"
"What, I don't want to laugh" She said while she laughed.
"Yea, I have no idea what happened. Not like I was unfocused or anything"
I did slip in the tub and hit my leg bone. I used this to start the conversation with her though as some small talk. I was a bit unfocused to be honest, because Sam just asked me what I was doing and I told him, "I was about to go shower".
In a second after sending the message, I wish I could take it back. I wouldn't tell a stranger that I was going to shower, so why did I tell him, who is just that- A stranger.
I guess sometimes I long for that close connection and lose focus for a bit, but those seconds are too expensive, I have to get myself together.
"I have something to ask you Cam"
"What?"
"So I was thinking if I could combine five guys that I know I would be able to develop the guy of my dream. What do you think about this?"
"Let's build a man. Let me hear the particles"
This future surgeon treating my situation like a patient, talking about, "Let me hear the particles" Cracked me all the way up.
"Man one- Personality and built physique. Man two- Neck and legs. Man three- Christianity. Man four - Dark skin and humor". Man five- Money, ambition, work ethics and common sense "
"I think you need six men"
"Why?"
"Because your man ain't got no equipment"
"Man two has it"
"Then I approve"
I left the names out because I didn't want to go that deep or give her unsolicited information. What she doesn't know certainly can't hurt her.
~
As humans we crave intimacy. I have been single over a year and I have been convincing myself that I don't miss it.
Talking to Sam everyday for the past few days have shown me that I do.
I have been spending time by myself and I have learned so much about the person I am. Its's crazy when I realized I have been with me from forever and I don't even know what I like to eat.
I wouldn't trade this for a relationship, but I would like to have both. The opportunity to stay in tuned with myself while exploring someone else is exciting and new.
Yet it seems so close and far simultaneously.
I can't help but wonder if I am standing in my own way at times. Within the past three months I have turned down eighty plus guys.
In Sam's words, "You can't want someone and your turning everyone down at the same time, that's contradictory and bougie". He has a point, but in my defense it's not logical for me to date most men, so it has nothing to do with being bougie.
I want to hug, enjoy mind stimulating conversations, take vacations, have healthy disagreements and raise up some kings and queens.
Most guys want to chill at the crib, put little to no effort into dating, but they want independent women.
Not going to lie though, when I see these unhealthy relationships around me I cringe at the idea of being in a relationship because I know it's not all roses.
~
Talking to Sam has been keeping me up at night but it's been refreshing. The last time I remember feeling like this was when Miquel and I just met.
Even though Sam and I are not chasing because I made it clear I am not interested, it feels good being on the phone with someone other than my girlfriends and family.
~
"Can I ask you a question?"
"Yes"
"Are you going to be offended?"
"Ask what you want to ask"
"Are you fat"
"No, why you ask?"
"You sound overweight"
We both chuckled. Not in an offensive way, but I could hardly hear him and I was just checking if I was being insensitive by constantly asking him to speak up.
"Do you want me to send you a picture to show you am not"
He clearly thought I didn't believe him.
"Yes, sure"
When I saw the picture, I couldn't stop laughing at his man boobs and his chubby face. I didn't quite remember what he looked like since we last spoke, but am sure he was lighter.
He tells me he has plans to get ripped and I am here for it, because that would suit him a lot better.
While I was there laughing though, I could sense that he was in his feelings, because he kept asking if I was laughing at him.
I played it off by telling him that I remembered a joke from a comedy special I was watching. He didn't buy it.
~
He also doesn't seem to be buying the fact that I don't remember much about him. I recall his name, that he went to a certain school and that we met at a certain spot.
I honestly, I can't think of who we met through or any other specific detail.
"Next year I am going to have a daughter"
"Why?"
"Because the age is right"
"How old will you be?"
"Twenty four"
"Oh, that means am older than you"
"Doh. Stop acting like you don't remember that when we met, I was in a lower grade than you"
I don't know what other language to say this in, but he really thinks am playing.
"Sam, I don't remember"
"Okay, stop saying it because I am going to be offended. By the way, you are not older than me by that much, just a few months"
"When is your birthday?"
"I am not going to tell you. How can you be on the phone with someone and not know their birthday? How do I know yours? Try figure it out because am not telling you"
"What should I do? Call the hospital you were given birth in and find out? Just tell me"
Let's just say he is officially in his feelings. If I was keeping scores, which I am not, I would say that was exactly how I felt when he called me clumsy after I told him I fell in the bath tub the other night.
~
On the note of conversations. Camalia and I have been in a good place since our situation. Every now and then I think back on what happened but I don't allow myself to stay there and harbor any resentment.
One of the reasons I wouldn't change anything about my past is because it thought me how to process my emotions. Even if something is difficult for me to deal with, since the other person really cares, it's hard for them as well if it is constantly brought up.
I told Camalia that Sam and I have been talking for a minute and he is someone from my past. She isn't too thrilled.
She told me that her ears close off when she hears the word Ex, unless he has money. She refuses to accept that money won't fix the underlining issues that a person has, it only exposes them.
I have been thinking about how to return Ronnie's one hundred and nine calls. Whatever he has to say must either be real important or he is just bored.
I could ask him if he is rich, or why did he lie to me about his girlfriend, or I could be empathetic and find out why he was calling before all else.
The latter sounds more considerate.
"Hey, I saw your missed call"
"Just one? I was wondering if you changed your number."
"Oh, no all of them"
"Right. Anyways, I wanted to talk to you about what happened"
"You mean about why you lied to me regarding your girlfriend?"
"I knew this was a bad idea, sigh! I knew you weren't going to listen"
"I am listening, but if it's any consolation, it's not too late to come off the phone"
After an awkward pause, he blurted, "I was trying to get back at you"
"Well, you've won"
"I didn't win anything if I lost you"
The tears came streaming down my face. I covered my mouth to stop any sound from squeaking in, because the last thing I want is for him to hear me cry.
I knew exactly what that felt like in his shoes, because I experienced that first hand with Travis and it's hard when the other person hurts you and makes it seem like you are the horrible one if you hurt them afterwards.
I needed some time to process this though, so I told him we could revisit this conversation later on when it's not his fresh and maybe we can say more without so much pain.
He assured me that he will be back in the states for Christmas which was perfect timing because that's a month away. Plenty of time to re-coup. Interestingly he told me to not tell Camalia he is coming.
I don't want to be in the middle of this, but before I could ask why, he had to rush off the phone and he hasn't been taking any of my calls since.